Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To expect my mum to help after ds3 is born?

117 replies

SleepymamaJapan · 01/09/2016 10:51

I'm really angry about this but I'm not sure if it's just hormones.

Need some advice. I'm currently 38 weeks with my fourth child, and we live very far from family, so don't get any kind of regular help from anyone. That's fine. Me and hub work hard and are a great team.

My husband has no family - his father is deceased and his Mum is in permanent medical care, as can't look after herself anymore due to a serious brain injury many years ago.

When I found out I was pregnant, I told my immediate family within the first 6-8 weeks, due to some other health issues I've kept it on the DL This time, but I asked my mother to come and help with the older kids in the weeks after (I had hoped to have a home birth but then I found out I need a scheduled c-sec due to placenta previa) and she said yes. We live far away, so I offered to pay her flights.

Skip to the third trimester - she's been a bit distant and avoiding the subject. So I pin her down " I'm booking the flights for this day, is it okay?" After a 3 day radio silence I finally get a call from her saying sorry, but she's decided not to come anymore because she wants to attend a cousins wedding. And she won't have enough holiday time left over to do both.

I am beyond angry, and have not spoken to her since, and apparently she is "very upset" by this - I've been getting all kinds of messages from my aunts about it, but I'm so hurt. She is actively choosing my cousin over me, and my family, and leaving us in a bit of a sticky situation. I'm so angry that I'm quite serious that I'm cutting her off over this.

My DH can take a few days off, but he travels for his job and ne needs to leave 10 days after the c section for a big job in the US for 2 weeks which we knew from the beginning.

AIBU?? I'm just so angry ...

OP posts:

Mycraneisfixed · 01/09/2016 18:11

Just finished reading all this. I'm 64 and a grandmother and I think you are understandably upset and annoyed. My own mother was not a very loving person and completely unsupportive and no help at all when my 3 DC were growing up and I eventually had to come to terms with the fact that she was just not a nice mother or grandmother. She made little effort to see my kids and it was me who used to take us all to hers for visits. My sister and I talked about it and realised that, however upset it made us, we were never going to have those happy memories we craved and she wasn't going to change. Once we got that sorted we just got on with our lives without her.
DSis and I both adore our respective DGC and go out of our way to help.
You'll be the same with your own DC

AnUtterIdiot · 01/09/2016 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PortiaFinis · 01/09/2016 18:39

I was going to say YABU but changed my mind after your last post.

I'm glad you've got some things sorted and don't worry too much about the CS. I've had three and recovery was fine. I drove before or at two weeks for all of them. I hope you have an easy recovery too.

With the third C-S I stopped taking regular paracetamol quite quickly so that it didn't mask the pain if I was doing too much.

Masses of luck *SleepyMama"

Becky546 · 01/09/2016 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maras2 · 01/09/2016 19:16

I was on your 'employment ' thread in June when you were expecting your 3rd baby.What happened?

IzzyIsBusy · 01/09/2016 19:23

Is it twins

Doggity · 01/09/2016 19:33

I can see both sides. I can see why you're hurt and I can see why she wants to go to this wedding. It must be upsetting for you for her to let you down last minute. I'm more on your side than hers to be honest. I can't imagine doing what she did to one of mine.

Best of luck with it all.

DoneRacing · 01/09/2016 19:49

I understand you're pregnant and probably emotional but please, save your relationship and get a maternity nurse.

Bambamrubblesmum · 01/09/2016 20:32

Acid reflux waking you up - I hear ya sister! That's been my life for the last 9 months

I'm 38 weeks and booked in for my 2nd C-section next week. Try not to worry, it will be fine.

I was all ready to say YABU but actually after your last post I don't think you are. You understandably feel let down and pretty much know where you stand now, which isn't nice at the stage of your pregnancy

So keep going with your back up plan and know you can do this.

Good luck to you

RunningLulu · 01/09/2016 23:22

YABU to think just because you live far away and have to raise a family yourself like every other parent, that she owes it to you to help. My sil had a c section in the US and after 3 weeks of maternity leave had to be back at work full time, arrange childcare for the other kids, and all without any help (bil is a deadbeat). But YANBU for being upset for her going back on her word. I'd be upset too.

Nanny0gg · 02/09/2016 00:11

Only on MN!

You may not live close by but you asked your mum to help after the birth of your child and she said she would.

She then couldn't be honest and tell you she wasn't coming, you had to chase her about it only to be let down.

She is prioritising a social occasion over the birth of her grandchild which she now won't meet for who knows how long as she has no holiday left. Not to mention seeing the other two.

I don't blame you for being upset. And she has shown very clearly where her priorities lay so cutting her off won't make a whole world of difference really.

couldntlovethebearmore · 02/09/2016 09:56

All the people saying 'oh you will be fine- I was' dont be so short sighted- everyone recovers differently. I found walking sitting up and any sort of twisting movements intensely painful for about 4 weeks. Then got an infection. My DH and parents weren't much help either despite them living five minutes away. I struggled in pain but luckily have very good supportive friends.
Of course the OP should be pissed off- its nothing to do with her thinking her mum SHOULD help- its the fact she agreed to and is backing down and putting others first. Yes you only get one mum but that absolutley does not excuse them causing you unecessary upset and distress

Aworldofmyown · 02/09/2016 10:06

But you coped couldn't - thats the point. Mums are amazing and will get through whatever is thrown at them. Maybe we shouldn't have to, but we do!!

I think most people, including myself were trying to reassure the OP as she is understandably stressed.

At 37 weeks DP informed me he could only take 1 week off work, I went absolutely batshit

Floisme · 02/09/2016 10:20

Even before your update I was at choosing a wedding over the birth of a grandchild, never mind letting you down at the last minute.

Sorry op, I don't really know what else to say but I hope everything goes well.

Marynary · 02/09/2016 10:22

I totally agree with NannyOgg. Most parents wouldn't let you down without good reason (and wanting to go to a social event isn't one) as she has done and I don't blame you at all for feeling upset. I wouldn't "cut her off" but I probably wouldn't make any effort to see her in the future.

Nanny0gg · 02/09/2016 18:55

Mums are amazing and will get through whatever is thrown at them. Maybe we shouldn't have to, but we do!!

'Mums' are not superwoman or invincible. They don't always get through whatever's thrown at them. Sometimes they need help.

It is not unreasonable to ask your own mother for that help. She doesn't have to give it, but she should be honest. And she should accept any consequences if she isn't interested.

sexyfish · 02/09/2016 20:03

When I read the OP I thought you were being unreasonable but having seen posts I have changed my mind.

She has let you down at the last minute and effectively left you in the lurch at a time when you are tired, hormonal and worried about a CS.

I would pay for help if you can afford it.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5