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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to do this for over two months?

117 replies

Onthedowns · 29/09/2016 09:30

I think I probably am but here goes . Sil has family look after nephew whilst she works two days a week , they aren't short of money this is pocket money but she won't send nephew to nursery until he gets free hours over a year away. One family member has not become very ill and don't be able to do childcare. Sil asked if I could help one day a week for a couple of weeks - fine however it's now till end December. I am currently on maternity leave with DS who was premature baby reflux cmpi haven't found it easy. DD has just started school so finding her feet with school and so are we doing drop offs. It will be difficult with two under two dropping and picking her up don't have double buggy. Plus I don't want to spend last few months of my maternity leave doing this. Short term fine. I suggested they need to look at nursery childminder long term - they don't want to . I also think this is issue when you solely rely on family for childcare I had a mixture but accepted I had to pay for some. Help please? DH thinks I should as when I return to with sil may help one afternoon a week but then equally I am happy to help weekly once I am back to work I just enjoying my time with DS currently

OP posts:
Lemond1fficult · 29/09/2016 09:47

If you're ok with doing her a favour for a few weeks, you can do that and say no to a longer term. Explain why you don't want to do it, but this is your one to one time with your baby, and you can spend it how you want. You have no obligation to save your SIL money. You'll be back at work soon enough.

Jackie0 · 29/09/2016 10:03

Yanbu at all.

crispandcheesesanwichplease · 29/09/2016 10:16

OP you a definitely NBU. You've got enough on with your own 2 children.

Helping anyone out for a couple of weeks is fine but she's taking the piss. Sounds like she's just too tight to pay for childcare. She can do what the rest of us do, either stay at home to look after her kids or pay someone professionally. She's been very lucky to have had so much free childcare to date.

Also your maternity leave is for you and your lo. What would she do if you weren't on maternity leave.

Tell her to bugger off!

RebootYourEngine · 29/09/2016 10:17

Once a week isnt a lot. You will still have 6 days without your nephew.

I would do it however if you dont want to you dont have to.

CaspoFungin · 29/09/2016 10:29

Did you say that when you return to work you are going to want your SIL to help out one day a week? If that's correct then yes I think you should help her. If that's wrong then say no it doesn't suit you. You can't expect she's going to help you out later if you don't help her out now.

Original poster
Onthedowns · 29/09/2016 10:34

No possibly half a day when I return to work , but the other 3 days I have to pay like everyone esle . But equally I will have my nephew when I return possibly so swaps . I have 6 other days but only a few hours whilst daughter at school with my DS and keeping on top of house etc . I don't mind emergencies but sil refuses other childcare money mainly but also pfb he's nearly 2 so I think old enough and one day a week with childcare vouchers isn't a lot. Plus you don't have so many issues when emergencies I did say this prior to her returning to work

OP posts:
gleam · 29/09/2016 10:39

I think it's cheeky asking a newborn's mum to look after a 2 yo, family or not.

Does DH just want a quiet life?

Original poster
Onthedowns · 29/09/2016 10:42

Sorry he's not newborn nearly 7 months old. I think so yes I am happy to help short term but I get made out to be the baddy for not doing the two months. But I find it stressful enough with two currently!

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 29/09/2016 10:51

Funny how your DH thinks it's ok. He isn't the one who will be stuck with a baby and toddler.
Has it been discussed about her having your child when you go back to work or is this what people just think might happen?

I'd say no personally. Especially if than afford nursery/childminder.

EssentialHummus · 29/09/2016 10:53

DH thinks I should as when I return to with sil may help one afternoon a week

Unless SIL has confirmed this herself, it seems wrong to rely on it.

I wouldn't.

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/09/2016 10:53

What a cheek! Stick to your guns on this one, I would. I have absolutely nobody to rely on for free childcare, nor would I ever expect it if I did. She's taking the piss.

Youarenotprepared · 29/09/2016 10:56

We did similar for my sil but it was easier as We didn't have a small one at home and pir niece was in nursery afternoons. We put a limit on it saying we would help for X weeks.

I've no clue what she did after that but we just do emergency cover these days and it's fine. It's easier though now as all kids in same schools.

Youarenotprepared · 29/09/2016 10:57

Could you say you will try for 2-3 weeks and see how you cope?

Soubriquet · 29/09/2016 10:58

No way

Tell her if she doesn't want to put him in a nursery she has two options

Quit work or hire a nanny

DollyBarton · 29/09/2016 11:00

Nope I wouldn't. Unless SIL was broke and struggling. Then I'd help. But it sounds like this family need to take responsibility for their own children's childcare. Tell them you can be the emergency help if something falls through but that they need to sort out childcare as you have enough on your plate without the regular tie of a child you didn't decide to give birth to....

Linpinfinwin · 29/09/2016 11:00

I would be wary of promising childcare on your days off once you're back at work. Your time with your own child will be precious when you have less of it each week. If you don't want to "share" your time with him now, nothing will magically change when he turns 9 or 12 months except you will have less of it.

Youarenotprepared · 29/09/2016 11:01

We did it for sil because she has a 9-3.30 job and it's a nightmare to get childcare for as most nurseries want them in all day for those hours which negated her wage.

Youarenotprepared · 29/09/2016 11:02

It all depends on if she really needs it and if you can cope with it. We did it for as long as we could cope then stopped. It's not been an issue.

furryminkymoo · 29/09/2016 11:15

With a newborn I would say no. Double buggies, racing around, multiple car seats etc, hard enough for your own but I wouldn't be offering this currently.

I would say that I would have to say no for now but would reconsider position in a month or so.

GingerbreadLatteToGo · 29/09/2016 11:18

Well, if your DH thinks your family should help out, tell him to take one day a week off work. Alternatvely his sister can do what other working parents do & use a childminder/nursery/nanny.

Just say it's not possible.

witsender · 29/09/2016 11:19

If you are planning on her helping you hen it seems fair. If you think she should use paid childcare, then you should too.

I wouldn't do it, and wouldn't rely on her for childcare. As you say in your OP, it leads to issues.

expatinscotland · 29/09/2016 11:23

'I'm really sorry but you'll need to find an alternative. I'm not able to handle this.' If your DH wants to he's free to take a day off work and do it.

Jenijena · 29/09/2016 11:28

I have a 'difficult' six month old and ds has just started school. I'd be more than happy to be emergency but anything else is just taking the piss... I'm badly keeping it together as it is!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 29/09/2016 11:30

One day a week, I would do it: family helps family in my book. I would also prefer someone I knew looking after my young toddler, rather than a nursery.

LeonoraFlorence · 29/09/2016 11:37

I look after my nieces two days a week at the moment. They're 2 and 8 months. I love doing it. I have 4 DDs of my own (two at school in p1 and p2) and they're great company for each other. I am a SAHM though so that makes a difference. I think you're entitled to wanting to spend the rest of your maternity leave with your little one on his own.

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