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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to read my son's text messages?

87 replies

Mobile2405 · 16/01/2017 20:12

DH and I cannot agree.

He thinks that we shouldn't, unless we tell him that we will be keeping an eye on what he does on his phone and even then, he will just delete messages, so he thinks we should put the trust into him and into talking to him, etc.

I don't think there's an issue with having a quick peek to make sure that he is speaking to people we know/make sure he is speaking age appropriately.

Who is BU?

OP posts:
user1474439326 · 16/01/2017 20:13

I'd sneak peek!

cherrycrumblecustard · 16/01/2017 20:13

How old is he?

PostTruthEra · 16/01/2017 20:14

How old? 9 not unreasonable, 21 very unreasonable!

Also, how mature and trustworthy generally?

sanityisamyth · 16/01/2017 20:14

How old is he?

If he's old enough to have a phone and the responsibility that goes with it, then he has the right to some privacy?

Do you open his paper post, e-mails or listen in to his phone conversations?

NavyandWhite · 16/01/2017 20:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ilovecaindingle · 16/01/2017 20:15

I peek at teens but not ds 22!!def wouldn't want to do that anyway! Blush

Original poster
Mobile2405 · 16/01/2017 20:16

He's 11 and got a very cheap one for secondary school. DH thinks that if we see him on it too much we tell him to cut down on hours and if he gets annoyed speak to him, I automatically jump to he is on it a lot - we should have a look.

OP posts:
KirstyJC · 16/01/2017 20:16

I look. DS got a phone in yr 6 and one of the conditions was that he let me look through both the texts and the internet history. I don't do it often, and I usually tell him once I have. I wouldn't do it if I hadn't told him though - although if he hadn't agreed he wouldn't have the phone!

He is pretty clued up on safety etc and I did explain that was why I wanted to keep an eye on it, not that I didn't trust him. He is very good though and on the rare occasions he does get something odd he comes and shows us. He is 13 and in y8 now and I am looking less.

harderandharder2breathe · 16/01/2017 20:16

Depends on age. I think "a condition of you having the phone is random spot checks" is reasonable. I think snooping with no warning that you might is unreasonable.

Original poster
Mobile2405 · 16/01/2017 20:17

Apparently he thinks it just encourages him to delete text messages.

OP posts:
Crumbs1 · 16/01/2017 20:19

I'm with you that good parenting involves knowing what is going on in their lives, and who they are communicating with. Can't bear all this 'they need privacy at all costs' nonsense.

thebakerwithboobs · 16/01/2017 20:22

I have spyware on my 11 year old's phone and iPod and I'm not sorry in the slightest. He has no idea, so no deleting, and I have peace of mind that he is safe in messages, instagram, emails and browsing. I have had to ignore a huge amount of things that I would not be happy with (swearing for example) because I know if I'm
Honest that I did them too! But I know that he's safe. My sister is horrified with me as I am sure many other people will be but at least I have the reassurance that he is safe.

whathaveiforgottentoday · 16/01/2017 20:23

I check my 10 year old's phone almost daily. I was one of the conditions of her getting the phone in the first case. At 11, definitely ok to check, at 14 years old, maybe not so ok but hopefully they will be a bit more savvy by that age (or just much better at covering their tracks so checking becomes a bit pointless!).

seven201 · 16/01/2017 20:23

I'm a teacher and a parent told me she had a secret app (or something, it went way over my head) and monitored her daughter's messages. It didn't sit right with me. This was in the context of her expecting me to sort out a friendship issue whilst not being allowed to say I knew about messages!

I think if you're going to do be up front about it. I do agree with your dh though, the 'naughty' ones will probably just be deleted.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 16/01/2017 20:27

So at what age is the spying supposed to stop. I personally don't think it's right.

Sparklingbrook · 16/01/2017 20:27

Who do you think he is texting?

CancellyMcChequeface · 16/01/2017 20:29

At 11, I'd say it's fine to read his messages, but you should let him know in advance and say that it's a condition of him having the phone. Spying software or reading the messages in secret seems wrong to me at any age - either you think it's reasonable that you have access to his messages, in which case there's no need for secrecy, or you don't, in which case you shouldn't be looking!

He's a child, but children have a right to privacy too - it's fine to say that the phone is 'not private,' but letting him think that it is and then snooping is morally wrong, in my opinion.

titchy · 16/01/2017 20:30

but at least I have the reassurance that he is safe.

Until you need to discuss something you've seen with him, then you're fucked cos you'll have to tell him how you know, which means he'll just get better at hiding things next time, which kind of defeats the object doesn't it?

titchy · 16/01/2017 20:31

Just tell 'em you reserve the right to check periodically as a condition of phone ownership. Oh and kids don't text btw!

GTS · 16/01/2017 20:31

I have an 11 year old DS. Found some truly awful stuff on there.

My house, my rules. All bets are off now and I will check it when I want to.

Of course that said, I'm sure he just deletes anything he doesn't want me to see which sort of defeats the object....

Sparklingbrook · 16/01/2017 20:32

My DSs are 15 and 17 and I never look at their phones. They never text anyone though. Apart from people like the driving instructor/football coach. It's all WhatsApp/Snapchat etc.

Llamacorn · 16/01/2017 20:32

My eldest is 14 and I read her texts and facebook messages. BUT I told her this right at the beginning when she first had a phone, that a condition of her having it is me being able to read messages when I feel the need.
She is actually pretty open with everything and usually shows me her texts without me even asking. I allowed her to get Snapchat recently which worried me more as pictures delete themselves but she'll sit with me when messaging friends on this and laugh and show me what they're sending her anyway.
I think it's important to have trust, both ways. I think I'd feel deceptive if I was reading them without telling her. Recently I've been checking less and less so I can see me stopping all together before long.

Andro · 16/01/2017 20:33

I have spyware on my 11 year old's phone and iPod and I'm not sorry in the slightest.

I suspect you will be when he finds out about it - and he almost certainly will at some point. Talk about shattered trust!

LineyReborn · 16/01/2017 20:33

I've never spied on my son, but then he didn't have his own mobile phone at 11.

Rockpebblestone · 16/01/2017 20:38

I checked my DC's phone at that age. Was still getting used to it. I would take it to charge it and check it was ok - with them quite often. Never really discussed this as a rule and it wasn't an issue -we would discuss friendships & what to write back in texts anyway. Rules we discussed were regarding what to do regarding phone bullying and what stuff is appropriate to send/receive.

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