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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to text the OW?

126 replies

weehedgehog · 22/09/2016 11:37

After months of suspecting my husband is hiding something (and him telling me I'm paranoid), I have finally found some evidence of cheating this morning in the form of text messages saying 'night x' and 'miss you x'. I fully intent on texting her tonight, to reply to these messages to my husband...but not sure if it'll only make things worse. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to? Essentially just want to make her realise that I'm reading the messages and interrupt the affair and go from there. But how do I look like I still have the upper hand? (on a side note, we have been together for over 10 years, married 5, 3 kids).

OP posts:
fastdaytears · 22/09/2016 12:14

I love your texts canteven genius!

MrsCaecilius · 22/09/2016 12:15

When you say:
"Apparently she is very much aware of it all, and enjoys it BECAUSE he is unavailable."

Do you know this because your husband has told you? In which case disregard anything he's said. He's playing (dreadful) games. This isn't about her or her motivation - its about him and his deplorable treatment of you.

Focus on him.

Ginslinger · 22/09/2016 12:20

I'd be tempted to send a text saying something like 'is that you again Sandra?' but I'm childish (this only works if she's not called Sandra)

WrongEndoftheTelescope · 22/09/2016 12:21

But how do I look like I still have the upper hand?

Go to a solicitor and start to get things in motion for a financial separation. Contact the CSA (or whatever it is now) to get a calculation of the child maintenance your husband will have to pay. Pack your notsoDH an overnight bag, and put it in the front hall for him, with an envelope. Inside the envelope: the cost of child maintenance, the cost of lawyer's fees, and some Lastminute.com recommendations for hotels.

Don't text the OW.

fastdaytears · 22/09/2016 12:22

The only way you will have the upper hand is to get rid of him. Otherwise you're telling him this is all ok.

IceRoadDucker · 22/09/2016 12:23

I do want to keep the marriage going, of course

Your priorities are definitely skewed at the moment. Focus on the cheating dirtbag, not his bit on the side.

CalmItKermitt · 22/09/2016 12:23

What Husky said up there ^

YelloDraw · 22/09/2016 12:24

Don;t reveal you hand!
Get evidence - take photos of the text messages.
Prepare financially - take copies of banks statements, savings accounts etc
Go see a GOOD divorce layer - then take action.

fastdaytears · 22/09/2016 12:25

I do want to keep the marriage going, of course

Why of course? He has lied and cheated.

loobyloo1234 · 22/09/2016 12:26

OW isn't the one cheating ... Hmm

Seems you have made your mind up anyway if you want to stay in this marriage like you have just said and just like that, the husband is getting away with it

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/09/2016 12:28

If she enjoys the flirtation and the games with a married man, she isn't very mature. Confronting her isn't going to change this and will bring you down to her level and give her the upper hand.

Decide what you want. I know you say right now you want to work on the marriage. How much more of thi affair will you take? Are you prepared for the long haul? Or do you want to confront him regardless - and give him an ultimatum?

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 22/09/2016 12:29

Flowers for you weehedge

Firstly I completely understand why most people are telling you not to text/call this woman. Of course this is sensible advice, and for 90% of people this "higher ground" course of action is the one most likely to protect you from harm and give you long term satisfaction. You'll find it easier to retain your dignity and you'll be spared to discomfort of whatever this woman might say to you.

But as I've got older I've realised there's the right thing in principle, and then there's the right thing for you. I urge you to protect yourself but - at the end of the day - if you don't give a toss about dignity right now, if you think you could stand up and be proud to be the kind of person that makes that call, if you don't want to be sensible, you just want to be heard right now then fuck it, you go for it. It's a risky strategy but if it's you, own it. But if you can avoid it, do that.

Also of course your h is the person most beholden to you on this. However you don't have to quash your negative feelings towards this woman just because he's the one with the wedding vows. It's not women blaming women for men's sexual choices, it's women being rightfully pissed with any party who has wronged them. If you go around hurting people you have to expect disdain not only from the people you hurt but also from the people that care about them. If you sleep with a married man but don't expect you may get an irate or heart broken wife on the phone, or see children crying, or wind up as a witness in court... don't do it. That's not harsh, that's reality. That's what happens when you don't consider the wider impact of your choices; and this from someone who may herself have made that mistake many, many moons ago.

Original poster
weehedgehog · 22/09/2016 12:29

thank you all - I don't know why I automatically went for the OW, when I quite rightly should sort things out with OH. He saw that I spotted the message, and started making excuses why he is not to blame, it's her fault, he never responded to any messages. The only thing he admitted to is he is encouraging the flirtatious behavior at work, and that he enjoyed the flirting as I've been unpleasant (yes, I admit I have been, but I knew something wasn't right and he was hiding stuff amongst lots of other shit). I don't think I believe him though, he's been very good at deleting messages - they were literally the only ones there.

Doesn't help that when I just called up my parents for support, my own mother didn't offer any sympathy, just said I need to fight for it, and that it takes two and my behaviour is probably partly to blame for him seeking out an affair. So much to getting support from your own mother :-(

OP posts:
fastdaytears · 22/09/2016 12:31

So sorry your mum said that. That's not fair at all Flowers

Nakupenda · 22/09/2016 12:32

I was with you til you said you wanted to keep the marriage going.

Sorry what marriage? The one where he cheats on you??

If you actually stay with him after this you'd be just as well writing him a little card permitting to have as much affairs as he'd like.

Have fun with that. Hmm

MuseumOfCurry · 22/09/2016 12:32

Oh god he sounds horrible. You were being unpleasant because you knew he was having an affair.

The only way I'd consider working things out is if he came clean about it, lying on top of it all compounds your trust issues.

Really sorry. Flowers

mrschatty · 22/09/2016 12:32

OMG op I'm so sorry. Flowers
I can't believe what your mum said
If my dh did this and then said it was because I'd been "unplesant" I'd be like " well you ain't seen nothing yet" and start looking into solicitors

MuseumOfCurry · 22/09/2016 12:32

Your mother sounds toxic.

icanteven · 22/09/2016 12:34

I can't believe your mother said that - I'm so sorry. She is WRONG - you know that, right?

ShouldHaveBeenJess · 22/09/2016 12:35

Don't contact her. I know the temptation is overwhelming, but you will most certainly lose any 'upper hand' if you do. I found out about my ex's affair via texts (actually, I first found out via eBay but that's a whole other story) and I actually put her number in my phone and obsessed about it for days but somehow resisted the urge.

When it was all out in the open, she apparently told him she wanted to phone me for a 'chat'. I told him if she wanted to speak to me, then she could do it face to face. Unsurprisingly, she declined. I've never met her, I never will and neither will my DS as she's been declared an unfit parent by SS, lost custody of her children and no longer bothers to maintain the visitation rights she was offered. She's lovely, he's miserable and I am moving on!

Wallywobbles · 22/09/2016 12:36

Start upping your game and prepare for divorce. You don't have to go the whole hog but at least you won't be playing catch up. And you'll have a much fairer fight once you know where you stand legally and what you are entitled to.

BatSegundo · 22/09/2016 12:37

No disrespect to your mother, but that's bollocks. It does two to have an affair, but only the two that are having it. Lots of couples have relationship problems but it is not a free pass to screw around.

And fight for what? This man is not a prize.

Sparklesilverglitter · 22/09/2016 12:37

Your own mother telling you to fight for what a marriage with a cheating fucker Shock is she stuck in the 1950's. With a mother like that eh?

No matter what your behaviour It is NOT your fault if he's been out cheating, he is an adult and he makes his own choices

MuseumOfCurry · 22/09/2016 12:37

The scariest thing you can possibly do to your husband is assume a sense of calm and resolve that you probably don't feel.

mydietstartsmonday · 22/09/2016 12:38

A marriage can survive infidelity but it is tough. You need to get the kids out of the house & sit down with him and talk it through and see if your marriage can survive.

If you want to send her something, send her a photo of the 5 of you smiling and as a family! Actually do it from his phone. You don't have to say any words and go from there.

Such a shame about your mum. He needs to want to fight for this marriage too.

Good luck