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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have kids before marriage?

232 replies

PandaEyes25 · 25/01/2017 10:27

I'm desperate to start TTC with my Partner of 7 years. Everything is pretty much spot on regarding timing as I am in a good job which will allow me to work flexibly, we have a good amount of savings and live in a nice area in our own house with a couple of spare bedrooms.

The only thing is, we are not married.
It's not the my OH doesn't believe in marriage. He says that we will get married at some point but I'm not sure if I want to bring a baby into the mix without having the stability marriage provides.

I'm just curious to see if other people agree with me that getting married first is definitely the right thing to do or if I'm just getting a bit hung up over it and that it's not worth putting off having children for.

OP posts:
CockacidalManiac · 25/01/2017 10:33

Marriage doescgive you important protections if you were to split up. Who owns the house?

ImperialBlether · 25/01/2017 10:35

I think you put yourself in a very vulnerable position if you're not married.

Servicesupportforall · 25/01/2017 10:36

Marriages fail just as much as they succeed. Having a child will neither cause a break up or ensure you remain together.

Still why doesn't your other half want to get married? Having a baby is a far far bigger commitment in my view.

Original poster
PandaEyes25 · 25/01/2017 10:37

We both own the house. (50% each) Smile

OP posts:
ProudBadMum · 25/01/2017 10:37

I have 2 and I'm not married. I don't plan on marriage either, we aren't arsed for it.

OptimisticSix · 25/01/2017 10:37

I think children are more binding than a marriage certificate. Once you have a child with someone you can (usually) never just walk away from them so I would say it doesn't matter whether you are married or not. As long as you know you love each other and are stable and happy I say go for it. If you're really worried about quick trip to a registry office and a blessing and big party later could work. FWIW all my children were at my wedding and made beautiful bridesmaids and page boys.

CockacidalManiac · 25/01/2017 10:38

I'm not one for the 'morality' of marriage before kids, just for the legal protection it'll give you.

Pengggwn · 25/01/2017 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

natwebb79 · 25/01/2017 10:38

We did. We just made sure that we owned everything 50/50 and had a thorough will and life insurance. We got married 2 years later but there are ways of not leaving yourself vulnerable.

Original poster
PandaEyes25 · 25/01/2017 10:39

He does want to get married but doesn't want to spend our savings on just one day and would rather put our savings towards all the baby stuff.

OP posts:
Screwinthetuna · 25/01/2017 10:40

We got married afterwards and had children there as part of the wedding. It was perfect

PeridotPassion · 25/01/2017 10:41

The stability/security aspect never bothered me (not a popular viewpoint I know). By the time dh and I married, we'd been together 10 years and had two dc...i'd trust dh with my life, I have no fears of him doing a runner and leaving us high and dry.

Anyway...for more frivolous reasons, I do wish that we'd got married before having the dc, (although I do love that they were there in the photos). The dc were 6 and 4 when we married. It was just an extra arseache.

Who is responsible for them all day and night? (My sister insisted and then started on Prosecco at 10am Hmm ) Where are they sleeping overnight on the wedding? Are you going to do a family holiday afterwards or a Honeymoon with just the two of you and then have to arrange childcare/possibly suffer guilt and worry for leaving them? Extra outfits to sort, worrying about them crying in the Church - who takes them out? Because presumably your mum/sister/MIL etc isn't going to want to miss the ceremony.

We didn't have that many issues at all with the dc at the wedding and tbf to them they were good as gold. But I do envy people who just do it having themselves to consider and get to jet off afterwards, just the two of them and so on...it's just so much easier/less stressful.

TiredMumToTwo · 25/01/2017 10:41

I think being married to your child's father is a good idea from a legal protection point of view but I wouldn't necessarily say you need to be married before you get pregnant. When I met my second husband I felt that my biological clock was ticking and I wanted a baby more than I needed a ring on my finger first. We got married a year after I had our daughter.

TheNaze73 · 25/01/2017 10:41

Wouldn't dream of having a child out of wedlock. If things go tits up, you could be royally screwed.
Is there any reasons stopping you for asking him to get married, if it's important? I think 7 years is about right to be considering marriage & your future.
Good luck

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 25/01/2017 10:43

He does want to get married but doesn't want to spend our savings on just one day and would rather put our savings towards all the baby stuff.

Very sensible, in my view.

But it doesn't preclude you having a very cheap wedding or even just the two of you going to the registry office and doing it for around £100.

PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 25/01/2017 10:44

Marriage is often the cheapest way to ensure some important legal protections, if you don't have any ideological resistance to the idea of being married. Things like inheritance issues, parental rights and responsibilities - not the mention financial implocations if you want to give up work or reduce hours after DC.

You don't have to have a "wedding" - getting married itself costs about £300 in our registry office, less if you do it midweek. Personally I wouldn't have actively TTC before marriage although I have no moral issue with children being born out of wedlock.

Butterymuffin · 25/01/2017 10:46

It sounds like you can resolve this by having a cheap ceremony pretty quickly. Do you want a big wedding? You can do it on the cheap - there are lots of tips on here and elsewhere. Put it to him that you could have a low budget low key wedding within the next year, and then you can get started on ttc!

If, however, he finds fault with that idea, then I would be asking myself if this is actually a delaying tactic because he is less sure about marriage/children.

TrickyD · 25/01/2017 10:46

Is it that your wanting a big wedding which will absorb your savings that your DP objects to? Why not just have an inexpensive wedding in a register office? Would he be OK with that?

dollydaydream114 · 25/01/2017 10:47

At least half of my friends with kids weren't married when they were born. Some of them have got married since the kids came along, but plenty of them still aren't married.

Oddly, all the ones who have split up since having kids were married, but I doubt that's actually significant, just a weird coincidence.

I think it's a purely personal decision and obviously it's advisable to look into the legal side of things, but I certainly don't think having kids before marriage could ever be described as 'unreasonable'. It's completely normal these days.

CockacidalManiac · 25/01/2017 10:47

You only have to wander over to the Relationships boards to see the mess that people end up in with no legal protection. Lots of people still believe in the myth of 'common law'. People who say 'I never thought it would happen to me'.

TrickyD · 25/01/2017 10:48

X post, sorry Buttery, you expressed it better.

Catherinebee85 · 25/01/2017 10:48

Bf doesn't 'believe' in marriage apparrently and sees children as a bigger commitment. Both his parents are on marriage 3 or 4 so I can understand his view point to some extent.

I'm now 31 and pregnant and gutted I'm not married as it's really important to me however I've just had to accept that I can't have it all.

WorraLiberty · 25/01/2017 10:48

Marriage obviously means a lot to you, so no I wouldn't have kids before marriage.

If your DP genuinely wants to be married to you, he'll get his finger out sooner rather than later.

What's more important here? The 'wedding day' or the actual marriage?

Nellyphants · 25/01/2017 10:50

Could you get married now & have a wedding later? Witnesses registery office then could have a church blessing, pagan vows, big party whatever at another time?

EllieQ · 25/01/2017 10:51

I wouldn't have had a child without the legal protection of marriage, no matter how much I trusted DH. Plus, you have more money, time, and energy to organise the wedding - I'm really baffled by people who plan to do it the other way round just for this reason!

And I very much agree with the previous poster who commented about the practical aspects - having been to two family weddings where the bride & groom had a young child (under 2), it was clear they couldn't relax and enjoy themselves the way we had when we got married, no matter how much family were available to help out.