AIBU to text the OW?

[weehedgehog]

After months of suspecting my husband is hiding something (and him telling me I'm paranoid), I have finally found some evidence of cheating this morning in the form of text messages saying 'night x' and 'miss you x'. I fully intent on texting her tonight, to reply to these messages to my husband...but not sure if it'll only make things worse. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to? Essentially just want to make her realise that I'm reading the messages and interrupt the affair and go from there. But how do I look like I still have the upper hand? (on a side note, we have been together for over 10 years, married 5, 3 kids).

All texting will achieve is confirm what he has no doubt told her about you being a mad harpy he stays with for the sake of the kids.

This ^

It would give her grounds in her own head to justify what she's done or is doing.

Apparently she is very much aware of it all, and enjoys it BECAUSE he is unavailable

The only text message I would send her is that she can come and collect your DH and his stuff from your doorstep as he is hers to keep now.

He's a cheating shit and you need to end this marriage. He isn't even sorry -notice he is blaming you already for his affair (poor him, having to contend with you being a bit unpleasant about his lying and shagging about!). He knows you know, yet is continuing to see her. He has no respect for you or his children. Get out. Honestly.

OP, he is following the 'script', everytime you question him he will reveal a little bit more.

Look up 'the script' or have a read of this;

script

Eatsleep, extremely wise words.

Op, of course you feel aggrieved by this work colleague, it's only natural and I would feel exactly the same (been there) It does take two, it takes two selfish, self centred people to be so consumed by themselves that they give not a shiny shit about anyone else.

The ripples of deceit spread far and wide. I hope you've better support from rl friends because it doesn't sound like you have any from your dm.

In the first instance is your dh sorry? What steps is he taking to assure you that's all this was, some random texts? I'm sorry but I do believe there maybe more to this story. Maybe you've caught it in time though.

I would insist he change his mobile number or delete/block her as a contact, remove her from all social networking sites etc He has no doubt told her that you've seen her texts and they can still chat together at work, this is where it becomes a bit more tricky regarding no contact.

How do you feel, do you really believe it was all just texts?

He's the one who has hurt you. he should be the one who is punished. Realistically whether or not her morals are on point, she has no loyalty to you to make sure your husband doesn't emotionally or otherwise cheat on you.
Why yell at her? confront him and deal with the source not the symptom.

Do whatever you need to do to feel better. If you think communicating with her will help, then do it! You are totally justified in wanting her to realise the reality of her actions. Get it out of your system and then focus on how to move on without him.

And in answer to your question, I wouldn't text her but I'd get it out of my system by texting a reply to her but never sending it.

The amount of times I found myself having imaginary spats with the ow, good therapy at the time.

buzzard. So, so true...

OP - your mum has it the wrong way round. If your marriage is going to surivive, it can only do so if he is going to fight for it.

You will get a chorus of MNers telling you you have to end it, and perhaps it won't work out, you need to be prepared to accept it might well be over, the marriage you had is over, there might be a new relationship, but only if he does all the running.

You can not fix this, you shouldn't try. If he wants you, truely, not just staying with you because it's easier, then he'll fight for you.

The marriages that have survived affairs without masses of bitterness I know have involved the person who had the affair fighting for their family. It usually has involved cutting all contact with the OW/M, which in this case would include your H looking for a new job. (and frankly, it's probably the gossip of the office already and made him a bit of a joke even if he doesn't realise, best he starts looking for a new job anyway)

It could well be that while he's panicking about you finding out, when faced with having to choose, he won't choose you if you aren't going to run after him, you need to prepare yourself for that.

I agree with eatsleep. Many years ago my DP cheated on me with my flatmate. I didn't hold back. When the OW tried to hug me (wtf?) I punched her in the tit.

However that was the only thing I did to her, and that was because she was trying to touch me and being insufferably patronising. I correctly thought that the person who deserved my anger was DP. I took out most of my rage on his stuff, which he asked me to pack up and send on. I wrecked most of his clothes, among other childish actions.

Was it undignified? Yes. But it did me the world of good and to this day I'm glad I did it. Sometimes, when someone has treated you outrageously badly, you need to express your rage, as long as what you do won't bring the cops down on your head.

buzzard, I just clicked on the link and oh my god, it's so true! It is exactly what he has been doing.........

sprayedred - I honestly don't know. I only found the texts this morning. He reassured me it was only one-sided texts, but the more I think about it, the less likely I am to believe him. He's been out too many times in the evenings returning in the early hours in the morning, working stupid long hours etc etc. He also blocked all access to his devices. Completely. And that was a few months ago. I suspect there may be more to it than 'just' flirting, but he will only admit to what I know/find...until today he resolutely denied he was doing anything at all!

Then today you need access to all devices - tell him you don't trust him now and he's got to help you rebuild the trust.

If it's truely onesided and he doesn't want her attention, is he prepared to talk to HR about her in appropriate behaviour towards a colleague?

Ok well if you want to save your marriage, you have to be strategic here. If you bend over and forgive him instantly, prepare for another OW next year, and another, and another...

So you scare the fuck out of him, make him do the begging and pleading by instigating immediate separation and consult a lawyer - bluff it. That's what will make him sit up and cop on and treat you with a bit of respect.

Was just going to link to the Script.

OP.

Do not believe a single word he says. If you do ever have any contact with her, for whatever reason, just remind yourself she is far more likely to tell you the truth than he will. He will keep telling you what he's already telling you, she will tell you that of course they've fucked, that according to him, the marriage has been over for years yada yada.

He will cry. A lot. He will beg. Possibly on his knees. He will make a dramatic display of blocking her on social media. And for a few weeks, or months, you'll tentatively believe it's OK. It might be. But relationships is full of threads like yours, where wives take back their lying cheating scum husbands and 6 mths down the line, they find out that the day he blocked her on his iphone, he added her on his PAYG Samsung. The one you didn't even know he had.

God alive woman!
WAKE UP!
the OW isn't the one who made a promise to not stick their genitals elsewhere.
not only as he pulled the wool over your eyes, covered his tracks and made a fucking mockery of you he is now BLAMING you.
For gods sake.
WAKE UP AND LTB!
if married-
1.Get evidence together, you may need this to claim adultery in your divorce.

1. assuming you own your property ask him to leave. Do not change the locks, this could land you in hot water, but put a chain on the door that cannot be opened from the outside. This means you have a stronger case for claiming its for protection (ie of burglars) as opposed to deliberately keeping him out of his house. if you do not own the house, leave and rent somewhere else or ask him to remove his name from the lease. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DO YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE IF YOU OWN IT, even jointly.
2. once he has left, consult a solicitor
3. work out CM payments and visitation. Unless you have doubts about him as a dad, then do offer a reasonable schedule (one weekend overnight a fortnight, 1-2 days/afternoons together in the week?)
4. work out your finances. How you will afford to live, what bills you can cut down on for example, What expenditure you will need to get rid of, where you will live (If renting in step 2). If on a lowish income or a SAHM use benefit calculators to figure out if you're entitled to something, it may not be much but an extra £100 a month could well be a godsend.
5. keep strong. Be strong. Don't bend, don't break. you are worth more.

If you are not married, same as above, but skip step 1, 3 and realize that in step 2 unless you jointly own your home on paper, You will likely need to leave (or he will be if you own it) Don't belittle yourself by staying

The only thing he admitted to is he is encouraging the flirtatious behavior at work, and that he enjoyed the flirting as I've been unpleasant

he is a prince. right well if he is going to make victim blaming claims like that- you need to get armed for a battle here.

and there is no better place than MN

OH I am every so sorry you are on this road, so sorry

I would wait until your husband is home (ie so they can't speak) and then send her a text along the lines of:-

"Fred says that you are a silly little girl with a schoolgirl crush on him and that he wouldn't touch you with a barge pole. Can you let me know the truth of what happened between you. Evidence would help me believe you."

Then give your husband one chance to tell the truth and save the marriage.

Only if you want to be known as the batshit wife.

He is the one who betrayed you, if not with her then it would have been with someone else.

If you phone/text her, you will look unhinged, she will either get defensive or laugh at you. Focus your feelings on him.

armed for a battle

A battle for what?

The OP can decided to forgive him or she can split with him, get what she's owed in the divorce and get on with her life. Using words like 'battle' seems somewhat overdramatic

So sorry you are going through this, you and your children deserve so much better.
The problem is with men like this you have to let them go, because if you don't you are agreeing to an open marriage.
Fine if this is what you want, it's all out in the open and you respect the new relationship and sex life.
At the moment you are saying fine love, go and shag ow and I'll be here for you when you get back.
This isn't what you appear to be saying you want, so you have one choice.
Ducks in a row, solicitor and divorce. let her have him and she can be the one looking over the shoulder all the time, as she becomes gf creating a vacancy for an ow.

And speak to a solicitor before you change the locks etc to check you actually have a right to do that.

He honestly thinks he has all the power and is desirable enough to get 2 woman fighting over him. Don't fight. It is the only way your marriage can survive this - he has to feel like he is close to losing you. That he has lost the choice. He has to be fucking terrified of flirty girls at work because you won't stand for it and he'll lose you.

If he doesn't love you, then he won't fight for your marriage, he won't fight for you. But if he doesn't love you, then your marriage would only survive you begging him to stay with you until he meets an OW he does love. You would be buying a bit of time, not fixing things by fighting.

And if you have to lay down the law to him, then the relationship is over anyway. You can't stop him behaving how he wants, he's a grown man.

What you can do is walk away from the relationship and get on with your life.