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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a thank you off bride and groom.

126 replies

dawnmist · 04/01/2017 11:04

I recently went to a friends wedding. Because she was already living with her partner she didn't want wedding presents but asked for money instead so they could have a nice honeymoon. I was perfectly happy to do that, but here's my aibu, shouldn't i have received a thank you letter rather than a general thanking everyone on facebook.

Am i being petty, is a facebook thank you the done thing these days. I'm happy to be told iabu, i just want to know what everyone thinks.

OP posts:
RandyMagnum2 · 04/01/2017 11:05

I don't ever send thank you letters, and would thank people in person at the time, or a general thanking on facebook.

sirfredfredgeorge · 04/01/2017 11:05

If it was recently, you're just being way too eager.

GoneGirl1234 · 04/01/2017 11:07

Have they been on the honeymoon yet? Maybe they are planning to send postcards from their destination as their thank you cards? (I know several couples who have done this)

FishInAWetSuitAndFlippers · 04/01/2017 11:08

I would also rather thank people in person. I know some couples take 3 or 4 months to get around to thank you letters though.

Kirstyinnorway · 04/01/2017 11:08

We waited until we got our photos back from the photographer before making thank you cards with one of the images. We obviously then hand-wrote notes on the back with a personalised thank you (I hate generic computer ones). Guests will have got their thankyou about 6 weeks after the wedding.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 04/01/2017 11:08

I don't know if it's a regional or class thing (I'm working class background) but I find that the whole "thank you letter" thing a bit odd and not something I've ever heard of outside of MN. I've never received one from a wedding and certainly wouldn't expect to, especially if I had already had a thank you in person. The idea of it seems very time consuming and pointless to me and most people are surely too busy to write individual thank you notes to people?

SnugglySnerd · 04/01/2017 11:09

How long ago was the wedding? We got married late autumn and sent out thank you cards with our Xmas cards. Most people I know have left it 6-8 weeks, until after honeymoon or until they can choose one of the professional photos to make into nice cards.

Passmethecrisps · 04/01/2017 11:11

We wrote thank you letters as kids so it can't be a class thing.

For our wedding though it took us months to get through them all. We had photos from the photographer printed and made personalised thank yous so it took quite a long time. In the meantime I had seen most people or been in touch anyway so everyone got a thanks by text, Facebook or face to face.

I would be patient but at the end of the day you have had a thank you even if it wasn't personal

Stillunexpected · 04/01/2017 11:12

Define "recent"? I couldn't attend my god-child's wedding (different country) 2 years ago but sent an expensive gift. They had a baby 3 months ago and I also sent a gift. Just before Christmas I had a Thank You card through for my "generous" gift but as it was a photo of them in the wedding clothes on the front, I'm not sure if they are just catching up on the wedding correspondence, so maybe I can expect a baby photo in about a year's time!

switswoo81 · 04/01/2017 11:14

By the time we got pictures, ordered and made cards, wrote and posted them it was definitely 3 months after wedding.

But I definitely think they are necessary for a wedding.

annlee3817 · 04/01/2017 11:14

From my wedding planning memories I think etiquette states that the bride a groom can send Thank you cards or letters up to two months after the event? I send mine out around 6 weeks after.

annlee3817 · 04/01/2017 11:15

*sent

trinity0097 · 04/01/2017 11:15

I went to three weddings last year, I got thanks for a present from one of them only. Ironically the one where I gave cash towards the honeymoon.

No thanks from the other two, I know that they are good friends/former colleagues, but even a little FB private message would have been nice. Spent about £50 on each of them.

Rather disappointed to be honest, if you can do the whole formal invite thing, you can do the whole formal thank you thing!

Katy07 · 04/01/2017 11:16

Potentially too soon but I'd hope for more than a generic Facebook thank you. That's just lacking manners. It would have been better if they'd written on FB that this was just a quick thank you but they'd be contacting people individually to say a proper thank you in due course....

ClaraLane · 04/01/2017 11:16

We got married in September and have sent the majority of our thank you cards out however there are still around 10/15 still to go out, the majority of which are for my husband's family. I'm hoping people won't mind that they're a bit late when they find out I'm pregnant and therefore shattered!

RunWalkCrawlbutMove · 04/01/2017 11:17

I wrote thank you letters to everyone and included photos from the day in each letter

I think it is rude not to send a thank you but fear we are in the minority.

Passmethecrisps · 04/01/2017 11:17

I agree with katy. We did that as we knew our actual cards were taking ages. I think people appreciated what they got as I see many cards displayed still and it is our 5th anniversary next month.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 04/01/2017 11:18

I know some (many?) people appreciate a thank you in writing. I think a letter is too much for anyone though - how many would they have to write? To want anything other than a card is a bit much.

However in this day and age I think YABU to expect it. Generic thank yous via text or social media is pretty much acceptable to many in this day and age.

Whether that is right or wrong is a matter of opinion.

Getting cross with people and calling them rude for having a different opinion is not likely to have any effect. Not saying you're doing that OP, but that is what will happen on this thread!

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 04/01/2017 11:18

most people are surely too busy to write individual thank you notes to people?

This is right up there with 'life's too short to make gravy." No, people aren't too busy. It takes 5 minutes to write a TY note.

Asking for money then sticking a generic thank you on FB (assuming all their guests are on it too) is tacky as fuck.

SarahOoo · 04/01/2017 11:20

Totally depends on when the wedding was but a thank you card is more common than not (not a class thing at all). I'd say within three months is acceptable but that's just me. We did ours within 6 weeks I think....however I wouldn't write them off yet if the wedding was 'recently' they may want to use their professional pics for the cards and some photographers take bloody ages with these!

EllaHen · 04/01/2017 11:20

I would like to see the practice of thank you cards die out. One less this to get upset about.

JustSpeakSense · 04/01/2017 11:21

Thank you cards after someone has attended your wedding and you receive a wedding gift are standard.

They are sometimes a long time coming though, because hand written cards to that many people take time.

I'd be really shocked if you didn't receive one, that is monumentally rude.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 04/01/2017 11:24

I would like to see the practice of thank you cards die out. One less this to get upset about.

It's also more environmentally friendly not too Grin

Passmethecrisps · 04/01/2017 11:25

It takes about as much time as selecting a gift I reckon.

There is no doubt I get a bit harried at Christmas and dd's birthday as we get a lot of gifts from people we don't know (mil is lovely and terribly popular so we get gifts from her friends) and I find it really hard to keep track.

We are now however masters at logging each and every gift as it is opened and at 4 dd is showing an understanding that gifts received mean a card must be sent.

DownWithThatSort0fThing · 04/01/2017 11:26

I think a text or facebook message is more than enough as presumably they will have verbally said thank you at the present hand over also..

These days it seems crazy to send cards for every thing, we are destroying earths resources just to throw them in the bin, cutting trees down. Plus the financial cost of the nice paper or cards / stamps.

We don't even send xmas cards anymore, it's a general facebook and text message, or a warm hug if in person.