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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to text the OW?

126 replies

weehedgehog · 22/09/2016 11:37

After months of suspecting my husband is hiding something (and him telling me I'm paranoid), I have finally found some evidence of cheating this morning in the form of text messages saying 'night x' and 'miss you x'. I fully intent on texting her tonight, to reply to these messages to my husband...but not sure if it'll only make things worse. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to? Essentially just want to make her realise that I'm reading the messages and interrupt the affair and go from there. But how do I look like I still have the upper hand? (on a side note, we have been together for over 10 years, married 5, 3 kids).

OP posts:

Hockeydude · 22/09/2016 13:35

Gather evidence.
You might need it, you might not. Take photos of his phone screen using your phone etc.
Don't let on what you know.

cadnowyllt · 22/09/2016 14:00

Don't bother trying to gather the evidence for adultery - difficult to get (you'd need to prove sexual intercourse had taken place - OW not pregnant is she ?) - far easier to go for unreasonable behaviour. In any event, divorces are very very rarely defended - it costs too much for one thing.

(Most adultery cases rely on a 'confession statement' by the respondent)

SuperFlyHigh · 22/09/2016 14:06

Just wanted to say I am very sorry this has happened to you - this is usually on relationships board (they are apparently very good there re this).

I'm not surprised you want to text OW. I am also not surprised at your DM's comment (though I think it is wrong) so many people sometimes of an older generation think it's 'your fault'. My own mum when her first DH cheated on her and was told by her DM (my DGM) that it was her fault because her husband was 'so good looking he was bound to cheat!'

I've worked for a divorce lawyer but not got much advice apart from maybe it's worth consulting one. All we did was carry the proceedings through, sort out financial orders etc.

SuperFlyHigh · 22/09/2016 14:07

I agree with cad it's very rare to see adultery named or a 'respondent' in an adultery case... like it almost never happens these days. Unreasonable behaviour far easier.

DinosaursRoar · 22/09/2016 17:07

Livia - or another interpretation of "laying down the law" would be more "spell out how you expect him to behave if he wants to continue with the marriage, being very clear what you expect and that not complying will lead to you dumping his sorry arse" - too many woman feel terribly passive at this stage, what does he want? what will he do?

Taking control of your own situation and saying that you will only tolerate him being part of your life if he does A B and C and stops doing X Y and Z is a good move, particularly if the main reason he's had an affair is he's taken the OP's affection for granted.

Making it clear that her love is conditional is sensible advice. After such a long time together, it can be easy to just take the other one for granted.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 22/09/2016 17:15

That's why I said to walk away, if you read the rest of my post. You can't control the actions of another adult - if they behave in a way which you can't accept (and I think cheating generally comes into that category!) then you either live with it or you walk away. Neither are easy choices but you can only control your own feelings about it.

And telling him to comply or he will be out on his arse IS passive - how would you feel if your DP said that to you (regardless of circumstances) - issuing an ultimatum isn't going to make the other person step into line, more likely they will do what they want to anyway (and in fact make a point of doing so)

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 22/09/2016 17:18

But conditional upon what? Was it conditional upon not cheating once? Twice? I don't believe in ultimatums or threats to leave - he may or may not cheat again, telling him to stay faithful or else is a tad pointless.

ElectricMelon · 22/09/2016 17:32

I confronted my ex's OW. I think she was glad because he sure as hell wasn't going to tell me or end things any time soon so I did them a favour and sped things along so she could finally 'have' him. She didn't care and she seemed to enjoy the whole thing and it was all just a little game to her. She fully enjoyed winding me up and I only ended up even more upset. If I could go back I wouldn't have given her the satisfaction.

I'm so sorry OP, this is an awful thing to go through and you don't deserve any of it

PterodactylToenails · 27/09/2016 10:18

I can go into the settings on my phone and block phone numbers. If his phone has this facility I would block OWs number from his phone without letting him know of course!

LagunaBubbles · 27/09/2016 10:30

Whats the point in blocking the OWs number from his phone though? They see each other frequently, it wouldnt be too long before he realised!

OP if your DH wants to continue the affair - then he will. No amount of games, confrontations, texting etc will stop him. Its where you go from here thats the issue now.

Pineapplemilkshake · 27/09/2016 10:42

Don't do it!

I did it once years ago and came out looking the worst. The OW played the victim and embellished a lot of what I said, and XDP believed her. It was awful.

In hindsight I wish I'd just walked away.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/09/2016 11:06

Yeah because blocking the OW's number is going to stop him ever thinking about having an affair or looking at another woman, plus it's such a mature thing to do

OP doesn't have to stay in the relationship but she can hold on to some dignity either way.

ItWentInMyEye · 27/09/2016 11:19

I think unless you've been in this situation you can give all the advice in the world about keeping the upper hand etc, but when you're the one it's happening to it's a different kettle of fish. I've been in your position and I phoned the OW, because that's what I wanted to do. I was in control, I gave her some home truths and then I dealt with him. Only you can decide what's the best course of action for you and your family.

Inertia · 27/09/2016 11:26

The only way to retain the upper hand is to pack him and all his stuff off to her, get your financial security sorted, and instruct a divorce solicitor.

There's nothing here to fight for. Your husband would need to be the one fighting to save the marriage if it were salvageable, and he's still at the stage of squirming around in his own maggoty pit of lies.

gingina · 27/09/2016 12:07

Nothing you can say to the OW will have any impact on her.
She knows he's married with kids and she doesn't care. She has hurt you and hurt your kids but she doesn't care.
If you engage with her she won't care - your anger/rage/upset is nothing to do with her.
Play the long game.
Get shot of his cheating arse and watch her claim her 'prize' then spend the next few years waiting for him to do it to her.
Because he will .... and by then you will be over him!

Its shit now but it won't always be.

hmcAsWas · 27/09/2016 12:11

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Bin him - or prepare to go through the same thing again (and again) further down the line

Champagneformyrealfriends · 27/09/2016 12:20

Op consider asking this to be moved to relationships-they're a good bunch and give great advice. I am so sorry this is happening

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/09/2016 12:44

OP, I'm sorry this is happening to you. Make plans for what you want irrespective of your husband because you have no guarantees that your marriage will continue.

I know it's tempting to get in contact with the OW but please don't. She may just hang up on you or it may please her even more to know that she has affected you so much.

... and for heavens sake, please don't send any of the messages that have been suggested here, they're beyond pathetic and you will look like a really foolish woman. You don't need to be laughed at on top of what you're going through, you really don't.

Take this up with your husband and if you want your marriage to continue, focus your attention on letting him know how much he has affected you.

WrongEndoftheTelescope · 27/09/2016 17:20

My motto is, Never let a stranger who's hurt you know that they've had any impact on you. They do not deserve to know what you feel or think, about them or anyone else.

Don't give her the satisfaction of knowing she's got to you. OP

Ignore her, pretend she is of no consequence or that she doesn't even exist.

MaQueen · 27/09/2016 18:13

Please, please keep your dignity and behave like an adult. Do not contact her. Certainly do not send any of the suggested texts on here (unless you want to look and sound like a bitter teenager).

Cool, calm and collected should be your motto.

PerpendicularVincent · 27/09/2016 18:47

As tempting as it is, with the exception of being highly tempted by sending icanteven's texts as a wind up, I wouldn't bother. OW isn't worth a second of your time.

You must be in shock and very hurt now, and saving your marriage sounds like the easy option. But; I'd only consider that if he was truly sorry, and committed to you and being faithful. It doesn't sound like he is though.

It sounds like he thinks he can minimise, blame you, get annoyed and it all blows over. Fuck that, you deserve more. Could you ever trust him again?

SandyY2K · 27/09/2016 18:53

You have to be prepared to loose your marriage to save it. Operate from a position of "I'm not staying married to a cheater" and things will change rapidly.

When you start with I'm fighting for it, the cheater senses your fear and realises you aren't going anywhere. They don't ever get to the point of loosing you and realising that there could be divorce and 2 homes.

As long as he works with her. The affair is still on. He's basically gaslighted you which is terribly abusive.

There are many in your situation unfortunately and you may find this helpful.

www.survivinginfidelity.com

Revealall · 27/09/2016 20:02

I also agree with EatSleep. I also don't think affairs are just down to the husband - after all if someone has written The Script" it's a well known pattern of behaviour. Do you really think that he genuinely wants to leave the marriage or is he enjoying the having it all? I have friends that divorced and friends that stayed and neither regret their decision. Although the ones that stay do have live with their decision whilst the leavers get to move on and get over it.

In answer to the op;
They have both behaved badly. She may not have made vows to you but it's still pathetic that women in this day and age still regard having an "exciting relationship" more important than behaving well and treating others as they would like themselves. If she genuinely loved him there is no reason why she can't wait until your husband mans up and leaves properly. I expect it's as you guessed and she likes the thrill of the having something she shouldn't.
Perhaps what you decide to do with her really depends on whether you want to stay or go. If you intend to stay even for a while, say nothing. It gives you more options. And you don't need to dignify her exsistence.

If you do decide to leave the marriage I would give them both what for. She is absolutely in the wrong and I can't believe people are saying different.

RedTitsMcGinty · 27/09/2016 23:47

OP, I found out about my STBXH's affair when I saw a text from the OW. He followed the script line by line. They all do. As previous posters have said, your husband is the one who broke the marriage vows, not her. Yeah, and that's true, but then again she knowingly went along with it so she's a person who consciously caused someone else a lot of pain and heartbreak, therefore she's a cunt too. Hate her as much as you like - they both deserve it - but please don't give her the satisfaction of any contact.

Elkilil · 26/10/2017 10:27

I'm not sure.. maybe you should listen to the people who know from that end... but I can tell you I was the other women and it wasn't a game to me.. I didn't know the wife, It was nothing personal against her and aside from the fact that the relationship is a secret it can be so easy to be caught up in the affair and forget about who your affecting on the other end. I think maybe if the wife msg'd me it might of made me more aware, but I think it depends how you do it.. if you come across nasty she might find herself more justified in doing what she is doing. So I would come across nicely. Other women feel guilt too.

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