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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to do this for over two months?

117 replies

Onthedowns · 29/09/2016 09:30

I think I probably am but here goes . Sil has family look after nephew whilst she works two days a week , they aren't short of money this is pocket money but she won't send nephew to nursery until he gets free hours over a year away. One family member has not become very ill and don't be able to do childcare. Sil asked if I could help one day a week for a couple of weeks - fine however it's now till end December. I am currently on maternity leave with DS who was premature baby reflux cmpi haven't found it easy. DD has just started school so finding her feet with school and so are we doing drop offs. It will be difficult with two under two dropping and picking her up don't have double buggy. Plus I don't want to spend last few months of my maternity leave doing this. Short term fine. I suggested they need to look at nursery childminder long term - they don't want to . I also think this is issue when you solely rely on family for childcare I had a mixture but accepted I had to pay for some. Help please? DH thinks I should as when I return to with sil may help one afternoon a week but then equally I am happy to help weekly once I am back to work I just enjoying my time with DS currently

OP posts:

Original poster

Onthedowns · 01/10/2016 02:23

Thanks have done trouble is he won't do it for me! If I need help I have to get on with it!

OP posts:

Original poster

Onthedowns · 01/10/2016 15:27

Still trying to come to some agreement about helping for a few days,

OP posts:

rookiemere · 01/10/2016 15:45

Perhaps you could test the water and see if they are willing to do some reciprocal childcare for you just now - say for an evening out? I think their response will be very telling.

EdwardBear1920 · 01/10/2016 15:56

To be clear; I don't think you should do it.

To be curious; how often did they have your older one when you were struggling with morning sickness?

expatinscotland · 01/10/2016 16:36

'Still trying to come to some agreement about helping for a few days,'

You just don't! 'I don't want to do this. I want to use the rest of my mat leave to spend extra time with my own children.' And you tell your DH if he wants to help he's free to do so on his own time.

Original poster

Onthedowns · 01/10/2016 19:17

No they never had dd when I had sickness! In fact I had nephew when I was 6 months pregnant overnight and still ill while they didn't do anything! DH helped but still , I have had him whilst sil has gone to gym

OP posts:

DeadGood · 01/10/2016 19:24

"I suggested they need to look at nursery childminder long term - they don't want to"

Well that's too bad, because they'll have to.
Can't believe your husband doesn't have your back on this one. You should do it because your SIL might look after your child for an afternoon a week?

No. Absolutely shocking that she even asked you. Two of your own is quite enough, thanks.

StealthPolarBear · 01/10/2016 19:29

So your dh doesn't look after his own child yet thinks he can dictate that you should also look after his family? The sexist crap coming out on this thread is immense.

DeadGood · 01/10/2016 19:29

"my neighbour who occasionally has our DS over from time to time seemed horribly offended when I got her a gift card for a local restaurant"

How socially inept of your neighbour rookie. Some people really can't accept thanks or a gift gracefully. Sad.

DeadGood · 01/10/2016 19:34

"it's hard work getting to from school"

OP, would it even be logistically possible for you to take two toddlers and a baby to your older child's school?

DeadGood · 01/10/2016 19:37

Agree with rookie about reciprocity.

On the same note, I agree with edward in that they never seem to look after your children.

Have you brought this up OP? Your husband is coming across incredibly badly on here, as is his family.

Allthewaves · 01/10/2016 19:42

Wouldn't bother me but I'd asked her for a double buggy. If you hit toddler group in morning 10-12 then nap time then it will be time to pick dd up and days done.

Dinosaursgoboo · 01/10/2016 20:03

I wouldn't do it. I have a 6 month old and 2.5 year old and a 5 year old at school. It's really hard work and only possible/enjoyable because they're mine and I love them. I couldn't do it for someone else's children. No way.

justaweeone · 01/10/2016 20:12

Please just say no !
I am so sorry but I am not up to it
I need to focus on myself and my own children
I do not think it would be fair in your child
I know you will understand

Elenorrigbywoes · 01/10/2016 20:13

Does your Mil provide childcare for you when you are working?
I would just say that I can't manage three kids on my own for that length of time. You have enough on your plate. As is often said here, you have a DH problem! Let him deal with his family!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/10/2016 20:33

If you agree to help for a few days while they find a nursery place, do you think they would actually bother finding a nursery place or "fail" to find one expecting you to continue?

"I've sacrificed my own wages to spend these last 3 months of maternity leave with my children and I'm finding it tough enough as it is. You'll have to find a childminder or nursery, like I do."

You are not selfish. You are sensible and know your limits.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 01/10/2016 21:02

Chances are it won't end with December. If your MIL is finding it hard now, it'll get trickier for her and you might find yourself being asked more.

Oh, and everyone airily saying that OPs DH should take a day off to look after his DSis DC?
Yeah, in most workplaces, asking for a day off once a week to look after someones elses child will go down well eh? I can imagine my DH boss if he requested this

Just tell her afer the 2 weeks, its finished. (If you WANT to do the 2 weeks that is)
Get her to provide a double buggy.
Don't expect any favours from her, from your posts it doesn't sound like this'll be forthcoming.

Original poster

Onthedowns · 02/10/2016 04:13

This is my point it won't stop at two weeks, yes MIL provided childcare when my DD was 2 for 10 months one day a week I work 3. I think ignoring the nursery issue isn't going to help, I haven't taken to parenting two easily. Only just feeling a bit more relaxed now DD is at school and get a bit of breathing space with one for few hours.

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rollonthesummer · 02/10/2016 16:13

Just say no!

Original poster

Onthedowns · 03/10/2016 04:31

I think I am worried to say no to upset apple cart!

OP posts:

TheMaddHugger · 03/10/2016 04:39

they are not worried about upsetting you.

they stole the wheel off the apple cart

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/10/2016 05:44

Your sil sounds massively entitled. I would never want her to look after my children tbh. People like this often treat other people's kids differently from their own. And your dh using potential future childcare from sil as a bargaining chip is a way of manipulating you to comply.

Tell your dh your children come first and this is a difficult time for your family. Tell your dh you cannot cope. You are frightened of doing it. That it will affect your mental health. That you need to only be with ds because you are only now getting back to some kind of normality. Tell him you cannot cope with the bullying. You wish you could help but you simply cannot. Tell him he's your husband and it is his job to protect you and look after you so that you can do your job as a mum and look after and protect your children when he is out at work.

And i suggest you do this on email if he doesn't listen. And if he still pursues you, you really do have a problem. Are your parents supportive?

ConvincingLiar · 03/10/2016 07:25

The selfish comments are really uncalled for. Bitch.

I'd definitely say no.

pluck · 03/10/2016 09:40

Tell DH if he wants you to take on the extra work of the extra child, he has to take on the extra work of the house-cleaning you were doing (and there will be more of it, with more children in the house).

It will take both of you to make it work, and she is his sister, after all.

Original poster

Onthedowns · 03/10/2016 16:18

Thanks I have expressed this! Do you think I would be out if line messaging her and explaining again happy to help a few times but not till Christmas explain why but then it hasn't previously made a deference here

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