AIBU to be annoyed at MIL

[LouBlue1507]

So I've had a message off MIL today, telling me she's in the area tomorrow morning and she'll pop in for a cuppa to us and DD on her way past...

... I've already got plans tomorrow, I'm going out at lunchtime, I've got stuff I need to do around house to do before DPs brothers arrive in the afternoon to see him and I want to squeeze in a lie in!

... I messaged MIL saying sorry not convenient tomorrow, I'm doing XYZ but maybe see you in the week if you're free?

... I've had a message back saying what time you leaving? I'll pop in anyway! Er no! I've said no! You don't tell me that your coming to my house when I've made it clear it's not convenient! Grrrr!

I've spoke to DP and he's going to 'sort it out' 😩

I don't think I am BU at all but want to know what other people think?
You don't just tell someone you're popping over, surely you ask first?? And if that person says no it's not a great time, you don't say you're coming anyway! Grrrr!

Some posters have misunderstood my lame attempt at humour...realise that it happens every time and it gets very tedious

I am not a MIL nor a DIL but yes, your posts are fucking tedious!

My FIL did something similar. A week after DD came home from hospital he turned up completely unannounced. I was still in my pyjama bottoms with my top off as I was expressing milk. I had to quickly put my top on and excuse myself upstairs. DH said I could have carried on (?) I was also hoping to have a nap while both DCs were asleep but that went out the window. Apparently it was nice that he popped in and I had no right to complain!

How patronising allied. I don't think the PIL have wider perspective here. The needs of a young family are very high and should be accommodated. Would it kill the PIL to let these new tired parents have a lie in?

YANBU. MIL obviously wants to muscle in on the birthday action, she has to know that the brothers are coming round for the afternoon. It's way cheeky to ignore your invite in the week then want to come when it's your weekend to chill.

We came home to find the in laws sitting in our garden, dh noticed the patio door was off the runner and put of the frame at the bottom. They didn't say anything to us at the time but MIL let slip later thatFIL had used a spade he just happened to have in his car to try to jemmy the door open.

OMG, breaking and entering?! That is absolutely beyond, I would have gone ballistic! What the hell! They had no right to do that!

allnewred

That's a very interesting perspective.

So you think that the new first time parents with small baby and sleep deprivation who have the responsibility to be kind do you?

I'm well past that stage now but if I eventually become a MIL I'm pretty sure I'll consider it my responsibility to be kind to my children and their partners who are exhausted/shocked/hormonal and possibly still in pain.

I get on very well with my PILs. They are nice people. I facilitate weekly visits with their DGC. I have them to stay regularly. I host dinners and celebrations for their birthdays and anniversaries and Christmas. I bite my tongue mostly about the inappropriate amounts of gifts, clothes and sweets given to the DC and very quietly donate inappropriate excess to food banks and charity shops.

I am very kind. And try hard to be kind and keep my PILs perspective in mind.

However after a few very difficult years similar to the OP, I put my food down.

My DH and I are in charge in our home. That's it.

In my own home I will decide when it is convenient for people to visit (even if they are just "popping by for 10 minutes".

I now refuse to submit to emotional blackmail. Me being miserable in order to make you happy isn't a fair swap.

I will treat tantrums in adults in exactly the same way I treat tantrums in children - bad behaviour is not rewarded in my world.

Well turns out MIL did turn up after all, after phoning DP this afternoon to see if she could pop in on her way back to see him! I'm annoyed tbh but DP didn't mind so no big deal 😒

allnew:

Oh give your head a wobble!

OP had PLANS
Mil was just being awkward, she had already declined a previous invite when op was free she was just being bloody minded cos her own sons were going to ops to escape her!

They dont use sleep deprivation as a method of torture for nothing, op and her dh have every right to grab a long lie when they get the chance, its got nothing to do with anyone else.

They and their baby come first not mil its not difficult to understand.

Scenario - have a long lie and catch up on sleep before going out for the day (like you had planned)
OR
Have mil round for a 'quick cuppa' and she stays 2 hours! (If you had read all ops posts you would know mil has form for this)

I know what I would chose with a new baby!

FFS. What part of "no you aren't welcome - we are busy" does your Mil not understand?

ToadsforJustice Exactly! I wasn't happy when DP told me! It's the principle that we said not today, yet she asked again! No means no in my books, but DP is a lot softer than me and finds it hard to say no when he's put on the spot!

If this was my Mil, I would have to call her in the morning and ask her what she was playing at. No means no. It's not as if you are withholding contact. She seems to be determined to get her own way - regardless of what your needs are. She appears to want to come first. I would nip this in the bud sharpish. They will be lots of occasions in future with your family, when you just want to be on your own without Mil rocking up and joining in - uninvited.

Oh dear. Brace yourself for a lot more of this. She knows she 'won' by getting her way in the end. She probably waited until she knew you would be out to ask! She's not daft. Annoying, rude and persistent though. My MIL can be like this. She likes her own way and will go on and on until she gets the answer she wants.

And nana won't be your MIL. She pops up on many threads like this and will always defend the MIL regardless of the fact that everyone else says you ANBU. And argue a lot. She is a MIL, glad she isn't mine!

HarryPottersMagicWand and Toads

Well that's what I've explained to DP, Now that he's caved once she's going to try it on again and again! He said he didn't think about that! daft idiot

Ah I am a mil to my gorgeous Dils and a gran.

Your mil sounds a twat op.

nana don't be daft

I feel your pain OP.

My MIL just walks into my house whenever she fucking feels like it. The other day I was plating tea ready to take through to the dining room, and she just breezed passed and sat down in the living room anyway

I've tried keeping door locked but she just knocks until someone answers. She knows we are home as cars are on the driveway. It massively pisses me off!!

She has a nasty habit of coming just as we are about to eat, and when I inevitably offer her a plate, she refuses then sits and watches us eat. DD's then get hyper and won't finish their meal as granny is here.

I've never had the bottle to say anything as unfortunately she is the one we have to rely on for childcare on the rare occasion I get to actually go out after 7pm

"Go right ahead and drop in, Dopey... No-one will be home."

Foxglove
Tell her to do one!

No really tell her she has to go at mealtimes as its upsetting your dds mealtime. Better still lock the door just before mealtimes.

Dont answer the door, let her knock till her hand aches.

Tell her 'sorry I am busy' can we make it such and such a day/time?'

Make it a time that suits YOU. NO other time!

If she persists at other times repeat 'No sorry am busy today' (you dont need to explain what you are doing) ad infinitum.

Get your dh to man up and tell her she needs to let you know if its ok to visit, not just barge in and disrupt everyone.

YOUR house, YOUR rules, YOUR DD.

Foxglove I had that situation and I genuinely let MIL knock and knock and knock and refused to answer.

She even wedged herself in front of the lounge window to star in, and I just pretended I hadn't seen her and walked through to the back of the house. After a while she stopped popping in, she finally got the message.

Some people you can tell over and over again not to do something, but they will only respond to direct action

The only way you can take control of this situation is to deal with it yourself, not asking dp. You are all grown adults. As far as dropping in when you aren't there, leave it alone. She asked dp if a different scenario suited and he said yes. She played him well. You can't work your dp like a puppet - if you want this situation to improve you take responsibility and control of your own home.

Congratulations on your new baby! Assuming she is your first baby your MIL must just be really keen to squeeze in a visit, which is good (even if you don't particularly like her! As your child gets older family becomes more important, speaking from my own experience 😞) It is rude of her to insist when you have said no though. Stick to your guns about this particular visit but do make sure you follow through with whatever other arrangement you make with her and do it soon!