is this really living?

[QueenyLaverne]

Im in my early thirties and moved back home with my parents 18 months ago due to financial hardship. Basically i got myself in a big mess and the only way to sort it out was to move home.
Since then my relationship has broken down, we were living together for a few years.
But i am an adult. I am so sick of living to everyone elses rules. I know people will say well, buck up, move out on your own, but its the furthest thing from possibility right now.
My elderly parents do a wonderful job with me, they help me, lend me money when i need it but im sick to DEATH of not feeling free.
Free to make my own decisions, to slob around in my pj's all day if i want to, to not go to work without explaining myself if im sick, to watch what i'd like on the TV for once.
I sound extremely ungrateful which to be honest, i am and i feel like the worst human being in the world, but im not being ME.
Im generally nice, grateful, kind but living in this way just brings out the worst in me, well not me, its someone i dont recognise and someone who i dont like very much.
I just want a rant and a cry and to declare to the world that im old enough to be ME but im not free to do so. Its driving me crazy. I feel like half a human being and a really crappy version at that....:(
The work i do just doesnt command very much money. Due to health implications im not up to much job wise and have to pick jobs carefully so i know ill be capable. It bloody sucks with a capital S.
I feel that now im single im even further away from ever being my own person again with a life to call my own.....

I'm sorry OP but I do think you that sound a little ungrateful! I know you must be feeling down and miserable, but I didn't see anything in your post that suggested that you appreciated all the help you were receiving.

Think of it another way. You ARE an adult. Which means you really should be paying for own place, with your own job, and creating your own life. But instead of having nowhere to go when things got tough, you actually have loving parents.

I'm not saying it's easy. I had to move back in as a single parent to my mums house for a year. Of course I had to mind and bend to their rules - because that IS what being an adult is. Not being able 'lounge in your PJs' - but accept your situation, make the best of it, appreciate those who are good and getting on with it.

I agree that you need a plan to get out of there. Presumably you're paying off your debts at a rate of x amount per month - so with that being the case how long do you realistically think it will be before you can get back to being an independent adult?

TBH I think I'd move hell or high water to speed that process up if I was feeling as fed up as you clearly (and understandably), are. I expect your DPs are feeling frustrated too, so it is in everyone's interest for you to get out and have your own place again. I cannot, for the life of me, imagine how stifling it would be to have gone back and lived with my DPs in my 30s - eek! My DM and I can spend about 48 hours with each other before we start to drive each other crazy

I would save for a flight and go travelling, just so that you can be free and find your direction. Would it be easier to just declare yourself bankrupt and start again? Would it be feasible to work your way while travelling ie doing bar work/waitressing? From your post you sound like you've had a helluva time and you feel trapped, stagnant and limited. By going your own way, throwing caution to the wind and essentially throwing the die, you might end up with at worst a break and at best a direction. Hope you find what you're looking for

YANBU at all. You recognise that your parents are being nice and are happy to have you stay. You're not ungrateful of this fact, you just want freedom and not to be relying on them. There's nothing wrong with that, it shows that you are "normal" and have some ambition.

In the short term there may not be much you can do about moving out - this needs to be your long term goal, but if your finances don't allow it then there is no point beating yourself up over it. Just save what you can.

You need some help in coping with your situation. Speak to your doctor. Living at home when it is not a choice curtails your freedom and it does not have a good effect on your mental health. Perhaps you're depressed, perhaps you've got low self-esteem. These are medical conditions which can be addressed with therapy. I think cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) would probably help you a lot right now. Talking over your situation with a therapist would enable you and her to think about whether there are ways to help you rationalise and cope with your circumstances.

If you cannot change your situation, the only option is to try to change your mindset to enable you to deal with it better.

You don't sound ungrateful or spoilt or anything else. You just sound like you are at a low ebb, are not happy with how things currently are and don't know how you can change them. CBT may help with this.

Try to stay positive.

I think Rockingaround comes up with a great idea there

Yanbu

Whilst it is lovely and in sure your are grateful that your parents have used you and can help you financially, it's very difficult to be an adult child at home and having to live by someone else's rules.

What is the suicidal housing situation where you are? Obviously in a lot of the country only priority need are being hired at the moment but there are still some places with accessable housing lists, which would be useful to you if it's an option?

OP
just two suggestions

1. Get debt advice if you haven't already. There may be options you have not considered. They could also help you decide whether the payments you are offering are correct. You don't have to take that advice, you could pay more than they suggest to clear the debt more quickly. Paying slower might mean that you have enough money to move out.
2. Check whether there are any benefits you may be entitled to. That could be due to disability or being on a low income. That might help cover rent/council tax so you could consider moving out.

The citizens advice website has a lot of information on benefits and you can look up your local office
citizensadvice.org.uk

Regarding disability have a look at PIP -
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/sick-or-disabled-people-and-carers/pip/

for help with living that could be a benefit called universal credit and separate help with council tax. Alternatively it could be housing benefit and tax credits. (Universal credit is replacing a number of benefits but only slowly so depends where you live.)

Thanks wonderful life - great name! Very apt for this thread. Even volunteering in an elephant sanctuary or something that takes the focus away from ones-self, could be really nurturing for the OP, we've all only got our time once

OP thank you. We have our DD back home with us - due to circumstances. I am probably guilty of stepping back into the mother role... it's hard not to. I just think she's had such a bad time and is working so hard I can help that burden by doing her washing, cooking and cleaning etc. I hadn't appreciated - although she's said it does, that that can be quite stifling for someone used to their own home and independence. I have few suggestions for you other than make plans to go forward don't look back, and echo many of the suggestions you have already have. Also - please understand your Mum is only doing what she thinks she can to help, perhaps explain firmly but gently - your not her little girl come home... your passing through and need to live your own life all be it temporarily under their roof. It takes some doing I'm going to have to bite my tongue and let her make her mistakes her way ... but see now I have to let her get on with it all herself.... thankfully I have the younger ones to mother for the moment!!

I could have gone bankrupt but i decided that I'd spent the money and ultimately should pay it back
I think bankruptcy would have been a better solution, it would have saved your parents from having to rescue you.
You had other options and you chose this one, it might be uncomfortable, but it's probably just as bad for your parents

Your parents sound great.

Queeny, certain aspects of your post have really resonated with me. I too am living in my early thirties with my parents. Could I maybe PM you or you could PM me?

Hey Queeny, I've just come out from a similar thing & finally getting things back on track......hang in there & get an action plan.....it helped me no-end.
You've got to find some positive, fun & interesting aspects in your life.....it's all in there somewhere 😉
If you're not happy in the house, find something to get you out more often.....you can come out with me & I'm single 👍

What's PM?

I'd perhaps look at a house share before you completely clear your debts. It might take you a bit longer to clear them but you may enjoy life a bit more.

Are there any agencies that match people who need someone to stay overnight with them, with people who need somewhere to live? I've heard of this and think that's a good idea. No caring duties or anything like that, just a presence in case of emergencies. That might be an interim measure.

perhaps look at a house share I think that sounds like a much better option!

instead of sharing a house with parents who dont want to be in a house share situation, share with some people who are all in the same boat

OP, I sympathise with you. I moved into my DM's 1 bed flat after divorce and had to share her double bed with her. I paid £300 a month rent and half the food. It really felt like rock bottom at age 32 and I was too embarrassed to tell anyone my living situation during that time. Thankfully I was able to move after 3 months. 18 months is a long time.

It's more posts to read. Thanks to all.
Loads of good ideas and things I hadn't thought of.
I just want to clarify that I'm not a layabout who wants to sit in my pj's all day or that I'm off sick a lot, just that if I have /need to do either it's very awkward!
Regarding buying a top for a rare night out and my folks complaining, the poster who said they were effectively paying for it, if it was a short term living situation I'd agree - sort debt first and then live life. But are you REALLY suggesting every other part of my life goes on hold long term until I'm sorted?? I'd end up even more batshit crazy than I already am.
As said in my original post. Yes, i do feel I'm ungrateful, I know this and it doesn't excuse it but would like to be able to have a free whinge and whine about it now and then, I can't in RL so that just leaves here! Lol

OP - you are allowed to rant here, that's exactly what anonymous forums are for. I think you should be immensely proud of halving your debt, that cannot have been easy. Ditto working 7 days a week, that is a very hard way to earn a living.

We all need downtime, particularly if you have a health problem. What job do you do OP and do you have options available to you to change roles?

'Lots' more posts to read! Soz

You are going to have to tow your parents line whilst living under your parents roof and expect them to want explainations here and there. Just think it won't be forever, most if us feel a bit hopeless/sad/why me at times, do you have any friends that you could stay with for a day or two for a bit of a break from your parents? Would your health permit you to do park run or something similar? That would get you up and out of the house, hopefully make you feel a bit better and it's free and sociable and there are always a few quite slow people (me included!) , so you don't need to be particularly fit! I read that happiness comes from having at least 2 out of 3 of the following 1) someone to love 2) something to do and 3 ) something to look forward to. I note number 1 is not being met at the moment (sorry about that, we've nearly all been there it's shit, but it's something subject to change), but your could hopefully find something to keep you busy and something to plan, even if it's only small things, baby steps and all that! Good luck I hope you are feeling better soon xx

not being "allowed" to make her own adult decisions such as when to call in sick etc

She is 'allowed' to decide when to call in sick; she just said she doesn't want to have to tell her parents when it happens.

It doesn't sound like a case of the parents actually being actively interfering, just a case of the OP feeling awkward, which is understandable. As the OP says, she isn't ungrateful to her parents and they have been really nice to her about the situation, but nobody really feels at ease living in someone else's house, do they? Even when it's family. I don't see any 'taking' being done by the parents here, just a natural awkwardness felt by the OP, which I think would be normal for anyone living with their parents in their 30s if they'd previously lived independently.

Maybe apply now for summer jobs in Europe? You can pay off your debts while sunning yourself somewhere lovely. Even for 6 months to get some freedom.

I had very little money when I went travelling. I worked as a chalet maid, barmaid, au pair, cleaner on a yacht, hotel waitress, receptionist, you name it but it was the best (skintest) time ever and it lead on to many wonderful things. Even though I had hardly any money it was the best decision I ever made.

every time I buy something I need or perhaps a top to have a rare night out my Dad inevitably brings up the 'why are you spending money, you know your only here to get out of debt. Why do you need a top/evening out etc?'
It's truly stifling.

I do know this is annoying, as although I've never lived with my parents as an adult my mum went through an incredibly annoying phase of saying 'Oh, yet another new top/pair of shoes/bag/book?' every time I saw her and once when I mentioned I'd got a small pay rise she said 'Well, I expect you'll just spend it all on clothes'... I'm actually not even that interested in clothes.

However, I can also see it from your parents point of view. My parents are currently housing both my brother AND his adult son, both of whom work and neither of whom pay a penny of rent, which my mum justifies on the grounds that 'they don't earn much' and I've got to admit that it does irk me when I see them both spending money on what seem to be me to be luxuries - I'm probably being unreasonable and it's probably stuff that isn't really luxuries at all, just as you don't think a top or a night out is a luxury, but I'm sure it can seem that way to your dad who knows how in debt you are.

Totally agree with dragongirl!