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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Women who are single and have no children, post 45?

117 replies

missmase8 · 09/12/2016 19:34

This is what I'm facing so I'm not being nasty. I'm just wondering if loneliness is inevitable and things like holidays and so on (I know you can go alone but this isn't for me) any advice?

OP posts:
Lostpangolin · 09/12/2016 19:37

You may not always be single and hopefully have some good friends. It's only inevitable if you allow it to be

Original poster
missmase8 · 09/12/2016 19:37

Well I think I will really, I've never had a relationship. I do have friends but they have husbands and children. So these come first.

OP posts:
AwfulSomething · 09/12/2016 19:39

I am nearly there and couldn't be happier! Lonely? Nope. Never been lonely.

Temporaryname137 · 09/12/2016 19:41

I think it will depend on you and what you make of it, to be honest. If you get out there and do things like singles walking holidays and volunteer at a charity and join some social groups, it's a lot less likely.

It's a fact that having kids and a partner doesn't guarantee you won't be lonely one day. So the advice "it's what you make it " does apply to everyone. It's just more effort when you're single, unfortunately.

TheRollingCrone · 09/12/2016 19:45

All my older childless friends are having the time of their lives! They have disposable income, travel, study and they all look 100 years younger than me

gamerwidow · 09/12/2016 19:48

Don't forget there are women your age in unhappy relationships or estranged from their now adult children. Being married with children isn't an automatic ticket to happiness. Even if you are lonely sometimes you'll have a freedom those tied down in relationships can only dream of.

PickledCauliflower · 09/12/2016 19:57

There are people in marriages / relationships that feel lonely.
Family life can be great - and not so. I would focus on what makes you happy now, if someone comes along to share it with that's fab, but there is a great life to be had with or without a partner.

NicknameUsed · 09/12/2016 19:59

I know quite a few old people who are are widows/widowers whose children never have anything to do with them. Having a family offers no guarantees.

Original poster
missmase8 · 09/12/2016 20:02

I know.

But if you've no career, no children, no partner, then studying and travelling isn't really possible, I suppose it's like anything else if you can afford it all is good :)

OP posts:
Chickenagain · 09/12/2016 20:04

I'm over 50, no children, no partner and life is fabulous. Three of my friends are in the same situation, professional, attractive women who make our own entertainment and live life to the max!

Original poster
missmase8 · 09/12/2016 20:05

Hmm well I'm not professional or attractive!

OP posts:
NicknameUsed · 09/12/2016 20:05

Why can't you study? Does it have to be an expensive degree course? What about evening classes in a foreign language or an interest or hobby?

Doobigetta · 09/12/2016 20:08

The words I think of when I hear single, 45 and childless are "freedom", "choice", "options" and "control". Not "loneliness". Enjoy! Smile

GrandDesespoir · 09/12/2016 20:09

I don't think loneliness is inevitable (although it can be hard work to avoid) and, depending on your temperament, there will probably be patches of loneliness.

It does piss me off slightly that single childless women seem to be expected to mop up after other people - adopt unwanted children, do charity work, volunteer - while other people get credit for forming "hard-working families" and also get all the tax breaks.

OobryJoobry · 09/12/2016 20:12

In terms of holidays, I've had some great trips with both Explore and Exodus when single. They organise both run group trips with all sorts of people on them. It's not luxury and is very much off the beaten track, but is a great way to see different parts of the world.

IrenetheQuaint · 09/12/2016 20:15

I am single and childless but 'only' 39, so not quite in your bracket. I have several friends in the same position who are over 45, and it can be hard - especially when your parents die and there is nothing to replace them in your life.

However, having good friends and lots of interests is key and it is very, very possible to live a happy and fulfilling life.

DailyMailyFaily · 09/12/2016 20:20

I'm marred with adult kids but have single friends who don't have kids. I think whether or not you are lonely depends on your individual circumstances and your personality. Maybe you have to be proactive about meeting people if that suits you and is what you want.

Do you do any sports? I find sports (badminton and tennis a great way to socialize and have fun).

stabbypokey · 09/12/2016 20:21

I think it does depend on choice. I have never wanted children and I am happier on my own. So I don't feel as though I'm missing out, I never get the head tilt from friends as they know me very well.

I don't volunteer or am part of groups, because (apart from my thirties) I have mostly been single so I have looked after my friendships really well. I make sure I suggest dates and things to do. Friends with kids it tends to be their houses, so I feel guilty that they always cook for me and relieved that I don't have their life.

If you want a partner, then it doesn't just happen, it's a numbers game so get out there!

NannyR · 09/12/2016 20:25

I'm in a similar situation and I love it, I have freedom to do what I want when I want, I can spoil my niece's and nephews rotten! I do feel now, that having lived on my own for so long I would find it very difficult to start to share my living space (and my life and time as well) with someone else.

I travel a lot on my own, sometimes on small group tours - Exodus are great - there are a good mix of singles, couples and friends, all ages, sometimes I make my own arrangements and go solo. I have the mindset that, yes, travelling on your own is sometimes hard and going somewhere with a friend or partner is much better, but if the alternative is just sitting at home and never seeing new places/ having new experiences, then I'll take the tough bits and make the most of it.
I don't have a professional job and I'm not a high earner by any means, living on your own is expensive in that the bills are the same but there's only one wage earner paying them, however I manage to save enough to enable me to have a good holiday each year.

Plicky · 09/12/2016 20:30

This website might be of interest to you, OP.

gateway-women.com The founder is an engaging speaker and talks about creating a 'meaningful and fulfilling life without children'.

Lanaorana1 · 09/12/2016 20:30

I am - I feel lucky.

The freedom is delicious, and everyone I know uses their time really well. You just live a more interesting life, somehow.

And if you do feel a bit solitary sometimes, remember what no one tells you about being single: it's a million times better than being in a bad relationship or going through a divorce. Or being dumped with 3 kids who you didn't really want to bring up alone. People don't generally admit this stuff, but it's out there, and more common than not.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 09/12/2016 20:31

I'll be there in 10 years time. When I can enjoy my freedom with (hopefully) more money than I have now. So I can't wait.

Independence is the best-kept secret. My mother wishes she could have her time again and not get married/have children at all, especially not young. And no, that doesn't offend me in the slightest.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 09/12/2016 20:32

I actually don't know how the fuck I would have the time to fit in children and a partner. I would certainly miss the space, peace and quiet to think and read.

Lorelei76 · 09/12/2016 20:35

OP "But if you've no career, no children, no partner, then studying and travelling isn't really possible"
?????

You mean money surely? There's lots of free study about.
I am 40, didn't want children all along, mid 30s realised I don't suit partnership. I go away with friends, some are married with kids. I love my life and as I get older I feel lucky that my wants were those. Well there was other stuff I wanted...but didn't get. But I love my life. I'm not rich but I budget and save very carefully indeed and get what I need. I used to have a senior management job which is how I got a mortgage but I hated it and stepped down after spending a while doing that and another job to build up savings.

Lorelei76 · 09/12/2016 20:37

Chicken, I look back at my partnered up days and realised I only fitted them in at cost to mental health, and they felt sidelined. Not good for any of us but it took me a while to get my head round preferring single childfree life because it's not a popular concept any more.