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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to breastfeed?

147 replies

BeakyFlapdoodle · 31/12/2016 22:41

My DH wants to bottle feed our 5 week old.
He says that he's unable to bond with our daughter because all she wants is me and my boobs. He doesn't like that he's unable to settle her when she cries.
He says that formula is just as good and that I'm 'killing myself' for no real reason. (I'm not. DD is going through what I assume is a growth spurt and has fed every hour today and last night. She's normally three hourly, which I think is pretty good and manageable..?!)
DH says we should give her formula last thing at night and we'll get more sleep (he's getting quite a lot of sleep Hmm ) he's been out to buy bottles and formula 'just incase'.

At the moment there's no other way of settling her. Is this normal? She's a contented little baby and is gaining weight well. I'm really enjoying feeding her.

Feeling my confidence slip away a bit as he's being so unsupportive.

Advice?

OP posts:
Minimincepies · 01/01/2017 07:48

Totally normal. My DS is exclusively breastfed and he has an amazing bond with my husband, DH takes him for walks in the pram to give me a break, has bathtime with him, reads him stories, plays silly games with him etc, and DS adores him. Breastfeeding is the best thing you can do for your baby, don't stop because your husband is selfish.

welshgirlwannabe · 01/01/2017 08:09

Nearly 10 months into bf-ing a little boob monster here. He has yet to go through the night without at least two feeds, unfortunately! However he has a great bond with my partner and will often cry when daddy leaves the room.

In the early days dp could soothe baby by giving him skin to skin contact and by wearing him in a sling. Baby doesn't need skin to skin anymore but still spends a lot of time in a sling on daddy. Brilliant for bonding and comforting babies. No lactating boobs required Wink

Breastfeeding is the best thing you can do for your baby, and your partner needs to put baby's needs first.

BroomstickOfLove · 01/01/2017 08:14

Things that are actually a

Heirhelp · 01/01/2017 08:15

My DD and I struggled massively with bf and much to my surprise I hated bf. I spent weeks trying to decide if we should give up and DH rightly listened to be talk about it and said whatever you decide will be because it is the best decision for both of you and I will support you. I really wanted to say stop feeding but rightly he would not make that decision.

There are loads of other ways to bond, slinging, skin to skin, bathing, singing, chatting and generally play. Bonding with a baby is not instant and men often start the process at birth when women start it when they can feel their baby move, if not earlier.

BroomstickOfLove · 01/01/2017 08:16

Sorry - child sat on me while I was writing and posted before I meant to.

LittleLionMansMummy · 01/01/2017 08:40

The only way to bond for both mothers and fathers is to get to know your baby and their little ways. Breastfeeding is only part of that process. Dd is also 5 weeks old and of course I love feeding her. It's the only time that only I can provide her with what she needs. After a day of being passed around between people, it's our special one to one time when I can just gaze at her and she at me. But dh is totally in love already. He knows when she's hungry and when she's tired and struggling to sleep. He changes her, plays with her, paces up and down with her to settle her, baths her, puts her in the sling, has skin to skin in the evenings, gives me a break when I need it most. Stick to your guns op, there are many ways to get to know a baby.

EmzDisco · 01/01/2017 08:43

All I have to say about how your DH should support your choice in feeding has been said, it's one area where unless it's actually causing you mental health issues, or being detrimental say to the care of other children etc then it should primarily be the mothers choice, it actually physically affects you, potentially a lot, so how you feed is down to you.

My DD is still BF at 15 mo, she refused bottles of expressed milk so DP has never had that experience no. And yes, for the start of her life she wanted me all the time, not because of me, but because of my life giving comforting boobs!

But at 6 months we started to introduce solids, anyone can do that, cook tasty nutritious food for your baby to try, and then she learned to crawl, and walk, and play peekaboo and love being tickle and chased and sung too.

The feeding bit of bonding is such a tiny tiny amount of time in your child's life. There is so much much much more to come. It really does make sense for a partner to support the mum in this instance, help them get through the tough new born bit, whether that be supporting breastfeeding or formular feeding. As it's her boobs that will be sore, nipples that will be cracked, mental health going haywire, hormones all over the shop, dealing with blocked ducts or mastitis or feeling like a dairy cow, and only the person going through that can say how they want to handle it.

Now DD shouts "Dada!" whenever he comes in the room, runs to him for cuddles and games, and will run right past me. And he favourite thing is when we are all on the sofa, she breastfeeds while pointing happily at her Daddy! Their bond is as strong as anything already, no bottles needed.

Soubriquet · 01/01/2017 10:00

But why should the OP give her baby a bottle to save his feelings?

It's not benefitting the baby, it's purely for the husbands benefit

Only do what you are comfortable with OP

I don't mean that as "you gave birth so you get to make the rules" but breastfeeding is one thing you can't keep changing your mind on.

Once you decide to stop, or replace some feeds with a bottle it will affect your supply

Blueskyrain · 01/01/2017 10:12

Actually, a bottle of expressed is likely to benefit the baby. Firstly, it will promote bonding and the relationship between baby and dad, which is a positive thing. Yes there are other ways, but that doesnt mean this way shoukd be overlooked.

Secondly, it reinforces early on that both parents are equal, which helps against the formation of early sexist views on gendrt roles.

Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, it gives mum a break, to sleep, catch her breath, pop out etc. A less sleep deprived mum, who still gets to see her friends occasionally is likely to be in a much better frame of mind for parenthood. She'll have more energy to play with her child, and all this massively benefits the child.

Welshrainbow · 01/01/2017 10:17

It's totally normal for a five week old to be cluster feeding during a growth spurt and it will pass but don't ignore your husband. He's there telling you that he is struggling to bond with his baby so you need to help him to bond. It doesn't necessarily mean stopping breastfeeding but it does mean you have to work hard at finding a solution. There's lots of people that say oh yeah I breastfed and my husband bonded fine and that's true for them but yours is struggling and a secure bond and attachment to both parents from early in is as beneficial as breast milk. Could you have some tasks that are dedicated just to him, bath time for example or winding your baby every time so she also associates him with feeding time. Or could you express for some feeds so that he can also be involved in feeding her. You need to make decisions together about what's best for your baby and for your family as a whole, neither one of you should have a monopoly on making th decisions for the baby you created together, if he wants to formula feed and you don't you need to talk it out and come to a decision together.

iniquity · 01/01/2017 10:52

Welshrainbow, breastfeeding is best for the baby. There is no evidence to suggest that babies benefit from being bottle fed by their father to promote bonding.

Soubriquet · 01/01/2017 11:00

How long does it take to establish a good supply?

Is 5 weeks long enough? I thought it was more 12 weeks

Marmalade85 · 01/01/2017 11:06

You mentioned your eldest was ff, so I'm guessing your DP is feeling like he is missing out this time. Suggest he finds other ways to bond as you're clearly enjoying bf.

MrsWhiteWash · 01/01/2017 11:10

My MIL was all but DH won't be able to bond with baby if you bf - I killed myself expressing - never got much out. Took till second baby to tell me he hated feeding them Hmm. Second baby was a bottle refuser anyway.

I also got him to do the baths with first - so he could have something he did - he hated that to.

That all sounds terrible but he's always been very supportive and has a great relationship with all the children.

Looking back I think MIL thought me bf was judgement on her which it wasn't and she thought it was that meant she wasn't allowed to take our baby whenever she fancied which wouldn't have happened anyway.

I got DH books about bf - so he knew stuff before we had our first - could your DH just be hearing how easy ff is and not about downsides of cost and faff of sterilising?

Perhaps try expressing first - see if he actually like feeding and if baby takes the bottle and try getting across what a normal sleep pattern for such a young baby - yes ff babies often sleep longer but still not a full night.

NicknameUsed · 01/01/2017 11:11

"My only interest is in whether I need to consider my DH feelings when it comes to feeding OUR baby."

I don't think it has anything to do with him. I don't buy this idea that him feeding the baby increases bonding. I also don't buy the idea that breastfeeding increases bonding. I breastfed DD because I wanted to, not because I felt that we bonded better.

I think the "bonding" is a red herring.

Just do what is best for both of you.

Pineappletastic · 01/01/2017 11:12

My husband wanted to join in too, I expressed a bit (we did one feed a day expressed for a little while), but we found that actually it was more hassle than it was worth, after a few goes he realised that bottle feeding a baby isn't the magical bonding experience he'd imagined, and that sterilising everything is a massive faff, and that he could just as easily sit with me while I fed her directly.

He also does burping, changing, bathing and chatting, which seems to have helped him bond fine. She's 3.5 months and he gets way more smiles and happy noises than me, I sometimes feel I'm just a food source :)

BWatchWatcher · 01/01/2017 11:20

At 5 weeks I'm not sure the baby cares about gender roles, all she cares about is breastmilk ;)
I'd encourage your DH to bond with the baby in other ways. He could even read to her, dance with her, sing to her, bathe and do a bit of baby massage with her.
If necessary get your HB to have a chat with him about the benefits of breastfeeding, he may be more likely to believe a health professional.

HarryTheFluff · 01/01/2017 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NicknameUsed · 01/01/2017 11:43

"I think you should take your husbands feelings into account, when the two of you make any big decision about how you parent your child. This would include how your child is fed"

Sorry, but I don't agree. Breastfeeding is just one of those physiological things that men can't do. They can't have babies either. It's nature. End of.

BWatchWatcher · 01/01/2017 11:50

I agree. The first few weeks are a miniscule amount of time in a child's life. Let them feed in peace.

BroomstickOfLove · 01/01/2017 11:54

The thing about 'bonding' is that it happens in two ways. One of those is the hormonal stuff which comes with giving birth and breastfeeding. Your DH won't get that however she is fed. The other sort comes from caring and responding and nurturing. With a bottle fed baby, that can be done partly through feeding (which includes stuff like learning from experience when the baby will be hungry and making sure everything is ready).

But the actual, proper bonding doesn't happen in those lovely Facebook-suitable snuggly moments. It happens when the baby is hungry and needs to be fed and your nipples are in agony and you put the baby to your breast anyway. It happens when your wife is crying because she's been stuck on the sofa for three hours and you bring her a cup of tea and give her a cuddle and look at the baby together and amazed by what you have made. It happens when every garment you own is covered in baby shit and you wrap the baby in a towel, put on a load of laundry and get into the bath together. It happens when it's three in the morning and the baby has been fed and changed and still won't stop crying and you fling on some clothes and a sling and take the baby out for a walk in the darkness while your wife sleeps and then the baby fall asleep on your chest and you walk home as the sun rises feeling like the only two people in the world. It happens when the baby's expression changes and you realise that she is hungry/tired/about to do a poo.

PetalMettle · 01/01/2017 11:55

You are in the fortunate position of being able to breastfeed your baby. You seem to want to as well, so that's what you should do. As others have said shoving a bottle in the baby's face won't necessarily help your partner bond in any case. And I had a heck of a job expressing, sterilising etc. And my little one wasn't keen on bottles anyway.
Your partner needs to support you and look after you. My husband initially did everything but feed the baby and bonded better than I did initially

HarryTheFluff · 01/01/2017 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NicknameUsed · 01/01/2017 12:06

I just don't think the father of the child has any say in whether the child should be breastfed or not because it is the mother who does the breastfeeding. I think this is one thing the mother should have the final say over.

I'm leaving out the option of expressing because a) it is a faff and b) Some women find it very difficult to do.

whyohwhy000 · 01/01/2017 12:06

Would expressed milk be a compromise?