Women who are single and have no children, post 45?

[missmase8]

This is what I'm facing so I'm not being nasty. I'm just wondering if loneliness is inevitable and things like holidays and so on (I know you can go alone but this isn't for me) any advice?

Being very logical about this, OP is talking about relationships.
With kids, partner or colleagues.
So if those relationship opportunities aren't in your life, you can still create others. Via volunteering, clubs, societies, etc. Lots of charities would bite hands off for more volunteers, and the skill level required is not usually high. You don't need to be much professional or attractive :). Many of these groups have their own regular social events and even holidays. And you have a lot more choice about who you're with, it's not like being lumbered with the same holiday (partner/kids) companion for life.

All relationships take work. Your kids could disown you, your partner die, your health go bad & you have to give up work. So even those 3 usual aren't guaranteed.

My heart goes out to you OP. I'm single & childless, absolutely NOT by choice. It's complex, but some major sadnesses in my own childhood/youth have left it very difficult for me to trust men, or to form physical relationships with them. I'm one of the damaged. There are gazillions of damaged women out there, and I'm one of them.
I adore babies, and have always felt having them would heal me, and 'sort me out'. It's only recently I've realised that marriage & motherhood almost certainly isn't the great panacea after all. There are many married women with children who find life spectacularly challenging too. There are happy & unhappy people in every stage of relationship/parenting, or lack thereof.
Having said that, when you're in deep grief, it's hard to see any light. I highly recommend Gateway Women to you. An online support group for childless-by-circumstance women, set up by a lovely lady called Jody Day. You'll feel a strong sense of kinship there. It does sound to me as though you're grieving (forgive me if I'm wrong)
As for me, I'm a tiny bit younger than you, but the years keep passing by (ruddy time) and I'm getting closer to accepting my possible fate, as a single childless woman for life. I then have two choices - embrace it or mourn it. I hope I'll be able to do the former. In the meantime I'm finding pleasure in the little things - cups of tea, walks on the coast, cuddles with my animal friends... I too am a pauper, on a tiny budget. So I'm excluded from many options. But it's amazing how much pleasure can be had without much financial cost - creativity for example (writing, painting, sewing etc)
Anyway, I still haven't completely given up hope - I may yet marry and bear a child or two; so may you (the oldest natural mum was late 50s when she conceived I think) but I no longer think it's the end of the world if I don't. Take care, and look forward, as I reckon your best is yet to come! xx

A friend of mine at 48 decided she wanted to be a single mum - got IVF with donor eggs. If you're unhappy with your lot you owe it to yourself to make a change.

45 with 2 kids here and i read your post and thought 'freedom'.
To date.
Go on a singles holiday.

Go to jewellery work shops
go to meetup hikes/walks/cooking demos/book clubs
go to a yoga retreat.
That is just what i feel id do..

Good post teafforever. I get the greiving thing. I cant believe im so institutionally single. I thought my life would be more conventional.

Ps true about pleasure from small things and ' cheap' things. I alwaysthought im no good at art but now i feel the need to tap in to that side.

I have a youngish family. I have two close single friends. They run have a great life style, lots of travel and fitness stuff. They have more cash and are more able to give time/energy to looking nice. One particularly is like my sister and she stays with us quite often. She has been a bit jealous of my situation sometimes but then I've felt a bit of jealousy about her freedom sometimes. In 5or 6 years time we will do more galavanting together and have girls holidays.

Thunk about all the women you admire in history, philanthropy, literature, the arts etc. Most of them are "single childless women". A lot of them did not have the opportunity to be over 45 though! Do you ever read biographies? It might inspire you.

Go on a group holiday. Go on holiday with friends. Let people know if you have no plans for christmas etc. Build a relationship with a niece or a friends child.

You really have to make it work yourself. You get less of these things handed to you when you are alone

You don't need to have money to have a good time. Fitness is often free (walking running) and there's lots of enjoyment to be found in nature or free stuff.

Follow your bliss.
You are beautiful and can have a beautiful life.
My life has had many twists and turns, often turning out far from what I've expected.
Your life is precious, you are valuable and free.

That's interesting to hear Astoria. Your friend sounds amazing, and very brave. Best wishes to her.
I think one of the things that has helped me, is changing my view of the word 'mother'. Seeing it as a verb instead of a noun. I do 'mothering' every time I nurture - whether it be my plants, the animals in my life, my niece & nephew or whatever. I am a mother spiritually, even if a series of unfortunate experiences conspired against me to cause me to not have given birth physically. Had a few things been different, I'd certainly be a physical mum now too.
C'est la vie...

In your situation OP I would consider my interests and see if there's a related area that you could do voluntary community work in weekly. We are all party of life's fabric.

45 with 2 kids here and i read your post and thought 'freedom'.

Me too, if I'd finished the sentence it would have been

"Women who are single and have no children, post 45.....are living the dream"

I'm 36 so not in your age group but am single and have lots of single, childless friends in their 40s.

We have a blast - holidays, weekends away, nights out. In fact, my friends with kids are always saying how envious they are of us.

So it doesn't need to be lonely. There are plenty of people out there to be friends wiht.

Aw, thank you Eighth Element, I reckon you're much more creative than you realise. The sheer fact you're doing so well as a single woman with two kids, is proof that you're an amazingly strong & creative woman x.
Yes I totally hear you about being institutionally single. You articulated it so well. It's amazing how much I've changed my narrative in recent years, adjusting it to my circumstances. I imagine many single women do the same. Take care xx

I've come to learn that loneliness is very much about mental attitude.

It's perfectly possible to be intensely, cripplingly, lonely even if you're married with kids and surrounded by people every day. Family members just take what they need from you, take you for granted, you're stuck having to 'serve' them and you can't even get a bit of time for yourself, because of your responsibilities to them. Any change involves upsetting the apple cart, and if you're feeling lonely, unsupported and depressed, this is the last thing you want to do. So it all just plods on, while everyone assumes you're happy as can be, because it's easier to pretend than have to confront the truth and upset everyone.

It strikes me that you might be a bit depressed. When I was feeling particularly isolated, it really helped me to talk to a counsellor, just to get some of my festering thoughts out of me and help me find my own solutions. Without getting cosmic about it, yoga also helped me get in touch with myself - it is liberating to know that 'I am enough' and to try to live in the moment. The 'learn to love yourself' thing is a work in progress...

Join a social group and you'll probably meets lots of other single people. In many ways, it's easier to have single friends when you're single yourself.

Tea, I went to a meetup lecture a while ago about Jungian dream interpretation. left the kids alone for it and raced back as they're a bit tooo young for that but anyway, I started learning about the archetypes and now i'm doing this heroine's journey thing which is about creativity and the archetypes we live by. I'm listening to loads of law of attraction things on you tube. paul McKenna as well, he has a good one on positive thinking. also Thomas hall's overnight hypnosis sessions have been helpful in motivating me/preventing me worrying etc.. he's really good at giving your mindset a gear change. I'd recommend it. I feel quite trapped by my situation sometimes. I never thought I'd be bringing up two children all on my own when i'm not the most maternal person in the world. I don't know what type of person I am really. what am I suited to?!

"You don't need to have money to have a good time. Fitness is often free (walking running) and there's lots of enjoyment to be found in nature or free stuff."

I understand that exercise can make you feel good, but it's not what I would call having a 'good time', particularly not in winter.

I have my doubts about volunteering as well. You work all week and then you're encouraged to work for free on the weekeends as well!

I also think loneliness can be a result of low self-esteem, which again can occur whether you're married with kids or not. I've often had a feeling of being invalid. Again it stems from past traumas in my case, but there could be many causes. Even when I go into the polling booth to vote, I feel like a fraud, and I can't believe I'm so enfranchised!
I'm very grateful that I'm an introvert, and I love my own company, so fortunately I don't suffer from loneliness much when I'm on my own. But I do suffer from low self-esteem (chronically) and struggle in groups or crowds. I feel so sorry for extroverts with low self-esteem, that must often be very lonely indeed at times.
I've realised there are many different reasons for a person to be sad or unhappy. I feel sorry for anyone who's having a hard time, whatever the reason. Life's just so flipping challenging at times isn't it...

It may be tricky to have children now (if you even actually wanted to) but why could you not find a partner or a more fulfilling job?

At 45 you've still got over 20 years til you retire so finding a job that you find interesteing and satisfying is worth putting some time and effort into.

In life when your needs and wants cant be fulfilled you have to develop coping mechanisms, the best in this case is to keep yourself busy doing other things you enjoy.

Personally I never wanted children that much, now i have three. I would of had even more if we could of easily afforded it.

That sounds interesting Eighth. I definitely need to give my mindset a gear change - alas I've given myself labels I can't easily pull off, if that makes sense?
For what it's worth, I think it sounds like you're doing amazingly well, being so proactive etc. I reckon it'll all come together for you soon, and I bet you're a wonderful mum to boot! Take care xx