is this really living?

[QueenyLaverne]

Im in my early thirties and moved back home with my parents 18 months ago due to financial hardship. Basically i got myself in a big mess and the only way to sort it out was to move home.
Since then my relationship has broken down, we were living together for a few years.
But i am an adult. I am so sick of living to everyone elses rules. I know people will say well, buck up, move out on your own, but its the furthest thing from possibility right now.
My elderly parents do a wonderful job with me, they help me, lend me money when i need it but im sick to DEATH of not feeling free.
Free to make my own decisions, to slob around in my pj's all day if i want to, to not go to work without explaining myself if im sick, to watch what i'd like on the TV for once.
I sound extremely ungrateful which to be honest, i am and i feel like the worst human being in the world, but im not being ME.
Im generally nice, grateful, kind but living in this way just brings out the worst in me, well not me, its someone i dont recognise and someone who i dont like very much.
I just want a rant and a cry and to declare to the world that im old enough to be ME but im not free to do so. Its driving me crazy. I feel like half a human being and a really crappy version at that....:(
The work i do just doesnt command very much money. Due to health implications im not up to much job wise and have to pick jobs carefully so i know ill be capable. It bloody sucks with a capital S.
I feel that now im single im even further away from ever being my own person again with a life to call my own.....

Hi OP, I've just read all of this and I think you're doing really well. As I understand it, the original plan of you plus your now ex living in your parents' house only included living with them for a few weeks a year. Yes, you're very lucky that you're able to live with them and it's really sad that their health has deteriorated, but the situation you are currently living in isn't the one that you had all planned for - add in your relationship breakdown, ill health and debt - I'm not surprised you feel overwhelmed.

I read it that you had about £20k debt and now have £10k - that's excellent! You sound as if you're working way too many hours - and have a responsible attitude towards paying off a debt that isn't solely yours. Do you have a spreadsheet estimating when the repayments will be complete? Because then I'm guessing that you can start saving for a deposit.

I do sympathise - I lived abroad for 10 years and came back with DD who was five, and lived with my parents for the first time since I was 21. They are very rigid and controlling but it was short term (four months), I had the top floor of their house so own fridge, microwave, bathroom and two bedrooms etc - and my DM was fantastic with child care as I was commuting to London - and even with all that, I felt stifled and couldn't wait to get out! So I totally understand where you are coming from. Hang in there and think of it as an investment to a much brighter future.

Vapours she is nosey. She rifles through my drawers and there isn't privacy. She doesn't believe in it.
She will go in my room while I am at work. She may have seen it in the washing too. Who knows.

Mindtrope your comment is cruel and pointless, I will report it Mumsnet is for support.

Not at all.

For anyone who has been homeless with no parental support like me they will understand how lucky the OP is.

Tinkerbec that sounds awfully difficult. I do hope you will be free to move on and live independently. Your mum sounds very unreasonable and unpleasant.

see it as a clean slate and use the time you are there to think what you really want for yourself and from life. You will get there. Try and enjoy your time with your folks in the meantime.

Mindtrope it is awful that you have been homeless and of course it is unfair that no one was around to catch you and help you. I totally get that. But Mumsnet is for support, I think you could have expressed it more 'supportively' that's all.

Of course the OP is lucky to have parents who will take her in, but she is working 7 days a week to pay off debts when she could have just declared herself bankcrupt and got out of that.

Anyway, I just felt you were being a bit harsh!V BUT now I feel I may have been a bit harsh!

Mindtrope

Thank you lobster.

You are right about the money, yes. I'm doing my best with what I've got but every time I buy something I need or perhaps a top to have a rare night out my Dad inevitably brings up the 'why are you spending money, you know your only here to get out of debt. Why do you need a top/evening out etc?'
It's truly stifling.
Another thing I hadn't thought about was, when you are younger you have this impression of your parents being strong individuals, who run the household and provide for you etc. you then move out and make a life. You visit them and spend shorter periods of time together than when you were living together.
All of a sudden you return home to live with these people and they are not who you remember they were, they are now older, more frail, sick, are on tons of meds which make them behave differently and they aren't 'your' parents anymore. It so sad but I understand, it's RL. I'm sure I'm not the same person they knew either.
Other the 18 months despite me trying to remain independent, ie my own cooking, cleaning clothes washing etc, my mother has slowly, slowly taken it all over. 18 months in and we are firmly back to the parent/child relationship much to my horror. My mother gets deeply offended and neurotic if she cannot do 'my' things for me and as much as I have protested, (and believe me I have, who wants there mother washing their knickers at mid thirty age) my dad just wants an easy life and just tells me to let my mum look after me or all hell breaks loose.
I have given up fighting her. But it makes me so sad. I also experience the barrage of ridiculous questions daily...arghhhh!

Italian, it's fine, don't worry. x

Sorry if my words sounded harsh.

and of course it is unfair that no one was around to catch you and help you.
It wasn't unfair, it was just the situation. I messed up a bit, abusive OH, so wrong choice of partner, debts etc.

I actually feel for the OPs parents.

This elderly couple are being so incredibly supportive, giving the OP a home, money, support, and the OP is complaining about her lack of freedom.

Sometimes a little reality check is in order.

I think that we're all dealt different hands in life but that doesn't mean that we lose the right to have a private rant in a forum about pretty much most things. It's difficult sometimes not to think "but she has it easier than I did for reasons a, b and c". Whenever I hear of maintenance or custody battles, a bit of me still thinks "at least he/she pays something and has any contact at all" but that's not relevant really and is my own private resentment because in 19 years my ex H has not been involved and is overseas somewhere.

Gosh, OP, you took me back to living at home (and I do appreciate that my circumstances were very different). It was chicken and egg with our behaviour - not sure if I behaved like a child first, or they treated me like one .... mine are now 92 and 86 and we're hugely lucky as they are very independent and travel abroad several times a year. In fact they are so mentally active that they are always looking for new projects, and DD and I moving back to the UK gave them something to really focus on. Everything we did or said was scrutinised and analysed as to why we hadn't done it differently. Of course I was enormously lucky but it's hard to keep remembering that when you have to defend every action and movement. I'm sitting here now really appreciating being in my own place, with DD asleep beside me after NYE in London ..... you too will look back in this as a means to an end!

We lived with my PILs for 4 months so I have a wee bit of insight into how small irritations and differences in living styles, privacy etc can build up.

I'm going to take a great leap sideways here (and yes, it it totally based on my own experiences) and advise you to make a real plan to get out as soon as possible, before you find yourself caring for your parents on top of everything else? (You mention they are on many meds, sick, more frail etc).

Plan to do this even before all your debt is paid. For example, could you rent a room in someone's house, for example? Become a live-in companion fro someone else? Ask around - it's January, and someone out there will be looking for a little extra income. I think if you could do this you would feel more liberated and it would take other pressures off you.

op your situation could happen to any one of us - in my views its what parents are there for I would like to think our home is a family home open to our dc - to flit to and from for as long as they need too. We all face set back in life, relationship troubles, money troubles - health issues and so on. Its really looked down on now I find to have older dc still living at home and yet its common everywhere all over the world and indeed here - it was traditional for newly weds to set up in the front parlour until they would move out.

You are of course very lucky to still have your DP and a family base and home. So be grateful for that.

I also agree in short term you need to forge some space for yourself, so you are happier right now and feel better, state of mind is everything I would focus on that, in short term, and look on it as a wonderful blessing in many ways to have this extra time with your DP.

I lived with DM when older and it was then we became good friends and I saw her in a new light - always a great light but in a new even more wonderful way and we got on so well. She passed away after so it really was a precious time. Try and look at the whole thing with fresh eyes, keep making small steps forward and small steps to improve immediate situation.

mindtrop

I have just seen your comment and too. I lived with my DM for a time but there was also a time after she passed away I needed a roof, and there was nothing.
I was also technically homeless for a while, but if you see my post above I have not mentioned this.

mindtrop I wish there was someone there to help everyone. I know it is real life.

OP I 1000% agree with ImNotWhoYouThinkIAmOhNo. Move onto a companion position or similar where you get free or cheap rent and only set duties, or a cheap flat share.

My mother got ill with dementia and my sister wanted to care for her at home. It truly would have been a nightmare for both of them. Move on v. V. Soon.

You sound fed up and I can understand why but a couple of things you've posted concern me. You are in your 30s and I expect now have minimal living costs, stop borrowing from your parents. If you want to be treated as an adult behave like one.
Also, how often are you off work sick? If it's only very occasionally then fine. If it's very regular without an underlying health issue, I could understand why your parents question it.
You need to buckle down, work very hard to try and earn extra to improve your financial position and then you'll be in a better position to create the type of adult life you want. I think your parents treat you like a child as that seems to be the role you have assumed moving back in with them and not being financially independent.
I hope things improve for you.

Thanks, Italian. For balance, I feel I should also mention that our adult DD moved back in with us for a while. It was lovely having her back, but when she moved out, it suddenly became clear just how much tension there had been in the house!

She's definitely blossomed since she moved out. I'm pleased that she didn't go very far and comes back often enough, which is much healthier for everyone.

OP, this could be you in a few months! It's worth looking for ways to move out as a priority - for the sake of your own sanity, and the relationship with your parents.

Lindy "...how often are you off work sick? If it's only very occasionally then fine. If it's very regular without an underlying health issue, I could understand why your parents question it."

The OP does have health issues.

"You need to buckle down, work very hard to try and earn extra to improve your financial position.." The Op is working 7 days a week.

I'm wondering how your mum and dad feel having a 30 yr old teenager under their roof? Also, see your GP, organise some Counselling.

ImNotWhoYouThinkIAmOhNo I think I can see both sides, but thanks for clarifying.

I never really understood how much my parents did for me when I moved back in mt early thirties. It was not lack of money that did it for me, but rather my anxiety which meant I felt safer at home, although I had not really realized that at the time. I hope my parents knew how much I appreciated them. They are both sadly dead now (it was almost 16 years ago now that I finally left home for good).

Having had a parent with dementia I do feel that professional care if needed and that it is quite hard to care for very elderly, frail and confused parents at home. I know it happens but the cost to those who do it can be huge. I know that I would not want my kids to have to 'deal with my care' when I am very old and very ill.

Tartfuel Teenager? OP has cleared half her debts and works 7 days a week, whilst getting over a relationship breakup! Don't know any teenagers who could do that?

Whilst it may be frustrating living with your parents, at least you had that option to allow you time and a roof over your head to get your debts paid off.l think you should change your focus and look forwards whilst you have this situation.

l think you should be spending this time planning a better future, ie there must be something training wise that will get you better paid work, or internet homeworking in your evenings or maybe starting a small business....some can be done from nothing cost wise.

List as many possibilities as you can, ask for ideas from everyone, look at your options health wise, consider grant aided courses in something with better earning potential. As you are single and child free this is your best time to improve your prospects as your time is your own.

At some point you will meet someone and have demands on your time again, so start planning a better future now, whilst your DM is looking after you....see it as more time to focus on earning money, rather than she is washing your knickers!

Tinkerbec I would think we have the same mum except I know we don't as my DD and I are living with mine at the moment and I'd have seen you around

Both your and Queenys posts really resonate with me. We've been here nearly 6 months and it is bloody, bloody hard.

Of course we're lucky to have them to fall back on so we have a room over our heads, but the pay off is very little personal space and no privacy which any adult would find challenging no matter how grateful they might be.

Throw a hormonal pre-teen into the mix who is dealing with a new school and the breakdown of her parents marriage due to EA and it's a right barrel of laughs!

The seeing the change in your parents through age and deterioration of health is also truly gut-wrenching.

I can't wait until we're able to move out, not only for selfish reasons but because it will be easier for them to make the changes they need to live a happier and more comfortable life.

Something similar happened to me after my first big break up. I realised I needed a 2 year plan to get my independence back.

You can do it. I agree with the other poster, you shouldn't lounge around in your pyjamas all day. You're not living on your own anymore. Seeing a relative lounging about like that (unless they're really ill) especially if it's on a day they should be at work sends alarm bells ringing.. it's basically just concern for you.

This is quite extraordinary! The OP wrote Basically i got myself in a big mess and the only way to sort it out was to move home. She later said that her OH had contributed but it was principally her debt. She now complains that her father would rather she paid those debts and let him and her mother be free, than to go out and buy stuff he is effectively paying for.
If someone came on here and said "I stabbed someone and went to prison and it's really hard not being able to slob about" what would the response be?!
OP this is your doing. You have already proved that you can deal with it because you are half way there. Good luck with the other half! But you cannot - you just cannot - complain at the rules of your parents' house when you are only there as a consequence of your own folly. They are blameless.
Many have suggested talking therapy to cope with your current circumstances. I agree that it can help but not to deal with now: rather the focus should be how you allowed yourself to get into a mess and how you can bring yourself to acknowledge that you are to blame without it hitting you for six. It IS alright to get into debt: it happens to lots of people. It is NOT alright to blame others.