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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my mum to help after ds3 is born?

117 replies

SleepymamaJapan · 01/09/2016 10:51

I'm really angry about this but I'm not sure if it's just hormones.

Need some advice. I'm currently 38 weeks with my fourth child, and we live very far from family, so don't get any kind of regular help from anyone. That's fine. Me and hub work hard and are a great team.

My husband has no family - his father is deceased and his Mum is in permanent medical care, as can't look after herself anymore due to a serious brain injury many years ago.

When I found out I was pregnant, I told my immediate family within the first 6-8 weeks, due to some other health issues I've kept it on the DL This time, but I asked my mother to come and help with the older kids in the weeks after (I had hoped to have a home birth but then I found out I need a scheduled c-sec due to placenta previa) and she said yes. We live far away, so I offered to pay her flights.

Skip to the third trimester - she's been a bit distant and avoiding the subject. So I pin her down " I'm booking the flights for this day, is it okay?" After a 3 day radio silence I finally get a call from her saying sorry, but she's decided not to come anymore because she wants to attend a cousins wedding. And she won't have enough holiday time left over to do both.

I am beyond angry, and have not spoken to her since, and apparently she is "very upset" by this - I've been getting all kinds of messages from my aunts about it, but I'm so hurt. She is actively choosing my cousin over me, and my family, and leaving us in a bit of a sticky situation. I'm so angry that I'm quite serious that I'm cutting her off over this.

My DH can take a few days off, but he travels for his job and ne needs to leave 10 days after the c section for a big job in the US for 2 weeks which we knew from the beginning.

AIBU?? I'm just so angry ...

OP posts:

biggles50 · 01/09/2016 11:24

Well she probably didn't know how to tell you that she'd changed her mind and she may well be exhausted. Don't let it ruin your relationship, you only have one mum. Speak to hdr and express your disappointment but don't give out to her. She may be feeling a bit used, sigh I'm only invited over when I'm needed to care for gc. Just a thought. Look after yourself and you're stronger than you think.

formerbabe · 01/09/2016 11:24

I think the op is getting a hard time on here.... IRL it's perfectly normal for a mother to help her dd after the birth of a baby...in this case the op has two other dc and is having a c section...she really needs a hand.

DoinItFine · 01/09/2016 11:25

I think YANBU.

She has left you really stuck by pulling out so late from something she committed to.

I can't imagine ever putting a niece or nephew's wedding ahead of one of my daughters giving birth.

I certainly wouldn't be bending over backwards for that relationship.

PurpleDaisies · 01/09/2016 11:25

former most grandparents don't need to book holiday and fly to a foreign country.

Jinxxx · 01/09/2016 11:28

You haven't said how old your other children are, or how far into your third tremester you are. There is a world of difference between coping with three toddlers and keeping an eye on three older schoolchildren, and betweeh leaving you a childcare problem to solve in three days or three months.

Middleoftheroad · 01/09/2016 11:28

Your mother should have told you sooner, but maybe she was scared of your reaction.

I feel sorry for her, having to fly to another country to help with four children. To cut her off is just harsh and it sounds like she's been really helpful in the past.

Danglyweed · 01/09/2016 11:29

Im sorry but I too think yabu. Id rather go to a wedding too! My parents are 90 miles away but work different shifts 6 days a week, when I went into prem labour with the dt's, dm could only stay one night as the next day was her day off. Over the 7 weeks the dt's were in nicu/scbu she only stayed one more night and took the dd's to hers for 2 nights. I was immensely grateful for that little bit of help, she doesn't owe me or my dc anything really.

trafalgargal · 01/09/2016 11:30

My choice to have kids so my responsibility to arrange childcare.
Sounds like between you and your siblings you've used up your Mums willingness to be an unpaid nanny using every bit of holiday she has. She may also feel your husband should be the one stepping up to look after his family (and frankly she wouldn't be wrong)

sixandoot · 01/09/2016 11:30

Today 11:20 Jinxxx
It does sound like you are thinking what is the point of having a relationship with my mother if she won't do me huge favours as and when I want. Do you put yourself out for her, use up your leave doing stuff for her? Nobody should expect grandparents to drop everything to provide childcare. Perhaps she felt pressured into agreeing and has only just got up the nerve to back out - your reaction suggests you might not have taken it well. I think you should accept her decision gracefully and look to friends or paid childcare if your DP really can't delegate or reschedule his work commitment.

Yep, all of this.

metaphoricus · 01/09/2016 11:34

It makes me wonder what's the point? As you said I live far away and do everything by myself anyway, and by my own choosing, so what's the point of having a relationship with her?

Eh? Because she's your mother and she brought you up.(Assuming she wasn't an awful mother here) My DD lives far away and runs her own life by her own choosing. So what's the point of us continuing to have a mother/daughter relationship?
Can you see how daft that sounds? It sounds like she felt pressured and didn't have the guts to tell you she couldn't manage to do your bidding.
Agreed, she should have told you earlier. But I can see how she might have felt in a tight spot herself.

5moreminutes · 01/09/2016 11:36

YANBU at all to be angry because she said yes

She allowed you to believe for the last 30 weeks that you had the situation covered. If she had said what she meant right from the start she would not have left you up shit creek - you would have had six months to organise an au pair or arrange to fly in a friend without family commitments who might have been willing to help in return for the free flights (especially if you live in an interesting place to visit) with enough notice.

People making offers they have no intention to follow through with are arses tbh

Mind you there'd be no MN and certainly no AIBU if people just said what they meant

Don't "Cut her off" but do let her know that she has really, really made your life incredibly difficult by backing out and that it telling you the truth would have allowed you to arrange alternative help when there was still time.

People do things like this all the time - especially parents/ mothers to their adult children/ daughters IME and it is not OK, but it is so depressingly, mundanely normal that it not worth ending a whole parent-adult offspring relationship over.

I think it is a ridiculous and depressing, frustrating, infuriating result of women being taught to be people pleasers and not say no, but then being told that they are worth it and deserve "me time" - you end up with the shitty unbearable person who says yes to everything to look good and please everyone, then backs out at the last minute because actually they cba and remember they can please themselves. If people would just stick to one line it would be so much easier - say no straight away or asap and own it, otherwise you mess everything up for everyone when you change your mind at the last minute!

YABU to "expect help" as the title asks but YANBU at all to expect help when she said 6 months ago she would help and then cba to tell you to she'd changed her mind while you still had enough time to organise other options.

metaphoricus · 01/09/2016 11:38

PS - I had a C-section whilst I had a toddler, and had no help at all, and it really wasn't as tough as you might think.

5moreminutes · 01/09/2016 11:40

Jin she has said how far along she is - she is 38 weeks, it's right there in the OP.

HateSummer · 01/09/2016 11:41

I think you're getting a hard time here. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I'v always seen mums help daughters with children when they're born and I'd do my most to help my children equally when they have kids, which means dividing my time fairly. Your mum was rude to lead you on like this for so long. I understand how you feel.

Didiusfalco · 01/09/2016 11:43

I feel for you OP, I wasn't one of those people who bounced back immediately after a csection and was grateful for the help I got. I too would park the issue of your mother, concentrate on solving the problem in hand and see how you feel after the baby is born.

5moreminutes · 01/09/2016 11:44

metaphoricus she has 3 other kids though, not one, plus more importantly c-sections, like every other birth, don't all go the same way.

I've had 3 sections and all 3 were different, and 10 days after a section you might be sort of OK to get on with most things fairly normally if you take it easy, or you might be back in hospital with a raging infection, and certainly things like driving and shopping will be impossible (her DH is going to be out of the country for 2 weeks from day 10, not just at work and able to do errands on his way home).

HermioneJeanGranger · 01/09/2016 11:45

How on earth is OP being unreasonable when her mum TOLD HER SHE WOULD BE THERE TO HELP HER and then dropped her in it at the last minute.

Notso · 01/09/2016 11:46

I think the problem is your husband not taking time off work tbh.
Had your Mum been willing to come then great. However she isn't and its up yo you and your husband working something else out. I'd start looking for a temporary nanny.

Arfarfanarf · 01/09/2016 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 01/09/2016 11:46

She should have told you straight away, I agree.

Presumably she didn't know about the wedding when she said yes?

How long was she to stay for?

Is a shorter visit not possible?

Can your husband not take the 10 days off?

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 01/09/2016 11:49

You are entitled to feel hurt and upset. Your own dm has more or less told you that a wedding figures more in her list of priorities over being involvwd in the early days of her gc life!! Never mind holidays /cousins cats friends wedding! This is going to be her grandchild and she is snubbing it already!! I can def see where you are coming from with the dumping her for good idea! Sorry you are in this position - it's not just a physical /practical problem but emotional too. Good luck and my emcs wasn't as bad as I thought having other kids also!

SpiritedLondon · 01/09/2016 11:49

Well I appear to be in the minority. My mum would rather chop her limbs off rather than miss coming to help following major surgery. ( and the opportunity to get her hands on a new baby). My mum was an absolute trooper and stayed throughout my long difficult delivery and then stayed with us for a week to take care of everything else while we got to grips with the baby. How far away is this wedding that it will be using all of her holiday allowance? Why can't she go to the wedding and then come for a little while at least?

SpiritedLondon · 01/09/2016 11:51

Isn't this what family do for each other?

metaphoricus · 01/09/2016 11:55

5moremins I take your point, I suppose I was lucky. Not lucky that I had no help, but that nothing went terribly wrong. However, you can't plan for Armageddon. (That sounds a bit sarcy, not meant to)
I think I would have had to pay for some help in that case. I was just trying to reassure OP as it seems this is her first CS. Also, having older children around to carry washing baskets etc would be quite a big help.

MatildaTheCat · 01/09/2016 11:55

I think YANBU and I would be very angry and upset. Looking at your user name I'm wondering if she is nervous about the trip and her ability to cope? I know that my mother has felt similarly over visits to my db when he's lived in the Far East. The culture and language are just so different.

However she has let you down and whilst I would let her know how angry and upset I was I wouldn't cut her off. Communication is better. Tell her how you feel and then move on. I would be pretty cool for a while, though.

Good luck,mi hope you can buy in some good help. Otherwise do you have any other relation who might love such an opportunity?

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