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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to provide own lunch?

113 replies

whateveryousay · 27/08/2016 17:11

Staying at the opposite end of the country to where we live, with DH's parents. SIL and her DH have invited us all for lunch tomorrow. They live near to PIL. So there will be me, DH, PIL, and our 4DC. DH and MIL have informed me that we will call at Sainos en route to buy bread, ham, fruit etc to take, ie we provide our own lunch. For context, DH and I are comparatively well off compared to SIL. We are treating the whole family to dinner at a local restaurant tomorrow eve, including SIL and her DH, and whenever they visit us I cater for them very generously. So AIBU to expect that they can fork out for a few baguettes and some ham and cheese when they 'invite us for lunch'?

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 27/08/2016 17:13

I wouldn't mind at all if they were ill/ had just had a baby or something and weren't really up to making anything. Otherwise it's a bit odd.

DoreenLethal · 27/08/2016 17:16

How is that 'inviting us all for lunch'?

'I invite you all to buy your own lunch'.

'Gee thanks sis!'

drinkyourmilk · 27/08/2016 17:16

Are you sure this has nothing to do with your pil?
Whenever we invite my pil over they insist on 'not being a bother' or 'bringing something to help out' drives me to distraction as we've already planned what to have etc.

tighterthanscrooge · 27/08/2016 17:18

They could be very hard up and have asked PIL to help out with lunch
If they're already on a budget then catering for extra people could be a struggle

WorraLiberty · 27/08/2016 17:18

I'd be happy to do that, rather than expect them to provide lunch for all 8 of us.

Plus, you can choose what you know the kids will eat.

MerylPeril · 27/08/2016 17:19

When we used to go to BIL/SIL we used to always have to buy our own lunch/dinner and often theirs too
They used to call us cheap all time....

Original poster
whateveryousay · 27/08/2016 17:19

No, no special circumstances. SIL is just tight I think, always has been. Just pisses me off that when I point out that it's a bit 'odd' to DH, he gives me a look that suggests IABU.

OP posts:
DeathStare · 27/08/2016 17:24

I think you're making a fuss about nothing. Maybe feeding an extra 8 people is a big deal to them financially. It would be for me. You make it clear that it's not a big deal to you financially so how about some empathy.

And they're only asking you to pick up some bread/cheese/cold meats - not lobster and caviar. And they aren't asking you to cook the meal. They are still going to the effort of hosting. And it means they aren't having to try to predict what 8 different people would like or not like to eat.

Sounds like a lovely relaxed idea to me.

Charlesroi · 27/08/2016 17:25

When you go to the restaurant suggest you split the bill?

DoreenLethal · 27/08/2016 17:26

We are treating the whole family to dinner at a local restaurant tomorrow eve, including SIL and her DH

In this case invite them to buy their own meals tomorrow night. With a smile.

tofutti · 27/08/2016 17:28

YANBU. You know her and know it's her being tight.

They want the kudos of having hosted lunch without the expense. A few sarnies and squash would hardly break the bank.

Rainbowunicorn71 · 27/08/2016 17:28

Has SIL suggested this then?
For some reason my family do this to me constantly and it drives me nuts!! I will invite them to lunch and they will insist on bringing lunch or at least one course with them. Fair enough I have less money than they do but I can afford lunch!! Confused
So it may not be her at all. Either way, yes totally reasonable to expect her to cater but I wouldn't make it into a big deal, it's not worth it.

MillionToOneChances · 27/08/2016 17:31

Perhaps it's your MiLs way of inviting you to contribute since SHE is buying dinner when you go out? Check Grin

Original poster
whateveryousay · 27/08/2016 17:33

Haha, Doreen, I like that idea 😆 Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of their finances, but I wouldn't have thought they couldn't afford bread, cheese and crisps for 8 people. I guess I just think they aren't really 'inviting' us if we have to take our own food, so why bother? I suppose I'll have to thank them profusely for having us too Hmm Not the end of the world, I suppose. They aren't bad otherwise.

OP posts:
VeryBitchyRestingFace · 27/08/2016 17:34

I'd be thinking they must be very hard up. Sad

JudyCoolibar · 27/08/2016 17:34

YANBU. Respond by saying "OK then, you want us to do that instead of taking you out in the evening?"

FeckinCrutches · 27/08/2016 17:36

Had SIL actually asked your husband and MIL to go and get food to take to hers or are they just suggesting it? Big difference!

PepsiPenguin · 27/08/2016 17:37

I feel your pain! This is exactly what my inlaws are like.

I can imagine it just sounds like you are being a bit mean to some, as you say you are reasonably well off, it's not lobster and caviar but that's almost the point isn't it. You are taking them out for dinner tomorrow (that's money they save for feeding themselves) and it doesn't cost much to buy a loaf of bread, some cheese and some crisps so why can't they put their hands in their pockets for once :)

It's the expectation, and at times it grates - if it was a request, would you mind picking up XYZ? I guess you wouldn't mind so much but being told after being invited for lunch is actually quite frustrating, especially when the people aren't exactly on the breadline, if they were I'm guessing you wouldn't be posting on here as you would appreciate their circumstances.

Velvetdarkness · 27/08/2016 17:38

I agree with Judy.

"Sure, we will bring our own lunch, and we will split the bill in the evening. "

ClashCityRocker · 27/08/2016 17:38

Is it possible sil is doing a larger buffet and asked mil to bring a few bits?

nancy75 · 27/08/2016 17:38

If you are so hard up that you can't afford to make a plate of sandwiches then you don't invite people round for lunch

rollonthesummer · 27/08/2016 17:43

YANBU. Respond by saying "OK then, you want us to do that instead of taking you out in the evening?"

This!!

Original poster
whateveryousay · 27/08/2016 17:44

It may well be MILs suggestion, to be fair. She does pander to SILs 'tightness'. Even so, I's still think it odd. They really aren't hard up, of course if they were I'd never be posting on here. I think nancy sums it up pretty well for me, thank you.

OP posts:
chocdonutyy · 27/08/2016 17:46

Maybe they just want you to pick the stuff up and will settle with you later?
Might be easier for you as its on the way rather than them making a special trip.

NicknameUsed · 27/08/2016 17:46

I'm kind of on the fence with this. I think that if you invite someone for lunch you should provide it. In your SIL's case I would have made a massive cauldron of soup and just served it with crusty bread.

However if she really is hard up then catering for 8 more people is going to cost a fair bit and I can understand why she is asking for some contributions.

I would be tempted to buy just for your immediate family and not let her and her family get a look in on your food.