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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to text the OW?

126 replies

weehedgehog · 22/09/2016 11:37

After months of suspecting my husband is hiding something (and him telling me I'm paranoid), I have finally found some evidence of cheating this morning in the form of text messages saying 'night x' and 'miss you x'. I fully intent on texting her tonight, to reply to these messages to my husband...but not sure if it'll only make things worse. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to? Essentially just want to make her realise that I'm reading the messages and interrupt the affair and go from there. But how do I look like I still have the upper hand? (on a side note, we have been together for over 10 years, married 5, 3 kids).

OP posts:
2014newme · 22/09/2016 11:39

Don't think that would be my priority
💐

CookieLady · 22/09/2016 11:41

Don't do it. Flowers

19lottie82 · 22/09/2016 11:42

Fuck texting her. Id be phoning her.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 22/09/2016 11:42

you can, but as 2014 said- you need to discuss with the husband no? I mean he made the vows, not her

I am sorry, its shit. and when you know all means by all means put prawns in her sofa cavity, but start with the cheating husband first

positivity123 · 22/09/2016 11:42

Don't do it. He's the problem, you need to face him. Don't engage with her.

BlueLeopard · 22/09/2016 11:42

You wont look like you have the upper hand if you text her.

Unless its to tell her that everything he owns is on her doorstep and she is welcome to him.

RuralLibran · 22/09/2016 11:43

If it wont make you feel any better, dont do it.

acasualobserver · 22/09/2016 11:44

Isn't that just a way of getting her to tell your husband that you know? Miss out the middlewoman and tell him yourself.

timeforsomethingnewithink · 22/09/2016 11:44

Ignore her, deal with your husband.

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 22/09/2016 11:44

It's possible she doesn't know he's married and is under the impression she has a great new boyfriend. I don't think you should take it out on her, he's the arse, she may be just as much a victim of his deception as you are.

But YANBU to be extremely hurt and upset and I hope it works out for you.

PatriciaHolm · 22/09/2016 11:44

It's not a competition, and he's not a prize. Other than a prize dick.

All texting will achieve is confirm what he has no doubt told her about you being a mad harpy he stays with for the sake of the kids.

She's not your problem. He is.

Lonecatwithkitten · 22/09/2016 11:44

You will retain the upper hand by not engaging with her and by tackling your husband. If you engage with her they will both consider you 'crazy' and use it as justification to continue your affair.
Are you interested in remaining married? If you are you need to find out if your husband is, if he is he must cut all contact immediately.
If one or other or both you do not want to remain married you need to make plans to split calmly for your children's sake.

UptheAnty · 22/09/2016 11:44

I wouldn't bother with her.
I have a friend who confronted ow & bitterly regretted it- ow doesn't give a shiny shit about you.
My friend who didn't confront ow is not haunted in the same way. She never gave the ow the satisfaction- there is dignity in that. The ow is so unimportant to you why waste your energy- thAts the message ow receives when you blank her.

Of course it depends on circumstances....

Runningupthathill82 · 22/09/2016 11:45

It would be a terrible idea to text her. She can't tell you anything you'd want to hear, and you would be giving her more power.

More importantly, though, the problem is primarily with your husband and it's him you should be tackling. He's the one who made promises to you and then broke them, not her.

(That said, if it were me I'd be texting her. But I have a tendency to act impulsively and handle things badly).

Original poster
weehedgehog · 22/09/2016 11:45

Rebecca, she definitely knows of my existence and the kids. But you are all right, I am directing my anger at the wrong person!

OP posts:
Lonecatwithkitten · 22/09/2016 11:45

Sorry 'their affair'.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/09/2016 11:47

There's probably a million women who could have been the other woman. You only have one husband, who made promises. She's not the problem, he is.

PterodactylToenails · 22/09/2016 11:47

Don't do it. I would wait for more evidence and then deal with my husband.

HuskyLover1 · 22/09/2016 11:48

Don't reveal your hand. You know what's going on. They don't know that you know. This is good imo. It gives you time to do more digging, seek legal advice empty the bank account and so on.

But when the time is right, if she has a husband, I would be paying him a visit, and giving him all the evidence of the affair. Screen shot messages etc. Yes, your DH made vows with you, but she doesn't get to sail off in to the sunset with no consequences.

tibbawyrots · 22/09/2016 11:49

Don't give her the satisfaction. You need to decide what you want to do, get your ducks in a row and then have it out with him. He's the one who has broken his vows, not her. Yes it takes 2 to tango and all that but she's not the one married to you.

It must be heartbreaking for you, stay strong. Flowers

PotatoBread · 22/09/2016 11:49

I can understand you wanting to but don't do it - it won't make you look like you've the upper hand at all. Confront your husband and deal with him. Contacting the OW won't achieve anything

MoreGilmoreGirls · 22/09/2016 11:51

Don't do it she won't care. You'll just feel worse. Sorry you are going through this Flowers

Original poster
weehedgehog · 22/09/2016 11:52

Apparently she is very much aware of it all, and enjoys it BECAUSE he is unavailable. She is single. It's probably a game to her, which is why I'm so angry with her. I'm fuming with my husband too, obviously. In a 'I want to rip your bollocks off' type of way.

Husband knows that I know. They work together, and they work long hours together. I'm just not quite sure what to do next...I do want to keep the marriage going, of course, but not under any circumstance.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 22/09/2016 11:52

Don't do it. Concentrate on the person who has betrayed you.

Trust me, it won't help, it won't make you feel better and it won't solve the real problem

tibbawyrots · 22/09/2016 11:54

Um at the moment you don't really have a marriage...

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