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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at MIL

121 replies

LouBlue1507 · 09/09/2016 13:11

So I've had a message off MIL today, telling me she's in the area tomorrow morning and she'll pop in for a cuppa to us and DD on her way past...

... I've already got plans tomorrow, I'm going out at lunchtime, I've got stuff I need to do around house to do before DPs brothers arrive in the afternoon to see him and I want to squeeze in a lie in!

... I messaged MIL saying sorry not convenient tomorrow, I'm doing XYZ but maybe see you in the week if you're free?

... I've had a message back saying what time you leaving? I'll pop in anyway! Er no! I've said no! You don't tell me that your coming to my house when I've made it clear it's not convenient! Grrrr!

I've spoke to DP and he's going to 'sort it out' 😩

I don't think I am BU at all but want to know what other people think?
You don't just tell someone you're popping over, surely you ask first?? And if that person says no it's not a great time, you don't say you're coming anyway! Grrrr!

OP posts:
imwithspud · 09/09/2016 13:12

YANBU that's very rude and annoying. If she comes round lock the door (if she's one of those who lets herself in) and don't answer when she knocks.

SimplyLovely · 09/09/2016 13:14

You cant get cross at MILs on MN it seems lol they are ammazing creatures who can do no wrong.....

I'd make sure your DP does sort it out. Mine has a bad habit of forgetting to sort out MIL problems.
Yanbu Smile

SmellySphinx · 09/09/2016 13:15

Message back, say "Sorry (name) I'll be sleeping...got a very long day tomorrow. See you next week sometime. I'll message you to see when you're free :) "

Then leave it to your other half to sort out

JammyDodger16 · 09/09/2016 13:18

Repeat your message back... Reiterate it is not convenient and you will see her in the week. Very rude! YANBU

Hagothehills · 09/09/2016 13:25

Yanbu at all. How presumptuous of your mil. If she knocks, I wouldn't ignore her, but I would say to her something like -I said I was busy, you know where the kettle is, I'm leaving in x minutes

MinonsMovie · 09/09/2016 13:27

Yanbu, but are you making it a big thing of it by involving you dp?
Just text back, "Tomorrow doesn't work. How are you fixed through the week?"

If she's like my mother-in-law she'll get the hint and give you the silent treatment for a while ... Win win! Grin

SandyY2K · 09/09/2016 13:28

I'd just ignore the second text and not open the door tomorrow morning.

ProseccoBitch · 09/09/2016 13:29

YANBU at all but I think you should deal with it yourself, just send another text I'm sorry but tomorrow just isn't convenient.

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 09/09/2016 13:30

I haven't messaged back! And I will ignore the door tomorrow! I've left DP to sort t as she'll phone him later tonight!

OP posts:
lavenderpekins · 09/09/2016 13:33

Don't get your dh to sort it out (then you'll always have to).

Text her and be honest! Give her the benefit of the doubt and in the long you'll be closer for it..

'Dear mil, so sorry would love to see you. Thing is I'm desperate for a lie in! Don't suppose you mind coming on any of these days instead? Thanks so much love op xx'

lavenderpekins · 09/09/2016 13:34

Just be open & honest & brave.. This is exactly why relationships get so difficult & painful! Just communicate!

Whereismumhiding2 · 09/09/2016 13:35

I agree with MinionsMovie' s suggested second text to MIL. You don't need to explain anymore to her, it just doesn't work for you that day.

PricklyHodgeheg · 09/09/2016 13:39

Is she usually this pushy?

I've been there with my mil. I ended up going out for the day with DD as she wouldn't take 'no' for an answer Angry she got the message after that though!

You must put your foot down now otherwise she will think she can get away with this every time. It's best if you can sort it out yourself, then she knows she can't walk all over you.

Tell her again that it's not convenient and that you will be out, but you could soften the blow by suggesting a different day. Good luck!

Ameliablue · 09/09/2016 13:39

I guess it depends on your wording, you may have thought you made it clear you didn't want her to come at all but she may have thought you meant something else.

flanjabelle · 09/09/2016 13:40

"Sorry tomorrow really doesn't work for me. I'll call you in the week. Love op. X"

Job done.

deepdarkwood · 09/09/2016 13:42

I'm amazed this is one to involved your husband on! You said you were doing x, she didn't know you were also planning a lie-in - so she thought you might still fit her in.

I'd just text back - sorry, I'm afraid I've got a ton of stuff to sort before I leave in the morning so tomorrow won't work - I'm not allowing myself any tea break time! How about xxx date.

No drama. All fixed.

Gallievans · 09/09/2016 13:45

Could you suggest she comes around at same time as the brothers? (or have I read this wrong and they are your side of the family?)

If not, just respond and say "I'm really sorry, but tomorrow just isn't good, how about X day at X time instead? We'd love to see you then!"

That way she's got a set date and can't say you are being unreasonable.

diddl · 09/09/2016 13:50

Will your husband be there then & does he want to see her?

If so he surely can see his mum & you just get on & do what you have planned?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/09/2016 13:51

In THIS particular instance, I'd message back saying "good oh, bring your rubber gloves and cleaning things, you can help me clean prior to your other sons turning up in the afternoon! Or, we can leave it to a day when I don't have twenty other things to get done"

APlaceOnTheCouch · 09/09/2016 13:52

If she's not in the area that often then I think you are being a teeny bit unreasonable. We have elderly parents and a DS who adores seeing them so I'd probably forgo the lie-in to let them spend time with each other.

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 09/09/2016 13:54

I did explain my plans to her and put XYZ here because I cba writing it all out! 🙈 She still insisted on 'popping in'... She can't come come while DPs brothers are here because they're going to cinema and having some lad time (brothers birthday). They've specifically said they wanted to come here rather than DP go there as they want a day without their mum, dad and other family!

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/09/2016 13:57

The other option, if she won't be put off, is to answer the door in a hurried state, remind her of where the kettle is, tell her you'd love a cuppa as well while she's making hers, and then CARRY ON DOING WHAT YOU WERE DOING. Don't let her stop you!

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 09/09/2016 13:57

diddl We have a 6 week old baby so we want a lie in tomorrow whilst DP has a day off... I'll get a little lie in if baby sleeps then I'll get in and let DP have a good lie in as he's knackered! He's been looking forward to it all week bless!

OP posts:
diddl · 09/09/2016 14:01

Well if it's not convenient to him either then that's the end of it.

Congratulations on the baby!

NanaNina · 09/09/2016 14:04

Dare I ask if DP is going to be at home and so maybe she could have a "cuppa" with her son? As ever the DILs are out in force and I will soon be told that I think all MILs are nice people (which I don't) and that I'm not giving MILs a very good name (as I'm one) that one always makes me wonder if the DILs don't realise they are giving DILs a bad name.

What a fuss about a quick call in - maybe you could leave her a cuppa outside the front door so as not to upset your morning. My ILs many years ago used to call every Sat morning when we were both working and having a lie in, but I'd never have dreamed of asking them not to come - so rude. In fact they decided for themselves that it wasn't fair to get us out of bed every Sat morning.