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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to breastfeed?

147 replies

BeakyFlapdoodle · 31/12/2016 22:41

My DH wants to bottle feed our 5 week old.
He says that he's unable to bond with our daughter because all she wants is me and my boobs. He doesn't like that he's unable to settle her when she cries.
He says that formula is just as good and that I'm 'killing myself' for no real reason. (I'm not. DD is going through what I assume is a growth spurt and has fed every hour today and last night. She's normally three hourly, which I think is pretty good and manageable..?!)
DH says we should give her formula last thing at night and we'll get more sleep (he's getting quite a lot of sleep Hmm ) he's been out to buy bottles and formula 'just incase'.

At the moment there's no other way of settling her. Is this normal? She's a contented little baby and is gaining weight well. I'm really enjoying feeding her.

Feeling my confidence slip away a bit as he's being so unsupportive.

Advice?

OP posts:
OnTheUp13 · 31/12/2016 22:43

I'm still BFing our DD at 17 months and DH has and did bond with her despite the lack of lactating breasts.

Allthewaves · 31/12/2016 22:45

Encourage him to hold her. Get him to wind her after a feed

SerialReJoiner · 31/12/2016 22:45

Does he know what normal newborn behaviour is like? Your dc is behaving as expected at this age. He can hold her when she isn't feeding, surely...? I'm sorry you are feeling undermined. You are doing everything "right" for your dc.

Sparrowlegs248 · 31/12/2016 22:46

Same with ds also 17 months. ^^^

Believeitornot · 31/12/2016 22:47

he can bond with her in other ways. Take her out for walks in a sling, learn how to comfort her by singing etc.

I BF both of mine and when they were tiny they needed comfort from feeding. However it wasn't the milk it was the cuddling etc. So if he's trying to cuddle her when she's hungry then he's got no chance. But if she's tired then he can take her in the sling.

She is 5 weeks old. She's only been out of you for 5 short weeks.

It takes effort to know a baby. When mine got a bit older, breastfeeding did not comfort them! So while he might think formula feeding will help there will come a time where it won't. Then what does he suggest?

Chelazla · 31/12/2016 22:47

I expect I'll be in the minority but I do see his point and it's very nice that he wants to help and bond. Would it make you very sad to bf the majority of time and maybe a couple of bottles a day or night?

coconutpie · 31/12/2016 22:47

Throw the formula and bottles in the bin. Tell your husband that it is your decision to breastfeed, not his, and he needs to support you. He can bond with baby in lots of ways - holding, singing, playing, taking for a little walk, changing nappy, bath. He doesn't need to give processed milk in order to bond with his child. He needs to get a grip and start supporting you.

Join a bf support group so you have support. And well done Flowers.

ImYourMama · 31/12/2016 22:48

I breastfeed my DD and hubby does the burping and changing - works for us and he adores her

Itsallgoodimtold · 31/12/2016 22:49

Sounds jealous or maybe just really sympathetic to the amount of effort you are putting in. Despite all the bf promotion people still often find it quite shocking how much effort is involved in the early months. Assure him it will get better if you are committed to continuing. Well done xx

coconutpie · 31/12/2016 22:49

Chelazla - the OP wants to breastfeed, she is happy to do so. Suggesting she offers a few bottles a day just because her husband says so will tell her body to stop producing enough milk and she may end up ending her breastfeeding journey before she wants to.

mamatiger2016 · 31/12/2016 22:49

This is normal, you are doing nothing wrong. My DS is 12 weeks, when he has a growth spurt he can easily feed hourly. Other days he can happily go 2-3-4 hours between feeds.

Your DH needs to give you a break, as PP have said he could wind the baby or maybe give her a bath? There's many other ways of bonding except feeding.

As an aside, have you tried expressing? He could still give her a bottle and it's your milk / he gets to feel like he is doing something? I have done this so OH can give DS his final bottle of the day and I can have some time without baby attached to my boobs.

Good luck!

wrapsuperstar · 31/12/2016 22:50

As others have wisely said feeding is not the only way to bond with and nurture a baby. I especially second the use of a sling (something nice and cosy, a wrap sling if possible). DH also did lots of skin to skin cuddles between feeds (he got first ever skin to skin with DD1 in fact!)

KateBeckett · 31/12/2016 22:51

Absolutely not unreasonable at all. Well done for keeping on during the relentlessness of cluster feeding with no support!

OnTheUp13 · 31/12/2016 22:52

The problem with mix feeding that early is it can greatly effect your production and some babies won't go back to the breast due to 1. Nipple confusion or 2. It's a lot easier to get milk out of a bottle than a nipple so some babies refuse breast 3. Some refuse bottles (my DD did)

Could you express OP if he's desperate to do a bottle?

Inadither · 31/12/2016 22:52

Dear lord. What a selfish twonk! He's trying to undermine your efforts. Probably feeling left out because all she does want is you and boobs are a bit of a cure all (they're fab for that exact reason). There are plenty of other ways he can bond, could he bathe with the baby or change nappies, carry baby in a sling for a walk while you get a rest? I'd be having words at him being so unsupportive. in a week or two if he's desperate to feed you could begin expressing but tbh I found that more faff than it was worth.

GloveBug · 31/12/2016 22:53

Her feeding sounds completely normal for 5 weeks. I bf 2 dds and DH had managed to bond very well with both of them. I found that because he couldn't comfort them with food he came up with other ways of comfirting them. Your DD's feeding will start to setlle down and there are plenty of other ways he can bond with her. If you do fancy a break you could try expressing 1 feed a day so DH can bottle feed her your breast milk

Coconut0il · 31/12/2016 22:53

Totally normal. I'm still bf DS2, 17 months. It was hard going at the start, the constant feeding was really difficult. For the first 3 months DS2 was permanently attached to me but my DP was very supportive. Your DH needs to support you, you are doing the best for your baby and he shouldn't be spoiling this time by thinking of himself. He can do everything else baths, nappies, walks, rocking, singing and he should be helping you, bringing you drinks and snacks, not buying formula 'just in case'.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 31/12/2016 22:54

I breastfed dc for 18 months. DH bonded wonderfully.

IF you want to and feel it would work for you all, you might consider expressing for some feeds for your dh to give, but it's absolutely not necessary for bonding and if bf is working well id carry on as you are.

I tried expressing with dc1 but couldn't get on with it. We've discussed trying again for dc2 as dh (massive bf supporter) is keen to try to help with some night feeds if possible, but very much only if it's works for me and the dc - if not, we won't do it. Either way none of us are worrying that it will affect his bonding with the baby.

Chelazla · 31/12/2016 22:54

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to bf at all I am just saying I appreciate dads point! It's his baby too and better than being uninterested! It has been posted to get different opinions!

doleritedinosaur · 31/12/2016 22:54

Yes that is normal for a 5 week old, especially as around 6 week is a growth spurt so she's still building up your supply.

Don't let him take away your confidence for doing so well.

You won't necessarily get more sleep just because the feed is formula.
I have friends who ff & they wake up every 3 hours if not just as much as breast fed babies.

Can you put a muslin under your boobs & when he holds her puts the muslin on him so she still has your scent.

This is all normal & he will bond with her, but he shouldn't be stripping your confidence away.

I breastfed DS until he was 18 months & OH bonded slowly but fine. (Slowly due to other issues,) he was glad I breastfed & still got to settle DS. In fact one night I was really tired & he latched DS on himself.

Good luck & keep going how you want to.

Whatsername17 · 31/12/2016 22:55

You can express and introduce a bottle if you want too. But if breastfeeding is going well I wouldn't rock the boat. Tell your dh to try bathing with the baby. Lots of skin to skin is lovely is the early stages.

ChibiTotoro · 31/12/2016 22:56

If you want to breastfeed carry on! My DH changed our DC's nappies in the night everytime they woke up for a feed.
There are plenty of other ways he can bond with your child without him trying to get you to make decisions you're not comfortable with.
This period lasts for such a short time, enjoy it while it lasts.

SmashDemGuineaPigs · 31/12/2016 22:57

If you DH thinks you'll get more sleep formula feeding he's mistaken! Both my DS were FF and neither went more than 2 hours between a feeds for a long time.
Have you considered expressing? That way he could do some feeds preferably at night?? Grin

gamerchick · 31/12/2016 22:59

I expect I'll be in the minority but I do see his point and it's very nice that he wants to help and bond. Would it make you very sad to bf the majority of time and maybe a couple of bottles a day or night

It's fuck all about feeling sad. I'm assuming you know bugger all about breastfeeding? Hmm

OP tell him there is other ways to bond without giving bottles. Forth trimester is all about you. No formula is needed if things are going as well as you say. It just makes pain for you when they miss a feed.

Make the most of it and have baths or sleep while he does the skin to skin jiggling thing.

Footinmouthasusual · 31/12/2016 22:59

To be completely honest if my dh wanted this by ds 4 I would have wept with relief. Grin older wiser and totally fucking knackered.

Still if you want to BF and your baby is ok get him to burp and settle. Also walks etc while you nap.

Still never met or heard of an adult either mum or dad who begs for sleepless nights but mumsnet is a parallel universe Wink