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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my mum to help after ds3 is born?

117 replies

SleepymamaJapan · 01/09/2016 10:51

I'm really angry about this but I'm not sure if it's just hormones.

Need some advice. I'm currently 38 weeks with my fourth child, and we live very far from family, so don't get any kind of regular help from anyone. That's fine. Me and hub work hard and are a great team.

My husband has no family - his father is deceased and his Mum is in permanent medical care, as can't look after herself anymore due to a serious brain injury many years ago.

When I found out I was pregnant, I told my immediate family within the first 6-8 weeks, due to some other health issues I've kept it on the DL This time, but I asked my mother to come and help with the older kids in the weeks after (I had hoped to have a home birth but then I found out I need a scheduled c-sec due to placenta previa) and she said yes. We live far away, so I offered to pay her flights.

Skip to the third trimester - she's been a bit distant and avoiding the subject. So I pin her down " I'm booking the flights for this day, is it okay?" After a 3 day radio silence I finally get a call from her saying sorry, but she's decided not to come anymore because she wants to attend a cousins wedding. And she won't have enough holiday time left over to do both.

I am beyond angry, and have not spoken to her since, and apparently she is "very upset" by this - I've been getting all kinds of messages from my aunts about it, but I'm so hurt. She is actively choosing my cousin over me, and my family, and leaving us in a bit of a sticky situation. I'm so angry that I'm quite serious that I'm cutting her off over this.

My DH can take a few days off, but he travels for his job and ne needs to leave 10 days after the c section for a big job in the US for 2 weeks which we knew from the beginning.

AIBU?? I'm just so angry ...

OP posts:
DoinItFine · 01/09/2016 11:56

Jesus she has given you, what, a week's notice that you have no help after your section?

Shock

She has really let you down.

There is no real reason to stay in touch with someone who woukd treat you like that.

shovetheholly · 01/09/2016 11:57

Mumsnet is full of people who tell mothers they are unreasonable for wanting any help from family. I wonder how many of those people really ARE entirely alone themselves (and I mean raisings kids while working full time without any help, unpaid or paid), and if they are, whether they would truly wish that on others as the ideal situation in which to raise a child. As someone who comes from quite an unsupportive family, I look at friends who have close, good relationships with their parents with envy mixed joy that such things are possible. I do think the whole family's health, mental and physical, benefits tremendously from mutual support.

YANBU - she has messed you about and family ought to be there in the tough times, not swanning off to a wedding instead just because that is more 'fun'. YABU to cut her off over it, but I don't think some recalibration of the relationship in light of her priorities would be out of line.

MaudGonneMad · 01/09/2016 11:58

No, it's not clear when the mother told the OP that she wasn't coming - all the OP stated was that it was the 'third trimester'. Not that it happened this week (when she is 38 weeks pregnant).

Jinxxx · 01/09/2016 11:58

5moreminutes Sorry, yes I know the OP is 38 weeks now. What I meant was how long ago did all this business with the DM happen - the avoiding the subject, three day radio silence, refusal to come, no longer speaking, messages from other relatives etc? The OP says it happened in the third trimester but as I said there is a world of difference between backing out with three months to go and doing the same with three days to go.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/09/2016 12:01

'What is the point?'
That is a horrible way of thinking. Do you only have relationships with people who can help you in some way?
She shouldn't have told you so late, but I wonder why she did.

BigTroubleInLittleChina · 01/09/2016 12:03

You are right to feel upset and alone. My DD's would come before absolutely anything else.

Basically your mum has put a jolly wedding above the needs of her daughter. I would give her the cold shoulder for some time but eventually get over it....you may need her help in the future....if you have No5.

Aworldofmyown · 01/09/2016 12:04

OP, you will be fine. A c'section isn't as bad as you imagine, I've had three!

I understand why you feel let down and left out but the only thing your mum has done wrong is to leave it so late. Please don't cut her off over this.

Toocold · 01/09/2016 12:07

Yanbu, I'm amazed some people think you are, and a one in a life time opportunity?! It's a wedding, presumably she'll see her sob.ings another time, a baby is a once in a life time opportunity,I cannot imagine putting my siblings wedding over my child, however old they are, especially when they will be vulnerable. I hope you get it all sorted op.

Toocold · 01/09/2016 12:08

Siblings!

Dadstheworld · 01/09/2016 12:09

YANBU

I can understand the “What’s the point” mentality” Seems like your mother is quite happy stringing you along and dropping you in it. OP did make arrangements well in advance. Although cutting someone off is just an understandable knee jerk reaction, once you have cooled off I'm sure you will think differently.

NotMe321 · 01/09/2016 12:10

A baby obviously is a once in a lifetime thing. However, babysitting your other grandchildren isn't.

metaphoricus · 01/09/2016 12:15

shovetheholly Just for the record - I personally have no close family at all - apart from the children, obvs. I think there are plenty of us about.

Tunafishandlions · 01/09/2016 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChasedByBees · 01/09/2016 12:26

I would be extremely disappointed in your situation OP, both for the late notice and prioritising a wedding over you when you really need her help and support.

I don't think YABU but perhaps let things settle. I would rely on her less in future though and that would affect the relationship.

Newenglandinthefall · 01/09/2016 12:29

Sorry but yes yabu. She should have confirmed earlier as I imagine you are feeling the pressure to come up with the alternative arrangements at this late stage but my feeling is it not the Grandparents responsibility to have to help. If they offer, great, but it's not a given. Your babies, your choice.

trafalgargal · 01/09/2016 12:34

It's a massive ask to expect anyone who works full time to give up all their holiday time to travel long haul to work for you unpaid and then fly home and go straight back to work. If she found herself exhausted doing it for your brother with no or less travelling and only two kids perhaps the thought of it with double the kids and a long flight when she knows you can afford local help instead contributed to her decision ?

It really was a massive ask especially as your husband is sodding off and leaving you to it and expecting her to pick up his slack (that bit would really piss me off as he's essentially saying she can go without holiday because his needs are so much more important than hers . If he can't be bothered to be home to look after his wife and kids then why should she (I. Simply don't believe any business commitment can't be rescheduled or delegated with months and months of notice, whatever he tells you)

PizzaFlavouredCupcake · 01/09/2016 12:36

I don't know. YANBU she should have definitely told you before you booked the plane tickets, but YABU she dosen't have to miss a wedding because you had kids! Overall I think she should have told you earlier and because she hasn't she should give the wedding a miss

Goingtobeawesome · 01/09/2016 12:36

YANBU at all! She said she'd help and then didn't have the decency or maturity to tell you she'd changed her mind.

Dadstheworld · 01/09/2016 12:37

I don't think blaming the DH is appropriate here. He made plans on the assumption that the mother had agreed to come over, His business have flights booked I assume schedules of works planned for a visit to the US.

yes it's a big ask, but this was organised months ago.

mollie123 · 01/09/2016 12:46

We only get one mother - do not forget she has her own life as well and if she agreed to this months ago - many things could have cropped up in the meantime and she did not mention these because she did not want to upset you?

greenfolder · 01/09/2016 12:47

You sound hormonal! Put it this way. Dm presumably works full time. So far this year she has taken 2 weeks of leave to help out your brother after his second child was born. You are on your fourth baby. You expected her to come for a few weeks. She isn't picking your cousin over you at all. She is taking part of her annual leave for her. To do something that she wants to do. Presumably to catch up and party with her family
Seriously do not fall out long distance with her over this. You will regret it.

Mix56 · 01/09/2016 12:51

IHRTFT, but I expect looking after 3 young children may be too much for her.
I never had any help from my parents, the 2nd child was C section.
I was home, cooking, shopping & doing the school run within a week

Faithless · 01/09/2016 12:53

I'm with Ladymariner. New grandchild and DD in need of a hand would trump almost anything except a near death situation. Having been lucky enough to have been brought up by Aunties and my Grandmother, in addition to my own mum, I just don't get the isolated nuclear family thing, "its your decision to have children, you get on with it on your own". The OP is not asking for her mum to bring her children up, just to help for a short time. It takes a whole village to raise a child ... and all that.
Not that I think you should cut her off completely though, you might feel differently when the baby is born.

crje · 01/09/2016 12:56

My mother was great when I had 2 kids .
When I had no4 the house was to chaotic for her.

CathFromCooberPedy · 01/09/2016 12:58

Yanbu . Your dm said yes then changed her mind at 38 weeks?! I'd cut her off for a while too. That's actually pretty fucking calous of her.

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