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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to do this for over two months?

117 replies

Onthedowns · 29/09/2016 09:30

I think I probably am but here goes . Sil has family look after nephew whilst she works two days a week , they aren't short of money this is pocket money but she won't send nephew to nursery until he gets free hours over a year away. One family member has not become very ill and don't be able to do childcare. Sil asked if I could help one day a week for a couple of weeks - fine however it's now till end December. I am currently on maternity leave with DS who was premature baby reflux cmpi haven't found it easy. DD has just started school so finding her feet with school and so are we doing drop offs. It will be difficult with two under two dropping and picking her up don't have double buggy. Plus I don't want to spend last few months of my maternity leave doing this. Short term fine. I suggested they need to look at nursery childminder long term - they don't want to . I also think this is issue when you solely rely on family for childcare I had a mixture but accepted I had to pay for some. Help please? DH thinks I should as when I return to with sil may help one afternoon a week but then equally I am happy to help weekly once I am back to work I just enjoying my time with DS currently

OP posts:
Original poster
Onthedowns · 29/09/2016 12:28

I don't mind short term but I have always had to pay for childcare and hated leaving my daughter but needs must, nothing confirmed about me going back to work just DH. I am wary of getting stuck permanently I don't think it will do him any harm at 2 years old. My son will be 12 months when I go back to work. I find it hard now and had mild PND after DS birth due to circumstances and his reflux cmpi . I am just getting used to bundling him in car buggy for school runs! Finding space for two then 3 is nightmare.

OP posts:
Original poster
Onthedowns · 29/09/2016 13:37

It would be from 730 till 430 too so a long day

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 29/09/2016 13:47

If you say no now you can't ask her to have your later.

The point about help is that you need it when you ask for it, not in six months time. She needs help now. If you can't/won't help now you can't ask her for a half day of childcare later when you need it.

ImperialBlether · 29/09/2016 13:50

No, I wouldn't do it. I loved maternity leave and wouldn't want to spend a day a week babysitting someone else's baby without even getting any money for it. She's working and getting paid, but wants you to mind her child without getting paid? No.

rookiemere · 29/09/2016 13:54

Sorry but whilst I understand your reasons,YABABU. If you say no now, then if I was your SIL I wouldn't be inclined to look after your DCs once you're back at work.
If you do end up doing it I'd ask her to source a double buggy though - you shouldn't be out of pocket by saving her money.

DuckingAunts · 29/09/2016 14:06

She doesn't need you to do it. She just wants you to do it because she's too tight to pay for childcare.

If she was desperate and her back was really against the wall, I'd say YABABU. But she has other options, she just doesn't want to use them because you're free.

mothermother · 29/09/2016 14:27

i wouldn't! tell them you can help out for two weeks and that's it.

VilootShesCute · 29/09/2016 14:28

I would. It's family and it's not forever. I love having my nephew wish I had him more and my dd loves him.

Original poster
Onthedowns · 29/09/2016 14:36

But it's more they won't pay, drives me mad. I haven't asked her to help later! DH assumes it won't be it will likely be childminder! I am just getting a bit of time with my son and it will go!

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 29/09/2016 16:25

It's okay to say no now, honest. Just don't do that and ask her to have your son later.

Lymmmummy · 29/09/2016 16:28

YADNBU - stick to your guns do not be made to feel guilty at all

Their child their responsibility - I think they are enormously cheeky to ask to extend it to Dec once this was known to them they should have made alternative arrangements. Expecting you to be delighted to pick up the slack with a prem baby with reflux and a new starter at school who the f*ck do they think they are

Original poster
Onthedowns · 29/09/2016 16:34

The thing is this is short notice and I am on maternity leave on very little money now myself. Any arrangements when I go back to work would be pre made and I would pay albeit maybe cheaper, I wouldn't Spring it on someone. It would be for 5.5 hours not 8 plus . It's not likely to happen either for this reason in that when the shit hits the fan your buggered for childcare we earn less money and have to factor in costs like everyone esle

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Lymmmummy · 29/09/2016 16:38

Sorry may have come across a bit OTT - have just realised that baby is not newborn and there maybe an element of requiring SIL help later

TBH though I still would refuse

The picture you paint of her is that she is the type who takes more than she gives and a bit tight fisted - despite what your DH says there is no guarantee that she will offer you any reciprocal help / often those type of self centred people do not - or you may end up lumbered with the expectation that you should do the favour in the long term.

I do agree that although family childcare help must be marvellous and save people a fortune (sadly we never had any) it also comes with its own set of issues .

Scarydinosaurs · 29/09/2016 16:51

Absolutely don't do it. You need to look after you and take care of your mental health and your baby. Being prem means you've had a trickier start and need this time now to bond.

YANBU.

averythinline · 29/09/2016 16:52

Just say no - this your time wth ds - having been through a refluxy baby its very stressful- you are going back to work so enjoy your time with ds ...

notthebees · 29/09/2016 17:08

Say no if you don't want to do it. You aren't intending to rely on her help and it sounds as if she'll take more than she gives back anyway.

rookiemere · 29/09/2016 17:18

I agree she sounds entitled, but a flat no feels like it would cause a huge family row. Also if you say No then I don't think you'd be able to make any future childcare arrangements with SIL - paid or not.

I probably wouldn't offer a member of my family money either - my neighbour who occasionally has our DS over from time to time seemed horribly offended when I got her a gift card for a local restaurant, so it could be something other than meanness behind that.

It sounds like the pick ups and the drop offs at school are the most problematic times, so what I'd do is offer to have her DC between say 9.30 - 2.30 and explain that it's impossible to do school run with more DCs . This of course is absolutely useless to her, so it's effectively saying No, but isn't doing it flat out Grin.

Ineededtonamechange · 29/09/2016 17:22

I know you don't want to do it, and i don't like being tied down to arrangements like this, but in your situation if I refused I wouldn't feel like I could then ask SIL to look after my children in a few months time.

Maybe that is just me - but if I didn't want to do this i'd be looking at other options for childcare later.

Scarydinosaurs · 29/09/2016 17:38

But the OP doesn't want the SIL to have her DS.

rookiemere · 29/09/2016 17:43

That's not clear from the Op's posts scarydinosaurs.

AnnieOnnieMouse · 29/09/2016 18:31

For 8 hours - no way - that's far too long - wipes out a whole day wrangling someone else's toddler while you're trying to have a bit of time with your own baby. Time to start offering to swap care when she can offer you some.

Pumpkintopf · 29/09/2016 18:36

Definitely don't sign up on the basis that you might get help yourself later- this hasn't been agreed and I doubt it will happen!

Original poster
Onthedowns · 29/09/2016 18:57

I am not expecting childcare but DH is, I won't use family as its hassle !

OP posts:
Original poster
Onthedowns · 30/09/2016 04:30

This is still raging I have been called selfish 😕

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puglife15 · 30/09/2016 04:42

Fuck it, let them call you selfish.

Don't be guilt tripped into saying yes. You only get one mat leave.

My son has reflux and is the same age and it's only now I'm starting to get any quality time with him as he was so grumpy/upset and just fed and napped.