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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to breastfeed?

147 replies

BeakyFlapdoodle · 31/12/2016 22:41

My DH wants to bottle feed our 5 week old.
He says that he's unable to bond with our daughter because all she wants is me and my boobs. He doesn't like that he's unable to settle her when she cries.
He says that formula is just as good and that I'm 'killing myself' for no real reason. (I'm not. DD is going through what I assume is a growth spurt and has fed every hour today and last night. She's normally three hourly, which I think is pretty good and manageable..?!)
DH says we should give her formula last thing at night and we'll get more sleep (he's getting quite a lot of sleep Hmm ) he's been out to buy bottles and formula 'just incase'.

At the moment there's no other way of settling her. Is this normal? She's a contented little baby and is gaining weight well. I'm really enjoying feeding her.

Feeling my confidence slip away a bit as he's being so unsupportive.

Advice?

OP posts:
Chelazla · 31/12/2016 23:02

Gamer chick why are you swearing so you go off like that in rl? I've seen both points of view and offered an opinion isn't that the idea?

Cherryskypie · 31/12/2016 23:03

So he wants to give formula so he can settle her but he also wants to give her formula at night so he gets more sleep when you're the one getting up to feed her Confused

FuckingSausageFingers · 31/12/2016 23:04

FFS, it's hard enough establishing bf in the early days without your own dh whinging and making it all about him. I still feed ours to sleep at night and he's 13 months. DH has been utterly, unquestionably supportive and it hasn't stopped him forming an amazing bond. Perhaps your dh could change a few more nappies or take over for winding after feeds? Don't you spend rocking/singing to DD? Or was that just us?

I really do feel like those early days were a massive team effort regardless of our feeding method- couldn't have done it without the support I got from dh and I'd have been so pissed off if he'd gone out and bought bottles, formula, etc just because he was feeling a bit left out ffs 😡 And yes, in your situation I really do think they'd have gone straight in the bin just to make my feelings perfectly clear. I'd have probably cried a lot too if I'm honest.

Congrats on your baby.

user1471446433 · 31/12/2016 23:04

Is he a prat normally or is he desperately trying to provide a 'fix' for the 'problem'?

He can bond perfectly well without being able to feed her! Maybe make sure he baths her etc (we always took small babies into the shower or bath with us - lots of skin to skin) & let him know how he can help - bring you water etc etc. OTOH to be honest some babies are just interested in mummy all o mine were for a few months, then would accept daddy & from about 18 would push me out of the way together to daddy Grin
Good luck & keep faith in your boobs!

Inadither · 31/12/2016 23:04

Oh. And if you do a bit of expressing make sure he does the leg work of washing and sterilising! Mine were determined bottle refusers though so there's no guarantee it'll be worth the effort.

user1471446433 · 31/12/2016 23:06

*to get to daddy

Soubriquet · 31/12/2016 23:06

My Dh would do the exact same thing.

And would get an earful if he tried

If you wanted to, you could express and feed that way but not yet.

Your still getting your milk established. Missing feeds could mess that up. And there no guarantee she will take a bottle either

He needs to find other ways to bond

gamerchick · 31/12/2016 23:07

Gamer chick why are you swearing so you go off like that in rl

No I swear more IRL.

QuinnPerkins · 31/12/2016 23:07

What your DH is suggesting is what we do, and DH loves to give him his bed time bottle and does feel he bonds with him, and I can go and get an hour or two sleep before they come to bed.

However, we had to do a bottle a day because I was so unwell for a few weeks after birth that I wasn't producing milk properly, so it was a necessary thing, and a bit upsetting at first. We've taken the positives from it now.

For you it's not, and you don't want to introduce formula. It sounds like BF is going really well for you, and what your DD is doing is normal for a BF baby. Don't let him erode your confidence. It's your call and it sounds like you are right.

AntiHop · 31/12/2016 23:08

My 2 year old and my partner are really well bonded. I still breastfeed now. He didn't give her a bottle of expressed breast milk until she was 4 or 5 months old. They are so close because he is a very hands on dad. He wore her in a sling a lot, cuddled her, changed her nappy. Around 4 months old we all started sleeping in the same bed.

Do not stop breastfeeding her as this is not necessary in order for him to bond with the baby.

laidbackmummy13 · 31/12/2016 23:10

. He will bond. He can do ANYTHING else. He just can't feed baby.

You want to breastfeed then you do so. However if you want to formula feed then do that!

But do not be bullied into anything!

Original poster
BeakyFlapdoodle · 31/12/2016 23:11

user not normally a prat, but always a fixer. That's exactly what it is. He sees me getting tired and wants to fix it. Just going about it in the wrong way.

chelazla thanks for your point. I don't think you're wrong at all.

cherryskypie made me laugh. Yes, precisely....!

OP posts:
AldrinJustice · 31/12/2016 23:13

Hmm tell him to eff off. BF is hard enough and you do not need that kind of talk wearing you down and convincing you otherwise. Good on you for continuing BFing. Tell him to suck it up, seems like he's being a immature little kid himself - and he can bond in other ways! Bath time, baby massage classes, burping, changing nappies etc. You're NOT killing yourself. I'm still BFing 16 month old and I'm fine.

Also throw the formula and bottles in the bin. You carry on doing what works for you and baby Flowers

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 31/12/2016 23:13

Don't change over if you don't want to. Feed your baby the way that works for you and her. Your husband can a) find other ways to bond and b) grow the fuck up. It's not about him.

DesignedForLife · 31/12/2016 23:15

When she's had a good feed, pass her over for cuddles and get him to settle her to sleep... and let him do it, don't jump in too quickly if she's crying. Cuddles, rocking, singing etc. He needs to find his groove with her and it doesn't have to involve feeding at this point. That's what has worked with DH (DD fed exclusively for 12 months, mixed bottle and breast till 18 months l, DS exclusive BF at 3 months and going strong).

You are doing great, and every 3 hours with some cluster feeding is normal at that age.

DesignedForLife · 31/12/2016 23:17

And really, do pass her over and go have a nice bath/sleep. Leave him to it. DH had to insist to start with with me, as DD wouldn't stop crying, but he found a special daddy hug and jiggle that calmed her every time.

DingyDillDong · 31/12/2016 23:19

You are doing an amazing job, well done OP. I've not read the full thread yet so some of my suggestions may have already been said further up.

I'm still breastfeeding DS who is 21 months. It is hard when they go through growth spurts and DH wanted to help. When he was about two months we tried a bottle of expressed milk and he would take it. We persisted and eventually tried formula but he never wanted a bottle, only breast!

For what it's worth, DH and DS are best friends. I hardly get a look in unless he wants feeding. Perhaps your OH could sit next to you while you feed and hold the baby's hand? We tried that when DS was a few weeks so that he would settle with DH, which he did. Or have you tried baby massage? Your DH could do that after bath time and then read a story together before bed.

Recently, DS had a huge operation and feeding went back to hourly for a couple of months. It was like having a newborn and really tough, but he still followed DH around and you can see how much they love each other.

Carry on with whatever you want to do, there are many other ways for them to bond.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 31/12/2016 23:24

I'm so sorry that your DH is not supporting you. You sound like you're doing a great job and the BFing is going well. I agree with others, he needs to make an effort to bond in other ways. Does he seriously think that there are millions of breastfed babies the world over (and throughout history) who are unable to bond with their fathers? Hmm

I suspect that he sees you BFing and that it's an "easy" way for you to bond and soothe your baby and he wants the same. Breastfeeding is a wonderful tool and can be a bit of a cure-all, but there's no sense in you stopping that just because your DH is unable to replicate it for hinself.

He just needs to put in some legwork. My DD (7 months) is a boob fanatic. Can't get enough. BUT she is also a total daddy's girl. The two are not mutually exclusive. My DH has put a lot of effort into building a relationship with her in other ways (changing, cuddling, playing, singing to her, taking her to baby sensory, taking her swimming) and it has paid off.

FATEdestiny · 31/12/2016 23:25

Gotta love a breastfeeding verses formula feeding thread. Way to pitch mums against mums.

if my dh wanted this by ds 4 I would have wept with relief. older wiser and totally fucking knackered.

I also have four children. I'm with Footinmouthasusual completely.

How you feed your child really is not as precious as you imagine. Just as the method of giving birth also doesn't matter, but is used as a way to pitch mums verses mum and develop feelings of unnecessary guilt.

Gwlondon · 31/12/2016 23:30

Don't change anything until you want to. It might happen that your DH doesn't do as much as he think he will.

My DH wasn't supportive of breastfeeding for a long time. It didn't mean he helped more. It just meant he was critical and asking me to express when it wasn't going to help. (I hadn't established my supply yet). He was very unhelpful.

Don't change anything until you want to. I think sometimes it takes H longer to get used to it.

OnTheUp13 · 31/12/2016 23:33

@FATEdestiny no one is saying she shouldn't FF feed if she wants to!

dustarr73 · 31/12/2016 23:34

Do what I did,put up a rota and see how he likes it and then.All mine didn't take too bottles.They don't like change.

myelfnameisffs · 31/12/2016 23:35

Sounds like you're doing great and he needs to get lost tbh.

If baby and you are happy and doing well he needs to support you and find other ways to 'bond'.

This first bit is hard when baby wants to feed so much, but it won't last forever!

Congratulations and yanbu. Flowers

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/12/2016 23:36

So he wants to feed her in a way that's more expensive, less good and has risks. Because he can't work out that cuddles are also bonding.

Tell him to stop solutioning and chill out.

Chelazla · 31/12/2016 23:37

I just think your dh sounds nice I think dismissing his feelings and binning bottles etc is harsh when he's genuinely trying to help and obviously loves you both lots! Hope you find something that worksFlowers