To want to breastfeed?

[BeakyFlapdoodle]

My DH wants to bottle feed our 5 week old.
He says that he's unable to bond with our daughter because all she wants is me and my boobs. He doesn't like that he's unable to settle her when she cries.
He says that formula is just as good and that I'm 'killing myself' for no real reason. (I'm not. DD is going through what I assume is a growth spurt and has fed every hour today and last night. She's normally three hourly, which I think is pretty good and manageable..?!)
DH says we should give her formula last thing at night and we'll get more sleep (he's getting quite a lot of sleep ) he's been out to buy bottles and formula 'just incase'.

At the moment there's no other way of settling her. Is this normal? She's a contented little baby and is gaining weight well. I'm really enjoying feeding her.

Feeling my confidence slip away a bit as he's being so unsupportive.

Advice?

I have 4 too. All were shit at mixed feeding, or I was shit at it. I'm not sure. Introducing a bottle meant stopping bf in 1-2 weeks in each case. That's fair enough if the mother wants to ff, but in the majority of cases it's the mother doing most feeds due to being on mat leave and so it's the mother who will ultimately end up making up bottles, washing, sterilising, taking formula on outings so really the mother should have the last word in most families imo.

Depends on the child Joy. DD was a very efficient feeder. But some aren't. And you do spend some time establishing feeding at the beginning. Do you have a partner or family who could help in the early days?

I just wanted to add that we mix fed from about 12 weeks because I as struggling with feeding and also so my husband could help settle. It worked a bit but to be honest he's now 5 months and the bottle just won't settle him in the same way the boob will - he knows the difference and it's not just the milk he wants when he's upset. My husband is brilliant still for settling because he has the strength to rock and cuddle for hours whereas I get tired too quickly

Yes I do, DH will take three weeks paternity leave as I'll be recovering from a c section. My mum will be around, as will MIL.

However, I don't want to constantly palm off DD in favour of the new baby. I am already concerned about her feeling pushed out and will go to great lengths to try to ensure that doesn't happen.

Maybe I am overthinking. I do that.

mrsterrypratchett you don't understand the guilt associated with being unable to breastfeed unless you've experienced it (as I did first time around). It's truly horrendous. It's better to be kind to people who have issues with it than to shove 'breast is best' down their throats. Breast isn't always best, nor is it always possible.
I'm lucky that BF has been easy this time around and I'm not interested in the FF vs BF debate. My DS was FF and is bright as a button. My only interest is in whether I need to consider my DH feelings when it comes to feeding OUR baby. He has one preference, I have another. Why do I get to make the decision?

joyful my DS has just turned 2. I had exactly the same worries, but shouldn't have wasted my energy!
It's just worked this time. DS loves his sister and we spend lots of time reading/watching CBeebies/making train tracks while I'm feeding. Life is quieter in that we're not constantly running around seeing friends or going to classes etc, so in a way I have more time with him. Don't worry

OP, I think it's actually sweet that your DH is so keen to be close to and bond with the baby. He's just doing what he knows, because the discussion generally is breast of formula.

I really think you should consider expressing for just an evening feed. If you express before you go to bed, 10pm or so, DH can be the one to get up in the middle of the night and bond while you get some much deserved rest. Baby will probably sleep longer with a big bottle full of breastmilk. Mine do anyway. You'll be better rested and DH will be happy.

Do some research about nipple confusion. As long as you use a slow flow teat it won't be an issue. And even then, babies love the closeness and comfort of breastfeeding so you don't need to worry about one or two expressed milk feeds per night.

This is DH's experience too and we women are very lucky we get that special breastfeeding opportunity - you absolutely should not stop until you feel ready - but I can see how it must be a little hard for a father who wants to be equally involved.

So what's the answer? We all pretend we don't know that breastfeeding is better? Of course formula is adequate and a great option if you can't/don't want to BF. It is only marginally worse and I think we need to stop pushing guilt on people while also recognizing that there is best practice.

Otherwise it's all, "aw hun. Your bubs your rules. Front to sleep, smoke because it's stressful to stop, if he doesn't like the car seat, have him on your lap, tea in his bottle".

Post truth.

Also, ignore half of what I am saying. Ironically, I'm in a terrible mood because I was up half the night with a very small baby. I'm supporting a very young mum and the lack of sleep is taking it's toil.

Because I work with young mothers I hear a lot about what 'someone' told them was OK and it scares the crap out of me. For the record I never pressure any of them to BF.

Given that post truth means ‘relating to or denoting circumstances in which objective facts are less influential in shaping public opinion than appeals to emotion and personal belief' one could argue that there is the objective fact that some women, despite their best efforts, cannot breast feed but are objectively crushed by the breast is best people. The emotive and personal belief ways in far more than the ability/functionality of the baby and the mother. Breast is best is accurate scientifically but its generally usage is far closer to post truth.

The straw men arguments are irrelevant.

Cross post with the terrible mood post comment.

Good luck and yes, the someone told them it was OK thing is terrifying.

I was talking with a friend the other day (both of us exclusively breastfeeding) and we were both musing that our DHs are much more skilled at settling the babies using a range of techniques (rocking, singing, white noise, different positions), whereas we only have one (albeit V successful option) -milk. Both DHs feel confident with the babies and are involved day and night.

At the moment, during the nights, DH often changes baby ' between boobs' or gives the post breastfeeding cuddles before settling baby into crib.

My lo is 5 months ebf and has a fantastic relationship with my oh. He gets the excitement went she seems him. Smiles giggles arms and legs going nuts... I get open mouth as if to say why am I not feeding. Oh changes nappies, bathes, cuddles talks to, sings songs. Bonding has a lot more to do with interaction rather than whether milk comes from a boob or a bottle! I would say to your DH is he going to be willing to get up every hour to do night feeds? I gave into pressure to swap to formula with my first bf baby and it made no difference. She's nearly two and still gets up every few hours for a bottle of milk. If ebf is what you want to do, stick to your guns. Join a fb group, it's made my journey this time round easier to deal with the stresses of ebf! It's a hard road but totally rewarding 💐

I'm with your DH on this one. Not a "selfish twonk" at all.
Lovely that he wants to be involved and share the feeding.

If and only if you do want your baby to take a bottle at some point, introducing before 6 weeks is recommended or they may never take a bottle, which isn't an issue if you never plan to bottlefeed. If you do decide to give a bottle a night make sure you drop the 11-12ish feed not the 2-3am one as the early morning feed is very important in maintaing your supply. For us it was important that DD took a bottle as she had to go to childcare one day a week from 4 weeks but the expressing, freeing, sterliaing was a massive faff that wouldn't have been worth it just for a few hrs more sleep, although it has been great to have some evenings out this Christmas now she's older, but if you don't want to then don't!

DH always bathed DD topless & had skin to skin with her after the bath, perfect way to bond & for me to have a little break.
I think you'd regret it if you let him talk you into stopping, it's so much easier to BF & there's no guarantee she'd sleep any longer anyway!

But there's so many other ways to be involved, why does it have to be feeding?

I agree with a lot of what TerryPratchett is saying. It's disingenuous to pretend that breast milk does not provide the best nutrition for a baby. That's not a judgement on women who can't or won't breastfeed. It's not a declaration that formula is poison. It doesn't invalidate the reasons why breastfeeding may not be a viable option for some women.

When you're writing to somebody who's DH is pressuring her to potentially stop BFing (introducing a bottle of mixed feeding could threaten what sounds like a very successful BFing attempt) when part of his reasoning is that "formula is just as good" it is a valid point to pick up on and isn't simply banging the BF drum for no reason.

"Feeling my confidence slip away a bit as he's being so unsupportive." OP, it's difficult to read this statement from a mother and not conclude that her partner is selfish.

OP, you asked if it's normal for your baby to only want to settle BFing. The answer is yes. Not all babies are like this of course, but there's no cause for concern at all if yours is. During growth spurts babies can feed what feels like constantly, but if you're happy with the way things are going and it suits you then there is no reason to stop. Check out the Kelly Mom website for some brilliant advice.

It would be a shame to stop doing something that is amazing for your baby both in terms of nutrition and getting comfort simply because it suits your DH better. There are other ways for him to bond with the baby.

DH needs to stop thinking about it from his point of view and see it from the baby's (and your) perspective. You're both doing what comes naturally and best for baby. Has he taken a moment to think about the unrivalled Heath and immunity benefits from the breast milk you are happy to provide? Or would he rather deprive the baby (and his wife) of all that just so he doesn't feel "left out". It's completely normal for him to feel left out and useless but he can either sulk about it or man up and support you both and try rocking baby to sleep or taking out in a baby carrier for a walk etc.

He is being selfish - it is out of ignorance rather than anything else but it is still selfish to make it about him bonding when breastfeeding is better for the baby and so much more convenient for you down the line. As a pp said, its not about breast vs formula or to make anyone feel guilty about using formula but we can't ignore all the research that clearly indicates breast is best.

I EBF (my daughter is 10 weeks old) and my husband has had no troubles bonding with our daughter. He can often settle her better than me (as I rely on breast but he does so many other things) and is absolutely fantastic with her. Aside from feeding, he does absolutely everything with her and also keeps her when I need some rest.

If you really do feel the need, express a bottle per day and let him give it - I tried this with my husband in the earlier days but it was too tiring dealing with the cleaning, sterilising and time taken to express when I could just put her on the breast so we dropped it within 10 days. He gives her the occasional bottle of expressed milk if I am out but she has a clear preference for the breast. This doesn't bother either of us as it is so easy to feed her and we don't have to deal with bottles or waiting for milk to warm up, cool down etc on a daily basis.

Show your husband the research on why breastfeeding is better for mum and baby and also the convenience of it as baby gets older. As his heart is in the right place, he should see your point of view if he is aware of all the facts.

Giving a bottle of formula at night is not a magic recipe for longer sleep!! Stick to your guns!!

Splod, OP wouldn't need to freeze for a few extra hours sleep. Breastmilk is fine at room temp for 6-8 hours under 27C.

One thing he can't do for his little DD. One thing. Everything else he can do. Forget arguing about breast or bottle, this baby is breastfed. For this little while during a growth spurt he can have all the time she isn't on the boob, to give you a break and a chance to sleep.

Your dh is putting his own needs before yours and your dd. He doesn't need to bottle feed your dd to bond with her, that's not the only way to bond with a baby. You're doing really well feeding her, it's not easy at this stage and it's very tiring but you will regret it if you put her into formula just so he can bond with her. It gets a lot easier. He is being selfish.

Formula milk is not just as good as breast milk and I say that as someone who is now formula feeding my baby.
Op you're doing really well and your 5 week old sounds perfectly normal
Haven't had a chance to read all of the comments but could you express enough for one feed a day (probably 3oz) so your husband could do the bedtime feed and you could go to bed early?
I do think he's being selfish though by not supporting you. When we were trying to establish feeding my husband would try to help me position the baby and we cheered together when we got the occasional latch, he was just as involved as me.