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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at MIL

121 replies

LouBlue1507 · 09/09/2016 13:11

So I've had a message off MIL today, telling me she's in the area tomorrow morning and she'll pop in for a cuppa to us and DD on her way past...

... I've already got plans tomorrow, I'm going out at lunchtime, I've got stuff I need to do around house to do before DPs brothers arrive in the afternoon to see him and I want to squeeze in a lie in!

... I messaged MIL saying sorry not convenient tomorrow, I'm doing XYZ but maybe see you in the week if you're free?

... I've had a message back saying what time you leaving? I'll pop in anyway! Er no! I've said no! You don't tell me that your coming to my house when I've made it clear it's not convenient! Grrrr!

I've spoke to DP and he's going to 'sort it out' 😩

I don't think I am BU at all but want to know what other people think?
You don't just tell someone you're popping over, surely you ask first?? And if that person says no it's not a great time, you don't say you're coming anyway! Grrrr!

OP posts:
gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 09/09/2016 14:55

You're not usually so catty nana. Don't you remember what it was like to grab an extra hour or two after baby's first feed when you are exhausted in the early days? How dare you suggest there's something odd about both parents needing to rest on the first quiet morning in a week? I don't know about you but I would be resting while baby sleeps (as per advice) so welcoming in-laws in my pj's and waking up my baby to entertain them would have defeated the purpose purpose;cue listening to other people try to comfort my screaming baby as I pretend to rest! And not every Mil would be happy to come in and make her own cup of tea etc, ditto sitting on the doorstep!!

BiddyPop · 09/09/2016 14:56

Nana, she had already said a 6 week old baby, and a load of things she had planned for tomorrow. And that DPs DBros' wanted a day without their DM, DF and family. Only the stressful new job came after your scathing knock-down of someone looking for advice when she had already politely said "no".

Often, it is great to see visitors and have a cup of tea, especially if they are family. But it doesn't always suit, and people are actually allowed to say that "no it doesn't suit today" and put forward alternative suggestions (which the OP had!).

THAT is not MIL bashing. That is simply trying to be polite to someone who is trying to push in where they cannot be facilitated in this instance.

It is not always about pushing away the ILs, or being the DIL from hell as you always seem to have a chip on your shoulder about these types of threads.

Sometimes, it is just a tired new mother trying to find ways to be polite to her DC's grandparents when that person is just not listening. Just because you are a MIL, and are now a DGM, does not give you any right to overrule someone else's plans and household.

imwithspud · 09/09/2016 15:01

And not every Mil would be happy to come in and make her own cup of tea

Haha I can vouch for this. In laws came round unannounced when dd2 was 3 weeks old. We'd just been out as a family for a few hours, I was tired and hoping to get a nap whilst dp looked after the children for an hour or so, then they turned up! Dp said they were welcome to go into the kitchen to make hem selves a coffee but they refused and told dp he should be doing it. They are generally nice people but I was totally Confused and Angry at them that day.

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 09/09/2016 15:04

Thanks for your supportive comments! I don't know what nana's problem is, DIL issues probably?
It will all be fine in the end, always is! I'm looking forward to a lie in tomorrow whether it's 10 mins or an hour! 🙈

OP posts:
sandragreen · 09/09/2016 15:09

YANBU. I would (and have) take the battery out f the doorbell if necessary. I also wouldn't leave this to DP as it makes it look like he has the final say. You have already told her no. Just repeat, no, we can't see you tomorrow. It's fairly likely she wants to muscle her way into seeing BILS and this is her method of going that.

Once she is in you won't get rid of her will you?

Tell her "We absolutely will not be available tomorrow. Please don't have a wasted journey."

If DP buckles, then you bloody stay put in bed and let him get up and do all the entertaining.

imwithspud · 09/09/2016 15:10

If anything Nana is making herself sound like the mil from hell in this thread. Chip on shoulder much?

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 09/09/2016 15:20

I also agree with the posters who have said about the 'popping in' lasting 2 hours and not helping themselves.. That's the case here too!

OP posts:
Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 09/09/2016 15:46

Well as predicted MIL has phoned DP! He's backed what I said up and told her tomorrow isn't convenient!

Hasn't gone down well! We're isolating ourselves apparently and pushing her out Hmm... Jeez!

OP posts:
CalmYaTits · 09/09/2016 15:48

Plot twist- Nana is OP's MILGrin

AnnaMarlowe · 09/09/2016 15:51

How often do you see her Lou? When did you last see her?

imwithspud · 09/09/2016 15:51

Leave her to it op, you're obviously not isolating yourselves. She's just throwing a tantrum because she hasn't got her way.

Give her time to cool off then call her next week to arrange a visit at a more convenient time.

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 09/09/2016 15:57

We saw her just over a week ago, I did invite her up this week but heard nothing! I agree she's just a bit miffed and were not really isolating ourselves!

OP posts:
Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 09/09/2016 16:09

CalmYaTits

Plot twist- Nana is OP's MIL

😱😱

OP posts:
Willow2016 · 09/09/2016 16:17

'Inconvenient' is a perfectly reasonable description of the proposed action by mil..
Nothing else needs to be said.

Doesnt matter if its mil, best friend, the queen or the pope! If its inconvenient its inconvenient end of. Rearrange day and time, simples.

OP enjoy your long lie. Smile

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 09/09/2016 16:20

Thanks Willow2016... That's exactly right! It's nothing against MIL.. If anyone wanted to visit tomorrow morning it would be inconvenient and they too would be getting a NO! Grin

OP posts:
sandragreen · 09/09/2016 16:28

I still think its because she was planning to launch herself at her sons.

Never mind, at least you were backed up. Have a lovely lie in Grin

Nanny0gg · 09/09/2016 16:28

I'm a MiL.

Yours is out of order.

PricklyHodgeheg · 09/09/2016 16:45

OP you have the right to say 'no' to visitors if it's not convenient for you, regardless of who they are. It is unreasonable and impolite for anyone to demand to visit on their terms.

Your MIL didn't get her own way and is now trying to make you feel guilty for not dropping everything to accommodate her. Perhaps she isn't used to being told 'no'? See how she went running to your DH, behind your back, hoping to get a different answer? Hopefully this behaviour has been nipped in the bud.

I'm glad your DH backed you up Smile

diddl · 09/09/2016 17:08

Presumably she knew that all/most of her sons will be there & thought that it would be nice to see them all?

If they wanted that I'm sure that they would have invited her over.

It's sad for her that they didn't, but perhaps they thought that she'd take the piss & not just "pop over" & then leave them to their arrangements.

My husband is an only child.

When he visits his mum struggles with him doing anything not with her.

She finds it hard to accept that there are others he wants to see & his visits back to UK don't revolve around her.
(I appreciate that that is probably just her.)

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 09/09/2016 17:25

diddl I didn't make myself clear sorry... DP's brothers are in their early 20's, they live with MIL! They want to come here to escape 🙈

OP posts:
diddl · 09/09/2016 17:35
Blush
diddl · 09/09/2016 17:36

Whose bday is it tomorrow?

One of the sons who lives with her?

BlackeyedSusan · 09/09/2016 17:39

take the battery out the bell.(if you can)

LeonardInTheArgosBag · 09/09/2016 17:50

Doesn't sound like you're isolating yourselves if you're going to visit your grandparents and then hosting your BILs.

Just be calm and resolute. You've offered her plenty of opportunities to see the baby (last week, next week).

We had similar when the babies were little. It's all calmed down a bit now, thankfully.

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 09/09/2016 18:00

Yes diddl ... DP was originally going to go to see him at their house but his brothers have asked to come here instead! Fair enough, change of scene... I think the Nandos that we have near by may be the true incentive! 😅

OP posts: