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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to provide own lunch?

113 replies

whateveryousay · 27/08/2016 17:11

Staying at the opposite end of the country to where we live, with DH's parents. SIL and her DH have invited us all for lunch tomorrow. They live near to PIL. So there will be me, DH, PIL, and our 4DC. DH and MIL have informed me that we will call at Sainos en route to buy bread, ham, fruit etc to take, ie we provide our own lunch. For context, DH and I are comparatively well off compared to SIL. We are treating the whole family to dinner at a local restaurant tomorrow eve, including SIL and her DH, and whenever they visit us I cater for them very generously. So AIBU to expect that they can fork out for a few baguettes and some ham and cheese when they 'invite us for lunch'?

OP posts:
AtleastitsnotMonday · 27/08/2016 21:51

Could you come back and update tomorrow OP. I would love to know if this is interfering MIL or SIL not wanting to spend.

Original poster
whateveryousay · 27/08/2016 22:26

Will do atleast Still not got DH on own yet to interrogate ask, but he's had a drink now anyway, so will wait til morn now.

OP posts:
Original poster
whateveryousay · 28/08/2016 08:55

It was MIL's suggestion. Apparently there was a 3 way conversation between DH, MIL and SIL, along the lines of...
SIL: would you all like to come to lunch tomorrow? Just something light, as we're all eating out tomorrow eve.
DH & MIL: lovely, thank you
SIL: ok, well I'll go out in the morning to get baguettes, cold meats etc.
MIL: oh don't worry, whatever and mrwhatever will bring stuff, won't you, mrwhatever?
DH: errr, yes
Rude, and taking the piss out of our generosity, imo. They don't have kids, no, but they visit us for extended periods very often, and I always cater for them fully, and happily. Because PIL and SIL live close to each other, we always stay with PIL, so I don't think IABU to think SIL could provide us with a ham sandwich this one time. Anyway, I'm not going to say anything, as I'm not going to spoil the day over a bloody baguette or two. Will just roll my eyes inwardly Grin

OP posts:
TallulahTheTiger · 28/08/2016 08:57

Don't shop with MIL though- sounds like she may pile your trolley high!

TallulahTheTiger · 28/08/2016 08:58

Couple of baguettes, some ham and multipack of crisps should be fine?

diddl · 28/08/2016 09:10

Well it's your husband who agreed to it!

There was no reason he couldn't have told his mum not to be so daft.

WipsGlitter · 28/08/2016 09:11

So it's mil not SIL interfering? Could you call SIL and ask exactly what she needs to see if she tells you to forget about it?

Lunch and dinner in one day - nightmare!!

WipsGlitter · 28/08/2016 09:13

Also what's with the obsession with baguettes on this thread?! Grin

RandyMagnum · 28/08/2016 09:28

Sounds like the problem is with the mother in law, and she blindsided your husband into it with little time to rebuff it. If it had been me, I would have said "no actually, we're paying for tomorrow evenings meal..."

jmh740 · 28/08/2016 09:31

If there is 6 of you are you going in 2 cars? If so suggest in laws go to the shops and you drive straight to sils with the children so you don't have to drag them all around the shops. Then mil can do her own shopping

rollonthesummer · 28/08/2016 10:34

Why would your mil do this? Is she interfering? Does she think you earn loads so should pay for everything?

Just don't go shopping WITH MIL. She sounds like she'll pile up your trolley and make you pay. Say you'll meet then there.

I'd phone SIL from the shop and ask what she has already so you don't duplicate...

Shelby2010 · 28/08/2016 11:23

If the shop is by SIL's house then you should go there 'to drop the kids off' first as you don't want to be dragging them all round the supermarket. Have a cup of tea, and see how long it takes them to send you back out for the shopping... If there is a pub nearby then you should go with DH & stop off for a drink on the way. Depends how old your kids as to whether looking after them all for an hour is suitable punishment for SIL....

JudyCoolibar · 28/08/2016 11:30

I hope you've told DH that if he ever agrees to anything similar again he will suffer mightily?

MimsyPimsy · 28/08/2016 12:11

I just don't get this thread. Your MIL was just being nice. She thought, well, we're going past the shops, so we'll just pick up the food. Your DH agreed. No problem. It won't take a moment for one of you to pop in, and pick up the food.

It's nice that you're buying the meal the following night, but why offer if you're going to have such a mean-spirited attitude. People are different, and to SIL hospitality must not be such a big deal. Just offer them less hospitality, so you feel less resentful, and be nicer about them. Smile

KMotion · 28/08/2016 12:17

I just don't get this thread. Your MIL was just being nice. She thought, well, we're going past the shops, so we'll just pick up the food. Your DH agreed. No problem. It won't take a moment for one of you to pop in, and pick up the food

I agree, I really don't see the problem. If you don't want to host your SIL when she visits then let her know. I would hate to visit someone who was begrudging my visit.

Pangurban1 · 28/08/2016 12:52

My sister used to share a flat with a friend. The friend's family were farmers. When they visited their daughter, a cold cooked roast and cake would be produced. Extra for the flat.

If the mother was staying overnight, they might go for a meal. If they met friends the mother would usually say "Are they the type of people you are mixing with?" Or "do you not know any normal people?"

My own mother would nearly walk on top of you to be the person to make it to the till if we were eating out at a carvery. She wouldn't give in if you wanted to treat her and would fight to pick up a restaurant bill. Also big shops gifted to make sure you were eating properly.

Pangurban1 · 28/08/2016 12:53

Sorry, in relation to op. Sometimes parents are the ones who insist on bringing the food or taking pressure of their children.

Pangurban1 · 28/08/2016 12:55

Just seen your post. MIL offering of your behalf. Slightly different complexion.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/08/2016 12:57

Let your mil pay. She's full of the bright ideas.

PepsiPenguin · 28/08/2016 13:00

Your missing the point, as this isn't being "nice" this is the MIL being generous with the OP & OP DH money, more than likely because it's assumed their better off. From what the OP has said It wasn't

MIL: don't worry we will go to the shops.

It was

MIL "OP & OP-DH will go to the shops."

Intention for OP family to pay for lunch when they have already commited to being nice enough to take them for dinner.

I have been out for a meal and the bill has come round and an IL as stopped the offers of splitting the bill with "oh don't worry, Pepsi/Pepsi & DP will get this, they don't mind"

You then have two choices, pay or make it really bloody awkward at a dinner table, because an IL is being insistent on paying on your behalf.

I doubt the OP begrudges her IL's visiting, but it takes a toll when every time you see family you end up being the ones who do the treating, sometimes it is nice to be treated too. It gets to a point where you feel taken advantage off because your generosity is expected and it is actually very frustrating and at times it's not even possible to do it as your own finances on the face of it may be higher than they actually are (flexible salaries here given the nature of our work)

Nothing I can see within the OP update implies the MiL was going to be doing the shopping.

JudyCoolibar · 28/08/2016 13:09

I just don't get this thread. Your MIL was just being nice. She thought, well, we're going past the shops, so we'll just pick up the food. Your DH agreed. No problem. It won't take a moment for one of you to pop in, and pick up the food.

How is it being nice for MiL to offer for someone else to get the food and pay for it? And sorry, it doesn't take "a moment" to:

  • find a parking space at a supermarket and park;
  • unstrap four kids, possibly getting out a pushchair for one or more of them and setting it up and strapping him/them in;
  • walk to the shop;
  • wander around a shop with an unfamiliar layout looking for the various bits and pieces;
  • supervise the kids who are probably extremely restless after a long journey;
  • go to the checkout;
  • queue up and pay;
  • pack;
  • go back to the car;
  • take child/ren out of pushchair, fold down pushchair and put it back;
  • get four children strapped back in;
  • drive away.

And that doesn't allow for children pestering for the loo/sweets/drinks, falling over, fighting, wandering off or any of the other manifold delights of shopping in a supermarket with four children after a long drive. No, MiL was NOT being nice.

diddl · 28/08/2016 13:18

Hopefully Op's husband went on with Op & their kids, leaving MIL to pick up the shopping!

Hope that lunch is going OK!

rollonthesummer · 28/08/2016 13:22

I just don't get this thread. Your MIL was just being nice. She thought, well, we're going past the shops, so we'll just pick up the food. Your DH agreed. No problem. It won't take a moment for one of you to pop in, and pick up the food

But the MIl offered for OP and her husband to get the food-SHE wasn't offering to get it herself!! That's knowing that they were already stumping up for dinner out Hmm

MimsyPimsy · 28/08/2016 13:22

One of you just pops to the shop, while the others stay in the car. Why would you all get out? Or just drop off DH/MIL to buy the stuff, and they can walk on to the SIL with a couple of bags of shopping. Confused

"every time you see family you end up being the ones who do the treating"
Just don't do it then. Why offer to buy a meal (the main cost of which will be for the OP's own family of six). Everyone's different, and they aren't being horrid, but maybe thoughtless, as it hasn't occurred to them that the OP has such an attitude. And how will they ever know if she doesn't say she's not happy about the situation? Smile

Pangurban1 · 28/08/2016 13:29

Annoying, but think of it as buying your own kids lunch. Get what they want for lunch. Nutella sandwiches, sickeningly sweet smoothies and pom bears.

They can eat healthily tonight.

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