to read my son's text messages?

[Mobile2405]

DH and I cannot agree.

He thinks that we shouldn't, unless we tell him that we will be keeping an eye on what he does on his phone and even then, he will just delete messages, so he thinks we should put the trust into him and into talking to him, etc.

I don't think there's an issue with having a quick peek to make sure that he is speaking to people we know/make sure he is speaking age appropriately.

Who is BU?

[Magzmarsh]

This subject is always really divisive on mn. I think it's ok if you make it clear to your child that you will be looking at their online history and communications, I think doing it covertly is a bad idea and will only lead to a lack of trust if they find out and once you feel confident they're sensible and trustworthy, back off and leave them to it.

[Sparklingbrook]

What about phone calls? No way of finding out what was said in those and the call history is easily deleted.

[Mollyringworm]

I don't religiously read texts as such but sometimes I do flick through ds age 13 and dd age 11 phones if they're left lying around and I check their Instagram and snapchat, that kind of stuff.
I'm glad I do too as I found some slight bullying going on a while back (ds was being a bit mean to a nerdy girl in his year) and I was able to bring it up with him and His dad and I gave him a right bollocking about it.
Don't feel guilty about it at all, if they've nothing to hide they've nothing to fear!

[Rixera]

I used msn messenger at that age (oh nostalgia!) And learnt swiftly to lie about everyone and everything on there.
Maybe if the effort had been put in to build trust in the first place I would have just spoken about who was adding me and what they were saying but to those in high school, the more secretive you have to be the more fun it is. Plus it paints you as the sneaky, underhanded bad guy to be avoided.

Oh and I knew my mum read my diary so I lied in that as well.

[user1484226561]

I think parents have a responsibility to do what ever they can to protect their children on line. That means checking their phones. There is no need to worry that you won't "catch them out" if you warn them first that this is likely to happen, because the whole point is to make them think for themselves about what is appropriate. if they find themselves deleting things because they don't want you to see it, that means they realise it is wrong. Thats the best you can hope for, helping them develop judgement.

[Pluto30]

Actually the police tell you to monitor your child's messages.

Must be different in the UK. I'm in the police force and we don't advocate that. As others have said, teenagers have far more modes of communication than just texts (WhatsApp, Kik, Facebook, Snapchat, Insta DM, Twitter DM, Xbox Live etc), and if they find out that their parents are reading their messages in one way, they're just going to switch to another. If you're going to read their messages, be open with them that it's a part of the deal with them having a phone/computer/Xbox etc. And don't obsessively stalk their communication.

It's far better to encourage an open (and judgement free) communication line with your children. This is something many parents think they are doing, but aren't. If your children come to you with something, and you treat it with any degree of hostility, suspicion, blame, judgement etc. you're doing far more damage than you realise. You're going to have a far healthier relationship with your child if they feel free to come to you about anything than you are if you just decide to snoop on their conversations with other people.

[thisismyfirsttime]

I am quite a way off from this with my own dd but from my experiences of myself/ nieces/ general stories the rules here are and will be- if you want a phone you can have one. Likewise with social media. BUT I reserve the right to check it as and when I deem necessary. Phones/ tablets will be surrendered at a certain time each night (bedtime/ sleeptime) and will be kept away so they're not on it all night. I won't check every night at all but when I do I expect to have full access to the phone/ apps and if I check it and passwords have been changed without telling me you will give me the password before you get your ph

[BakeOffBiscuits]

My DDs are older now but when they were 11 we told them that we had the right to look at their phones whenever we wanted.

I think you'd be mad not to have access to your 11 year olds phone in this day and age!

By the way I don't think we ever did look at our dds phones but they knew we could if we asked.

[BakeOffBiscuits]

Mine were also not allowed phones in their at night until they were nearly 16.

They've also never had Tvs in their rooms either!

[thisismyfirsttime]

Posted too soon! You won't get your phone back until I have the passwords and then I'll comb through much more than I would have. No password/ access, no phone back. Bullying, grooming, so many things are far worse for kids today because they can't close the door on them. My dcs can disagree with my terms which is fine, but they won't have smartphones/ social media at home at all then! And I'll regularly change the wifi password and turn it off overnight just in case!

[bellie710]

My nephew is 14 and so far has done some very dodgy stuff with his phone! He now has his phone back but he knows that at any minute of the day someone will ask for his phone and we will check all his messages, snapchat, messenger etc. Do not underestimate teenagers with phones, whether you trust them or not even the sensible kids do stupid things

[DJBaggySmalls]

At 11 its just normal parenting to monitor them.

[Italiangreyhound]

We pay the bill, and the phone is in my name. So I tell DD I will check her internet and messages. I do it about once a month. I check first then I tell her and we check together. I do this so that if there were anything 'odd' I can check and compose myself etc. I check with her because her spelling is appalling (seriously) and I am worried sometimes she may get into problems due to mistakes.

I know my dd would like total privacy but she has a phone we pay for, which I never had at 12, and the potential for bullying/friendship problems/sexting/and the whole kit and kaboodle is just too big for me to ignore the phone.

BUT for me it goes both ways, she, my husband and my six year old son are all welcome to read my texts anytime they like. They would all be bored rigid!

[helpfulperson]

The problem is that people are talking about checking texts and facebook. Which isn't the primary means of communication these days. Whats App, Instagram etc are also becoming old hat. It's hard to keep up with what they are using . Assuming that is of course that it is being done on the phone you are aware of not the secret phone you know nothing about. Don't rely on checking - concentrate on keeping the channels of communication open and set a good example in your own on line life eg use of mumsnet etc.

[Tanith]

The sooner children learn that their messages are public property, the better.

The internet is not a private and personal space and should never be viewed as such. Your mum reading what you've typed is the very least of it!

[ailPartout]

Safety of their own volitio is more important than checking up on them.

I will know every single thing my children do online (the benefits of being techy) until they're 16 or so. Maybe 17. I've no doubt it'll mean pretending I don't know about a couple of things but that's the choice I've made.

The problem is, if he wanted to hide something from you as he knows there's a chance you'll check later on, he can easily delete things (history, second log ins etc).

I also advise my parents to be 'friends' with their children on Facebook or whatever else. Children tend to forget that they're there but it enables you to easily see what they're posting.

[helpfulperson]

ailpartout - no, you may know about everything they do online on devices you know about on your wifi. You have no way at all of knowing what they do on phones you don't know exist, on public wifi, possibly using an alias. Or via their mates accounts.

[user1484317265]

11 year olds have secret second phones they keep hidden from parents? How do they pay for them?
I think you're in the realms of fantasy now.

It's not that hard to keep a proper eye on what they are up to, and if you don't then frankly thats neglectful in this day and age.

[Witchend]

Definitely at that age.

I volunteer in a primary age group activity and we discovered a couple of months back that they were communicating on whattsap. There was a nasty group set up (called "IdontlikeX") and a couple of pictures you really don't want sharing...

It got out because one of the children got quite upset about the content, but didn't want to say anything because they thought they'd be in trouble. They had been added to the group by a friend who knew their number. Some of the other children had been getting upset too, but again they didn't want to be the tale teller and thought they would be in trouble too.
If the parents had checked it could have been sorted out much sooner and easier.

[ailPartout]

helpfulperson

Mac addresses are added via a whitelist to our router.

Yes, they could have burner phones using 3 or 4G, but unlikely. They have very limited income.

They could spoof the Mac address. They could brute force the router. They could tie me up and torture me to get the router admin password... it's all fairly unlikely. As it is, I'm likely to have access to every keypress they make on their (DP provided) devices and internet for a good while.

[janinlondon]

Most of the kids I know with second phones got them from other kids - old phones being passed around. Often with contracts still running or set up through the other child's/family's accounts. Some have admittedly got them through dodgier methods.

[Motherfuckers]

It is really hard to know what to do for the best, because obviously at 11 they need monitoring, but I agree with your DH that it will only encourage him to delete messages. Most teenagers I know who have been monitored by their parents have developed ways to protect their privacy, such as only using snapchat etc, so there is no record.

[nixnjj]

Deal when my son got a phone was that I have access to check. He's shown me how to work Instagram, snapchat etc. We're close and I know most of his mates. If he's busy and phone buzzes he ask me to get it and often reply for him. Standing jokes that I'm his PA and I don't need to put the phone to my ear to answer FaceTime. Have seen worrying messages, girls self harming, problems with parents and advise him on how to help them. Seems to work as now have his friends coming to me for advice, hot chocolate and hugs. Trust and respect is a two way street.

[CancellyMcChequeface]

Does anyone else have experience of this from the other side? When I was about 12 my dad started recording all the calls on our landline without my knowledge. I never discussed anything worrying or dangerous - lots of silly preteen stuff though including swearing, conversations about dieting, periods, crushes, speculative conversations about drugs, etc. I felt so embarrassed and betrayed when I learnt that he'd been able to listen to it all (although with hindsight I doubt that he did more than check occasionally, since listening to hours of it would have been incredibly boring!) And I found out less than a year later. If it had gone on until I was older (16? 18?) I doubt I'd ever have been able to trust him again when I learnt the truth.

I wonder if the people who agree with covert surveillance of DCs phones on this thread also agree with government surveillance of adult internet and phone use. It's almost like a small-scale version of the liberty/security question.

[ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam]

I wonder if the people who agree with covert surveillance of DCs phones on this thread also agree with government surveillance of adult internet and phone use. It's almost like a small-scale version of the liberty/security question.

I agree, it'll be a case of "well if you've got nothing to hide"

Sorry you went through that, awful.