To have kids before marriage?

[PandaEyes25]

I'm desperate to start TTC with my Partner of 7 years. Everything is pretty much spot on regarding timing as I am in a good job which will allow me to work flexibly, we have a good amount of savings and live in a nice area in our own house with a couple of spare bedrooms.

The only thing is, we are not married.
It's not the my OH doesn't believe in marriage. He says that we will get married at some point but I'm not sure if I want to bring a baby into the mix without having the stability marriage provides.

I'm just curious to see if other people agree with me that getting married first is definitely the right thing to do or if I'm just getting a bit hung up over it and that it's not worth putting off having children for.

Well I wouldn't but plenty of people do. I read somewhere that married parents are less likely to split up than unmarried parents but I don't know how true it is.
Just go to the registry office and if you still want a big party in a couple of years do it then.

Personally I wouldn't consider it due to the legal and financial protections being married offers you and your DC. As a PP has said - it crops up all the time on the relationships board. People in desperate situations - we weren't married but I thought we'd be together forever etc.

If marriage is important to you then it may not be a good idea to have children with someone beforehand, no. You're effectively giving away your 'leverage'. If you're not actually that bothered, you'd just prefer it in an ideal world, then it may well be fine. Depends on what you prioritise. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer in that respect. Usual caveats about legal advice apply: you should both be sure you are aware of the legal distinctions between marriage and cohabitation, as you may find one of them preferable for your personal circumstances.

Either way though, I'd want cards on the table. Does he actually want to get married or is that a line? I don't mean it should be a deal breaker if he doesn't, but if he doesn't then you should know before TTC. You should both be able to make informed decisions. What you don't want is for him to vaguely string you along with promises of eventually, then a couple of kids down the line in an argument he blurts out that he never wants to get married anyway. Active, informed choices are better. They also allow for better future planning.

I think children are more binding than a marriage certificate. Once you have a child with someone you can (usually) never just walk away from them so I would say it doesn't matter whether you are married or not.

??

People can and do walk away from the children, all the time. Having a child with someone is, at best, a commitment to the child. Not the other parent. You can walk away from parenthood much more easily than you can a marriage.

I cringe every time I read on the Relationships board about a woman who is living with a man, has had his children, she's given up work so he can do whatever he wants at work, then the children are in their teens and he's misbehaving/having an affair etc and she is SO vulnerable.

What are your plans for after the baby is born? Whose going to look after it, whose going to pay for the things it needs? Getting pregnant before getting married is unwise. But giving up work or cutting your hours once you have the baby is just plain stupid if you're not married.

Married parents are more likely to stay together than unmarried, yes, but there's a bit more to it. Because a certain percentage of unmarried couples with kids who don't split up will then go on to marry. Whereas there isn't a similar percentage from the married group who get divorced but still carry on living together happily, iyswim, and obviously the unmarrieds who then get married are from the part of the cohort who've not split up.

So I don't think I'd pay particular attention to that stat.

People can and do walk away from the children, all the time. Having a child with someone is, at best, a commitment to the child. Not the other parent. You can walk away from parenthood much more easily than you can a marriage.

This ^^ 100%.

I've known a lot of women over the years who have wanted to get married, but their DP's have trotted out the line "Kids are a bigger commitment than marriage".

And then buggered off once the relationship broke down, only to make the 'biggest commitment' again, with another few women.

me and my OH aren't married and we have 2 dc and have been together over 10 years, I don't ever think he would try to screw me over in any way if things were to ever end between us and vice versa it's having that trust and respect for each other to know that we don't need marriage for security. also wedding are so bloody expensive we'd have to save for a long while, so no marriage for us though it's never been completely written off, so maybe one day

Jeez. I can't believe this, have we gone back to the 1950s?

I had DS before we got married and he is now 18. It has never, ever been an issue. We are married now & had a 2nd dc after we got married.

Just make sure you make a will & have proper legal agreements in place concerning your property ownership.

Getting married doesn't have to be expensive. You don't need a big party. But marriage shows you both mean to make this a long term relationship. Which is something I'd want before bringing a child into the world. Why would you want to take on that kind of long term commitment without an assurance that he does too?

Sadly, the chances of you splitting up are much greater if you are not married. Of course marriages don't always work out either, but your legal and financial situation is much better if you are married. Don't you owe it to your children to give them that extra stability?

I'd get married first. Marriage is important.

I wouldn't both from Catholic POV and from financial/security /commitment POV. I can't imagine having children with someone if they viewed this very differently to me, but I don't know for sure as all my serious boyfriends would have married someone in these circumstances, so havent really had to face it.

fwiw Everyone has different views on the matter and I have several friends who are living together in committed relationships and have had a child as they didnt want to wait any longer. So far all is going well. I have 1 married friend who had children before us and now is into a drawn out painful separation.

However I would get married without a wedding! (although I didn't, I am just saying I definitely would have done this as an option)

I'm so glad we waited until we'd had kids before we got married. DD was 7 and DS was 4. It was just fab. DD and I did the whole girly thing together - bought tiaras, got our nails done etc. She looked beautiful on the day and as my parents are dead, they walked me down the aisle at the reg office. I couldn't have been more proud. Our invites came from us as a family and children were most definitely welcome at the bash afterwards. We hired a magician and kids entertainer for them, must have had 25+ kids.

At our first dance, DH and I did a bit then the DC joined us, I held DD's hand and picked up DS and it was one of the best memories of my life. I'd always say have kids then get married!! :)

Marriage is often the cheapest way to ensure some important legal protections, if you don't have any ideological resistance to the idea of being married. Things like inheritance issues, parental rights and responsibilities - not the mention financial implocations if you want to give up work or reduce hours after DC.

This is why I wanted to get married before kids. We had small ceremony - you could do a registry office and nice meal after rather than spend a fortune.

I am glad I did as my prioritises have changed with children and they do place unexpected restriction on us - as we do not have family nearby to help.

DH agreed with me when I pointed out at the time he would have more rights with regards to the children - that does not hold true anymore as they changed the law afterwards so if they are on birth certificate they get PR automatically.

I'm going to be the bleak one and say of all the unmarried couples with kids I know, only one couple were still together when the DC turned 18.

It is shockingly easy for a man to leave and dump you with 20 years of work and expense raising his kids 100 per cent - while, if you're unmarried, giving you 0 for the privilege. If you're married you don't get much either, but you really do get nothing but a vast bill if you're not.

Whilst I don't 'believe' in marriage for any religious/moral reasons I was never going to have a child without the protection it brings. You can get married reasonably cheaply - no body really likes these £20K circuses. You would be very foolish to have a child without this.

Have you raised the possibility of a quiet do with him OP? If you're not getting married, you're going to need legal advice on how best to protect yourselves anyway, which is probably going to be more expensive. Of course you may have done this already.

I am genuinely shocked at all the women on here who think marriage before kids is important. OP you are not a statistic. Your relationship with your DH will be exactly the same after you get married as before. Having kids is a much more profound change to a relationship. Only you & your DP can guess how you will react to that.

You don't say how old you are, but if you are feeling the ticking of the biological clock and your partner is keen to become a parent too I would just get on and do it.

And deal with legal rights & responsibilities in a sensible way.

Yep marriage first. The legal and financial protection it gives you and your future DC is huge.

Also at the moment you are not each other's next of kin. So if one of you were in hospital and someone had to make decisions about your care, it would be your parents, not each other.

Have an inexpensive wedding, and get TTCing!

DH agreed with me when I pointed out at the time he would have more rights with regards to the children - that does not hold true anymore as they changed the law afterwards so if they are on birth certificate they get PR automatically.

It does, because you could have prevented him from being on the BC and having automatic PR if you weren't married. He'd have had to go to court. He could also have refused to be on it and there's nothing you could have done to make him have PR if he didn't want to. So marriage gives more or less rights wrt children depending on how you look at it.

I am genuinely shocked at all the women on here who think marriage before kids is important.

You win the award for Most Easily Shocked.

We didn't get married until I decided I wanted to reduce my earning potential, I didn't want to do the same type of work. However, dh could do compressed hours and keep his wages. Because I will be earning less and I've taken longer off for maternity leave, impacting on my career, we decided to marry after the first child. This was for legal protection for me rather than him. Cheap wedding including rings less than £300. Marriage isn't about a wedding day and it being too expensive is just an excuse. I know someone who was very disparaging about my wedding saying that she'd never get married like that. Her dp won't have a big wedding, stating he doesn't want the expense when really he doesn't want her to have more protection. they have a child and she doesn't work. She's very vulnerable.

And I know many other people who are in very successful long-term relationships who are not married, or did not get married until their dc were quite a bit older. In fact I probably know more married couples with kids who split up than unmarried ones. It is a sign of trust & commitment in itself.

We have a DD and are not married, we are getting married this year though.

I don't think you need marriage to provide the stability for a child, if the stability isn't already there, then why would you have a child, or even get married?

I think it's an old fashioned way of thinking nowadays and if you are both committed to the relationship, I don't see why you would need to get married first.

We have friends who got married after being together about 2 years, he openly says he only asked her to get married (a year in to the relationship) as she wouldn't have children until they were wed, it took them about two years to conceive and several miscarriages. You are not guaranteed to fall pregnant easily, so don't get married just for the sake of having a child, get married because you want to and have a child because you want to.

As others have said, there's no guarantee that marriage will be any more secure unless you both feel the same way about making the commitment.

Having said that, the legal aspects are useful.

And, some anecdata - a friend was in a similar situation, she'd liked to have get married but he didn't believe in it or some such, so she agreed to TTC without being married. Stable relationship, happy couple. They started TTC and got pregnant and he... buggered off. Now he may well have done so anyway and - to be fair - it's probably easier for her now to manage his level of contact (although she does actually want him to be involved) as his name doesn't need to be on a birth certificate so he doesn't have to have parental responsibility. And I think ideally she'd have preferred to not have a child with someone who buggered off but rather with a new stable partner, but of course life doesn't always work out how you planned.