To expect my mum to help after ds3 is born?

[SleepymamaJapan]

I'm really angry about this but I'm not sure if it's just hormones.

Need some advice. I'm currently 38 weeks with my fourth child, and we live very far from family, so don't get any kind of regular help from anyone. That's fine. Me and hub work hard and are a great team.

My husband has no family - his father is deceased and his Mum is in permanent medical care, as can't look after herself anymore due to a serious brain injury many years ago.

When I found out I was pregnant, I told my immediate family within the first 6-8 weeks, due to some other health issues I've kept it on the DL This time, but I asked my mother to come and help with the older kids in the weeks after (I had hoped to have a home birth but then I found out I need a scheduled c-sec due to placenta previa) and she said yes. We live far away, so I offered to pay her flights.

Skip to the third trimester - she's been a bit distant and avoiding the subject. So I pin her down " I'm booking the flights for this day, is it okay?" After a 3 day radio silence I finally get a call from her saying sorry, but she's decided not to come anymore because she wants to attend a cousins wedding. And she won't have enough holiday time left over to do both.

I am beyond angry, and have not spoken to her since, and apparently she is "very upset" by this - I've been getting all kinds of messages from my aunts about it, but I'm so hurt. She is actively choosing my cousin over me, and my family, and leaving us in a bit of a sticky situation. I'm so angry that I'm quite serious that I'm cutting her off over this.

My DH can take a few days off, but he travels for his job and ne needs to leave 10 days after the c section for a big job in the US for 2 weeks which we knew from the beginning.

AIBU?? I'm just so angry ...

It makes me wonder what's the point? As you said I live far away and do everything by myself anyway, and by my own choosing, so what's the point of having a relationship with her?

Christ sounds like your mum will be better off
You moved very far away from fsmily but you expect them to do the travelling.
You decided on a 4th child knowing you had little support to manage after the birth yet you blame your mum for not wanting to use her holiday time to be an unpaid nanny.

Take a step down from your entitled perch OP. If you would rather go nc with your mum becauses of choices YOU have made then so be it but dont try to make it your mums fault.

YABVU to "expect"

YANBU to hope for

" New grandchild and DD in need of a hand would trump almost anything except a near death situation. "

It's not just that though, it's also that Op's mum said yes &is now saying no.

Whatever Op & her husband would have done if her mum had said no in the first place is what bthey will have to do now.

I'm with you. It is very odd that she would rather go to your cousins wedding than be at the birth of her DGC. I think I'd be pissed off, too. If I'm totally honest.
I can't see in what world that a wedding trumps your DGCs birth.

Yanbu. However hard it was to bring up the subject, she needed to have told you she wasn't going to help afterwards.
In the other hand she works, has to deal with ling haul flight then go straight into helping mode, then fly back (probably jet lagged) and go back to work. That sounds totally exhausting.
I felt it was a privilege to help after dgds birth but I only had a 3 and a half hour journey and I don't work. I was still shattered afterwards after so much cooking, cleaning, washing, reassuring dd&dsil and trying to make sure they got some rest. And this was first baby so no other children to look after/entertain.

You shouldn't have asked and se shouldn't have said yes then strung it out.

Your husband will have to take time off work to look after his family while you're laid up or hire in help.

t makes me wonder what's the point? As you said I live far away and do everything by myself anyway, and by my own choosing, so what's the point of having a relationship with her

I hope you're just saying this in anger rather than it being your way of thinking. If it's the latter I would understand why she's been a bit of a wuss with you.

She's not choosing the cousins wedding over being at the birth of her grandchild.. is she invited to the birth or just to be unpaid childcare for the other 3 kids? And a grandchild isn't a once in a lifetime opportunity is it....presumably the ops mum has many years ahead to spend with grandchildren but only one opportunity to attend cousins wedding. I'm afraid I pretty much agree with everything Izzy says.

I agree your Mum shouldn't have left it so late to tell you and that's it but to be honest I think it's pretty fucking disgusting you have the audacity to ask your Mother to use a/l to provide free childcare in the first place (completely different if your mum was retired but if she's working it doesn't sound like much of a break)
It's not her fault your husband is so important he just has to work rather than arrange leave to look after his children, nor her fault you've presumably moved to the other side of the world nor her fault that you've decided to have more children when it appears you need help from outside you and your DH to look after them.

Go ahead and cut her off....she'll then realise what a user you are. How awful for her that her grown up kids (as I include your brother too) think her well earned annual leave should be spent helping you both....hasn't she given you enough years? What do you do for her? Yes it's nice for grandparents to help out with childcare of course it is. But using limited annual leave to travel long haul to look after 3 kids is too much for most people.

How many thousands of miles away do you live from your ma OP? how many does she have to travel to get to DS? Is yours an easy country for expats? How old is she and your other DCs?

As other pps have said, YANBU to be cross with her for having changed her mind at such a late point. but depending on the answers to the above, you might have BU to ask her to come out in her holiday time to look after 3GC and cope with ?shopping ?driving in a strange place, especially if she's had no experience of doing so herself. And has to cope with any time changes.

You've said you're looking for a temp nanny or douala. Good luck with that and the C-sec. YANBU to let your ma know of your disappointment but as other pps have said, don't NC her now.

If you are ready to cut your mother off because of this it ironically makes me understand a bit better why she might have taken so long to back out.

I hope it's just the understandable frustration speaking. It's all a bit sad otherwise.

Distancing yourself from someone who has left you utterly fucked is not remotely unreasonable or unusual.

Telling a woman that you will come to help when she has a child and then ditching her at a week's notice is shocking behaviour.

Imagine doing that to your own daughter!

Horrible.

ditching her at a week's notice
I don't think it was a week's notice, as it was when the OP was booking flights. It's just that the OP hasn't spoken to her since, and there's now a week to go. So the mum could have told her a month or two ago. It's not clear from the original post.

YAbu
Don't expect anything from anyone ever.
Then you won't be disappointed

I know how you feel op. I just had my fourth child by c-section. He is 5 days old. No parents on either side offered to help or are indeed here at all. My parents have no plans to visit. We are reliant on babysitters to help with the other kids and do the school run for a few weeks until I can drive again. It's hard!

Like you and your husband we are a great team and have learnt to just not rely on family. I think it's sad your mum doesn't want to help but what can you do? I have just sent my parents photos of their new grandson hoping it will interest them in to at least visiting for a few hours but we will see. They are self-serving people and aren't particularly interested in the role of grandparent. Good luck op and try not to let it get you down x

I'd be gutted if my mum didnt come help me after the birth of a child. But she would never do that to me without a very good reason like being ill or my father being ill which of course I would understand. I do think that even when your kids are grown up, you are still a mum and they still need you for certain things so I look forward to being there for my kids at critical and difficult times in their lives no matter what their age. So YANBU OP in the context of how my family works. Not all families are like this though.

I can undestand why you are upset, I would be too. My dm travelled to the other side of the world to help me out with my ds and new premature baby. She had never travelled/ flown alone before and Iwill always be grateful for the six weeks of help she gave, I think I would have crumbled with the stress of it all had she not been there. Back in the Uk and on my fourth baby she wasn't so keen to help and it did hurt me, at one point we didn't evem know if we would have anyone to care for the other 3 dc's when I went into labour. Then my dd was born with clicky hips and had to go into a harness and things were very difficult dealing with that and 3 other kids under 7. Still she wasn't terribly well and I can understand why she wasn't able to help as much.
Are you sure there is no other reason besides your cousins wedding that she has chnaged her mind. Perhaps as others have said it's to do with the distance and not getting a break from work. Did she help with your other 3?

No response from OP?

I can understand your hurt at her not wanting to be around. Especially with all the pregnancy hormones. It would upset me too! I hope you find help from somewhere. 🙁

No response from OP?
If she's in Japan, it'd be 1am, so I guess that's not surprising.

YANBU

I would be fucking livid if my DM let me down like this to attend a poxy wedding.

Hi everyone, Op here again! Just wanted to say thanks for the various opinions - v. Helpful seeing lots of different viewpoints. Special thanks to those who say that c sections are not that bad!

So to answer a few questions

• yes I am very hormonal! And emotional! We were actually done at 3 and this baby was a surprise, a very happy one though! We did know from the outset the timing clashed with hubs big work thing (that unfortunately is absolutely not changeable) so that's why I was keen to get everything sorted.
• I'm 38 weeks now and this all happened 10 days ago, when I went to book flights. I have been trying to calm down since then, but was still worried and angry, which is why I decided to ask here.
• my mother is in her early 60s, and in very good health. I have never asked her to come for any of my children's births or to help out before, which she made a tremendous fuss about. On the contrary she always seemed to want to help but for various reasons never came.

I do very much understand and agree with the "their your kids and you don't have the right to expect help from anyone" attitude.

As for my kids they are 8, 6 and 4. So not super Tiny anymore, but understandably still quite a lot of work. The older 2 go to school and the younger is in kindy.

As for our own relationship... I moved here with my husband for his job when I was pregnant with my oldest child. She was quite angry about it at the time and was very cool with me for a few years after. We have never been super close at all, and this is kind of another small event in a larger chain of tensions which have been building up over the years. My siblings she is much closer to, (especially my brother) and perhaps that's why I feel hurt that she went to my brother and not me. He and his SO and her parents live in the Middle East. She also took another week off in the middle of last year to help with a family friends third baby. If I'm quite honest, I doubt we would really talk at all if I didn't have kids - we skype once or twice a month, but really it's all about the kids and speaking to them.

As for the question as to how much I go back - as often as financially possible!! But maybe once every 2 years or so?

I visited with my kids to the UK last November, as my dad had a heart op, and I helped take care of him after he got back from the op. But only for a little over a week, as my kids had to go back to school. (The terms are different over here.)

Anyways! I will take all your comments on board. I really don't think I'm particularly aggressive, although maybe you are all right - she didn't feel she could tell me. it's just difficult being let down at the last minute and I'm feeling a bit hurt and rejected, if I'm honest.
But this too Will pass! I am going to talk to the doc about getting the c sec a few days earlier.

But there's no way I'm going to be talking to her for a while I think - I'm just too upset at the moment.

On a positive note I've managed to arrange help with kids going to school for the 10 days my hub is away, so that's a big weight off my mind. I'm going to channel my disappointment into some serious cooking and freezing and cleaning so that that's all taken care of before the big day.

Thanks for your opinions everyone!

Mimsy pimsy yes 1am!! The reflux woke me up!!!

From your last post, I conclude YANBU

Lol thank you, but I've kind of realized in a stomach acid induxed haze that even if I'm not being unreasonable, it still doesn't change anything. So there's no point getting worked up.

I suspect this would all be much less stressful if I could drink!!!

Yes, there's nothing worse than someone letting you down at short notice. Except maybe reflux. Hope it all goes well. Sayonara!

I'd be annoyed as well. She promised to help and is placing your cousins wedding above her own child.

Maybe she never really wanted to do it in the first place but didn't kniw how to tell you.

I'd probably be very distant from my mum if she did this and not bother calling her, but in my culture mothers are expected to come and help out after their child has a baby, so I would never have been in that situation. My mum would place me and my need for help after a c section as more important than a wedding.