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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to do this for over two months?

117 replies

Onthedowns · 29/09/2016 09:30

I think I probably am but here goes . Sil has family look after nephew whilst she works two days a week , they aren't short of money this is pocket money but she won't send nephew to nursery until he gets free hours over a year away. One family member has not become very ill and don't be able to do childcare. Sil asked if I could help one day a week for a couple of weeks - fine however it's now till end December. I am currently on maternity leave with DS who was premature baby reflux cmpi haven't found it easy. DD has just started school so finding her feet with school and so are we doing drop offs. It will be difficult with two under two dropping and picking her up don't have double buggy. Plus I don't want to spend last few months of my maternity leave doing this. Short term fine. I suggested they need to look at nursery childminder long term - they don't want to . I also think this is issue when you solely rely on family for childcare I had a mixture but accepted I had to pay for some. Help please? DH thinks I should as when I return to with sil may help one afternoon a week but then equally I am happy to help weekly once I am back to work I just enjoying my time with DS currently

OP posts:
SpareASquare · 30/09/2016 04:50

One day a week, I'd do it for sure. Sounds like its more a case of resentment than anything else. If you want to say no for that reason, you can and really, who cares how it does or doesn't reflect on you. If you never intend on asking anyone for help yourself, just say no and leave it at that

justilou · 30/09/2016 04:54

Could you suggest charging her a daily rate and extras (food, travel, etc) to amount to slightly more than daycare? It might make you a far less attractive option.

AyeAmarok · 30/09/2016 05:07

Who called you selfish?

Just reply "I'm not selfish, I have a lot on my plate at the moment with refluxy DS and I'm struggling to manage DS and DD. I can't add another to the mix at the moment, it too much for me".

buttfacedmiscreant · 30/09/2016 07:12

Selfish? Seriously? Selfish is using up someone else's maternity leave because you can afford childcare but don't want to.

Those people saying "I love looking after niece/nephew" well if she loved doing it she wouldn't be saying she didn't want to do it. Duh.

Looking after a mobile baby and a two year old for eight hours is not a walk in the park, it can be hard work and you shouldn't have to do it if you don't want to.

Tatiebee · 30/09/2016 07:20

Don't do it if you'd rather not, you are entitled to enjoy the remainder of your maternity leave. A childminder might be a good option if it's just going to be a short term thing.

Love51 · 30/09/2016 07:33

If you are selfish for not looking after DN then surely ever single member of the family is also selfish as they aren't looking after him either! Who called you selfish? Because if it is dns mum or dad that in itself would be enough to refuse to get involved in childcare for them. No need to do favours for people who are that rude!

Soubriquet · 30/09/2016 07:45

No. Selfish is being too tight to afford proper childcare and expecting everyone else to pick up the slack

rollonthesummer · 30/09/2016 07:48

No-I wouldn't.

GoodLuckTime · 30/09/2016 07:48

OP I agree you have good reasons to say no. You're not being selfish.

I disagree with posters who say if you say no now you can ask SIL to help you in future. My SIL and I help each other out with each other's kids quite often. We also both say no to each other quite often. We've discussed how women often feel obligated and what social pressure there is against saying no, even if the request is really tough on you. That's what's happening here.

Of course, in practice it may. It turn out that way. As in, if you say no now she may indeed say no to you in future. But that could happen even if you say yes. There are often threads on here noting people who are great at pressuring others into favours they are equally good at avoiding ever returning.

In practise I think offering 9.30-2.30 as PP have said is a good answer. A yes that is in practice a no!

Also, by now id be soliciting the direct family members help. Is she your DH's sister? Or your brothers wife? Either way I'd try and sort it out with thorough them.

Original poster
Onthedowns · 30/09/2016 09:20

It her and mil saying selfish she is DHs sister. Mil already does the other day but is 72 although not elderly it's hard work so two days is to much . It's driving me round the bend the hassle I will get for saying no, I don't mind a couple of weeks but not now till end of December as that's what cut will get pushed to

OP posts:
GoodLuckTime · 30/09/2016 12:30

Ok so where is your DH in this?

If I was putting my SIL in this position my brother would tell me to back off, and rightly so.

SIL and I get along well, but occasionally my brother will articulate something to me that she finds too difficult, which is as it should be.

You are right to say no. Your DH should back you. In fact he should be saying it for you. And calling out / facing down their emotional blackmail.

My SIL finds my mum (so her MIL) hard work. I try to support her in interractions, encourage her to say no, take no nonsense. I know she can be hard work.

Possibly, possibly your SIL doesn't realise how tough having two is. But that's not your problem. You DH should be talking her through that while he says no on behalf of your family.

notthebees · 30/09/2016 12:51

They have called you selfish? Fuck them then.

MoreCoffeeNow · 30/09/2016 12:57

Just say no very firmly and take the flack. Then it will be over.

Goldenhandshake · 30/09/2016 12:59

YANBU, the selfish comment would be nail in the coffin for me.

havalina1 · 30/09/2016 13:04

I remember the past few months with my kids on maternity leave. It was so special. I'm three weeks back in work now so it's very recent. I totally get you not wanting to do this! Also the fact it's a day when you have one in school so it's Jodi day with just the 7 month old. It also means it's a day you do some jobs as you just have one child.

But... keeping the peace is another thing Sad I think I'd say yes, I'll do it for two weeks while you get another plan in place if you're stuck.

StealthPolarBear · 30/09/2016 13:08

The more women work for pocket money the more it reinforces the stereotype that childcare is her problem and anyone looking after the child is doing the woman a favour.
sorry. Needed a rant.

notthebees · 30/09/2016 13:09

Why can't dh look after his SIL's kids over the weekend if he thinks it's such a doddle?

notthebees · 30/09/2016 13:09

sorry his sister's kids

expatinscotland · 30/09/2016 13:35

They called YOU selfish?! I'd definitely NOT be guilted into this now.

Original poster
Onthedowns · 30/09/2016 18:50

DH thinks we should help I get its not nice as her partners mother is ill, I have offered for a few weeks but they won't look at a nursery until new year. DH says we should do it in case we need care but I don't see it like that I will just do as and when don't do tit for tat. I had my nephew stay over when I was 6 months pregnant throwing up just to give them a break and Saturday mornings for overtime . I am happy for emergency but think they need to sort permanent care out

OP posts:
Original poster
Onthedowns · 30/09/2016 18:51

I don't find it easy with two either it's hard work getting to from school I don't have much time to myself by the time I do housework etc during day inbetween feeding DS

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 30/09/2016 18:56

'DH thinks we should help '

Who's we? He means you should do it. You don't want to. So you say NO over and over till it gets through their thick skulls.

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 30/09/2016 19:03

buttfacedmiscreant Fri 30-Sep-16 07:12:01

Selfish? Seriously? Selfish is using up someone else's maternity leave because you can afford childcare but don't want to.

OP, you "D" H can fuck off with the "we", I bet he doesn't plan to help. And I agree with the above comment, think you should point this out to your DH.

You've got enough on your plate, and your SIL is definitely the selfish one here.

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 30/09/2016 19:08

And the other thing I forgot to add. Does your SIL ever return favours? What's the history, does she take and not return?

How likely is it that she might actually offer the childcare as mentioned by your DH near the start of the thread?

They call you selfish because you are not jumping and giving the free childcare they want.

QueenArseClangers · 30/09/2016 19:47

Well tell your DH that he's more than welcome to take time off work to care for his nephew/niece.