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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my mum to help after ds3 is born?

117 replies

SleepymamaJapan · 01/09/2016 10:51

I'm really angry about this but I'm not sure if it's just hormones.

Need some advice. I'm currently 38 weeks with my fourth child, and we live very far from family, so don't get any kind of regular help from anyone. That's fine. Me and hub work hard and are a great team.

My husband has no family - his father is deceased and his Mum is in permanent medical care, as can't look after herself anymore due to a serious brain injury many years ago.

When I found out I was pregnant, I told my immediate family within the first 6-8 weeks, due to some other health issues I've kept it on the DL This time, but I asked my mother to come and help with the older kids in the weeks after (I had hoped to have a home birth but then I found out I need a scheduled c-sec due to placenta previa) and she said yes. We live far away, so I offered to pay her flights.

Skip to the third trimester - she's been a bit distant and avoiding the subject. So I pin her down " I'm booking the flights for this day, is it okay?" After a 3 day radio silence I finally get a call from her saying sorry, but she's decided not to come anymore because she wants to attend a cousins wedding. And she won't have enough holiday time left over to do both.

I am beyond angry, and have not spoken to her since, and apparently she is "very upset" by this - I've been getting all kinds of messages from my aunts about it, but I'm so hurt. She is actively choosing my cousin over me, and my family, and leaving us in a bit of a sticky situation. I'm so angry that I'm quite serious that I'm cutting her off over this.

My DH can take a few days off, but he travels for his job and ne needs to leave 10 days after the c section for a big job in the US for 2 weeks which we knew from the beginning.

AIBU?? I'm just so angry ...

OP posts:
NotMe321 · 01/09/2016 10:53

She should have told you before, but I don't think you have a right to expect her to put her life on hold and use up all her holidays because you've decided to have babies.

Lilaclily · 01/09/2016 10:53

I'm sorry but I think yabu and I feel so sorry for your mum

A wedding is a once in a lifetime thing hopefully

Her siblings will be there, it's a family occasion

You chose your circumstances, living abroad, have 4 children, having little help, all of that is fine but you can't put your mum in this predicament of you not talking to her because she isn't doing what you want her to do

abigwideworld · 01/09/2016 10:56

YANBU to ask her for help, but YWBVU to cut her off over this! My mum lives round the corner but I would never expect her to come and stay with me to look after my kids. Surely it should be your husband's responsibility to rearrange his work trip or find another solution with you?

PurpleDaisies · 01/09/2016 10:56

In the nicest possible way, yes you are being unreasonable. It's your mum's choice. Is she close to your cousin? A much looked forward to wedding over babysitting? I know what I'd choose. Saying that it sounds like she's strung you along a bit and could have let you know sooner.

If you can afford to pay flights, can't you afford a nanny to look after your children/help you out?

WatchingFromTheWings · 01/09/2016 10:58

YABU. I had help for 2 weeks from DP after my last C-section and just had to get on with it by myself from then (he worked away). So long as you're careful (with heavy lifting etc) you'll be fine.

Mosseywossey · 01/09/2016 10:58

You can't expect her too.... But she did leave you hanging and chose to just leave you in a difficult postion.

user1471443957 · 01/09/2016 10:58

YABU. How old are your older kids? I can see why you're upset, but can also see why your Mum wouldnt want to use up her AL doing childcare. You chose to have the 4th child so you and DH need to make arrangements and pay for help if you don't have family who can/will.

birdladyfromhomealone · 01/09/2016 10:58

Have you thought about hiring a post-natal Doula to help you out for the 2 weeks your DH is away?
This is what I do and many women find the help very reassuring.
She can help with older children, school runs, meals, laundry or ironing etc
nurturingbirth.co.uk/new-nurturing-birth-directory/

maddiemookins16mum · 01/09/2016 10:59

The only thing she has done wrong is not telling you sooner, but I sort of think perhaps she'd know your reaction. I can sympathise with your situation however, but don't cut her out, she's your mum and nobody is perfect.

GrimmauldPlace · 01/09/2016 11:00

I think your mum has BU by agreeing to helping you and then going back on her word so close to your due date. However, YABVU to "expect" her to help you. You have made the decision to have another child. Your DH has to go away not long after the birth which you said you knew all along. That isn't your mums fault. Or problem. What would have happened if your mum was taken ill and couldn't help? You need to have back up plans in place.

It would have been nice of her to come over and help you out and I probably would have been pissed off as well with the short notice but I don't think it's something you should go NC over.

Original poster
SleepymamaJapan · 01/09/2016 11:01

Lol it's actually this cousins second big white wedding in the space of 3 years and the wedding was also planned from the end of last year - it's not a sudden thing.

I wouldnt have minded Her redusing if she had been honest from the beginning , it's just that she's telling me so... Late. I hate that she led me on for so long.

It makes me wonder what's the point? As you said I live far away and do everything by myself anyway, and by my own choosing, so what's the point of having a relationship with her?

The reason she has used so much of her holiday is because she went to stay with my brother and his SO for 2 weeks a few months ago when they had their second. I just feel far away and left out Sad

OP posts:
alltouchedout · 01/09/2016 11:01

I suppose yabu as this isn't her baby and it's her choice. But having said she would help and now letting you down last minute is quite crap of her. I'd be really annoyed too, whilst feeling guilty for being annoyed if that makes sense.
Is there any sort of temporary hired help you could access that would work for your situation?

yorkshapudding · 01/09/2016 11:04

I was going to say that she was a bit unreasonable to string you along and should have said no from the beginning. However, judging by the tone of your post I wonder whether she felt pressured into agreeing at the time as you do seem to see it very much as her duty rather than a favour that she has every right to refuse.

YANBU to be disappointed that things haven't worked out the way you would like. You would be massively unreasonable to cut your mum out of your life because she isn't doing what you want on this occasion. You and your DH made a joint decision to have another child knowing that you have little support nearby. I realise you had not been anticipating a c section but it's always a possibility. Perhaps instead of blaming your Mum (who was not involved in the decision to have another baby) your DH should take responsibility for rearranging his work commitments. Alternatively you could look into paid childcare.

ShanghaiDiva · 01/09/2016 11:05

Agree with pp she should have told you earlier. However, it's your decision to have children and you will need to pay for childcare.
I had both my children overseas and know how tough it can be, but I don't think going non contact with your mum is an appropriate reaction.

Original poster
SleepymamaJapan · 01/09/2016 11:05

Thank you for the suggestions - yes I am looking into a post partum doula or mothers help.

It's my first c-sex, and feeling very anxious about it, but it's good to know that others could do it with avoiding heavy lifting etc.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 01/09/2016 11:05

I don´t think you should cut her off after this, but I can understand why you are upset that she is going back on what she said she would do at such short notice.

If I were you, I´d focus now on finding another way to cope these first weeks, and worry about your mother later. I wouldn´t make any rushed decisions about contact with her until things have settled down and you are feeling calmer. Making big decisions about cutting off a relative should not be made in an emotional state.

PurpleDaisies · 01/09/2016 11:06

It makes me wonder what's the point? As you said I live far away and do everything by myself anyway, and by my own choosing, so what's the point of having a relationship with her?

Don't do anything while you're angry-you risk seriously cutting off your nose up spite your face. Is there a big drip feed coming about the problems you've had with your mum for years or is this seriously it?

Does your brother live far enough away to require flights?

HermioneJeanGranger · 01/09/2016 11:07

YANBU to be annoyed at all! She said she'd help out and then changed her plans and didn't tell you until the last minute, which has essentially dropped you in it. That's not nice. She should have spoken to you earlier.

But don't cut her off over this. Just speak to her and say you're upset that she led you to believe she could help and that by changing her mind, she's left you in a really difficult situation.

I second a PP who recommended a doula to come and help, or you could hire an agency nanny to help with the older kids for a few weeks if your DP has to go back to work.

Good luck Flowers

ladymariner · 01/09/2016 11:15

I'm going against the grain here, op, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Can't believe a cousins wedding trumps a grandchild! Or a request for help, from your child, however old they are.....No way would I leave ds in the lurch.

formerbabe · 01/09/2016 11:16

My own parents are dead so I've never had any help with my dc....but I think yanbu....I think that a mother would want to help her dd in those circumstances...I can see why you're upset. Flowers

NotMe321 · 01/09/2016 11:19

Poor woman, she's already used a big chunk of her holiday to look after your brother's child, now you expect her to use up more. When does she actually get to take a holiday?

ChuffMuffin · 01/09/2016 11:19

I think YANBU, purely because she should have been honest and told you she'd changed her mind. She shouldn't have tried to avoid you and hoped you'd forget you asked her.

Jinxxx · 01/09/2016 11:20

It does sound like you are thinking what is the point of having a relationship with my mother if she won't do me huge favours as and when I want. Do you put yourself out for her, use up your leave doing stuff for her? Nobody should expect grandparents to drop everything to provide childcare. Perhaps she felt pressured into agreeing and has only just got up the nerve to back out - your reaction suggests you might not have taken it well. I think you should accept her decision gracefully and look to friends or paid childcare if your DP really can't delegate or reschedule his work commitment.

PurpleDaisies · 01/09/2016 11:21

She shouldn't have tried to avoid you and hoped you'd forget you asked her.

I can imagine that the op could be fairly intimidating, given that she's now talking about cutting her mum off over this. I'm not excusing it, but it might be understandable to have put off something that wasn't going to be received very well.

HermioneJeanGranger · 01/09/2016 11:23

Poor woman, she's already used a big chunk of her holiday to look after your brother's child, now you expect her to use up more. When does she actually get to take a holiday?

Then she shouldn't have agreed to help out if she didn't want to. Nobody forced her. She agreed to help then changed her mind without telling anyone! That's just not very nice and has left OP in the lurch wrt to childcare.