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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to text the OW?

126 replies

weehedgehog · 22/09/2016 11:37

After months of suspecting my husband is hiding something (and him telling me I'm paranoid), I have finally found some evidence of cheating this morning in the form of text messages saying 'night x' and 'miss you x'. I fully intent on texting her tonight, to reply to these messages to my husband...but not sure if it'll only make things worse. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to? Essentially just want to make her realise that I'm reading the messages and interrupt the affair and go from there. But how do I look like I still have the upper hand? (on a side note, we have been together for over 10 years, married 5, 3 kids).

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 22/09/2016 11:54

He's having an affair and you want to 'keep the marraige going'?

Are you sure?

SheDoneAlreadyDoneHadHerses · 22/09/2016 11:55

I'd be emptying the bank account of my half, changing the locks, calling the CSA, getting his name off the house, and binbagging his clothes for the doorstep.

MermaidTears · 22/09/2016 11:57

Not sure what the best advice is but yes I would probably call her rather than text.
Or turn up at work?!!!

Greyponcho · 22/09/2016 11:59

Oh, how I feel for you OP...
Take a note of the number and keep it somewhere safe. just in case you get the burning urge to write it in every public toilet

Texting her just gives her the opportunity to hurt you more, by gloating or giving you grief (just as my now exDPs OW did when I called her in a rage when I found out he was moving in with her, but interestingly, she provided some pointers for irrefutable proof of how long it has been going on gloating on her part, which would've been very useful tbh if it was a case of divorce).

But the problem is with him. But you both need to want the marriage to work, it can't be one sided and at the moment it doesn't look very positive. Is it a full blown affair or an emotional one?

Flowers for you OP.

CocktailQueen · 22/09/2016 12:02

I can understand your desire to do this, but try to hold off, OP. Don't let her see she's upset you. Instead, why not pack your h's stuff in a bin bag and leave it outside for him to collect?

Ask him to move out for a while, give you breathing space (then cut all his suits up, drink his wine collection...)

Flowers, OP.

Goingtobeawesome · 22/09/2016 12:02

Make him change his number.

I understand you wanting to contact her. Ime it doesn't go well and archives nothing more than a few seconds of positivity.

It's not about the upper hand. He's not a prize bull. Decide what he has to do to stay married and go from there.

Eyeslikesheepsfannys1 · 22/09/2016 12:02

Rip his bollocks off anyway, might not acheive much but it'll make you feel better Flowers

WorraLiberty · 22/09/2016 12:03

Shedone, you can't just remove your spouse's name from a house, change the locks and dump their clothes outside.

OP, whatever you eventually decide to do, you really do need to start planning in case you both do split up Thanks

icanteven · 22/09/2016 12:03

The OW has nothing to do with you, even if she knows. She is not married to you, she owes you NOTHING. By passing ANY responsibility on to her, you are feeding into our culture that automatically blames women for men's sexual desires and activity. Get that out of your head right now.

Your HUSBAND is 100% to blame here and nobody else. He is a shameless, manipulative bastard, and if you manage to get him to break up with his girlfriend (WHY WOULD YOU WANT THIS?), he'll be back at it again with her or somebody else within weeks. He will not suddenly "remember" his marriage vows, and fall adoringly and faithfully at your feet.

At this point, your best bet is to seek financial advice, make sure you know where every penny is, move all available cash into an account that he can't drain the minute you throw him out and leave you with no cashflow. Find out what you are entitled to claim, if anything, sort out your employment situation so that you have enough hours to support yourself alone (you may have to for the time being) and THROW HIS SORRY ARSE OUT.

If his girlfriend knows he's married, she must also know that she risks having to take him on full time. Let's see how keen she is on her sexy affair when he's cluttering up her bathroom every morning.

Goingtobeawesome · 22/09/2016 12:03

Achieves *

Sparklesilverglitter · 22/09/2016 12:04

I think I'd focus my energy on to skinning my lying cheating DH alive tbh the ow would not be top of my priorities.

Yes it takes 2 to have an affair but she didn't cheat on you that fucking bastard did, he was the one that knew he had DW & DC and still dropped his pants!

Don't make any decisions right now about leaving/staying with him, take all the time you need!

For me personally if DH ever cheated that would be us done and the same if I cheated. Not something I'd forgive but I know friends that have forgiven and gone forward

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 22/09/2016 12:05

I don't know what I'd do in this position. Will you use his phone or yours? Would you text from his, "BTW did I tell you I'd never leave my darling wife?" Or is this a very bad idea?

MuseumOfCurry · 22/09/2016 12:05

How do you know that your husband knows?

And I agree with all the previous posters - I wouldn't acknowledge her existence.

icanteven · 22/09/2016 12:05

I'm sorry - that was super shouty and mean. I'm really sorry that you are going through this, and you don't need strangers on the internet being horrible to add to it all.

Have you got anybody IRL to talk to? What's the situation with children?

Apologies Flowers Flowers Flowers

Greyponcho · 22/09/2016 12:06

Ooh, it would be so tempting to say you've been to the 'clinic' & have been advised to inform your partners of the results...

But far more productive to empty bank accounts, get a solicitor, change the locks, bin his stuff and kick his sorry lying cheating sod arse to the gutter.
Oh and tell his family and friends what a prick he is before he goes looking for sympathy.

MuseumOfCurry · 22/09/2016 12:07

Ooh, it would be so tempting to say you've been to the 'clinic' & have been advised to inform your partners of the results...

Really? I think this would make the OP look like a silly school girl.

user1471459653 · 22/09/2016 12:08

Weehedgehog, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I totally understand why you feel you want to text the OW but it really wouldn't help matters. I speak from experience, and FWIW I do get the frustration and anger regarding the sort of person who knowingly - and apparently uncaringly , even gloatingly - engages in a relationship with a married man.
But, as others have pointed out, HE is the one you must deal with.

What do you want? Please think of your needs. I hope you are OK.

fastdaytears · 22/09/2016 12:08

Keep your dignity. She is nothing to do with you.

Work on getting rid of the cheating husband.

Eatthecake · 22/09/2016 12:08

I wouldn't, she isn't married to you and didn't cheat on you. Your dirty lying bastard of a DH did! You want to be angry with somebody well direct it at him!

I'd never forgive such behaviour Selfish Fucker!

Take all the time you need to decide if you want things to end or stay together. 💐

shovetheholly · 22/09/2016 12:09

Great post ican'teven

I think my no 1 demand in your shoes, OP, would be that my DH changed jobs so he was no longer anywhere near this woman. That and couple's therapy.

All that assumes, though, that he's worth the hassle. His behaviour suggests not.

icanteven · 22/09/2016 12:10

blitheringbuzzards1234

Or send her a barrage of texts saying "Weehedgehog knows everything - my darling, now is our chance!"

"I'm moving in with you this weekend, and we'll have the kids every weekend, and it will be wonderful!"

"There's a van coming around with all my stuff on Friday - don't worry! We'll fit it in somewhere - you have too much stuff anyway, so we can make space!"

"Don't forget that the kids will need a room too - we'll work it out!"

"Hurray! I'm so happy for us! Aren't you?"

"Babes? Babes? Are you still there?"

etc etc. you could keep it up for a whole day if you time it right.

Greyponcho · 22/09/2016 12:10

this will make OP look like a silly school girl

I think it might be a stark reminder to the OW that there can be consequences from sleeping around. If the OP's OH is shagging his OW, what makes everyone assume she's his only OW?

(Sorry, OP, but worth getting yourself checked out tbh)

SheldonsSpot · 22/09/2016 12:12

Apparently she is very much aware of it all, and enjoys it BECAUSE he is unavailable

In that case the only text I'd send her is one telling her he's now totally available.

icanteven · 22/09/2016 12:12

(this is why my DH was so horrified when I asked him did he think I should retrain to be a counsellor)

GabsAlot · 22/09/2016 12:13

no offence as youre prob in shock but why is it women always go straight fro the ow?

is it just shock or what-shes not married to u he is why arent u tearing strips off him

regardless of that how do u know aswell that she likes hes unavaiable?

men are crap theyre ego needs to be stroked and think they can get away with anything