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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and finances

110 replies

xoxopussycat · 20/11/2016 20:36

So my husband just came to me saying that I need to go back to work (we've got a 4 months old baby) because he needs to remortgage the house and I need to be working full time in order to use my income. It was a bit of a shock as he had this place before we met.

He then said that it was a "interest only" mortgage deal for many years and now he needs to remortgage. His income is not enough so I need to find a full time job ASAP and get a joint mortgage to continue to live here.

I agreed (I didn't think much at the moment) and now I'm having a child care being paid (with my parent's money) so I can go to work and sort out this mortgage.

Now he comes to me and say that I need to contribute at least with £600 because we've got a spare room in his house, and he used to have lodgers living here before we started living together.

So AIBU to think it's unfair? I'm going back to work living my little baby in order to sort out the mortgage of a house that he had before met me, having child care paid by my parents and he wants me paying £600? I'm feeling I'm being used. Confused

OP posts:
BackforGood · 20/11/2016 20:42

I don't know if it's the way you phrased it, but it sounds incredibly blunt and cold and businesslike.

The amounts of mortgage, the amounts needed to cover bills, etc.,etc., might add up or might not, but surely any normal loving couple sit down together to have a look at the finances, and decide together what you are both going to do to tackle any issues. Also to look at the timescales and longer term plans etc. If he had a lodger who moved out for you to move in, then you can see that income would need to be replaced - didn't you talk about all this when you first moved in ? Before you started thinking about having dc together ?

The issue here, to me, seems to be he is 'dictating' what is going to happen.

Underthemoonlight · 20/11/2016 20:44

I don't get it you're married surely it's your house aswell?

KatharinaRosalie · 20/11/2016 20:44

He needs to remortgage. His house. But you are paying for it?

RandomMess · 20/11/2016 20:45

You need to look at the finances together - how much is owed, what is the term, can you downsize?

Nothing should be dictated!! I'm surprised finances weren't looked at a bit more before you got married/had a child.

Mum2jenny · 20/11/2016 20:45

Would you be better living on your own with the baby? It's certainly something you need to consider. I think he is taking the proverbial!

Trifleorbust · 20/11/2016 20:46

You're married but with completely separate finances? He is telling you how much you need to 'contribute' or you won't be able to live there anymore? Shock

I am not suggesting you rule out going back to work but that sounds like a conversation that needs to be started again.

  1. Why aren't you already on the mortgage?
  2. Have you found a job yet?
  3. Why are your parents paying for childcare?
  4. Do you actually understand the finances, including what he earns and what the money is spent on?
OldRosesDoomed · 20/11/2016 20:47

Difficult. Was there no openness about finances before the union. Why the sudden problem now?

Softkitty2 · 20/11/2016 20:49

Well if thats the case. Ask to be included in the deed of the house. He makes it sounds like your a lodger and he is collecting rent.

NerrSnerr · 20/11/2016 20:49

What is the backstory to this? What were you contributing before you had the baby? Why are your parents paying for childcare? If you're married why weren't you already on the mortgage?

Softkitty2 · 20/11/2016 20:49

You're**

Softkitty2 · 20/11/2016 20:52

If he refuses to include you in the ownership of the house. Say you will contribute to the bills and not a penny more.

honeylulu · 20/11/2016 20:54

Have you broached that as your parents are funding childcare (full time nursery for us is £850 per month) rather than it being paid from household income, they are effectively paying some of the mortgage - how does he justify that?

Allthebestnamesareused · 20/11/2016 20:54

If you are going to be on the mortgage I would insist upon having your name on the deeds! It sounds very strange that he marries you, has a child with you (surely he should pay childcare if you have to work)?!

ConvincingLiar · 20/11/2016 20:54

What did you know/agree pre-marriage and pre-baby?

golfbuggy · 20/11/2016 20:54

Really puzzled by this ... did you have no discussion about finances before moving into the house, before getting married, before getting pregnant? The fact the mortgage was interest only and you parents are paying childcare suggests you (as a couple) are living beyond your means - have you both been sticking your heads in the sand? If you are getting a joint mortgage I hope he is also adding you to the deeds of the house?

LeninaCrowne · 20/11/2016 20:55

The interest rates have been very low for at least 10 years. If he was on an interest only tracker mortgage he will have been paying very little in interest. Ok if he had been on a fixed rate, with penalties for changing in the first 2 years then it could have been more, but why didn't he remortgage as soon as he could if that were the case?
At the very least he should show you all the paperwork, confirm how much he is paying in interest, how long the term has etc. Why didn't he have any way of repaying the capital? You don't just have to accept his word on it.

Candlelight123 · 20/11/2016 20:55

If you do this 100% make sure it's a joint mortgage and you are in the deeds.

Ahickiefromkinickie · 20/11/2016 20:59

Adding to Trifle's questions:

  • is he your children's father?
  • do you have a joint account? i.e. is the additional £600 going into a joint pot to pay outgoings
  • is the housework shared between you if you are both working full time
  • why did he have to remortgage the house and did he make any money from it e.g. equity?
Longdistance · 20/11/2016 20:59

Get your name on the deeds, make it legal.

If he doesn't agree, he's on his own.

Lorelei76 · 20/11/2016 20:59

First question, what's his reason for needing to remortgage? I get that he might save money but as this seems to have happened out of the blue, I reckon that's not the reason.

OohhThatsMe · 20/11/2016 21:00

So he's had an interest only mortgage but with no endowment policy, is that it? And now he needs to sort things out?

Original poster
xoxopussycat · 20/11/2016 21:01

My parents are paying for child care because we cannot afford.

What he says is that once the mortgage is sorted out I can stop working and look after our baby again. But then this morning he mentioned the £600... his idea is that I could work Saturdays and also from home in order to get this money. That's why I'm not sure if IABU... I'm very confused and feeling being under pressure because of work. I worked until the day before I had the baby and we had plans for me to go back to work within 2 weeks after the delivery. "Luckily" I had a caesarean and I could stay at home with our baby longer than that.
It's really nice to hear different opinions. Before the birth he making sure I was well enough to carry on working heavily pregnant and Asap once I delivered the our baby.

OP posts:
53rdAndBird · 20/11/2016 21:03

How much do you know about his finances? Are they totally separate from yours?

CheddarGorgeous · 20/11/2016 21:04

Do you know all the details of your finances? And if not why not?

It sounds incredibly fishy.

NerrSnerr · 20/11/2016 21:07

Are you on the mortgage? How joint are your finances?