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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to provide own lunch?

113 replies

whateveryousay · 27/08/2016 17:11

Staying at the opposite end of the country to where we live, with DH's parents. SIL and her DH have invited us all for lunch tomorrow. They live near to PIL. So there will be me, DH, PIL, and our 4DC. DH and MIL have informed me that we will call at Sainos en route to buy bread, ham, fruit etc to take, ie we provide our own lunch. For context, DH and I are comparatively well off compared to SIL. We are treating the whole family to dinner at a local restaurant tomorrow eve, including SIL and her DH, and whenever they visit us I cater for them very generously. So AIBU to expect that they can fork out for a few baguettes and some ham and cheese when they 'invite us for lunch'?

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/08/2016 19:09

I would buy it, and present them with the receipt 'so you can pay us back!'

Sara107 · 27/08/2016 19:15

Bit odd, if they really can't manage to feed 8 people extra ( which is a lot) due to cost or logistics, then don't invite for lunch,. Ask to come for afternoon visit when just a cup of tea would do.

Inertia · 27/08/2016 19:19

I'd stick with just taking stuff that you know your children will eat.

diddl · 27/08/2016 19:21

I don't understand all the suggestions to make SIL pay or withdraw the offer for dinner when the husband might be more than happy to be spending money on his family in this way.

Or MIL is buying lunch tomorrow?

I can't see a problem with 6 people providing food when they are visiting 2 people.

trafalgargal · 27/08/2016 19:22

So where is it that you are that you are unable to ask your DH how this idea came about .....presumably this same area of utter isolation also has no mobile service so you can't ring your SIL to find out specifics of what you should bring (and potentially find out she knows nothing about it)

These people are your family ...instead of guessing ask them whose idea it was if only so you can bitch about the right person.

rollonthesummer · 27/08/2016 19:22

Why invite those 6 people round then, diddl?!

diddl · 27/08/2016 19:29

Perhaps they can't be bothered to travel?

Maybe they will have provided stuff but MIL likes to turn up with stuff anyway?

Maybe MIL?husband asked if they could bring anything?

Maybe SIL is an entitled lazy arse!

If ILs invited us 4 & husband said that we needed to pick up x, y&z I really wouldn't care at all.

RosieSW · 27/08/2016 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LemonScentedStickyBat · 27/08/2016 19:37

See, I would see this as an informal family get together, with SIL's house as a convenient meeting point, rather than an 'invitation to lunch' as such. We did the very same thing with my ILs the other week and stopped off at the supermarket for them, and they provided loads of drinks, cake etc. I suppose if they would refuse to do the same for you then that's annoying.

Is there a particular reason you are taking them all out for dinner? That's very generous.

AtleastitsnotMonday · 27/08/2016 19:38

I would agree with those saying if they are local and can't afford to host lunch then it would be far better to just invite you round for a cup of tea.
Maybe you could ring/text SIL to clarify arrangements
'Hi, MIL mentioned you wanted us to bring a dish for lunch, anything in particular? Just don't want to duplicate what you're doing!'
Then if it is MIL double catering you won't take food that will go to waste. If it's SIL being tight you'll know that too.

diddl · 27/08/2016 19:38

Ah yes, that's exactly it, Lemon

Chickoletta · 27/08/2016 19:47

This smacks of MIL interference I think.

Whenever my MIL comes round to babysit she brings food and sneaks it into our cupboards - not fancy biscuits or anything nice, value brand bread, crisps etc and half withered fruit! We are comfortably off and really don't need food parcels!

Jaynebxl · 27/08/2016 19:52

Do they have children? How many people are you taking out for dinner?

DeathStare · 27/08/2016 19:55

This smacks of MIL interference I think

Yes I think so too. Quite possibly well meaning interference because she knows more about the SIL's lifestyle/finances/whatever. But my spidey senses also suggest this is an idea that originated with MIL.

Rainbowunicorn71 · 27/08/2016 19:57

I once invited the whole family to a buffet, the week before I was listing some of the foods I was planning to offer. My gran decided she wouldn't like anything so she brought a packed lunch with her.
Could SIL serve stuff that MIL doesn't like or disapproves of in some way?

SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn · 27/08/2016 20:06

It's both lovely and generous of you to be treating dinner for the family, Op. But in the spirit of harmony it probably won't be such a big deal to throw in a couple of baguettes, ham, etc for the lunch. Possibly it is MIL doing the not-wanting-to-arrive-empty-handed-thing and hosts will possibly be laying on stuff too. But at the end of the day it's a convivial family get together so don't let this small blip spoil the get together for you.

Original poster
whateveryousay · 27/08/2016 20:20

Yes, it might be DH's idea, I haven't been able to get him on his own to ask him yet. I think it's unlikely though, since we are taking everyone out to dinner in the eve (no particular reason, just to do a nice thing because we can), so also providing lunch would, imo, be overkill. To reiterate, we are bot talking about people on the poverty line, they just have less than us. I'm not going to bring it up with MIL or SIL as I'm not willing to have a family row over some bread and ham. I was just wondering if it was me being unreasonable to be a bit pissed off. Even if it is MILs idea, I'd still be pissed off that she would suggest it. Again, no one here is apparently struggling, and we are very generous I feel, so I think they are taking the piss a bit.

OP posts:
MimsyPimsy · 27/08/2016 20:24

I just don't get the big deal. Confused Why give it any thought? Just pick up the food and enjoy the day. Everyone's different - just make the most of the occasion. Some people are tight, but have other good qualities. Others are generous, but have other bad qualities. Life's too short to take umbrage, I think.

Original poster
whateveryousay · 27/08/2016 20:29

Yeah, you're right, I suppose mimsy. Just don't like people taking the piss, I think. I'll get over it, I'm sure.

OP posts:
hefzi · 27/08/2016 21:13

Lord. We have large multi-relative family buffets some times - but as the majority of people are very rural, it's not unusual that the one passing the nice bakery 40 miles away is asked to grab a baguette, and the one who passes the butcher that's 20 miles away on their journey in to grab some cold meat. (And the cousin with a dairy herd supplies extra cheese. And four dozen eggs.)

It's not tightness - just saving extra journeys (and is way better than a hostess gift of boxes of chocolates or pot plants if it's in lieu of those anyway imo)

OP, I wouldn't see it as tightness: surely, unless it's a sandwich lunch Hmm then it's more "brilliant, don't need to go out to get bread on a BH Sunday" etc than expecting you to bring your own food. And I think taking them for dinner is a totally separate issue.

And unless a baguette and some ham has become the new MN chicken, it's hardly going to feed all of you anyway!

hefzi · 27/08/2016 21:15

And actually, I'll go further - is it just that your SIL pisses you off in general (mine does - pisses me off, not you Grin - and you've mentioned several times that she's tight...) so this is the latest in her list of travesties?

Honestly - let it go, whilst basking in your superior generosity, of both spirit and pocket, and just try to have a lovely time!

Original poster
whateveryousay · 27/08/2016 21:18

Haha, she does actually piss me off a bit (only cos she's tight)!! And the Sainsbury's is 50metres from her front door, so not a matter of 'if you're passing' at all. In fact, I'd probably park at her house to walk there.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 27/08/2016 21:26

Does the sil have an oh? Lots of posts calling her mean, disorganised, talking about her hosting skills etc but no one has mentioned her partner yet?
Is she your dhs sister?

StealthPolarBear · 27/08/2016 21:27

Oh she is. Fair enough maybe but I suspect if she were dhs brothers wife many posts would have been exactly the same :o

harverina · 27/08/2016 21:32

Take 8 packets of pre packed sandwiches, a multi pack of crisps and an 8 pack of cans for only the "guests". Either that or wait in the car for your in laws to get the food and leg them pay for it.

The op has said clearly that they aren't poor, they aren't rural and a shop is nearby.

Some people take take take all the time and aren't willing to give anything in return. It's rude to invite someone for lunch then ask them to bring the food. Completely different from a bring a dish buffet type event, which is acceptable.

If you don't want the hassle of making lunch for people and don't have the money to do it then don't offer. Simple. They are seeing you tomorrow night anyway so it's not like they had to see you during the day too.