to read my son's text messages?

[Mobile2405]

DH and I cannot agree.

He thinks that we shouldn't, unless we tell him that we will be keeping an eye on what he does on his phone and even then, he will just delete messages, so he thinks we should put the trust into him and into talking to him, etc.

I don't think there's an issue with having a quick peek to make sure that he is speaking to people we know/make sure he is speaking age appropriately.

Who is BU?

[DesignedForLife]

Does anyone else have experience of this from the other side?

My parents never spied on my online life, they wouldn't have known how to. However when I was 16 our computer crashed whilst I was on it and I went to bed. Next day my parents booted it up and my msn chat came up. That's how they discovered my very serious self harm problem and realised just how suicidal I was. They promptly got me help, changed their tactics with me, and much to my dismay pulled out the internet overnight. I don't doubt it saved my life.

What your dad did was wrong, and I wouldn't personally condone something like a spying app as I think trust is more important, but kids need boundaries and guide and need to be kept in check. I don't know what the solution is to be honest though.

[ailPartout]

I wonder if the people who agree with covert surveillance of DCs phones on this thread also agree with government surveillance of adult internet and phone use. It's almost like a small-scale version of the liberty/security question.

As I said earlier, I'm a computer geek. I'm much better placed than the majority to check out my children's internet usage. I'm also more likely to communicate without the government knowing. It's all a game of cat and mouse. Neither side can win: it can just take either side a little longer to evade monitoring or intercept the communication. For the government and parents, time is not on their side.

To compare the two, really?

The OP is talking about children?

[cheval]

If the consensus for stopping prying is 13, what do you think happens then? They generally get up to far worse mid teens then when they're 11.
I used to take sneak peaks onto teenagers' facebook pages if they inadvertently left it on. Most was dull, some was hair raising. It gave an insight to their lives and relationships that were interesting, but ultimately not helpful. Best not to look I discovered.

[CancellyMcChequeface]

I think it's a fair comparison, in that some people might hold privacy to be a more important value than others. I don't disagree at all that parents should be able to look at their children's phones and what they're doing online. That's being a responsible parent. What I disagree with is doing it covertly, which is an invasion of privacy - they think the phone is private, but it isn't. Very, very ethically different to telling them that you'll be monitoring their usage because as a parent you need to keep them safe.

[user1484317265]

I wonder if the people who agree with covert surveillance of DCs phones on this thread also agree with government surveillance of adult internet and phone use. It's almost like a small-scale version of the liberty/security question

It isn't. They are children, we are adults. They need the attention, we do not. But whether you like it or not, its the price you pay for using the technology.

All this stuff about how if you check up on them it makes them sneaky, you need to trust them. I do trust them, I trust that my normal sensible parent surveillance will not make them sneak about. If you really think your teens will get illicit burner phones and so on, you clearly don't trust them at all. And for good reason, since you must have very sneaky untrustworthy kids!

[ailPartout]

they think the phone is private, but it isn't. Very, very ethically different to telling them that you'll be monitoring their usage because as a parent you need to keep them safe.

A definition you feel is necessary to make!

[FrameyMcFrame]

As long as you have parental controls on your internet so porn can't be watched by accident then why would you want to read their messages?

[user1484317265]

As long as you have parental controls on your internet so porn can't be watched by accident then why would you want to read their messages?

What on earth do those two things have to do with each other? They aren't even related?

I do worry about the ability of some parents to supervise their children with technology they (the parents) understand very little of. Your kids can run rings around you if you don't learn enough.

[Floofborksnootandboop]

I've never felt the need to check my DCs phones, now 14, 16, 18 and 19, I had an open and honest relationship with them so they trusted me if they ever got into something bad. It worked out fine for us but I do understand it might not for everyone though.

If ever had needed to do it I would've been upfront about it and not tried to hide it. I don't think it right to be doing behind their backs and downloading things without their knowledge.

[kali110]

It's def not fantasy children having a second phone, i got another one from my friend and this was nearly 20 years ago!(when phones were bricks lol) admittedly my parents knew i had it but it would have been easy to hide it if i'd wanted too..

[user1484317265]

That's your messed up story, its not most kids. And I bet you weren't 11.

[nixnjj]

If the mother of one child had checked her daughters phone she would have realised she was self harming.
If either parent of another had checked his phone they would have realised how their divorce, fighting and eagerness to date was effecting his mental health.
Another would have realised her daughter was being bullied.
Another would have realised that expecting a 14 year old having to look after her 5 younger siblings left her no time to do her homework resulting in the poor child having nearly daily detentions.

I've found that if kids don't feel they can talk to their parents they tend to speak to their friends and a regular check of group chats can fairly quickly pick up issues.