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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that your life is not like a single parents

106 replies

Frankiebop · 17/08/2016 09:58

Met up recently with a friend whose husband works away a few days a week, which I understand is not ideal, however I felt it was a bit off when she said 'I'm a single parent like you'.
Being a single parent is not about being responsible on your own for a few days with the kids but having someone to help out the rest of the time with parenting decisions, diy, finances, etc.
I work full time and I am solely responsible for all cooking, cleaning, washing, gardening, diy, childcare, finances, paying all bills and a mortgage, shopping.
I think I may be slightly oversensitive on this as I am particularly alone as DS's father is not in the picture (his choice, not mine) and I don't have any family that help me.
I love my life and child and I am so happy, but knackered and never have a moment to myself.
Just wanted to let off steam - rant over!

OP posts:
ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 17/08/2016 11:08

I think yab a bit u.

She is obviously struggling a bit and, although clumsily worded, was looking for a bit of sympathy.

That's what friends are for.

PennyAsset · 17/08/2016 11:12

It's not patronising at all. Your friend just made a passing remark in conversation.

LobsterQuadrille · 17/08/2016 11:13

YADNBU! I have been in exactly the same position for nearly 19 years - no involvement from ex H in any way (again, his choice) and no, there's no comparison at all. In your friend's case, maybe her comment was a clumsy way of saying that in a tiny way she can understand all that you manage to do?

hownottofuckup · 17/08/2016 11:17

I agree. Having said that, I was effectively a lone parent when I was with exP and if anything it's easier now as I don't have him to deal with too. So from my own personal experience, I've found being a lone parent easier. However I like to think that's fairly unusual.

Squirmy65ghyg · 17/08/2016 11:19

It is patronising when people's husbands go away for x period of time and you get the "how do you do it" head tilt.

cherryplumbanana · 17/08/2016 11:22

Why does anyone always have to compare in the first place? It's boring, everybody has to deal with their own problems behind closed doors, why the competition to see who is struggling the most? Friends around me:

Single mum who drops her kids at her parents every Friday night and pick them up Sunday night, because she needs a break.

Single mum, whose ex is very much present in the kids life, who has every weekend to herself, one evening a week, and half the holidays.

Married mum, with a husband away for months at a time, who gave birth to her 2nd child whilst husband was away. As much as they love each other, it's not that easy to be completely alone one day, then to have him back full time for a month or two before he goes back again.

Married mum, whose husband works 6 days a week, disappearing at 6:30am and doesn't come back before 9pm, so no physical support but another adult to cook for, clean for etc. Yes she has moral support, but they don't really have time to make any decision together.

I could go on. Why does anyone need to decide who has the hardest life? Everyone is different, what works for one would be really hard for the other.

I have never heard a man complaining that his domestic life is harder than his friend's, even if said man is divorced or a widower!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/08/2016 11:23

YADNBU.

It's just not comparable. Maybe you should be a bit more open about how being a single parent really is, might get her to shut up about it in future!

GodImbored · 17/08/2016 11:24

I agree 100%, lone parent here. However when I was with exh I did everything anyway and in a way like a pp said that was worse because he didn't pull his weight and so there was resentment and a horrible relationship on top.

TheRealKimmySchmidt63 · 17/08/2016 11:25

YANBU
This would annoy me too.
Think Mylene Klass summed it up really well on her docudrama a few months ago - one of the biggest things is not having that person to share those special moments with at the end of the day.

curlyboymum · 17/08/2016 11:30

YANBU OP. With you all the way on this. I'm a single parent of 2 DC. Once a friend introduced me to one of her friends at the park. She was majorly moaning that her DH was away and it meant she had to do bathtime "on her own", and she didn't know how she was going to do it all. She had 1 child. I wasn't going to respond, but in the end couldn't help saying, "that's what I do every night". Her response? "well, it's alright for you because you're used to it"!??

Babyroobs · 17/08/2016 11:32

There is so much difference between the situations of lone parents though. I know some who are completley on their own, no family, no support from dc's dad, struggle financially etc. I also know many whose dc's dad's have them a lot of the time, pay very good amounts of maintainence, have loads of support ( practical and financial) from grandparents on both sides etc. I know some 'lone' parents who's ex's still come round and do jobs in the house, help the kids with their homework and are involved in all parenting decisions.

lalalalyra · 17/08/2016 11:35

I think she is either very U, or she's having a tough time and worded it clumsily. What's her husband like when he's back? I only ask because I think it depends on her husband whether she is actually entitled to feel like single parent or not. My DH works away for weeks at a time (6 - 12 weeks), but I'm not a single parent at all - he takes part in decisions, and he's very, very hands on when he's home. However the wife of his colleague basically is. When he's at work she's alone (he chooses not to have any contact as it's upsetting) and then when he's home it's his 'downtime' and he spends "his" money on stuff meaning she's also jugglign a full time job. She's basically a single parent who gets an extra stroppy teenager to care for every now and again. Why she puts up with it I have no idea. I think she's much like I was in the last months with my ex, being a single parent was considerably easier than living like that. You know her best, but if she's not normally annoying it could be that she's having a tough time with her husband.

abbinobb · 17/08/2016 11:35

I found being a single parent easier for some reason, I don't think it's hard for everyone. I liked it tbh but I have only the one dc and I'm very independent and like my own space/not massively social and I used to phone my mum everyday because she was the only one other ed about my ds updates, and ds would go to his dad's so I'd get child free time, so all that made it easier.

But I agree, it's not the same thing. Although being away from someone you love a lot of the time is perhaps a different kind of difficulty.

cannotlogin · 17/08/2016 11:39

I find it fascinating that so many non lone parents seem to see the issue as just financial and emotional - like having the support of a grandparent, or an ex who pays maintenance is somehow the same as the emotional and financial support of a partner. And is the value of a partner solely measured by how much money they contribute to the household?

The issues that the OP is trying to describe run far deeper than the majority of posters trying to dismiss the difficulties seem to realise. And whilst yes, I agree, some situations are better/worse than others, it is very disingenuous (and deeply insulting) to suggest because you have some kind of visible support, things are somehow 'easy'.

bombayflambe · 17/08/2016 11:39

YANBU. It isn't the same.
It isn't necessarily worse though. There are distinct advantages in having autonomy over all decisions, just as there are distinct advantages in having someone to share the logistics with.

Witchend · 17/08/2016 11:41

It sounds like you are thinking of it as a competition whereas she was thinking of trying to empathise with you.
She's saying "I find it difficult, I really sympathise with you who does it all the time"
And you're hearing "Oh life is so hard for me."

It's not a competition.

There's a whole heap of difference between the OP's situation of no family to help, no ex taking the children off, and some lone parents who have family always around to help and no children for half the weekends/holidays.

You can't categorically state that all lone parents have it harder.
It's a bit like that statement in the book Lottie and Lisa: Something like "Some children suffer because their parents are divorced; and some children suffer because their parents aren't divorced."
It's true: Some people find it harder because they are on their own and some people find it harder because they are not on their own."

TheLittleRedHen · 17/08/2016 11:56

I think that it's better to be a single parent and know where you stand than to be with somebody who makes you feel like your a single parent when you should be working together.

I had a friend give me this line at the weekend as her partner never goes out with her and the children at weekends and works all week and so they have very little "family time" together. Although it did grate a little, I can see her point, though she was quick to follow up that he works which allows her to be a SAHM, and it is all about give and take and she can't have it all, which I can't fault.

Unless you've been a LP, I don't think you can ever know the enormity of the role - and again, 50/50 co-parents, the ones where the NRP has then alternate weekends, ones with extended family support, ones with no family support - all single parenting is different and have their own pros and cons.

LobsterQuadrille · 17/08/2016 12:18

To all those saying that there are different set-ups for different lone parents - of course there are, but this is the OP's friend talking to her directly - presumably knowing her circumstances.

BrightOranges · 17/08/2016 12:49

Haha I get this often.
"Oh I'm like you for the next two days"
No, no you're really not.

Zaphodsotherhead · 17/08/2016 12:55

Whilst bringing up five as a single mum (hundreds of miles from any family help too), I had a friend tell me that she was now a 'single mum too' when her husband left her.

She had two dogs.

People just do not get it.

PlanIsNoPlan · 17/08/2016 12:56

tropicalstorm Flowers

bibbitybobbityyhat · 17/08/2016 12:56

I find people who continually compare themselves to other people extraordinarily tiresome. It's not a very intelligent thing to do. Many people in relationships have a harder time than many people who are single. That is fact.

KayTee87 · 17/08/2016 13:23

Yanbu. My husband and I have a 17 day old baby and I'm dreading him even going back to work at the end of the month. I have absolutely no idea how I'd cope on my own.

CattDamon · 17/08/2016 14:02

YADNBU.

I have a friend who has three kids by three dads, and currently has a new boyfriend. She never has all the kids at the same time as their dads are all really involved. Her boyfriend now lives with her & she also has parents & her ex's parents who are all retired & heavily involved. She doesn't work.

Calls herself a single parent & constantly puts things on Facebook about being a single mum.

My DS dad left me when I was pregnant. I work full time & have no immediate family who can help. No boyfriend.

It does grate & I know I shouldn't compare, but I am literally either at work, or with my son. There's no "relief" period or break for me.

SteviebunsBottrittrundle · 17/08/2016 14:06

Yanbu op. This gets on my wick and I'm not even a lone parent! Can't imagine how irritating it must be when you actually are. Possibly she just spoke without thinking and realises it is not the same thing. Stupid thing to say though.

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