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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Women who are single and have no children, post 45?

117 replies

missmase8 · 09/12/2016 19:34

This is what I'm facing so I'm not being nasty. I'm just wondering if loneliness is inevitable and things like holidays and so on (I know you can go alone but this isn't for me) any advice?

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 16/02/2017 08:09

Another recommendation for the Gateway Women community. I have found it so incredibly supportive

OP, there are more women than ever reaching 45 without having children, for all sorts of reasons. You are in very good company, even though I know it doesn't always feel like it

Lancelottie · 16/02/2017 08:13

I read something in a weekend magazine that said the typical midlife experience for a woman with a family was one of constant, knackering, amateur psychiatric nursing for all those around her. (Might have been more elegantly put.)

That sounds so bloody familiar just now. I have teenage angsty kids, a student son with some quite severe mental health problems and a depressed other half.

Although I love them very deep down I want to run away most days and have a turn at just being me. The trivial bits - my sleep patterns, my timescale, my radio choice, my head space, my own bed, my paint choice - and my chance to go out and not worry that I'll miss another frantically distressed call from son.

I should probably delete this. You sound so sad, and it never really helps to hear that others are too. But the grass is not always greener.

FatCatFaces · 16/02/2017 08:18

I'm not in the right age bracket or situation, however...

Holidays - as others have mentioned there are plenty of group holiday companies - I used Explore and a few others in my early to mid 20's and they were great. Groups are always a mix of age and circumstance - they are not singles holidays, they are holidays for people who are travelling alone or in pairs.

Could you move? The beauty of having no committments is that you have the freedom to simplify your life and pack up at will. Could you relocate to a new area, meet some new people, new opportunities?

I don't have kids but if I wasn't in a relationship, there are at least two significant things that I would be thinking of doing right now. One is veterinary nurse training. The other is a year long wildlife ranger course in South Africa.

I think until you DO something to change the situation you will continue feeling like things will never change - and you will be right.

There's also the option of long term volunteering placements overseas. You would need a bit of money upfront, but they often provide room and board?

Be brave. Shake things up a bit.

hiccupgirl · 16/02/2017 08:40

To echo Lancelottie the grass isn't always greener.

I'm coming up to 45, have an under 10 with anxiety and a DH who has a chronic health condition. Most of my energy and headspace goes on them because it has to.

My first thought to being single and childless is also freedom to do what you want. I understand that feeling lonely is tough and volunteering may seem like more work, but you get out of things, what you put in. There are lots of ways to meet people if that's what you need more of in your life.

HappyHoliday2017 · 16/02/2017 08:41

Whether you have family, a partner or not

Find something daily that you take pleasure in and enjoy

Enjoy music

Enjoy nature

Take photos

Link on social media

Find something that makes you laugh

Sometimes the simplist things can be enjoyable

Find something that you really want to do and do it !

You never know who you will meet or what is going to happen in life

PoohBearsHole · 16/02/2017 08:44

Enjoy not having the responsibility :)

The responsibility to check everyone is happy all the time, well, eating, thinking of everyone else for holiday times, clothes, food, decoration, medication, trips out, when you can do your own hobby blah blah blah.

You can't be "selfish" with responsibility, enjoy being selfish :)

Sundance01 · 16/02/2017 08:44

I am in my early fifties and have been single since my twenties. I do have grown up children and Grandchildren though. However, I have to agree with the OP - I do think a certain amount of loneliness is almost inevitable.

I am semi-retired and whilst not wealthy can work part time and have no money concerns, I have a wide range of friends and go to a few groups and of course see my family and am very very happy.

But I do sometimes feel lonely especially when I see tickets to gigs or shows and cannot find a friend who can afford or want to come along. And I have tried travelling alone and it is not for me - so am tied again to finding other people who want to do what I do or have to pay for a holiday that I might enjoy somewhat but it not really be what I want.

However I will take this level of loneliness any day over being in a bad relationship. And in all truth, from all the relationships I see around me I see very few that I would consider an improvement on being single.

I guess I like my own way too much and am prepared to experience some loneliness to be able to do what I want, when I want every day of my life.

I do think you need to look at your life slightly differently - you do have the freedom to make any changes you may want to and to do pretty much what you want In the time you are not at work - start treating yourself - long baths with a bottle of wine and a good book, spa days, manicures etc. try a few new groups in something you are interested in - meet-up can be a place to find some in the local area.

I rarely go on holiday but do manage lots of special days out with friends and this compensates me - also when you take a few days off work spend it in bed with a box set, chocolate - more wine - and appreciate few people get to do this.

Hopefully in a few months time you will be feeling better about the future and can maybe look at making a more significant change - job, where you live, lifestyle but I think you probably need the change in mind-set first.

And as you get older sadly you find more and more people become single and opportunities to make friends and find people to spend time with start increasing again.

BarbarianMum · 16/02/2017 08:46

I have a friend who matches that description (over 45, no kids, sometimes single). Lonely is the last thing she is - shitloads of friends, hectic social life, always travelling somewhere amazing or doing a 20k challenge for charity or something.
Part of me is jealous tbh

Iggi999 · 16/02/2017 08:46

I think if you have the attitude "it's not for me" about things like holidays then you are quite likely to feel lonely and unfulfilled.
Don't write such a large area of potential experience off like that - what else are you writing off?

Purplebluebird · 16/02/2017 08:47

Play an mmo computer game and you will never be lonely! Grin

zaalitje · 16/02/2017 08:54

I'm almost there now and it sucks.
I've been single 10 years, tried blind dates OLD etc, no joy, apparently I'm no one's type.
No kids (see above)
About £200 a month disposable income after bills are paid and I need to buy food from that.
No friends locally and I've tried joining clubs but they don't seem to work- running club only wants you if you can run 10k easily, other clubs seen to have an average age of 80 . . .
I'm resigned to being a barren spinster as I can't see a way of changing it, believe me I've tried!

ravenmum · 16/02/2017 08:55

Do you feel lonely now? Would you like to be in a relationship? Why do you feel like you can't be?

What do you like doing? Are you doing those things?

EighthElement · 16/02/2017 08:58

teaforever yes, it's interesting what you say about 'mother' being a verb not a noun. What I'm learning about at the moment is the archtypes we live by and perhaps it sounds a bit what the what now but I've been coming at it a bit at a time. From Miers Briggs to Carl Jung, to Archetypes, so it's sounding less self-indulgent and more grounded by the minute!

Perhaps I've no place on this thread having two DC but [lightbulb] i still identify with OP because sometimes I feel so sociable and yet so alone I can't figure it out. Rather, I have social needs but I'm alone and I think of my future and I panic. BUT again, another but, as a PP said, when I was with my X I felt lonely and I felt stifled and restricted and controlled. So this is better. I just have to make it work for me in my future, in my old age.

Another thing I'm working on Blush is trying to become more positive and more 'charismatic' because I thought of myself as this really sociable funny person but yet I was more and more marginalised. By couple-centric society. So I'm really trying something new atm. A gear change. It's a work in progress and has been going on for about 18 months I think. I think I'm braver now. I got chatting to a woman in the library yesterday (she'd been on a similar 'path' but further behind) and I was brave enough to announce 'i'm going to send you a fb request, what's your name? my name is...''. I wouldn't have been brave enough to do that years ago. To a man or a woman. So I'm forcing myself to change. My mindset first, my behaviour as a consequence.

Some times I still get scared of old age though. I haven't got tons of money either. So like the OP whatever life I carve out for myself will have to be done on a budget!

even in Jane Austin's time there were two types of spinster! Independently wealthy ones and poor ones! lol.

Somebody said something interesting about ''following your bliss''. I'm honestly confused about what my bliss is. I do like a bloody good workout but tbh I prefer when it's done and behind me. so it's the feeling of having done it rather than doing it that I love. And I'm so average at a lot of the things I enjoy that making money from them would be delusional.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 16/02/2017 08:59

I'm 46 and have been single since I was 27 and celibate since I was 30. Childfree by choice. I genuinely don't get lonely, having someone around 24/7 would drive me absolutely batshit.

You only have to read the relationship boards on here to see many reasons why being single can be better than being in an unhappy relationship

EighthElement · 16/02/2017 09:02
EighthElement · 16/02/2017 09:06

I think my outlook has become lighter and more confident since I've started listening to these things over night. I do it about three nights a week now.

At the moment I'm alternating between motivation (to job hunt!) and doing a lucid dreams one to try and visualise my 'bliss'

Zaphodsotherhead · 16/02/2017 09:12

Kind of only on here because age qualifies me, but...once you are over fifty, even if you've had children mostly they are off living their own lives, not crowding round mum offering to take her out every weekend. But you still have that little niggle of worry in the back of your head 'what if something happens to one of them'?
So you live alone, worrying about something you can't do anything about, visiting enough to keep everyone happy but not enough to suffocate...it's stressful and tricky.
And often, because you've brought children up alone, you've been trapped in part time, dead end jobs, and once the kids leave there's nobody suddenly leaping up with a fabulous, well paid full time job. And you're old. So you live trapped in 'little jobs' in poverty. That's where I am.
You have to make your own happiness, OP. Kids, partners, money, don't do it for you. I am, despite not being able to afford to heat my house, happy. Love the little things - a cream bun, warm toes, a good programme on the telly, a new library book. That's where pleasure lies.

morningconstitutional2017 · 16/02/2017 09:12

Life is what you make it. I'm a childless widow though I have siblings nearby. I rarely feel lonely although I am alone for a good deal of the time. Belonging to a club/keeping busy helps I think.

The thought does occur to me that I will probably die alone - should I worry about it? If I'm lucky enough to get to old age I may well have carers who visit almost every day as MIL does - so hopefully won't be in the situation where I suffer illness/a fall and not found until days later.

Again, life is what you make it - a friendly network of people around you is helpful.

amusedbush · 16/02/2017 09:16

I know three women who are single and child-free in the 50 - 60 age range. Not divorced, it just didn't happen for one reason or another.

One is very bitter and can't see anyone happy about anything. She is quick to brag about her holidays and hobbies but if you mention anything good that has happened to you, she shuts down.

The other two seem content enough. Both say that they love their lives and freedom and it would take someone incredibly special for them to change it now.

TeaForever · 16/02/2017 09:19

I really do hope some of these comments have helped OP? Also, I'm so glad this thread has kept its kindness (thanks all). Anyone going through a tough time is deserving of as much kindness as possible.
Oh, and EighthElement, of course you have a place on this thread! Single mums, and single childless women (in fact all women) should definitely support each other. You're input's been great. I'll definitely watch the video you posted when I get back later.
Keep breathing, and hold on OP, things will get better for you soon. I guarantee it. All best wishes x

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/02/2017 09:24

My late step mum could probably have written something similar at your age. She had had cancer in her thirties so no prospect of children. In her 50's she met my Dad, a widower with adult children. She was a lovely grandmother to our DC when she and my Dad weren't off travelling Grin. You don't know what the future will bring so make the most of the present and embrace the opportunities that come your way.

user1477282676 · 16/02/2017 09:25

Having children doesn't protect anyone from lonlieness post 45 OP. People end up widowed too...many in their 50s or 60s...people build lives no matter who they have around them.

brasty · 16/02/2017 09:25

Women who choose to be single are the happiest group of women in Britain.
You need friends, and a social life. Also do not look at having kids and a relationship through rose tinted glasses. Which is easy to do.

DianaDors88 · 16/02/2017 09:26

If you had had children, would it have been because you wanted to continue the line, or have the experience of nurturing and guiding a young mind.

I think most of us marrieds are going to be single, either through divorce or widowhood. Some will go on to have second relationships though I notice that these do not tend to be marriages. This is the dangerous time, esp. for women, who can be taken in by all sorts of love rats, just for a share of your property and your £.

An older friend of mine, who is now 70 and lives in Brighton, never married, never had a firm relationship, is an only child herself. As she was approaching 30 she decided to go for it by herself. She 'chose' someone at work, a doctor, and slept with him a few times until she became pregnant. She had a daughter, who has 3 children of her own now.

I can't say that my friend is a happy person, but her child did give her happiness when she was younger, but now her daughter's marital problems have inevitably impacted on my friend as well as the daughter's general lack of oomph - caused, I'm certain, by being mollycoddled too much.

She lives alone, which she prefers, and she takes two coach holidays a year, sometimes with a friend, more times alone. She is a very capable woman but says that being by yourself is not very stimulating. Not everyone is a joiner of clubs, but would still like a male friend.

But as you know, living as two is less expensive, and also married woman are usually better off financially. Two working people get a bigger mortgage and a nicer property, for example, and same amount of central heating to be paid for 2 as there is for 1, etc..

Mittensonastring · 16/02/2017 09:36

I'm not in your boat but post 45 had 4 women friends and SIL who were in your position.

Two made the most of it and have great careers, there is some sadness but they live life to the full. One met a guy and married at 49, she is so loved up its amazing and wonderful. SIL become something I didn't actually believe exsisted but she is a stereotype of what I imagine a bitter spinster is and it has made someone who was difficult in to literally the most obnoxious person I have ever met. She is so nasty that I won't see her She seems to enjoy others being as unhappy as her, she relentlessly bullied both myself and her own Mother. It's what caused a rift between DH and I.