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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a thank you off bride and groom.

126 replies

dawnmist · 04/01/2017 11:04

I recently went to a friends wedding. Because she was already living with her partner she didn't want wedding presents but asked for money instead so they could have a nice honeymoon. I was perfectly happy to do that, but here's my aibu, shouldn't i have received a thank you letter rather than a general thanking everyone on facebook.

Am i being petty, is a facebook thank you the done thing these days. I'm happy to be told iabu, i just want to know what everyone thinks.

OP posts:
RaeSkywalker · 04/01/2017 14:25

I just wrote ours when we got back from honeymoon, 2 weeks after the wedding. As other posters have said, lots of my friends don't send them for months though because of waiting for photos.

I haven't received thank you cards from 2 weddings I attended years ago. If I'm honest, I was surprised in both instances.

1horatio · 04/01/2017 14:37

We didn't send a thank you for the money card but a 'thank you for attending the wedding and help making us besutiful memories card'.

Seeing as baking a thank you wasn't an option.

Some guests put the cash gift in the bag with a card, some just put cash in there. If they gave us an additional wedding gift that was mentioned on the card (as in: and thank you for the beautiful earrings).
And we obviously also thanked them in person.

And the guests got a wedding favour.

However, I personally would be ok with being thanked in person and a facebook update or something. Plus, there's the wedding favour. That could be seen as a thank you, right?

rightsofwomen · 04/01/2017 14:40

overcooked I love the photo of my cousin's wedding. I couldn't be there.
It will go in my treasure box (a box file where I put odd photos, hand made cards, school performance programmes, running medals etc) to look through now and again.

LouBlue1507 · 04/01/2017 14:44

Why does it have to be a physical card or letter?

Nothing wrong with a message or phone call.

19lottie82 · 04/01/2017 14:44

MrsGlitter, I agree with Nora........ people made the effort to come to your wedding and gave you generous cash gifts. Not sending out a thank you card is just rude. You might not think it necessary but a lot of others consider it basic manners and I'm 100% confident that a lot of your guests will definitely view you in a different light!

Original poster
dawnmist · 04/01/2017 14:45

Should have said by recent, the wedding was in early November.

OP posts:
Mrsglitterfairy · 04/01/2017 14:48

Nora and lottie I know what you're saying but is it not a bit late now? I have given some out and thanked pretty much everyone over the phone or in person, do you think they need a card also?

KatharinaRosalie · 04/01/2017 14:49

Waste of time - and I can't believe someone would cut people off because they didn't receive a note! How precious. If they said thanks somehow (in person, my text/email etc) that would be enough for me and personally I would not complain that the thanks was not in the form of my liking.

19lottie82 · 04/01/2017 14:51

Katharina Why is it a waste of time? It's basic manners. And I don't think anyone has spoken about "cutting anyone off", just that they would think differently of someone if they attended their wedding and gave a gift not to receive a thank you card.

If I attended a wedding and gave someone £100 cash I would definitely think different of them if they through sending a thank you card was a "waste of time".

NotCitrus · 04/01/2017 14:57

Talk to them.
We meant to send thank yous, but I was pretty ill at the wedding and on honeymoon (main concern was standing up for the ceremony) and after, and can't hold a pen to write more than a signature, and MrNC is severely dyslexic to the extent that he can't write an address in under half an hour.

A couple elderly relatives who weren't online got thank you cards; no-one else did. Everyone who takes a moment to think about it is understanding; the people who think less of us are just something we have to put up with (and before people say 'oh but these couples don't have any disabilities', that's exactly what our parents and families would say about us!). Feel bad every time I see one of these threads though. :(

Original poster
dawnmist · 04/01/2017 14:59

i suppose a private message on facebook would be ok too. I hadn't really given it much thought but it was a casual remark from my sister, she was surprised i hadn't had one and thought it was a big rude. I know social media is a new form of communication but i think i would have been happier to get a personal thank you on it. But from what some of you say it's only early days yet.

OP posts:
RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 04/01/2017 15:03

So, a wedding in early November, followed by honeymoon, followed by all the Xmas stuff. If they are waiting for a photo, that may take longer as the photographer might be away over Xmas.

I wouldn't write off thank you cards just yet.

Personally, I thank people all the time for stuff, but I rarely send cards now. I thank people in person, or by a personal message/email.

DailyFail1 · 04/01/2017 15:04

Depends. In my culture it's not common to say thanks but we do keep a log of who's given what/how much & then give a commesurate gift as soon as their next event arises (be it wedding/birthday whatever). I have been told it's weird by friends who don't understand

VanillaSugar · 04/01/2017 15:12

My DB got married 6 years ago and emailed everyone a long list of his wedding presents. I gave them a Tasting Dinner (£100 per head) and I'm still waiting for an acknowledgement, let alone a Thank You - verbal or otherwise - for it. Two years ago I gave his son a long sleeved T Shirt for Christmas and he then managed to find time to email me a rant about how strange it was to send a child a present they couldn't play with NOW!!!!!!Angry Angry You could hear him stamping his foot over the internet.

We've been NC ever since.

KatharinaRosalie · 04/01/2017 15:38

19lottie - see on previous page, "I know my mother cut off a very close family friends son because he didn't sent thank you card after his wedding."

Saying thank you - yes, basic manners. Taking offense that the thank you was not hand-written and personalised and on a monogrammed paper with photos, arriving exactly x days after the ceremony is precious.

Scrounged · 04/01/2017 15:53

I'm fairly relaxed about receiving thank you cards but I'm a bit Hmm Confused about people who intend to send cards and then don't bother for ages. Either send them or don't bother. I know it takes a while to write them out but it's something that you can both do in front the TV or something.

SarcasmMode · 04/01/2017 16:24

I wouldn't send a thank you letter and didn't, as knew only about 1/4th of the guests addresses.

What we did do was sent a direct text thanking that specific person for that specific gift. Or a FB PM if wasn't available for text. For example:

Thanks Alex and Rosie - really appreciated your card and the lovely flute set/cash donation/gift voucher - it will be put to great use. Thank you again for coming we loved having you there love Sarcasm and MrSarcasm

But not sending anything individually would not occur to me but I'd not worry if someone else didn't IYSWIM?

I hope you had a lovely wedding. Honeymoon anywhere nice?

SarcasmMode · 04/01/2017 16:25

they even.
I'm getting confused now.

I meant are they going anywhere nice?

spooniestudent · 04/01/2017 16:25

If the wedding was in November then I would write off getting a thank you card yet, they may have realised that there was no way they would all be sent before Christmas, esp if they went away straight after, so posted something generic in the meantime.
I've never sent thank you notes for birthday/ Christmas, just done it either in person or over the phone, but I think that it's basic manners for a wedding.

girlelephant · 05/01/2017 16:04

t our wedding and others I've been to there has been posted thank you cards. All have included pictures from photographer and some the photographer and a honeymoon picture so cards can take a few months

WipsGlitter · 05/01/2017 18:23

I am currently doing mine. Trying to do at least three a day to get through them.

AmberStClare · 05/01/2017 18:42

Several years ago I was invited to a work mates wedding and wrote and thanked her Mum after the day for inviting me. I am told I was the only one who did so and her Mum was very impressed. Good manners never go amiss I think. I would notice definately if a proper thank you for a present was not received and be thrilled with a nice pic from the wedding but I am very old fashioned like that.

Weatherforecaster · 05/01/2017 19:08

It was 6 months before I got one from one of my friends.

19lottie82 · 05/01/2017 19:17

sarcasm how did you send out the invites if you only had 1/4 of the guests addresses?

1horatio · 05/01/2017 19:34

We didn't thank people for their financial contributions, I mean, I hugged/kissed thanked them when they gave them during the reception.

But I didn't remember who gave how much. So, generic thank you letter with a special mention of additional wedding gifts. (Which most adult attendants did give, admittedly)

I don't think anybody was offended.