Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to provide own lunch?

113 replies

whateveryousay · 27/08/2016 17:11

Staying at the opposite end of the country to where we live, with DH's parents. SIL and her DH have invited us all for lunch tomorrow. They live near to PIL. So there will be me, DH, PIL, and our 4DC. DH and MIL have informed me that we will call at Sainos en route to buy bread, ham, fruit etc to take, ie we provide our own lunch. For context, DH and I are comparatively well off compared to SIL. We are treating the whole family to dinner at a local restaurant tomorrow eve, including SIL and her DH, and whenever they visit us I cater for them very generously. So AIBU to expect that they can fork out for a few baguettes and some ham and cheese when they 'invite us for lunch'?

OP posts:
FeckinCrutches · 27/08/2016 17:47

But the thing is, SIL might not even know MIL is taking extra stuff so it's not really her fault us it?

chocdonutyy · 27/08/2016 17:49

Actually just realised you have 4 dc's.
Maybe you are BU as you are better off and expecting them to feed a family of 6 extra and when it's the other way round you are just feeding 2 extra!

Original poster
whateveryousay · 27/08/2016 17:49

No, definitely not the case choc. I will just suck it up, for the sake of family harmony. Just glad to know I'm not alone in thinking this is Unreasonable!

OP posts:
BuffyFan · 27/08/2016 17:53

If they were that hard up, then to me the answer is they shouldn't "invite" you over for lunch. It's the bank holiday weekend, it would be easy enough to say "let's go somewhere and have a picnic, everybody bring something" and it would be less strange, and totally OK for you to each feed your own. We do that all the time.

If this were happening in my family, it would totally my mother or MIL "contributing" though. We've been together 18 years and I can't remember the last time we were allowed to supply an entire meal without it being supplemented.

Nusername · 27/08/2016 17:53

Only on Mumsnet. Someone upthread suggesting this is better than actually being fed when you're invited for lunch? They'd prefer it!!! What a load of complete BS.
If you're invuted for lunch then you're entitled to expect food to be provided. You're not entitled to demand particular food or expect it but the OP isn't.

gamerchick · 27/08/2016 17:56

Just sack it off and see them that evening instead. You don't have to go.

MackerelOfFact · 27/08/2016 17:57

I'd get it and then when you get to SIL's say "oh don't worry about paying us back, we've both agreed we'll just split the restuarant bill tomorrow instead and we'll call it evens" with a smile.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/08/2016 18:06

Would you consider refusing to contribute to lunch as you're paying for dinner? Tell PIL they can pick up the tab. Then see their reaction.

OverlyLoverly · 27/08/2016 18:07

Unless you know what was said between your MIL and your SIL then you can't blame your SIL of anything. Your MIL may have suggested it and insisted on it.

diddl · 27/08/2016 18:14

" DH and MIL have informed me that we will call at Sainos en route"

So it might be your husband or MIL BU & nothing to do with SIL?

DeathStare · 27/08/2016 18:14

Just another thought, but is SIL chronically disorganised?

I have a friend who whenever I get invited round to hers for drinks or to watch a film or even to pick her up for something or whatever, when I get there the necessary stuff to do whatever we had planned is never in place and we spend the next hour faffing around sorting it out.

She doesn't mean to do it, it's just the way she is.

I've learnt over the years that if I'm going round to do something specific I need to take the necessary stuff with me or I'll be getting increasingly frustrated while she faffs around.

Maybe your SIL is the same and your MIL knows from experience that unless you bring the food with you, you will all rock up and your SIL will only then open up the fridge and realise that she doesn't have food in for 8 people and lunch will end up being served tea time?

expatinscotland · 27/08/2016 18:16

YANBU

ChocChocPorridge · 27/08/2016 18:17

TBH, I know my sisters are harder up than me, and even though they absolutely would never ask, I always try to bring whatever is needed, because I don't want them eating porridge and rice for the next week, or saving up to feed me, when I can help out, so in your place, I wouldn't care.

Even if I did think they were taking the mick (and I do have relatives who do) - I just take a deep breath and go along with it, as long as I'm not causing myself trouble, because sometimes it's worth it for an easy life.

PuckyMup · 27/08/2016 18:27

Do the have kids? Is it a panic on what tjey will eat so its eaisier if you bring it?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/08/2016 18:30

Respond by saying "OK then, you want us to do that instead of taking you out in the evening?"

Excellent idea - this way you're not being pointed or rude, but just "clarifying things"

And I doubt she could respond with "oooooh I thought you were taking us out as well " - or could she??!! Hmm Grin

Sgtmajormummy · 27/08/2016 18:33

You could just take stuff that would keep like jars of pickles and mayo, tins of corned beef or some vaccuum packed smoked salmon, bottles of fizzy drinks and a treat for the adults and look on it as a gift for SIL. Plus a secret loaf of bread in case it's REALLY needed for lunch.

Then if MIL is doing the "we don't want to cause you any trouble" silliness and things ARE fully catered for, at least your hard up SIL will get a few meals out of what you brought.

That's what a magnanimous person would do. Or a PA one with a hefty dollop of "I hope you choke on it!". Grin

Floggingmolly · 27/08/2016 18:34

If "feeding an extra 8 people is a big deal to them"; why are they inviting an extra 8 people to lunch? Hmm
It's an invitation, op hasn't just called and announced she'll be over tomorrow expecting to be fed.
I never understand these do's where people are expected to pay for themselves because it would be unreasonable for the host to shoulder the burden. Providing the host hasn't been strong armed into it, it's exactly what they should be doing.
That said, I would of course bring wine / chocolates / flowers / pudding / whatever, but no, I would absolutely refuse to go if I had to cater the entire meal.

rookiemere · 27/08/2016 18:37

I would just say that your family don't want to put anyone out so instead you'll have your lunch at the supermarket café on your way.
Even if they aren't rich how much does it cost to lay on a few ham sandwiches.

Yellowbird54321 · 27/08/2016 18:37

As some other pp have said it's not fair to blame SIL when you don't actually know that it is her who has requested this! She may have lunch stuff all sorted and it's MIL deciding to bring extra stuff. Plus if you're okay for money then a bit of bread and ham is hardly worth worrying about, you do sound a bit tight yourself tbh.

GrumpyMcGrumpFace · 27/08/2016 18:39

I would assume, if this were happening in my family, that DH and MIL knew something I didn't. I'd find it odd they weren't telling me whatever it is.

TBH treating everyone at a restaurant costs so much more than catering at home, I think bargaining one against the other looks mean spirited.

So my reaction wouldn't be that SIL was being U, but that DH and MIL were being U in not telling me why we were doing this. But I guess, you know your family (in which case, you didn't really need my opinion anyway!)

RosieSW · 27/08/2016 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Botanicbaby · 27/08/2016 18:53

I think if you've offered to 'treat' them all to a meal out at a restaurant then you should not conflate that with going to visit them for lunch. Its not tit for tat is it?

As PP said perhaps there's a very good reason why your DH and MIL have suggested stopping at supermarket first. It may not be due to your SIL being tight. MIL maybe used to helping SIL out in this way for whatever reason.

DixieWishbone · 27/08/2016 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

serin · 27/08/2016 19:02

RosieSW....Yes I was also wondering if this was the DH's idea? Just trying to be generous or no bother? Hmm

I frequently open the door to my mother who has arrived for lunch and find she has brought a 2 week supply of shopping with her!! Just trying to be helpful.

It drives me mad!

trappedinsuburbia · 27/08/2016 19:04

Maybe its your MIL idea as there are so many of you, an extra 8 people is quite a lot, perhaps SIL is also making something and this is just a bit of a contribution.
When I last went to visit SIL I went to the shop and bought a load of stuff for lunch as she has no DC and I thought she wouldn't really know what the dc would like anyway as we don't see her that often. She had got some stuff in for us but was relieved I had got some stuff as well the dc would definitely eat. (they ate all her stuff as well greedy wee blighters).