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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have kids before marriage?

232 replies

PandaEyes25 · 25/01/2017 10:27

I'm desperate to start TTC with my Partner of 7 years. Everything is pretty much spot on regarding timing as I am in a good job which will allow me to work flexibly, we have a good amount of savings and live in a nice area in our own house with a couple of spare bedrooms.

The only thing is, we are not married.
It's not the my OH doesn't believe in marriage. He says that we will get married at some point but I'm not sure if I want to bring a baby into the mix without having the stability marriage provides.

I'm just curious to see if other people agree with me that getting married first is definitely the right thing to do or if I'm just getting a bit hung up over it and that it's not worth putting off having children for.

OP posts:
butterfliesandzebras · 25/01/2017 12:03

Let us not assume women earn less than men. If this poster might earn 10x her ex and work full time with a very short maternity leave as I did then she is better off financially by not marrying

Ok, let's assume the op earns a lot more. Let's also assume that she loves her partner and potential future kids. If she should suddenly drop dead, does she want her suddenly bereaved single parent partner to be dealing with extra financial problems (and the impact that will have on her kids) or for what is an awful time to be as easy as possible?

Again, marriage is not the only solution, and may well not be the best solution in individual cases, but having a clear financial/legal set up (whatever form works for you) before kids is important.

KayTee87 · 25/01/2017 12:03

Churches can do cheap weddings too

Yes, this. I got married at my church for free.

Nospringflower · 25/01/2017 12:04

I am not married and have 3 children with my partner and we are bothfine with it.

I think if you are ever going to do it it's before you have children as its unlikely to be more of a priority later so i would say if its something important to you (both) I would do it now.

MaryTheCanary · 25/01/2017 12:05

Even if you could set up a bunch of legal agreements and contracts and whatnots that carefully and cleverly provide the same benefits as marriage... it's like, well, why would you go to all that trouble?

Why not just go down to the reg. office and pay 200 quid? It would be a lot simpler.

The only reason I can think of for doing is, is that the guy has a phobia about the very concept of "marriage." Why would anyone have a kid with someone who is like that?

savagehk · 25/01/2017 12:05

Don't rely on a baby napping so that you can work! Some babies don't sleep very much during the day. You will need childcare when you work even if it is a few hours a day. Could you work during the weekend when your DP is at home? - this is also true, although I'd be tempted to have a babysitter in the house with you to entertain baby instead. Part of the reason we got an au pair.

KanyeWesticle · 25/01/2017 12:07

I'd definitely have a registry office marriage before a pregnancy. If he says no to that, he has other reasons - I don't think he can say its about the money.

PaintingOwls · 25/01/2017 12:08

Why don't you get married and start trying and leave the wedding out, then have a big bash for your 1 year anniversary? So sort of like a delayed wedding but more of a party and without all the extra money you get charged for having a wedding.

Original poster
PandaEyes25 · 25/01/2017 12:10

We both earn pretty much the same, within about £100 or so of each other.

I work for our family business so I'm very lucky that I could work as and when and wouldn't really need fixed hours. I was thinking of maybe working as and when I could for the first 6 months or so and then after that just working one day a week and putting the baby into nursery for the day. That way, I wouldn't really have to cut my wages by such a drastic percentage.

Thanks to all who mentioned the inheritance tax. Naive, I know, but that never even occurred to me!

OP posts:
OwlinaTree · 25/01/2017 12:15

Get married first. You will never want to spend the money doing it after children, their costs and needs will come first.

Butterymuffin · 25/01/2017 12:15

I'd say to him then OP that you want to plan a low key wedding for the next six months so you can get on with starting a family after that. It could still be a church one, if you keep the general costs down.

Justanothernameonthepage · 25/01/2017 12:22

I don't think you'd miss the bells and all wedding. We spent more than I'd have liked (around the national average). But the bits I found made me happiest weren't any of the extra bits. It was the moment after we'd switched rings and we couldn't stop smiling stupidly at each other, unwilling to let go. Worst case scenario with missing out feelings is you have a small registry office wedding and in a couple of years, you go for a big blessing.

EurusHolmesViolin · 25/01/2017 12:31

Are you going to go and get some legal advice together OP? It sounds like you may need to think about inheritance tax if you haven't before.

IrnBrufan · 25/01/2017 12:31

We had a very much planned baby then got married a year later. Second baby now on the way.
Having this baby and being married is absolutely no different for us than it was the first time.
We always knew we'd get married eventually but starting our family sooner was more important to us. I never had any concerns about doing it this way and I wouldn't change it.

MidnightAura · 25/01/2017 12:31

I think you should go with your instincts. You can still get married without the big white wedding if your partner isn't keen on making a huge fuss.

When we announced our engagement last year and announced we would be getting married in 6 months, people kept asking if I was pregnant! (I mean if I had been, I would hardly have been waiting 6 months!). DH and I are now ttc. I didn't want to have children outside of marriage particularly when we agree that I will be a SAHM when children come along. (DH is a higher earner)

NameChange30 · 25/01/2017 12:44

Read the Citizens Advice website link that a PP shared, about the legal differences between marriage and cohabitation. Inheritance tax is one of them, and it may not be a consideration now, but it certainly could be if you want to leave your 50% or the house to your partner.

Based on your follow-up posts and the fact that you want to give up work (or go down to very part-time hours) to look after your child, you should definitely get married before TTC. Marriage protects the lower earning partner, which is often the woman if she gives up work or reduces her hours to look after children. Don't forget the fact that you won't be making pension contributions either (or at least not as much) so he will be building up a nice pension while you want.

It's not very romantic but actually it does show love and consideration for your partner to want to ensure they are protected legally and provided for financially.

NameChange30 · 25/01/2017 12:45

won't not want!

ftmsoon · 25/01/2017 12:49

I would like to add a slightly different experience. I always said I wanted to be married before kids. I was, no problem as DH agreed.
When I had DD, we were in hospital for 10 days. When told she needed urgent treatment I collapsed with shock and couldn't think straight for hours. Pretty much till she was out and safe in my arms again. During that time, DH could make decisions for her as we were married. If we hadn't been married, I would have been the only one who could have made those decisions and that would have caused a delay in DD getting her treatment.
I don't wish to scare you, DD is absolutely fine with no lasting effects, but it's another thing you may not have considered. I certainly hadn't!

BarbarianMum · 25/01/2017 12:51

ImBrufan it would have been very different for you if one of you had died, or become incapacitated or walked off during that time. Don't mistake good luck for good judgement.

IrnBrufan · 25/01/2017 12:57

barbarian that's absolute nonsense. We made a choice that suited us. For us it was the right choice and one I wouldn't change. You make your choices regarding your own life, doesn't give you the right to tell me my choices are wrong or bad. It's nothing to do with luck.

Runnngupthathill · 25/01/2017 12:57

Panda I haven't RTFT but just wanted to say I wanted a baby, we were engaged anyway but neither of us wanted a big wedding. We ended up getting married when I was pregnant, we had a small church wedding, about 35 people there. I'm so glad we got married before the DC came along because I wouldnt have had the money or time after to get married! It depends if you want the whole big wedding thing, I didn't. I feel more secure being married but that's just me.

Original poster
PandaEyes25 · 25/01/2017 13:00

ftmsoon That's so scary! That certainly wouldn't have occurred to me.
Thank goodness your DD is okay!

OP posts:
user1484394242 · 25/01/2017 13:01

You don't have to spend a lot of money on one big day. Just do it at the registey office. Our wedding cost us £66. Neither of us were interested in anything other than the paperwork.

Vikkijayne2507 · 25/01/2017 13:03

Ive got an almost 3 year old and a 7 month old. We've just passed 10 years together. Unmarried. But he is fully aware I want marriage and a nice wedding. But I won't even think about an actual wedding until baby is at least 3 years old when they can go stay at grandparents house so we can have some freedom. My 2/3 year old is a proper handful so I'd need to be on top of him the whole time

FilledSoda · 25/01/2017 13:08

Just get married in nice registry office

ApplePaltrow21 · 25/01/2017 13:13

You work for the family business? Who owns the business? His family? Your family? Is he self employed?

You may be more vulnerable here, not less.