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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at MIL

121 replies

LouBlue1507 · 09/09/2016 13:11

So I've had a message off MIL today, telling me she's in the area tomorrow morning and she'll pop in for a cuppa to us and DD on her way past...

... I've already got plans tomorrow, I'm going out at lunchtime, I've got stuff I need to do around house to do before DPs brothers arrive in the afternoon to see him and I want to squeeze in a lie in!

... I messaged MIL saying sorry not convenient tomorrow, I'm doing XYZ but maybe see you in the week if you're free?

... I've had a message back saying what time you leaving? I'll pop in anyway! Er no! I've said no! You don't tell me that your coming to my house when I've made it clear it's not convenient! Grrrr!

I've spoke to DP and he's going to 'sort it out' 😩

I don't think I am BU at all but want to know what other people think?
You don't just tell someone you're popping over, surely you ask first?? And if that person says no it's not a great time, you don't say you're coming anyway! Grrrr!

OP posts:
Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 09/09/2016 14:08

NanaNina

I like my MIL, really do but tomorrow isn't convenient and it's rude to insist she comes.

DP wants a lie in for a change and I don't blame him. I've got stuff I need to do and can't get it done with guests under my feet!

I've offered to meet up next week instead :)

OP posts:
imwithspud · 09/09/2016 14:08

The fuss isn't about a quick call in. It's the insistence that she is coming round despite the op making it clear that it's not convenient. That is rude regardless of who you are.

TobleroneBoo · 09/09/2016 14:13

Cant she be there when Dp's brother is there? Presumably her son?

NanaNina · 09/09/2016 14:15

"DP wants a lie in" - what he's not prepared to get up to have a quick cuppa with his mother!! Beyond selfish as far as I'm concerned.

NanaNina · 09/09/2016 14:16

"DP wants a lie in" - what he's not prepared to get up to have a quick cuppa with his mother!! Beyond selfish as far as I'm concerned.

NanaNina · 09/09/2016 14:18

Sorry didn't mean to post twice! Leave her a mug outside with a tea bag in and tell her she can enter the kitchen briefly to get some boiling water Grin

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 09/09/2016 14:19

NanaNina Not selfish when DP is working all week in a new, stressful job and functioning on a few hours sleep due to having a newborn baby!
My DP is the furthest thing from selfish so kindly do one!

OP posts:
WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 09/09/2016 14:19

Do we have the same MIL?

diddl · 09/09/2016 14:20

Why should he have to see his mum if it's not convenient/he doesn't want to?

fabulous01 · 09/09/2016 14:23

I did the same once but mine still arrived. It is 2 hour drive but as I said it didn't suit we had left the house for a day trip!! She learnt the hard way

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 09/09/2016 14:25

Send a reply text, do not leave it to your DH or I'll put money on her turning up 😁

Just say 'Sorry, as I said, tomorrow isn't convenient. Does X day next week suit you?'

NanaNina · 09/09/2016 14:29

Well what drip feeding - we never heard about the new, stressful job and a newborn baby! Maybe MIL wants to see her new grandchild, if there is one! Diddl I just know you are going to pop up to defend all DILs on these threads, it's so utterly predictable. Of course you have the right but I'm always being told I "pop up" on these threads so thought I'd comment for a change.

I don't get why you didn't mention a newborn baby in your OP OP? You seem to be a very laid back couple (both wanting lie in's) what with a newborn? And the new mum is off out at lunchtime, a house full of guests in the afternoon (not sure how many of DP's brothers will be there) but it's not a problem. Seems it's MIL that's the problem - can't she hold the newborn while the parents both have their lie in!

ParadiseCity · 09/09/2016 14:34

If my DC start a new job and have a 6 week old baby I'd like to think I might offer to drop off some dinner for them/look after older sibling/mow the lawn/something useful.

Why the feck would I invite myself round when its not convenient and keep insisting on it?!

I'd prob message her saying 'Hope DP has been in touch by know but just in case he is busy at work, thought you would like to know it is going well so far - sorry again about tomorrow, see you another time' attach cute picture of baby and press send.

LucilleBluth · 09/09/2016 14:34

Awwww, maybe the MIl just wants a cuddle with the six week old.

StressedNHSemployee · 09/09/2016 14:35

It does not matter whether she had wrote if she had got 100 kids or none. The fact is that it is NOT convenient.

end of!

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 09/09/2016 14:35

And the new mum is off out at lunchtime, a house full of guests in the afternoon (not sure how many of DP's brothers will be there) but it's not a problem

  • I'm off out with DD to see my grandparents who have only met DD once.
  • Brothers are coming to spend some 'lad' time with DP as its their birthday. Yes it's ok, it was arranged and I'll be out of their way! Letting them do what it is lads do! Footy probably!
OP posts:
loulou0987 · 09/09/2016 14:38

mine used to come to our house (a half an hour drive), then stand and outside and ring to see if we were in! When we answered the phone she would say 'Im outside can you let me in!!!'
She soon stopped when my dh said No can you come back in an hour!!!

diddl · 09/09/2016 14:39

" can't she hold the newborn while the parents both have their lie in!"

She can see the baby next week as offered by Op.

ThreeSheetsToTheWind · 09/09/2016 14:40

No. YANBU. But better sort it sooner rather than later.

Congratulations on the baby Flowers I hope you have a lovely lie-in and a great time with your DGPs.

LizB62A · 09/09/2016 14:41

Is NanaNina OP's MiL ?!?!

MyKingdomForBrie · 09/09/2016 14:43

Nana Op had mentioned the new born - she said she had a six week old baby! Why so aggressive? How on earth is it selfish to want a lie in on his day off?! Ridiculous post.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/09/2016 14:44

What StressedNHS said - it's neither here nor there what the OP's familial circumstances are - what the OP and the AIBU are about is that the MIL is insisting on turning up despite being told no, it's not convenient. Which is fucking rude!

imwithspud · 09/09/2016 14:49

It's hardly drip feeding when the info extra info provided isn't a necessary part of the scenario. It's not convenient for op or her dh to have his mother come round at that time. I'd imagine it wouldn't be convenient for anyone to drop round at that time so it's definitely not a thing against the MIL.

What's wrong with wanting a lie in when you have a newborn baby and partner has just started a stressful job?

Being a parent doesn't entitle someone to just drop in on their dc when it suits them. I would never dream of doing this to my dc in the future, they have lives outside of me and I'd hate to impose myself when they have other plans.

Surely it's better to come to a mutual agreement regarding visiting, rather than pissing people off by blatantly ignoring their requests and coming round when they've explicitly stated that it's not a good time for them. It's beyond rude and entitled.

AnnaMarlowe · 09/09/2016 14:50

Nana the DIL/Mil bit is a red herring. If you texted a friend and said you wanted to pop in and she said "sorry it's not convenient" would you reply with "I'm coming anyway!"?

Of course you wouldn't.

And how on earth is leaving a cup outside (which is an odd idea frankly) less rude than saying a polite no?

My PILs are very lovely but they are incapable of "popping in". They say "we'll just stop by for 10 minutes" but in reality they've never been in our house for less than 2 hours. And they get quite hurt if you don't invite them to stay for lunch/dinner when they "pop in".

They also get quite anxious if you carry on doing anything else while they are in the house (housework, cooking, gardening etc). As a result we will say "no" to a visit if we haven't got at least two hours free time to spend with them.

StuffYouAllInTheCrust · 09/09/2016 14:50

Good grief, what a post NanaNina How very dare the OP and her husband want a lie in when they have a newborn and MIL wants to visit! Confused

OP doesn't have to give the ins and outs as to exactly why it isn't convenient, it just isn't and MIL should appreciate that.

OP: Sorry it's not convenient tomorrow, are you free sometime next week?

MIL: No problem, I'll see you then

OP YANBU