AIBU to be annoyed at MIL

[LouBlue1507]

So I've had a message off MIL today, telling me she's in the area tomorrow morning and she'll pop in for a cuppa to us and DD on her way past...

... I've already got plans tomorrow, I'm going out at lunchtime, I've got stuff I need to do around house to do before DPs brothers arrive in the afternoon to see him and I want to squeeze in a lie in!

... I messaged MIL saying sorry not convenient tomorrow, I'm doing XYZ but maybe see you in the week if you're free?

... I've had a message back saying what time you leaving? I'll pop in anyway! Er no! I've said no! You don't tell me that your coming to my house when I've made it clear it's not convenient! Grrrr!

I've spoke to DP and he's going to 'sort it out' 😩

I don't think I am BU at all but want to know what other people think?
You don't just tell someone you're popping over, surely you ask first?? And if that person says no it's not a great time, you don't say you're coming anyway! Grrrr!

Well then at least she will see the "birthday boy" & be able to wish him many happy returns!

If it was your husband then it would explain the determination to pop in a little more!

YANBU. Is this her first grandchild?

OP it's your house!! You could choose to sit around in your pjs all day caring for baby saying "no visitors today" if you wanted!! YANBU to say to anyone 'can't do that day, really busy, another time please, let me suggest... Xyz" especially as you've already got visitors in afternoon!

Your MIL was BU if she questioned in telephine call your perfectly reasonable reply that you were busy that day. Oooooohhh.... Defo nip that in the bud!! Glad DP/DH supported you!!

sorenipples Yes, first GC on both sides! As you can imagine, everyone wants to see DD as much as pos!

*In a telephone call with DH I meant!

How lovely that you are off to see your Gps, OP.

Make sure to get a pic of them with the baby.

My former in-laws lived too far away to pop when my first was newborn, they'd come at least every other Sunday for most of the day. Once we told them we couldn't do the next Sunday as we had friends staying . MIL's response was "Oh don't worry, we don't mind!" - not as in we don't mind not coming, meaning it wouldn't put them off coming. A bit awkward, surely people know that if you weren't putting them off you would have said Sarah and John will be here next Sunday but you're welcome to join us. We got this stock response a few times, as did my parents, in-laws would stay at theirs for a couple of nights on their way up to the Dales once or twice a year, the hospitality was never reciprocated, they'd just ring up and ask if they could stay and never once asked if my parents would like to visit them in Surrey.

I think living too far to pop can be a great blessing.

Well we do live 1.5 hours away so not exactly down the road! Every visit has just been 'popping in for a cuppa' but has lasted more than 3 hours! I never believe the whole 'popping in' BS 😅

I seem to have collected quite a fan club but that's usually the case when I dare to disagree with the DILs who pile in every time to support the OP.

Having said that I apologise OP - I missed your post on Page 1 that you had a 6 week baby. I still think it's odd that you didn't mention this in your OP and planning lie-ins with such a young baby seems a tad optimistic. However presumably it's all sorted now.

Some posters have misunderstood my lame attempt at humour and please can the posters thinking that they're very witty asking "Is NanaNina the OP's MIL" - realise that it happens every time and it gets very tedious, especially as every poster thinks they're the first to make this jolly jape.

But you are the MIL?? Aren't you?

YANBU.

At least she gave you a warning first so you could say no, mine just turns up when ever she likes! Does my fucking head in.

Well when dd1 was tiny and she was my only child I would often snooze in bed the morning once she'd had her morning feed and gone back to sleep. It meant I got a good couple of hours extra which was desperately needed. I'm assuming that's what op plans to do, there's nothing wrong with that at all.

I don't know why you assume we are all DIL's. Is it not perfectly reasonable to think that when someone, regardless of who they are, invites themselves round despite being told that it's not an appropriate time, is rude and entitled? Being a mil has absolutely nothing to do with it. If the mil in this instance was op's friend instead, she would have received the same response. Although something tells me you probably wouldn't have even noticed this thread if the title read 'friend' rather than 'mil'.

Not RTWT but I'm not seeing MIL as being massively UR.

She says she is in the area (making me think she isn't local) and will pop in. OP says her plans are lay-in and cleaning and said she has relayed said plan's to MIL. so I assume MIL thinks 'I'll just pop in quickly before the guest's arrive DIL and GD are at home'

OP - Get her to take DD out for an hour so you clean in peace if cleaning is what you want to do!!!

I agree with a pp who said MIL planned to launch herself at her sons, once she was there she'd have stayed to see them. It's very telling that her sons wanted a break from her.
My in laws used to drop in for a cuppa, only ot wasn't just the one, they stayed for bloody hours. I was out one day and they came looking for me, another time me and dh had gone out shopping, We had newly installed patio doors that had a mechanism which allowed the door to be left open by about 3cm for ventilation but could be deadlocked. We came home to find the in laws sitting in our garden, dh noticed the patio door was off the runner and put of the frame at the bottom. They didn't say anything to us at the time but MIL let slip later thatFIL had used a spade he just happened to have in his car to try to jemmy the door open.

Nana, do you wonder why it always appears that you're the inconsiderate / self-centred MIL? You're quite right, it's not funny that your posts make people think that you are like that.

You're right to stick to your guns, but maybe arrange a definite time with MIL for next week so she knows she can see her GC then.

Don't worry about some of the more extreme posters.

Crunchymum
If you had read more you would have seen that this is not the case, and mil has form for this.

PLUS
op doesnt want her there as she will stay for hours
she wants a long lie with her oh and baby,
she has plans to go out to her GP's
she has visitors coming.

MIL only wants to come cos her sons are going to op's house to get away from her for a while! MIL was there only last week!

Its not convenient end of. MIL doesnt get to over rule op and her oh's plans. She is behaving like a spoilt brat after being told no.

Gatecrashing other people's events is rude in itself.
We constantly plan things with lovely BIL and SIL and it ends up not only involving PIL (who generally spend the whole time with faces like a wet weekend) but the plans are changed to suit them. Eg 2 weeks before: 'would the children like to go to the cinema?'
'They would LOVE that'
Children get excited.
On the day:
'Just spoken to Mum and she's suggested a picnic in the park'.
To be fair to my children they have never shown disappointment but a few weeks ago I did put my foot down-it was pissing it down with rain, no way was I letting the kids sit out in it. I asked what plan B was!

nana Seriously, don't you remember what bliss it is to be able to go back to bed after the early morning feed? Or the way babies sleep so soundly at about 9am, just as their parents are usually dragging their weary bodies out of bed? We couldn't afford to do anything but rest during that time on weekends because we were so shattered.

I find it interesting that you have forgotten so completely what having a small baby is like. Maybe this is often the problem.

I think it's very easy as parents of young children to believe that your roles as parents and needs as a small family unit come first.
Things seem very different as you become older, as your children grow and you have a wider perspective and realise you are part of a wider family with all the responsibility to be kind and perhaps more generous with your time for others.
In short, would it kill ya to have a cuppa with your MIL?

God I really feel for you. Everyone tells you to be assertive and tell them they can't come, but like yours, my pil just come back with an answer. I have even pretended to go out before (they overstay massively) and ended up a fugitive as they have just stayed at my house, I've driven past ready to go home and their fucking car is still on my drive.
We are fast heading towards having to be extremely rude 😳

Well ladies, I've managed to have my lie in and it felt great! DD went to sleep 10:30pm and slept through to 5:30am, quick change and feed and she's slept until now!! 😁 I can't believe it!
DP is sound asleep snoring away! Let's just hope there's no knock on the door now 🙈

I think it's very easy as parents of young children to believe that your roles as parents and needs as a small family unit come first.

I'd argue that when you have a newborn baby, your family unit and their needs should and do come first. Having a newborn is all consuming. It doesn't last and the majority of people come out the other side.

It probably wouldn't kill her no but it would be massively inconvenient. She can 'pop' over another time. No big deal.

Excellent Lou and if there is a knock, you just ignore it. It isn't a bloody summons.