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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to breastfeed?

147 replies

BeakyFlapdoodle · 31/12/2016 22:41

My DH wants to bottle feed our 5 week old.
He says that he's unable to bond with our daughter because all she wants is me and my boobs. He doesn't like that he's unable to settle her when she cries.
He says that formula is just as good and that I'm 'killing myself' for no real reason. (I'm not. DD is going through what I assume is a growth spurt and has fed every hour today and last night. She's normally three hourly, which I think is pretty good and manageable..?!)
DH says we should give her formula last thing at night and we'll get more sleep (he's getting quite a lot of sleep Hmm ) he's been out to buy bottles and formula 'just incase'.

At the moment there's no other way of settling her. Is this normal? She's a contented little baby and is gaining weight well. I'm really enjoying feeding her.

Feeling my confidence slip away a bit as he's being so unsupportive.

Advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
BeakyFlapdoodle · 31/12/2016 23:39

FATE not trying to pitch anyone against anyone. DC1 was FF from a month old. Thanks for bringing that to the discussion though. Really helpful Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
BeakyFlapdoodle · 31/12/2016 23:42

chelazla thank you. He is nice. Which is why I'm worrying about being unreasonable...
Thank you for all the suggestions so far and happy new year. Currently celebrating with a glass of squash and a baby attached to my boob...!

OP posts:
RattieOfCatan · 31/12/2016 23:42

Ha. My DD is 7weeks and I think that her bond with DH is probably "better" than mine and dd's in a way despite breast feeding, because he's had to spend more time working out what calms her down as I just tend to go straight to the boob option, it was only during week 5 that I realised that she's not always hungry Blush
DH tends to take over her other care aspects when he's at home (which I'm perfectly fine with!) which has helped build their bond too. There are many many ways to bond with baby, feeding is not the only way, I've no clue why people obsess over it tbh!

We plan for me to start expressing so that dd can have one bottle a day which DH will give, but not until dd and I are completely ready for that and I can be bothered to sterilise the bottles. it's an option if it's a route you want to go down, though selfishly, the main reason we are going to try it is actually for me to know that I can leave her with other people for short periods without worrying about her wanting a feed!

mmmuffins · 31/12/2016 23:51

I think he is thinking selfishly, and making feeding about him rather than the baby and you.

Im going to add to the voices recommending a sling; my DH would wear our DD and she would sleep on him for hours while he pottered about, and I rested.

scottishdiem · 31/12/2016 23:54

This wasnt about breastfeeding versus formula. This was about a dad trying to get to bond with his child in a way that he isnt able to. Changing nappies is not exactly the same is it.

We have also had AIBU in the past about men not wanting to do anything with newborns and mums desperate for support and men being castigated for that. The black and white nature of this thread does expose the hypocrisy that can be found on MN.

Some thoughts:

  1. How many men are really emotionally invested in the breast v bottle debate. Do you think they would understand the issue as vehemently presented here.
  1. He sees his partner knackered and is not part of that part of the babies life and has offered a solution. Not a very good one but remember, very few men have ever been brought up to think about pregnancy and breastfeeding etc.
  1. He wants to be involved. I would take this to be a good thing.
  1. Advise him to get educated about babies and dads bonding rather than castigating him for a bad idea in a debate he knows nothing about. For him the bonding is during the feeding, not the actual feeding so knows nothing of things like the confidence issue around new mums and breastfeeding especially if its the first.

Really. There is a difference between being utterly uninformed and making a mistake and setting out to selfishly undermine the OP. He didnt do this because he is all about him as some hater noted above. He did this because he loves his new baby and wants to be there and doing things and help. Just guide him to things like skin on skin cuddles/slings and getting your scent onto things that he can then use as well - as has been noted above.

Congrats on your new baby but dont be too harsh on DH for a bad idea done with the best of intentions.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 31/12/2016 23:54

I'm sorry you're not getting the support you need. I couldn't have done it without the support of people around me.

I still breastfeed my 14 month old and DS absolutely adores his dad. Breastfeeding has not remotely hindered the bond they have.

You need to do what you think is best for you and the baby. It's unfair of your DH to put you in this position.

ConvincingLiar · 31/12/2016 23:55

He's being naive and selfish. She's a tiny baby, they don't sleep well. It'll get better however you feed her.

Hadenoughoftumble · 01/01/2017 00:18

So he wants to feed her in a way that's more expensive, less good and has risks

I'm genuinely curious here- what risks? I'm definitely not saying she should give up bf because it sounds like it's going well but what risks are associated with ff?

I've had to ff both mine (as much as I felt incredibly guilty at the time for some reason) and reading a comment like that takes me right back to that feeling. Please think before posting a comment like that.

CalleighDoodle · 01/01/2017 00:21

I bf both my children. Husband winded and settled them after each evening and night feed.

Your partner sounds a little controlling...

myelfnameisffs · 01/01/2017 00:22

Get the wine out beaky*! You can still have a wee drink or 2 while feeding.

*or alternative beverage of your choice.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 01/01/2017 00:24

Scottish but don't you think that men who are about to become (or already are) fathers have a responsibility to inform themselves on all this stuff? I wasn't born with all my baby-related knowledge. I've invested huge amounts of time educating myself on all aspects of baby care. Obviously I don't know it all - who does? - but I've taken responsibility and prepared myself. I think it's a bit of an insult to suggest that men just don't understand. Lots of men do understand (as much as they can without physically going through pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding) because, like most mum's, they have taken responsibility for educating themselves. 5 minutes on Google would have told him that his idea was not a good one and that it would undermine his wife's breastfeeding efforts.

Just because a man is not one of the blokes from the other AIBU threads who isn't interested in his baby at all, doesn't mean he's doing enough. It's not like mothers should just be grateful because at least their partner isn't a total deadbeat. (Not really talking about the OP here, more a general point).

I do agree with you though that the OP's DH may well be acting out of ignorance rather than selfishness. She knows him best so she will know that.

Gingergin · 01/01/2017 00:26

It's lovely he wants to bond but you're doing what's best for her by bf'ing, he can bond in lots of other ways, changing, dressing, bathing. My oh does these, he does all nappy changes in the evenings and weekends so to get some time with my ds and they have a lovely bond.
They also play and read together, there's much more to bonding than feeding, but I know my oh can feel bad that he can't settle him like I can with boob.

gluteustothemaximus · 01/01/2017 00:34

Sounds very controlling. Not supportive. DH has bonded with all 3 children without feeding them. There's tonnes to do! DH always takes baby when he's not feeding. They are very close. If you continue he needs to accept that and support you. Hard enough as it is x

scottishdiem · 01/01/2017 00:34

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder Yes they do but sometimes (often) learning from a point of ignorance only compounds and indeed enhances the ignorance. If they dont know that there is an issue about breastfeeding v formula and see the act of feeding as the bonding then what do they educate themselves on - googling the best bottles and formula or mum baby breastfeed bond?

Neither men or women are bond with the baby-related knowledge. But toys, schooling, social education, social pressures(!), family knowledge, friend experiences all help women and are not nearly as available to men. I just think it was harsh to be so harsh on him for wanting to help, even if his idea was basically mince.

DirtyDancing · 01/01/2017 00:35

Sorry OP but it sounds like he is being a selfish bully.

1pink4blue · 01/01/2017 00:37

My dd is 22months and bf and she is a total daddys girl because he dresses her,baths her and plays with her.
Of course she wants you your her mum and at 5 weeks old she is so little and bf is not just food but she feels safe and comforted whilst being bf.
He needs to totally support you not give you grief.
Also sometimes it does feel like your bf all the time but it doesnt last long.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/01/2017 00:42

Hadenough risks of food poisoning so if you've already finished feeding then you're fine. I really don't understand why we have to pretend that FF is as good as BF to save people's feelings. BFing is better, it just is.

But people make their own decisions and shouldn't feel guilty unless you're beating them or something!

Chelazla · 01/01/2017 00:44

I totally disagree, about home being controlling or a bully. Scottish your first post articulates what I was thinking well! Not to go off Sunday but also intrigued about the risk of ff??

Ohdearducks · 01/01/2017 00:46

You carry on you're doing great, I'm breastfeeding and my DP has a lovely relationship with our DD.
He plays with her, cuddles her and changing nappies, sings to her and takes her on walks.
Your DH is being selfish and talking bollocks.

Zeb81 · 01/01/2017 00:50

Bathing, changing, cuddles and songs were how my husband got his one to one time with both mine when tiny. He is feeling a bit left out and wanting to help but there are plenty of alternatives

Blueskyrain · 01/01/2017 00:53

I'm totally with Chelazla here. I also think that feeding should be decided by both parents - a botttle of expressed would make him feel more involved and would give the OP a break.

AuntMabel · 01/01/2017 00:55

HIBU. You are entering growth spurt territory which is probably why baby is cluster feeding so regularly. Has he read up breastfeeding stages? Why does he think FF will equal more sleep? There are plenty of ways he can bond with her aside from feeding time.

QuandryQueen · 01/01/2017 00:57

I suppose if a feed is the only thing that settles her and he cannot do that he may feel at a loss when she is upset.

iniquity · 01/01/2017 00:58

Risks of formula feeding after a quick google appear to be increased risk of infections, SIDS, obesity and diabetes for the infant and for the mother increased risk of breast cancer.
I think your dh should find another way to bond with baby.
However there is nothing wrong with choosing to ff, everyone has the right to make their own parenting choices. Nor is it better to let a baby starve.

JoyfulAndTriumphant · 01/01/2017 00:58

I have a question. Sorry to derail.

I didnt attempt to breastfeed my daughter, who has just turned two. She will be 2.5 when DC2 is born.

I wanted to try breastfeeding this time round, but genuinely don't see how I can with a toddler?! My friend is breastfeeding at the moment and seems to just spend hours on the couch feeding her DS (her first baby). How can I do that and be fair to my toddler? What's she supposed to do in that time? How do people manage that?