is this really living?

[QueenyLaverne]

Im in my early thirties and moved back home with my parents 18 months ago due to financial hardship. Basically i got myself in a big mess and the only way to sort it out was to move home.
Since then my relationship has broken down, we were living together for a few years.
But i am an adult. I am so sick of living to everyone elses rules. I know people will say well, buck up, move out on your own, but its the furthest thing from possibility right now.
My elderly parents do a wonderful job with me, they help me, lend me money when i need it but im sick to DEATH of not feeling free.
Free to make my own decisions, to slob around in my pj's all day if i want to, to not go to work without explaining myself if im sick, to watch what i'd like on the TV for once.
I sound extremely ungrateful which to be honest, i am and i feel like the worst human being in the world, but im not being ME.
Im generally nice, grateful, kind but living in this way just brings out the worst in me, well not me, its someone i dont recognise and someone who i dont like very much.
I just want a rant and a cry and to declare to the world that im old enough to be ME but im not free to do so. Its driving me crazy. I feel like half a human being and a really crappy version at that....:(
The work i do just doesnt command very much money. Due to health implications im not up to much job wise and have to pick jobs carefully so i know ill be capable. It bloody sucks with a capital S.
I feel that now im single im even further away from ever being my own person again with a life to call my own.....

Oh right, so the OP isn't at all struggling with being her own person under her parent's roof, she just posted for shts & giggles then? hmm*

Thats exactly why she has posted, but she isn't you, so stop adding in your own stuff that she never said.

The OP feels that she has no choice but to rely on her parents. But people without parents in similar positions to the OP find a way to get by. Sometimes people's "help" doesn't actually help. The OP needs to find a way to feel like she is/can steer her own life again.

user1480946351 we do all add in our own bits, on Mumsnet, I feel, it is all of us just amateurs offering advice! I think tinsel has a good point. It doesn't mean the OP won't take her parent's help but maybe she can feel that there are other options.

It will get better. Take time to regroup, plan what you want and work out how to get there. Break it down into small steps; what you'd like to achieve in a timeframe that suits you. It's important to keep momentum. You will be able to enjoy wearing PJs where/when to and watch whatever you like on TV (or flick happily between progs!) These thing spell freedom. Have been in similar position and understand how important this is. There's a whole new year ahead to progress towards where you want to be.

we do all add in our own bits, on Mumsnet, I feel, it is all of us just amateurs offering advice!

If you add your own issues and answer them, your advice is pointless.

OP, have you tried slobbing around in pj's all day, maybe they won't even be bothered? Definitely get tv in your own bedroom. Do you buy your own food, cook your own meals, do your own dishes and eat in your room? We have dd living at home again and all these things work for us and her. We only get together for a family meal once a week, the odd tv programme we all like, family chat or mum & daughter chat and this seems to be working. Gives us all breathing space. Hth.

And dd gets first use of bathroom in the mornings because she's the only one working. (I'm ill and disabled and dh my carer) Was all very difficult at first but we're all much happier now we can all do our own thing. The only problem is dh who kept shouting up to her, does she want a cuppa? The thought's nice but Dd and I were irritated, she's capable of making her own cuppa when she wants it. Can any of the things I've mentioned here and above help your home life at all. And one very very important rule, we shout up to her anytime if we're offering alcohol beverage.

Is your bedroom big enough to become a living room come bedroom? I.e. Change the bed for a sofa bed or day bed you find on eBay. I would make myself as comfortable as possible for a small layout thus making the room my own and get my own tv programming with Netflix/Amazon Prime or some such. Then I'd go all out saving for a deposit on a flat. If you don't want to go out of the room much and slob round in your pjs for the day, that will take a bit more planning. IE making your food for the day in advance. It's pretty cold this time of the year so a plastic bag hung out of the window will be a great fridge. Tell your parents you want a "me" day and ask them if they would leave you alone.

Mummy, that's very much how we do it here except dd has her own fridge shelf, freezer drawer and food cupboard in the kitchen. We close the kitchen door when she's in there to give her privacy. I didn't like all this at first, especially her being upstairs a lot, felt as though we were cutting her off but dd likes it. Says it all reminds her of her student days! (hope she's not insinuating our house is like scruffy student digs) She also has one or two friends up to her room about once a week.

OP, is it possible to try any of the above? Would it help?

OP I have little sympathy.

You are free to make your own decisions.
You choose to live with your parents.

Move out. Many of us have had no parental support like this.

Sounds good Vapours. I stayed with my mother for a couple of months with dh (then dp). It was fine but would have hated it had I been staying for a prolonged period by myself. I need my privacy being an introvert. You sound like lovely parents.

Thanks Mummy, Happy New Year Btw, I'm the world's biggest culprit for slobbing about in pj's or as dd calls it "reprieve from the bra"

Yes it's real living. Your 'elderly' parents have allowed their 30+ adult child to move back in, they provide you with a safe place to live and lend you money and have done for 18 months with no end in sight. Probably wasn't what they envisaged for their future.
You need plans both short and long term. Stop borrowing money from them, keep in regular employment, check if your health condition means you can claim PIP or other benefits. Only you can make things change so make 2017 the year you take control.

Hi all,

Thanks to all who have commented. Much to think about and some good ideas. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who finds this situation difficult and that people do understand.
I'm very aware that this was not what my parents envisaged for their retirement either!
The original plan was that I moved in for a year and got myself out of as much debt as possible. On this front, so far so good. My parents were going to move abroad to a small property they own and I was going to rent their house for a small amount of rent on the proviso that they would come back for a few weeks of the year and would also stay in the family home. This seemed like a good plan but their health has deteriorated and this is no longer a possibility. (My partner was also going to move in at this time but that's all over now so a non issue).
Just feeling so depressed about it all and then every part of your life gets you down and your not exactly sure which bit is really the unhappy bit ie not having any money, the debt, your job, your living arrangements and then it all gets lumped together in a huge shitty pile!

Free to make my own decisions, to slob around in my pj's all day if i want to, to not go to work without explaining myself if im sick
Sorry to be blunt, but if this is your attitude towards employment, maybe is the reason why you're not independant

Sorry to be blunt, but if this is your attitude towards employment, maybe is the reason why you're not independent

I'd interpreted the OP's statement as meaning that if she was unwell and unable to go to work, that it would be nice to be at home without having to explain herself to her parents (i.e. justify) why she is unwell and not at work.

What is the money situation OP?

pauldacresconscience

Yes you are right. I'm not off work sick hardly at all but of of the times I was I didn't even tell my parents! I got dressed as if going to work and then went to a friends house for some peace and quiet! I came back at my normal coming home time and no one suspected a thing!

Money situation is that I have paid off 50% of my debt but it's still in five figures - just.
I work seven days a week on a minimum wage job and have had to work seven days a week for as long as I can remember to try and (badly) make ends meet.
The reason for the debt was partly from an ex who left me in a lot of debt and secondly due to trying to live with my current ex and away from my parents for a few years the sums just didn't add up but by then we had got ourselves fixed into contracts so had to wait it out even when we knew the financial side was spiralling out of control.

Is another job an option? I know you've said that health implications limit your options, but if you are already working seven days a week then that sounds very tiring.

Do you have any specific experience in a particular area, that could be translated somewhere else? The easiest and quickest route out of this is to try and earn more - which I realise is easier in theory than practice. But if you can share a bit about what you do then MN might be able to offer some advice about getting better work.

Did you get any financial advice when your debt was in 6 figures? It would have been easier to go bankrupt and start again than do this to be honest. It seems never ending.

It is extremely tiring working seven days with no days off in sight! But I don't have children and am sure it's just as tiring for SAHM or people with kids anyway!

Re the debt, it never (luckily) got to six figures and yes I could have gone bankrupt but i decided that I'd spent the money and ultimately should pay it back. No one forced me to get in debt (although my ex ex did contribute) and I don't think I could have lived with myself if I'd just walked away from it.
No financial advice but did communicate regularly with all companies involved who were extremely helpful and have been amazing.

The key here is to get the money part sorted - and there are two elements that you need to address. First you need to pay off the debt, then second you need enough coming in so that you can save up to move out and ensure that you will be able to stay on top of your bills.

I'd really recommend going to see a recruitment agent. You can get some really good advice about how to transfer your skills elsewhere. So - as an example - if you are currently a carer, then I would assume that you have very good people skills, are well organised, diligent, good at prioritising and dealing with difficult situations. Those are fantastic skills which could be re-purposed into other careers.

Queeny I totally get where you are coming from. I understand and to feel ungrateful.

I moved back in with my parents with dd and it's actually harder with dd than it was on my own.
It's silly things that get to you like coming in from work and being tired but having to answer ten silly questions. My mother is terrible for asking silly questions. My BiL actually winds her up about it when he is visiting. However it's exhausting after a stressful day at work.

Agree with the calling in sick and having to explain why you don't want to eat when you do. Everything has to be explained.

I can't have a shelf in the fridge or freezer as my Mother has it stashed with dinners she has made for my old uncle and the fridge is so small due to the slope in the kitchen. Also she packs it with six bogof huge packs of butter.

If I try and cook in the kitchen I get told off for being in the way as does my Dad its just the way my Mother is.
It does sound petty but when you are living it everything is heightened.
We spend most time in our rooms upstairs. I have a a TV and a desk to work at as does dd.
One day at ten o'clock at night. I was asleep my Mother barged into my room and demanded to know if I was pregnant as I hadn't leaked blood onto the sheets this month (TMI) sorry but that's just one example.
She is also very kind and gives my sister £1000 a month as her partner is out of work but she lobes going over my sisters bills over and over. It's bizarre.

Anyway just to let you know you are not alone.

Tinkerbec, don't understand, how would she even know what's on your sheets? Do you know what's on hers?