to read my son's text messages?

[Mobile2405]

DH and I cannot agree.

He thinks that we shouldn't, unless we tell him that we will be keeping an eye on what he does on his phone and even then, he will just delete messages, so he thinks we should put the trust into him and into talking to him, etc.

I don't think there's an issue with having a quick peek to make sure that he is speaking to people we know/make sure he is speaking age appropriately.

Who is BU?

[FrameyMcFrame]

Um no. If you need to spy on him there's something wrong. And spying probably won't fix it.

[wizzler]

DS got a phone for his 12th birthday on condition I can check it whenever I ask. I check it every couple of weeks while he is with me so he can show me how to use it

[MrsTerryPratchett]

I think at 11 he is still at an age when you would check parents know about sleep-overs and check what they're eating and so on. Checking their internet history is the same; about their health. But I would absolutely tell him you are doing it. And why.

[MuteButtonisOn]

11. I'd judge you if you didn't check.

[thebakerwithboobs]

I suspect you will be when he finds out about it - and he almost certainly will at some point. Talk about shattered trust!

We have done the same with the other children, removing it at 13 and none of them has ever found out, there's been no reason why they would have. There have been times when there have been nasty messages sent to our kids (and a couple that they've sent) and we have simply monitored-every single time so far they have actually come to us to tell us what has happened. I look, and will continue to look, and if a conversation ever needs to be had (and this would only ever be if they were unsafe) then we could do this simply by telling them we had picked it up and looked-it's a right we have always told them that we have, they have simply never seen us do it. It's not for everyone but I'm afraid after being a victim myself as a teenager, I'm taking zero chances with my sons.

[Rockpebblestone]

I always give the advice not to write in a text anything that you don't mind other people seeing anyway. Ditto with email. Texts and emails can easily be passed on.

[thebakerwithboobs]

And I'd rather shattered trust than shattered child.

[willdoitinaminute]

I occasionally check DS12 messages/posts. Some of the conversations he is included in, but seldom contributes to are appalling. He is happy to discuss comments that make him feel uncomfortable and will often consult us if he doesn't know whether his posts are appropriate.
Our generation have no experience of technology and social media as young teenagers and we have a responsibility to monitor their posts so they learn what is acceptable. In the same way we teach them social manners in RL.
However I am only responsible for my child, if I see something that has serious safeguarding issues I would inform his school since they take cyber bullying seriously and will deal with it whether it is in or out of school.

[notangelinajolie]

Do young people even text anymore? According to DD15 facebook is the place old people go to talk to grandmas and grandpas. I think you are barking up the wrong tree if you think texting is how they communicate.

[Mobile2405]

My son is 11, he texts. He has a crappy phone that doesn't have apps, I'm clearly not 'barking up the wrong tree'

[Pluto30]

Unless you have reason to believe he's doing something wrong, I think you should keep your nose out of his phone.

My mum used to snoop through my messages and computer when I was not much older than your son and it still bothers me. It damaged our relationship, as I wasn't doing anything wrong (and she had no reason to believe I was), so her basis for snooping was unfounded and made me think she didn't trust me. If your child thinks you don't trust them, and there's no reason for it, it's going to cause tension.

[Rockpebblestone]

I've also said to my DC to ask if they want to join social media so we can help with the privacy settings. They have not joined any yet though.

[Trifleorbust]

Up to 12/13, I would conduct regular spot checks on FB, WhatsApp etc. After that I would respect their privacy, as I would expect their conversations to include more content that, whilst I may disapprove of it, is still age appropriate - swearing, discussions about sexual issues etc. as they get closer to adulthood. I don't expect to see that and I don't think I need to in order to keep them safe. But at 11 there is no need for him to have a phone at all and he is still vulnerable, so I think it is proportionate to check it.

[Eevee77]

At 11 I would read them, yes. I'd tell him though "for your own safety I will check your messages now and again"
Doing it and lying isn't okay

[user1484317265]

11? You're insane if you don't keep an eye on what he's up to.

I have an app that sends copies of my son's texts to me. Damn straight I read them, if you're not monitoring young kids communications you're doing it wrong.

[Rockpebblestone]

Pluto it is not snooping if the DC is happy to share. Regarding internet history, the person who pays the bill is responsible for what has been accessed. Of course you need to check - some sites are connected with viruses for example.

[multivac]

No snooping here, but our just-turned-12-year-olds know we might ask to see their phones at any time, and we do exactly that. The idea is that they think before they communicate; that they write in the knowledge that it could be seen by me and/or their dad.
We see it as part of helping them learn to navigate more safely in a new and potentially dangerous landscape (but one with great beauty and excitement to discover within...)

[Magzmarsh]

If he has Snapchat, WhatsApp, instagram etc he'll be communicating with them not via text and you'll be none the wiser anyway. Young people are very tech savvy and will always find a way of communicating without their parents finding out what they're saying.

[Magzmarsh]

Sorry op missed your crappy phone update

[MissBeehiving]

I check DS1's (12) phone - mainly Instagram and his browsing history. I do it randomly and just ask him when I remember- probably every 2/3 weeks or so. He understands why I do it and the school PSHE sessions stress that parents need to know who they are communicating with at that age.

[PigletJohn]

OOI, what age were you when your own mum stopped reading your diary?

[ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam]

Exactly, sounds like texting is old news.

[Pluto30]

it is not snooping if the DC is happy to share.

Doesn't sound to me like the OP has intention of telling her son.

[lovelearning]

Since when did spying become socially acceptable?

What a terrible example for a child

Mobile2405

You are being unreasonable

Tell your son that it is your duty to protect him

Ask that he shares everything on his phone with you

[VeritysWatchTower]

Actually the police tell you to monitor your child's messages.

They cite Kayleigh Haywood who exchanged 2643 text messages over 13 days before being murdered. You can watch the video made by Leicester Police here

And she wasn't 11, she was 15.

If I hadn't monitored my own year 7 son's messages I wouldn't have been alerted to a friend reaching out to him (whilst my son was actually asleep) when he threatened suicide. It was terrifying. I know my son would have come to me with it because he knows that is the deal. The phone can be checked on at any time.

He is a child. We are parents. This is not the same as reading a diary.