Women who are single and have no children, post 45?

[missmase8]

This is what I'm facing so I'm not being nasty. I'm just wondering if loneliness is inevitable and things like holidays and so on (I know you can go alone but this isn't for me) any advice?

I agree with Zaphod, it's about looking for small things to make you happy. No-one has a perfect life whether married or unmarried, with DC or without them.

What you have is the freedom to choose how you lead your life and that is immense. You can live wherever you like, change jobs and spend your spare time how you like. I suspect you feel as though you are drifting along in a life you don't really want. I'd suggest you draw up a 1, 2 and 5 year plan for all aspects of your life and actively work towards it.

And you are never too old to learn new skills - I'm in my fifties and have just started part time accountancy training so that I can do bookkeeping as a sideline. Youtube and Futurelearn are fabulous free training resources on pretty much any subject you require.

In your shoes I'd be off to live and work abroad for at least a year like a shot!

TeaForever - Nurturing and being mother to abandoned animals is a magnificent thing to do. If you can engage in the 'language' of a cat or dog and establish communication, then you have a marvellous gift. Communication & understanding have different pathways, it does not have to be verbal.

Also most people need goals in their life. So set some goals.
In terms of holidays, I have been involved in womens walking groups in the past, and they go away group holidays. There may be other activity groups that do the same.

I know women (and 1 man) is this situation who are very happy, this is what characterises them

they have very easy characters, ergo people like them
loads of friends, I mean loads! and they maintain their friendships
they do a lot of things, ie they have a lot of cultural interests and have a lot of vacations

and good for them I saw, I am very very fond of these 4 people that I know

You sound unhappy already, so I don't think age or lack of children matters. Similarly having a partner won't necessarily make you happy. But you sound like you need to do something. Money does help. But there are plenty of things you could do without much. Look for free training or studying you could do if you would like to change jobs. Volunteer in an area you are interested in and you are likely to find people with similar interests and make new friendships. I was looking into volunteering recently and was suprise just how many opportunities there are and how varied they are. And many only need a few hours a month. I think if you felt you were making a difference somehow you would feel more positive in general

so how do you live OP? what do you do all day? genuinely curious

The important thing is how you feel?
Do you want children, a husband? If you don't want these things and are happy as you are, don't let society make you feel that you must Have a husband/ children to live a fulfilling life.

Xx

A poster said to OP "You sound unhappy already". That may be true, because sometimes grief lasts all your lifetime. If there has been a serious blip in a person's development and experience, it is a fault-line that stays with that person forever.

It was seen in those who survived WW2 as PoWs in German camps, for example, or survived a devastation of some kind when a sibling died. However good life may become for them later on, they are always in touch with their grief which comes to them suddenly, at the most inappropriate times. OP's earlier life changed what she could have become or gained.

All you can do is deal with the fault-line, just as California has to deal with the San Andreas fault-line from time to time.

But you know OP, sometimes you have to be aggressive and say to those who mangled your early life: Fuck you, you don't get to win because I'm still standing. And then resolve to impose yourself - by which I mean, if you pretend to be more confident than you are, just by acting it, there will be come a time when you actually do have that confidence.

Part of my post above is also to TeaForever.

I'm relatively newly single at 45, and also child-free. I am incredibly lonely. I am trying to get out and meet people but I am very shy and struggle with small talk. My parents are gone, no siblings, no school-gate mum friends. It's tough and I can go the whole weekend not speaking to another human being from the moment I leave work on Friday until I get back in again on Monday. I've tried volunteering but it didn't work out and made me feel like I was working a 7 day week. Paying all the bills on my own means I have little left at the end of the month.

OhBliss it sounds as though you havent yet adjusted to being single. I am childfree by choice, became single a few years ago and moved to a new area, 200 miles from home, where I knew no one and did not know the area at all. After I moved I made a real effort to join clubs and go along to anything that was happening. I now have new friends from table tennis, horse riding, dog walking, boules, skittles, wildlife events and camera club! As well as my old friends. I also online-dated and met a lovely bloke I see at weekends. I am someone who is happy in my own company so alone-time is heavenly for me. Lack of money doesnt stop you from studying (Open University did free courses/library/look into student loans). There is lots to do in my area without money- fossil hunting on the coast, beautiful walks, events with coffee are just £3 per evening. I really feel that being childfree is a blessing - I would hate to be trapped by marriage and children-and I hope you and the OP can turn things round and be happy in your skin again.

PS I understand about the being shy thing, can you find clubs with small groups of like minded people so its easier to chat?

Older than you, OP and have one adult child, long since established in her own home and family.
I am very busy. I do a lot of things I enjoy.
Sometimes I am lonely. I miss my baby and wish I could give her a hug.
I remember being lonely when I was married.
This stuff happens.
No need to fear your future. Just carry on having a good time.

OhBliss, join classes, groups, go to meetings. Look at MeetUp. Where are you situated?

I can see how, for example, working in a charity shop might seem like working and not getting much back from it. But there are other types. Help the aged has a befriending scheme for example. I guess it might feel ironic to do that if you are lonely also. But you could certainly empathise.

I'm 50 next month (AAAAGH!) and am single with no children.

I agree with much of what's already been said. I'm pretty much living the dream. I'm not lonely, not celibate (I have an eye for pretty boys in their mid thirties; fortunately there are lots), have a great job, enough money to do what I want to do. It's gonna take one amazing guy to change that but, if he comes along, I'll rethink.

While that suits me, I realise that it's not for everyone and do feel sad for anyone who isn't happy with their life.

For the OP, I think that there has been some good advice on here—as always—which I hope will help.

Hope everyone finds their dream

S xx

I started looking for new things to do before my husband left, as it was getting increasingly lonely wthin the marriage. I'd tried finding friends through activities before without much luck when I was in my 30s. Actually I've found that after 45 there are more people about who have divorced or lost their partners or feel lonely with them and (with children leaving home) are looking for new friends.

Now I've had more luck with activities, and it is partly thanks to my mood. Counselling and ADs left me feeling a lot more positive, and that alone has made me much more confident and able to stick at things or give them up without feeling worse. As a result I've tried a lot more things - rambling, dance, board games club, book club, Zumba, responding to ads by others my age wanting to do activities, inviting the neighbours round, online dating. Some things have stuck or led to friendships. Without that confidence I'd probably not have tried most or would have been put off by the ones that didn't work, feeling like I'd failed. Now I can shrug it off and remember the successes. And I've done other things I fancied doing on my own (which admittedly require cash) - travelling, studying, going to the cinema alone, going to a conference in my field, taking up my old hobby of art again.

I think it's important not to give up just because some things don't work, and never to think "Well, now I've got a friend/hobby, that's that!" but instead to keep on looking so you have a broad base of things to do if one thing ends.

I'm 52 and childless, though married. The majority of my friends are my age or older (up to their 70s) and also childless, and are mostly single for various reasons, including being a widow, preferring just to date, or just not being particularly fussed about having a partner.

When I look at them as a group, what I see is a wonderfully diverse group of capable talented women with wonderful friends, who are living varied lives but all very much on their terms. Of course, there are glitches (show me a human who doesn't have those) but on the whole they are leading rich, fulfilled lives.

To give you a snapshot :-

Widow, 60s. Runs her own business (very specialist in the entertainment industry). Highly regarded. Travels all over the world, often at short notice with her work. Also finds time to run a small charity in her hometown, be an expert gardener, have two lurchers, and be a superb dowser.

Single, just turned 60. Retired from BT, noted local amateur historian, keen traveller (just off to New Zealand), ninja chutney maker, keen crafter and baker, chair of school governors.

Widow, mid 60s. Just retired from a specialist HGV fleet transport role. Does voluntary week weekly plus is organising big community festival later this year. Has travellled extensively including doing VSO in Ethiopia.

Friend, late 40s, single, never married, enjoys dating. Just nursed her father through his last illness while holding down full time job and going through breast cancer herself. Keen traveller (planning a couple of UK short breaks with me later this year) plus milestone birthday meetup in NY next year.

Friend, early 50s. Has lived and worked all over the world and is currently in UK, in senior management role in energy industry. Highly regarded dog trainer with huge amount of friends in dog world. Has represented her country in dog sports and is likely to adopt high level team coaching role shortly.

Hope this helps to remind you that being single and/or childless shouldn't be a barrier to an enjoyable life, with plenty of friends and meaningful activities.

Thank you Diana Dors88 it sounds like you really do understand how earlier damage can last many years, and prevent us from reaching our potential. I also love what you say about animals. I definitely think animals are a big part of my calling. Your comments really did help.

OhBliss bless you. Almost everything I said to the OP applies to you too. Again, I reckon there are wonderful & amazing things ahead for you. Do take care x

This is a great, inspirational thread with some very positive posts. However, there are a couple of issues which bother me as a childless and (part time) single woman over 50.

What happens if you get cancer or have a nervous breakdown? Who will support you emotionally and give practical help? Granted, you might have good friends, but if they have careers and/or families they will be too busy for you. As they say, blood is thicker than water and their families will always come first.

The other issue is the old chestnut of being alone in old age.

I am in a long term relationship but we have never lived together and to be honest I think we will split. I am tired of his mind games and low level abuse which I have mentioned elsewhere on MN. He is also trying to push me into life changing decisions but I value my personal and financial independence too much.

I have no siblings and lost my DM at the end of last year. Her death hit me hard and I still miss her terribly especially when DP is being an arsehole. I suffered serious depression many years ago and cannot imagine dealing with either that or a life threatening illness on my own.

I do have friends (not enough though) and think I could be happy being single if it weren't for the nagging 'what if' thoughts.

My sister in law got a dog almost two years ago to help with the loneliness. This year shes been on holiday with us, her parents and her friends. Hopefully she will come with us next year as we really enjoyed her company, as did the kids.

Not quite 45 but not too far off - I have children but just went on a weekend away with my group of single, childfree friends and came back so envious of their freedom and the options that are open to them - they go on amazing holidays - a couple of them ski, another uses a month of annual leave each year to do regular voluntary work at a hospital in Uganda. They can eat out, move anywhere in the world to work and just grab opportunities that arise without worrying about the effect of their decisions on others. I adore my children but if I had my time again, I'd delay having them because I have scuppered my chances of doing any of the above until they have left home (15 years to go.... by which time I may well just be too knackered!)

Starshine, myself and my husband and our children would absolutely look after my sister in law if anything ever happens to her healthwise. She's eighteen years older so we are younger but our kids also absolutely adore her and no matter what she would be cared for.

Do you have siblings or nieces and nephews? My friends aunt has actually just wrote in her will I think it was, what she wants to happen to her in certain situations if she becomes ill

I have a friend who is mid 40s, divorced and no kids. It’s what she would have chosen for herself.
But she’s awesome and wonderful, throws herself into work and friends, puts herself out there (when I went to visit her I went with her to an alumni talk she would have happily gone to by herself),has a dog who she adores and volunteers in a shelter. She has a great life and certainly makes the best of life not turning out as she’d planned

I’m a Mum in her 30’s and my most favourite fun people of all time are my friends in their 40’s with no DC’s.

54, single no kids. I never wanted marriage and kids. Im happy and content - would never live with someone again.
I was reading another thread where a woman was complaining about her dp not cleaning up after himself and it made me shudder. I know i will never have that problem again. I have a 30 year old "gentleman caller". Thats enough for me. My friendships are so important but i like a lot of alone time. My money is my own and i spend how i like. A lot of people fear growing old alone but the reality for most women is their male partners will die before them, leaving them alone in their later years. Just check the care homes and see how the women outnumber the men. Fear of loneliness is actually the enemy here.