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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect a thank you off bride and groom.

126 replies

dawnmist · 04/01/2017 11:04

I recently went to a friends wedding. Because she was already living with her partner she didn't want wedding presents but asked for money instead so they could have a nice honeymoon. I was perfectly happy to do that, but here's my aibu, shouldn't i have received a thank you letter rather than a general thanking everyone on facebook.

Am i being petty, is a facebook thank you the done thing these days. I'm happy to be told iabu, i just want to know what everyone thinks.

OP posts:

LaurieMarlow · 04/01/2017 11:26

How recent was the wedding?

From an etiquette PoV they have 3 months to get them out. Be patient, handwritten notes take time.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 04/01/2017 11:27

MrsDesiree Yes it takes 5 minutes to write one but what if you had 80 guests? That's over 6 hours. I'd be happy enough with a text or a Facebook message, surely the whole point of a thank you message was because traditionally it was the only was to contact everyone but that's not the case anymore. When I go to a wedding and give a gift / money I'm sure it's not even close to how much the bride and groom have spent on me for the wedding so I genuinely wouldn't expect people to go out of their way but fully accept that other people feel.differently. but as PP said that is just a difference of opinion / upbringing and not necessarily a sign of being rude or ungrateful.

Ineverpromisedyouarosegarden · 04/01/2017 11:27

It's over twenty years since I got married so thankfully pre Facebook etc but the etiquette as I understood it at that time was: Guests who were present were thanked personally.
Guests who were unable to attend but had sent a present were sent a thank you letter. A personalised one with a photo or two.

DodoRevival · 04/01/2017 11:30

Does seem to be dying off sending thank yous (don't think it's a class thing), it seems to be nothing, or an general thank you card with a wedding picture and a printed message and printed names.

QueenofallIsee · 04/01/2017 11:30

I always thought that the Bride and Groom have up to 12mths to send a thank you? Etiquette wise I mean.

Most recent wedding that I attended sent out tiny little pictures of the B&G in a book format with the note. I have generally recieved a thank you and think it is bad form not to send anything but they might do yet

DontTouchTheMoustache · 04/01/2017 11:31

I also never heard of sending thank you cards at Christmas/birthday's growing up but suspect that was because I don't have any extended family so all gift givers were in the same room at all occasions. Perhaps this is why the thank you card idea seems a bit strange to me?

theclick · 04/01/2017 11:34

It takes a while to send thank you letters once you've cleared everything else up. We took a few months as did all my friends.

FineKnacksForLadies · 04/01/2017 11:36

Depends on how long ago it was - We had TY cards printed with wedding photos, which took 6 weeks to come back from photographer and another 2 to print and arrive, then we had over 150 thank you cards to write - so some didn't get posted for a good 3/4months after the wedding. We went to a wedding last January and got a (proper, hand written) thank you letter for our gift from the couple tucked into a christmas card from them a few weeks ago! I'd give it a few months yet before giving up on the idea!

19lottie82 · 04/01/2017 11:36

How long ago is "recently"? Some couples don't get round to sending out thank you cards for a while after the wedding, especially if they're going on honeymoon straight after, then back to work ect ect. If it's hit the 6 months mark then YANBU.

1horatio · 04/01/2017 11:37

I would thank you in person. Did she thank you in person?

If she did then that's technically enough imo.

Oblomov16 · 04/01/2017 11:37

Dh and I gave £100 in a card, last summer. No thank you as yet. Assume one is going to be sent.

ZouBisou · 04/01/2017 11:38

I wouldn't care that much really, but I have had thank you cards for the last few weddings I've been to / given gifts for.

DappledThings · 04/01/2017 11:38

We sent thank you cards within about 5 weeks. Didn't take that long to write them and I couldn't imagine it doing so. Always had to write proper letters growing up to anyone who wasn't in the room when presents were opened. Didn't love doing it but I still think now I was the right thing to do

19lottie82 · 04/01/2017 11:39

Some posters on here seem to think not sending thank you cards is fine but that's not really the case for wedding gifts, as the couple don't open the gifts at the time, and they are usually spread very thinly throughout the day.

Not sending a thank you card for a wedding present is very rude IMO, unless of course it's a close relative or friend that you have had ample time to thank in person, but even still, it's the done thing to send thank you cards after a wedding. (and I don't usually send thank you cards for other gifts, a text or phone call will do).

Ginkypig · 04/01/2017 11:40

We also gave money for the honeymoon op.
We got a thankyou card about 4 or 5 months after the wedding. They had used the wedding photos to have cards printed so I think it's just how long it took to get it all ready then to write them and post them.

To be honest though I hadn't expected anything so it was a nice surprise.

ArchiesMamaBird · 04/01/2017 11:41

We asked for money towards our honeymoon when we got married last June, and we sent thank you cards to everybody. However, it did take a few months, because we had to wait for our wedding photos to be sent through, and I then ordered some personalised cards from Photobox using our photos.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 04/01/2017 11:41

From recent experience, I would expect to wait at least 6 months before getting a thank you - but at least it was a nice note in the post, thanking us for the cash.

Goingtobeawesome · 04/01/2017 11:41

In this day and age? What's so different about 2017 that makes manners less important?

We sent everyone a thank you for our wedding gifts, baby gifts, Christmas gifts. If someone is kind enough to give a gift the least you can do is send a thank you note.

DodoRevival · 04/01/2017 11:41

Btw I find it irritating to get a generic thank you cards - especially if there's no handwritting at all and evidently the cards were all just bought stuck in envelopes and addressed.

If I'm completely frank it irritates me because when I got married (12 zillion years ago) I did go to the effort of 8 hours of letter writing (it was painful) and quite frankly I'm bitter that these cards were available and the burdening expectation weren't there back then. If it had been the norm then, I'd be totally fine with it 😀. Possibly this is why you have beef with it OP?

Ginkypig · 04/01/2017 11:42

Oh and they mentioned their honeymoon so they must have deliberately waited until after that too so they could link everything.

Aki23 · 04/01/2017 11:43

I like receiving thank you cards but a thank you in general would be nice. Im still waiting on two cousins - one of whom is now getting divorced.

Jaxhog · 04/01/2017 11:45

I would expect one. It's only polite to thank people for gifts (even money ones), and not wait 3 months! After all, the gifters gave the gift in a timely fashion.

C8H10N4O2 · 04/01/2017 11:45

Its basic manners to thank people personally for a gift and wedding gifts plus the cost of attending are often non trivial. I would allow a couple of months or so if they are sending letters/mails to everyone.

I'm not that picky about method - letter/email is nice but thanks in person is also fine. Generic thank-yous on social media are unlikely to be seen by all gift givers (FB especially is bad for doctoring feeds).

I was brought up with the view that if you have time to enjoy and use the gift you have time to thank the giver. I taught my kids the same.

JanuaryMoods · 04/01/2017 11:45

Of course people should send thank you cards for wedding gifts. Height of bad manners not to.

Given what couples expect by way of presents or cash donations it's the least they can do.

Redpony1 · 04/01/2017 11:46

I would never expect one. I have never received one & never sent one.

A generic group text or FB status is enough for me :)

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