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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a thank you off bride and groom.

126 replies

dawnmist · 04/01/2017 11:04

I recently went to a friends wedding. Because she was already living with her partner she didn't want wedding presents but asked for money instead so they could have a nice honeymoon. I was perfectly happy to do that, but here's my aibu, shouldn't i have received a thank you letter rather than a general thanking everyone on facebook.

Am i being petty, is a facebook thank you the done thing these days. I'm happy to be told iabu, i just want to know what everyone thinks.

OP posts:
rightsofwomen · 04/01/2017 11:48

Wedding in Aug. Thank you (and lovely photo as we weren't at wedding - it was overseas) arrived in early Dec, late Nov. That's fine.

1horatio · 04/01/2017 11:50

Idk.

We got money during the reception (we had a 'money bag').

But all the guest got wedding favours. I originally wanted to bake little cakes as a thank you for attending as well. But I didn't have time and the cakes would have needed to be shipped all over Europe... :0 so, not an option.

One of the reasons why we asked people to give us 'small' presents. We needed to fly back home to London... so, we basically got a lot of jewellery...

tangerino · 04/01/2017 11:55

I have never not received a handwritten thank you letter for a wedding present. Having said that, quite a few have taken some months to arrive.

liquidrevolution · 04/01/2017 11:58

We sent thank you cards.

It was about 6 weeks after the wedding though as we wanted to use a photographers photo on the card and were away on honeymoon for a week.

honeyroar · 04/01/2017 12:01

I sent thank you cards out within a couple of weeks of the wedding, complete with photo and a short letter in each. Yes it took a while, but if you added up the gift vouchers we received it amounted to a couple of thousand pounds, so in my opinion, merited some manners in replying! I'd have felt really rude just doing a Facebook post. I've never been to a wedding where people haven't sent a card either.

dollydaydream114 · 04/01/2017 12:01

(I'm working class background)

So am I - but we always did send thank you letters in my family. My parents made us write them after every Christmas and birthday. Those letters have now been replaced by emails or (personal, not general) Facebook messages, but I would always send a personal thank you for a gift one way or another and I generally receive them from other people, too. It's been ages since I went to a wedding but I definitely got a thank you note for the last wedding present I bought someone.

Personally, I wouldn't use a general 'thanks everyone' on Facebook as a substitute for individual messages/cards/letters to people - apart from anything, it's not like they know everyone will definitely see it - but I don't think I'd actually be offended if someone else did.

I think it's fine if it takes a couple of months for them to get round to it though, as by the time they've had a honeymoon and had a chance to go through everything and sit down and write the notes it's going take a while, obviously.

19lottie82 · 04/01/2017 12:02

Redpony1 have you been been married, received gifts and not sent think you cards? That's pretty rude IMO, especially if people are giving you cash gifts?

For birthday presents ect it's OK, but for wedding gifts, no.

Purplebluebird · 04/01/2017 12:05

I would send thank you letters, but would easily send them a few months after the wedding :P

Rafflesway · 04/01/2017 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/01/2017 12:05

Last wedding we went to was in 2015 and we didn't receive a thank you card. I was very surprised. Yes, you've been invited to a friend's or family wedding. And yes, it often costs them or their parents a lot. However, as an invitee, it often costs a lot in outfits and accommodation. And the present of course, which seems more often than not to be a cash donation to the honeymoon. So it's rather rude not to bother.

MadisonAvenue · 04/01/2017 12:06

We went to a nephew's wedding in September and had a lovely hand written thank you card and photo sent along with the Christmas card.

Went to a neighbour's wedding in June, just the evening reception, and over 6 months later there's been no thank you for the gift we gave. Seeing as the bride couldn't tear herself away from her clique of beautiful people to say anymore than "Oh, hello" on passing though, I can't say that the lack of a thank you has surprised me.

TinselTwins · 04/01/2017 12:06

How recent OP?

Photo thank you cards can sometimes be included in wedding photography packages, and they can take a couple of months by the time the photographer has edited the photos, the couple have chosen their thank you pic, and the photographer gets it all off to and back from the printers. I generally allow up to 6 months for wedding thank yous. I've had thank yous later than that, and that's okay with me, If it gets to a year and I haven't had one though that's very very rude

Rafflesway · 04/01/2017 12:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/01/2017 12:07

Meant to add, I'm one of those mums, who gets dd to write thank you letters for all presents. So hopefully she won't make the same faux pas in later life.

RasperryInAMelon · 04/01/2017 12:08

I'm with you OP, I think its rude - I got married last August and EVERY person who attended our wedding (regardless of whether they gave us a card or a gift) was sent a thank you note.

We also sent them to all of our suppliers too - I think its just rude.

For us, we got married quite far away from where a lot of guests live and when I considered the fact that some had flown from as far as Hong Kong to the UK and travelled from Brighton, London and up North to Wiltshire, we wanted to thank each and every person for coming and sharing our day with us.

We also sent thank you cards to those who couldn't make it, but sent us a card or a gift too.

Scrounged · 04/01/2017 12:14

I think it's nice to send a thank you card but I don't mind if someone doesn't send one if I'm thanked in person or in a generic FB message not that I have FB I wouldn't be insulted or upset not to receive one though. People get busy and some people genuinely don't think it's important. It doesn't mean they are bad people. It's really not a big deal and I wouldn't give it any thought.

Having said that I always encouraged my DC to write thank you cards as kids, now that they are adults they send a text or email to say thanks, usually accompanied with a photo of them holding their present and doing thumbs up signs 👍🏻🎁

BringMeTea · 04/01/2017 12:16

Very rude to not send personal thanks. Seems to be the way things are going though. People are definitely becoming more grabby and less gracious. I tend to avoid such people.

mrsmortis · 04/01/2017 12:17

In our case it depended on which side of the family you were on. I wrote the cards for my family and friends and our joint friends and I expected DH to write them for his family and friends. My letters were all out within a couple of months. Some of DHs only got send with the Christmas cards (it was a spring wedding so this was 8 months later). However, it would never have occurred to me not to write them.

Branleuse · 04/01/2017 12:20

ive always been terrible at thankyou letters, or christmas cards, or sending anything in the post really. It doesnt mean im not grateful

LockedOutOfMN · 04/01/2017 12:21

OP, you're being perfectly reasonable. The bride and groom should have written to you or phoned you to say a personal thanks for your gift.

Redpony1 · 04/01/2017 12:21

19lottie82 Not married no. But I have been to, i think, 10 or so family or friends weddings and purchased presents/gave vouchers/money and never received a thank you card once. Doesn't bother me, i don't give to receive a card i won't keep? What a waste of time & paper!

Until i joined MN, i'd never even heard of it!

Ladyflip · 04/01/2017 12:21

I think it is highly rude not to write and thank somebody for a gift, and if one is doing it, a proper hand written letter is preferred.

I also think it is highly rude to attend a wedding and not write a short note to the hosts (formerly the bride's parents but now usually the couple themselves) thanking them for inviting you to a wonderful day.

How many on this thread have written their thank you notes to their hosts before complaining about not receiving a thank you for the gift? In my experience, it is still quite usual to thank somebody for a gift, but becoming very rare to be thanked for being a host.

Stillunexpected · 04/01/2017 12:23

So if a FB thank you is sufficient, does that mean that people who don't have FB don't merit any thank you at all?

19lottie82 · 04/01/2017 12:24

Redpony I am totally shocked at that! (The 10 weddings, and never heard of sending a TY card)

As others have pointed out, it's not even just the gift, it's the fact that people have taken the time to travel to and attend your wedding.

Busy77 · 04/01/2017 12:26

If someone can take the trouble to buy a present, wrap it up and send it why is it too much trouble for the recipient to spend 5 minutes writing a card/letter to show their thanks. It's basic manners. I imagine the kind of people that are "too busy" to do so are the people that also can't be bothered to rsvp to parties but show up anyway.

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