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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is this really living?

108 replies

QueenyLaverne · 31/12/2016 23:39

Im in my early thirties and moved back home with my parents 18 months ago due to financial hardship. Basically i got myself in a big mess and the only way to sort it out was to move home.
Since then my relationship has broken down, we were living together for a few years.
But i am an adult. I am so sick of living to everyone elses rules. I know people will say well, buck up, move out on your own, but its the furthest thing from possibility right now.
My elderly parents do a wonderful job with me, they help me, lend me money when i need it but im sick to DEATH of not feeling free.
Free to make my own decisions, to slob around in my pj's all day if i want to, to not go to work without explaining myself if im sick, to watch what i'd like on the TV for once.
I sound extremely ungrateful which to be honest, i am and i feel like the worst human being in the world, but im not being ME.
Im generally nice, grateful, kind but living in this way just brings out the worst in me, well not me, its someone i dont recognise and someone who i dont like very much.
I just want a rant and a cry and to declare to the world that im old enough to be ME but im not free to do so. Its driving me crazy. I feel like half a human being and a really crappy version at that....:(
The work i do just doesnt command very much money. Due to health implications im not up to much job wise and have to pick jobs carefully so i know ill be capable. It bloody sucks with a capital S.
I feel that now im single im even further away from ever being my own person again with a life to call my own.....

OP posts:

CrazyGreyhoundLady · 31/12/2016 23:49

Lives unbearable sometimes but there's almost always something round the corner that you can't see coming to brighten it.

You sound really down, it might be worth speaking to a doctor and seeing if some talking therapy might help?

Sending and wishing you a better year in 2017, hope things improve for you

CrazyGreyhoundLady · 31/12/2016 23:50

Life's**

cherrycrumblecustard · 31/12/2016 23:50

You're not ungrateful. But do you have a plan of action? To get out?

BadLad · 31/12/2016 23:54

Free to make my own decisions, to slob around in my pj's all day if i want to, to not go to work without explaining myself if im sick, to watch what i'd like on the TV for once.

You absolutely need your own living room, as well as a bedroom, for this kind of arrangement to work.

Phoenix76 · 31/12/2016 23:54

When I was early 30's I ended up on my parents doorstep (very strict rules and still thought I was 12!) due to long term relationship breakdown. I'd lost my beautiful home and furniture. I was, as you are deep down, extremely grateful but I was made to feel like a child again. Job wasn't that great either and felt I'd failed at life, no future. Fast forward 10 years, new dp, beautiful new home, 2 beautiful dd's. Hang in there, dream big and take one step at a time. Maybe, 2017 will be the year of new beginnings for you.

Fartleks · 31/12/2016 23:54

Yes you need a plan. Even if it's a couple of years away

WiltingTulip · 01/01/2017 00:11

I suggest you make it your duty to go out socially at least once a week. Even if it's just watching tv with a pizza at a friend's house or a book club etc. it'll create a better energy in your life and develop more focus away from your situation.

I used to make myself even if I didn't want to.

LockedOutOfMN · 01/01/2017 00:21

Agree with WiltingTulip, maybe do a class at your local gym or join parkrun (if your health permits) or a book group at the library.

NoMudNoLotus · 01/01/2017 00:28

You've said what you can't do ...

What can you do to help yourself feel better?

38cody · 01/01/2017 00:38

Have you considered a flat share? Still sharing but at least not with your parents and living by your own rules.

Crumbs1 · 01/01/2017 00:38

Start saving for deposit on a rented flat and move out. No use moaning if you continue to use your parents kindness.

Brewdolf · 01/01/2017 00:41

I was about to post very similar to phoenix I still miss some of that furniture

There are always options like nowtv/netflix/etc and hiding in your bedroom. I know that's teenage sounding but you sound like trying to act adult is doing your head in, and tbh I bet its grating a bit on them too.

The not being able to work much thing sucks for your options. Have you been down to CAB to see if they can point you in direction of help?

throwingpebbles · 01/01/2017 00:47

Could you sort out a cheap tv/tablet for your bedroom? Not even having that freedom must be infuriating.

Also- is your health condition one that will/may improve? I had a few bleak years in my twenties struggling with health, but now have improved enough to juggle 4 days at work plus children. I do have to rest more than most still, but I never thought I would manage to work that many hours again. Keep focussed on what you can do. Are there extra ways you could earn money from home, for instance?

It was a sensible, mature decision to move home if finances were over stretched.

user1480946351 · 01/01/2017 01:04

I think you need to find some positivity, like the fact that your parents are not only still alive, but willing and able to have you living back home to help you in your troubles. Do you know how many people would kill for those things?

You're not at all the worst person, but yes you are ungrateful. And its hard to feel grateful when you are stuck somewhere you are not happy. But you could be much unhappier if you didn't have that safety net. You don't feel like you? Well make a new you, take a hold of yourself and your life and make it work. You're the only who can do that, so do it.

dailymaillazyjournos · 01/01/2017 01:25

This was me 10 years ago aged 45 after I left abusive ex whose massive debts (Loand taken out without my knowledge) left us homeless. I stayed with my elderly DF for 2 years while I waited for a HA flat. While I was grateful for a roof over my head, I acutely felt that lack of privacy (at a time that I needed it so much to try get over the huge shocks I'd had) and being accountable for everything I did or didn't do. The stress was horrendous as I tried to look after him, protect him from the worst of the messes my ex had caused for me and never being able to show I was physically and mentally exhausted and wrecked. It was one of the worst and hardest times in my life. So I can totally empathise with your situation. It's like torment :( As others have said is there anything in the pipeline regarding somewhere to call your own? Are you able to apply for a council or HA place? Could you rent in a shared house? I knew that eventually I'd be housed but I wasn't a priority so had no idea how long it might take. But that thought kept me going. Just try focus hard on knowing this isn't forever. Do whatever you can to try keep yourself calm and tell yourself that this change in circumstances doesn't define you. You are more than your story. You aren't failing at being you. You are just you in a very hard and stressful environment and coping as best you can. You are not the worst person. You are just going through a shit time and have no freedom or privacy which is bloody hard to accept. You can be grateful that you have family to take you in in a time of need, but that doesn't make it easy to accept or to handle. Keep going one day at a time. You can get through this. I thought I was going to go mad I really did. I didn't though and came through it stronger and very appreciative of my flat, even though it's crumbling around me (literally in some places). and here's hoping 2017 is the year you get to see some light at the end of the tunnel.

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2017 01:25

QueenyLaverne I am sorry life is tough at the moment.

I totally agree with user1480946351you need to find some positiveity in your life, a plan for the future and move towards it step by step.

This is what happened to me. I came back from living abroad in my thirties. I had plenty of money (well a bit) but I was quite nervous about living on my own, so I moved back in with ma and pa. Yes, I did feel a bit like I had gone back in time and was young again!

I never realised how much they did for me! Meals, laundry, lifts!

I knew that I really wanted to get married and have kids! I had a not too bad job, not well paid, but OK. I was in my thirties and I just wanted to get married and have kids. I joined some dating things, really the serious kind where you are hoping/looking for a life partner, and I met dh. We dated for ages, and then got married. He already had a house and I moved in. We had kids (took ages, fertility issues, and we had a birth dd and adopted). I also got a better job, followed by another better job, etc, until I now do a job I really quite like (much more stable than the job I had when I first came back).

From the time I moved in with my parents it took quite a long time to get everything sorted but I always did feel I was moving towards my goals.

I totally realise that not everyone had the same goal! You may want to make getting healthier, getting your own place, furthering your career, whatever. Just make sure you are moving towards that goal.

If you are actually clinically depressed, then do see you GP for advice.

Good luck, please, please do realise things could be so much worse, so many people live in homes (or with people) who are not safe, or spend their lives looking after sick parents or very difficult children and perhaps have no support etc.

TinselTwins · 01/01/2017 01:25

it's difficult when someone is giving you so much on paper with one hand, but making you pay in other ways on the other hand

I've stopped taking any financial help at all from my parents, to be honest in a way them jumping in and offering whenever things got tough got my into a cycle of thinking I couldn't get myself out of tight spots, and since I decided that their "help" actualy cost me too much (in terms of my self esteem, but also in the way that they expected me to be beholden/accountable to them in every way if they had helped me out financially), I've found out that I'm not as lost without their help as I thought I would be.

WyfOfBathe · 01/01/2017 01:28

Like other people have said, is there any way of getting TV in your room - either a cheap (second hand?) freeview set or a tablet/laptop? It would just give you that tiny bit of freedom.

Do you think your parents would agree to you getting a lock for your bedroom door, so that you could "hide" more easily in your own space, especially when you're ill?

Is your room big enough to add anything to it, e.g. a mini fridge and microwave so that you can make your own meals/snacks, or a beanbag/chair to create a seating area? You can find some second hand on ebay or freecycle if finances would be an issue. That way it's a bit more like having your own flat rather than just a room.

Like someone else said, try to get out of the house and do something sociable whenever you can. Or even just go somewhere on your own, e.g. take a picnic to a park or go to a library to read or work. That way you get some space for yourself, away from your parents.

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2017 01:31

PS forgot to say that as I had anxiety, I saw my GP and got referred and had CBT, which worked amazingly.

I had never really put two and two together until this moment (light bulb moment!) that it was the anxiety which meant I was never really able to strike out on my own!

I was having counselling while seeing dh, (at the time, dear boyfriend) and I am amazed he put up with my anxiety, but he did, and the CBT worked brilliantly.

Getting the anxiety sorted was, I realise now, all part of that journey. And my lovely parents (who are now no longer with us, that was almost 20 years ago) were my rock, but also quite annoying at times!

user1480946351 · 01/01/2017 01:31

it's difficult when someone is giving you so much on paper with one hand, but making you pay in other ways on the other hand

I don't see anything in the OP that suggests her parents are taking anything, and I think thats damn rude to suggest.

user1480946351 · 01/01/2017 01:32

*that her parents are making her pay, that is.

TinselTwins · 01/01/2017 01:35

I didn't say they were "taking" anything, but the OP is "paying" in terms of her loss of autonomy, e.g. not being "allowed" to make her own adult decisions such as when to call in sick etc

user1480946351 · 01/01/2017 01:41

That's her choice to make, and she never said she couldn't make those decisions. You're projecting your own issues here, clearly.

TinselTwins · 01/01/2017 01:43

Oh right, so the OP isn't at all struggling with being her own person under her parent's roof, she just posted for sh*ts & giggles then?

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2017 01:48

It may be the OP's 'issues' are not the same as tinsel experienced but I think it is clear from the opening post that living at home has its limitations.

I think the OP can take the best of the posts here to try and make life as comfortable as she can (while back at her parent's home) but also to look to the future.

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