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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that your life is not like a single parents

106 replies

Frankiebop · 17/08/2016 09:58

Met up recently with a friend whose husband works away a few days a week, which I understand is not ideal, however I felt it was a bit off when she said 'I'm a single parent like you'.
Being a single parent is not about being responsible on your own for a few days with the kids but having someone to help out the rest of the time with parenting decisions, diy, finances, etc.
I work full time and I am solely responsible for all cooking, cleaning, washing, gardening, diy, childcare, finances, paying all bills and a mortgage, shopping.
I think I may be slightly oversensitive on this as I am particularly alone as DS's father is not in the picture (his choice, not mine) and I don't have any family that help me.
I love my life and child and I am so happy, but knackered and never have a moment to myself.
Just wanted to let off steam - rant over!

OP posts:
Catsize · 17/08/2016 10:00

Yanbu

TheNaze73 · 17/08/2016 10:02

You rant away. And I agree, she's not comparing like with like & is actually talking bollocks.

VladmirsPoutine · 17/08/2016 10:02

This comes up often on here. You are right, having a partner that works away is not the same as being a single parent.

Temporaryanonymity · 17/08/2016 10:02

I agree, it annoys the hell out of me too. I'm also a lone parent, work full time etc. I'm sick of hearing people whinging about how they divvy up the housework between them and how much me time they get.

Worst of all is my mother who tells me she knows what it is like to be a single parent because my father worked a lot FFS

Humphriescushion · 17/08/2016 10:05

You are right, and that would really piss me off.
My DH worked away for long periods however in no way would i consider it to be anything like being a lone parent. I had someone to share the problems ( even if only on the phone), moan to, rely on, be there emotionally for me, and financially there were two incomes. Rant away and it sounds like you are doing great.

LifeInJeneral · 17/08/2016 10:05

Yep it pisses me off too, I love my sister but when she says she is basically a single parent because dh is lazy it gets on my nerves! I never get a break, not ever and it's something you can't understand unless you live it

pieceofpurplesky · 17/08/2016 10:07

I am with you op! I have a lovely friend whose oh works abroad and earns a tax free fortune. They live in an enormous and beautiful house, have four horses, exotic holidays, the 12 year old DD has a Michael Kors school bag etc.
I work 2 jobs and also gcse tutoring, I am primary carer for a disabled parent, my house is small but lovely and I struggle financially every day.

She constantly says things like 'us single mums' . She is a lovely woman and a dear friend but she does not have a clue!

010816dot · 17/08/2016 10:07

Frankie - I'm in the same boat SP, very little family, and a handful of friends. So I get exactly where you are coming from. Grin

NavyandWhite · 17/08/2016 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 17/08/2016 10:21

I agree OP.
Always puzzles me too when people start threads about not having any friends when they're married Confused

EnglishRose1320 · 17/08/2016 10:26

I get this in reverse, people saying to me 'your like a single parent' no he works away and is lazy when he is here but he is here so I'm not on my own, i can moan at him and watch T.v with him, even if I do the housework and childcare on my own it is not the same, I have been on my own before and it is totally different, having no emotional break is very different from having someone working away that you can talk to.

Pominoz1 · 17/08/2016 10:30

my husband was in the royal navy and away most of the time. I used to think I was a single parent with all the benefits but in reality knew the differences. I grew up with my mum and brother once my father buggered off and life was hard. YANBU

LostQueen · 17/08/2016 10:34

YANBU and I absolutely hate this. I work in an environment where most of the women are married. Whenever their husbands are away for a few days or a weekend or whatever, they trot out the same shite followed by lots of pitying about how hard life is for me. It is beyond patronising and I actually find it quite offensive.

BigFatBollocks · 17/08/2016 10:45

Totally agree. I'm in the same boat as you with 3 young children. It's really hard at times.

AllieinWonderland · 17/08/2016 10:48

Yanbu, rant to your heart's content!

My DH works for one week a month in Boston (we live in the UK) and is in London Monday-Friday (we live in the north) and I look after our combined nine children, but still wouldn't compare myself to a single parent, despite being one a few years ago, because I know he's coming back six days a month. It's definitely not the same.

Squirmy65ghyg · 17/08/2016 10:52

She's a that.

It is beyond patronising and I actually find it quite offensive

This.

Any ideas on responses?

ConformationFart · 17/08/2016 10:53

I've been on both sides of this and as a single parent my life was no different, in fact it was a lot easier and happier as I didn't have to deal with a twonk. So for some it is just the same.

PeachBellini123 · 17/08/2016 10:56

I'm not a single parent and I'm annoyed on your behalf! YNBU

littlepooch · 17/08/2016 11:00

Yanbu.

My husband works away mon to fri but I would never consider myself to be a single parent. As whilst the day to day stuff falls to me, for the big life decisions etc we share them. If there were an emergency he would be here as fast as he could. He is around at weekends and holidays to help. Financially he provides and emotionally he there as support when I need. It might be over text or phone but he is there.

It is 100% not single parenting and I don't like it when people say it is.

drspouse · 17/08/2016 11:01

YANBU and I totally agree but I think there may be a sliding scale here.

Some people who are the custodial parent have a pretty good co-parenting relationship with their ex and the ex supports the DC financially, is co-operative on practical things and communicates well.

Some people such as my friend have a partner on paper, and have a joint house (though she spends a lot of time with the DCs at her DM's house), but he is never there, manages his finances separately (and I strongly suspect all child-related expenses come out of her account only), does not contribute to parenting either emotionally or practically, and is at best argumentative and at worst verbally abusive. She never says "I am a single parent really" but actually, the rest of our mummy friends think she is.

(I saw this friend's children at the park the other day, I recognised the DCs but not the dad but obviously guessed who it was. Unlike my DH who always says "I can see my children know your children, hello I'm X" the DF looked straight through me. So also rude.)

kiwimumof2boys · 17/08/2016 11:04

I have a DH and only work part time yet I'm bloody knackered by the end of the day!
I don't know how single parents do it, as well as work full time.
YANBU

lalaloopyhead · 17/08/2016 11:07

I've seen both sides too and to a certain extent my period as a single parent was probably the most carefree time of my life! I was lucky though and my DC had regular contact with their Dad so I actually had a lot more child free time than I had before and also since I have had further DC with my now DH.

People have different lives and different pressures and there doesn't need to be a competition to be the most hard done by.

Boolovessulley · 17/08/2016 11:07

Yanbu.

OrsonWellsHat · 17/08/2016 11:07

yanbu

tropicalstorm · 17/08/2016 11:08

IMO this is a highly offensive and upsetting thing to say to a lone parent, especially one with 100% custody, and yet so many parents, almost always women, seem to feel it's ok.

Now granted, there are many, many different scenarios for 'lone parent' in fact no two situations may be similar and there are so many variables. And I can see that some married mums have a tough relationship to manage, which brings a completely different set of issues. But when someone says this to me I feel like screaming at them.

Here's some things they have, that I don't:

  1. The knowledge their period of some childcare and responsibility will end, in the near future, rather than ever
2.. The knowledge that when their other half returns, they can leave the house after bed time even to go for a walk
  1. Someone who has ever shared the experience of pregnancy and birth and raising a baby with them instead of them doing it entirely alone
  2. Someone who has shared and shares their love and joy for their baby/child, who didn't shut them down or try to compete with them when they described one new/clever thing the baby did in a given week
  3. Someone else's salary, without the responsibility for everything from rent to holidays being solely theirs to take care of continually
  4. Someone to hand the baby/child to while they go to the toilet, fill in paperwork, go to the toilet, ever
  5. Someone to do some of the work in the house/garden, rather than them needing to wash every dish, do all of it in any time available when the baby/child isn't feeding/making mess, while trying to keep them entertained simultaneously
  6. Generally speaking, they have a bigger and higher quality standard of house and harden, on a better street and in a better catchment area, due to their joint resources
  7. Someone else to do a nursery pick up if they are running late, or to share childcare with when the baby/child is sick, as well as to attend parents evenings and the like if they struggle to make it
10. Emotional support, someone they can say a small thing that happened in their day to, just because they are there and will listen/care, even if just on the phone if the other half is travelling, they haven't kept years of unvoiced experiences and emotions of every kind bottled up because there is just no outlet for it all

That's just for starters.